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so much to deal with

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LonelyBH posted 5/5/2013 21:50 PM

The past week has been up and down, but more up than things have been. WW has been doing well and working hard on R, especially considering all the other crap we have on our plate right now. The OM wife that had been causing problems, making threats, has left us alone since I filed a police report.

But today was bad, she texted again, sounds like he finally admitted it was true (which is good) , she said that WW needs to get tested though. She told us she has hpv(cancer causing strain) and om knew also. On top of that she told ww to be watching over her shoulder because she won't be as civil as I.

All the feelings of anger for all the om, the feelings of revenge, the want to, if nothing else, tell them exactly what peice of dirty trash they really are, today they are ready, and I will start with this posom. I don't plan to knock his teeth in, I will merely use words and a 1 finger gesture, but if I need to defend myself I'd be happy to do so truthfully. Until today I havnt really wanted todon't nfront anwon't f them. He called me once about a week ago and threatened me, OM threatened me!!! Told me to call him a liar to his face, and that he will show me what a 'real man is'. I called him a liar, mocked him, and he hung up.

Well I'm ready to call him a liar to his face, is this a healthy decision as long as I don't plan to be violent or physical? I feel like I would feel better, I would have faced him and told him what I think of him, but it could end badly. They don't seem to be rational people at all.

On top of all that and financial problems, I'm leaving in a few days to go 16 hours away to work for 2 weeks(to help finacial problems). It's been about 2 months since dday, so needless to say I don't really trust ww. I honestly don't think she will do anything, she and ds are staying with grandma while I'm gone, she set it up to give me some eyes I trust (i trust gma, she knows about whats going on as well) and some peace of mind. also suggested i put the spysoftware back on her phone so i could know. She is trying hard, she is remorseful, she does want me and me only, and she truly hates herself for what she has done. I suggested she post here on si(she reads a lot here), after finding out she may be getting cancer because of what she has done, she asked me if I was going to leave her if she did get cancer. I wouldnt, why would i? if i left her it would be because she gave me 1 more reason to like cheating .She said she will hate herself so much more if she has it and I understand why, but hating herself won't really help anything.

She did this, but she doesn't deserve cancer. I'm worried and hope she doesn't have that hpv so bad. but they had oral many times and unprotected sex twice so there is a definite possibility. Maybe omw is lying to stir more drama? The test will tell. Me leaving town right now is hard but I think(and hope) that it will be good for our relationship. In the 8 years we have been together we have not spent more than 11 days(recent separation) apart so it is somewhat dificult especially in these ciecumstances, but it may help us grow stronger. Screw infidelity.

mchercheur posted 5/5/2013 22:11 PM


This is so difficult, isn't it.

Please do not lower yourself to the level of OM. He is obviously a low life, that he would try to destroy 2 families. You are so above that.

No Contact = no more pain = not caring about OM

( Believe me, I know how difficult this is to do, but it is for the best.)

Good luck to you.

LearningToFly posted 5/5/2013 22:21 PM

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Your wife is so fortuate that you are willing to work through this with her.

Your wife may have had the vaccine to protect against the HPV. She can check her medical records. She can also talk to a doctor about it and watch for symptoms if she does get it.

Leave the guy alone. He sounds like a jerk and not worth your time. He might try to get you into trouble with the law and you don't deserve that. Focus on yourself, your wife, and your child. They are who are important to you.

The other guys wife is probably feeling a lot like you but maybe worse. It sounds like her jerk of a husband isn't even trying to make things right with her. She must feel so alone. She sees your wife as a home wrecker while you are loving her and giving her another chance.

HeavyE posted 5/5/2013 22:33 PM

Forget the OM. He is a p*ssy and a coward. He isn't worth it. You have already said to him as much.

Being away from home for an extended period of time is going to present you with mind f*cks. You already know this or you wouldn't be posting about it.

Although mine was not an extended stay I was gone for five days close after d-day for work related activities. Thank goodness my days were full and the place I stayed at had a 24 hour gym. Of course I was on SI a lot as well.

Can you facetime or skype while gone? Have you set up a time that you will talk each day? What about texting?

You have every right not to trust her so soon after d-day. This may be a positive time for you to begin to rebuild trust and have some time to yourself.

Ashland13 posted 5/6/2013 07:36 AM

These are good pieces of advice. And I can relate.

Soon after DDay, I found myself almost concentrating on OW more than my own life. I felt like she was a huge piece of the puzzle and could think of nothing else for long periods.

It took tremendous effort to realize that OW/OM is not the main part of the problem, but the "Monkey in the Middle", our spouses. It was gut-wrenching and heart-wrenching to realize this important puzzle piece.

It's good advice to seek a different place to put those thoughts and energy, because as one post says, "OW/OM are not rational." They seem to move into a fog of their own and for some it seems a competition is to be had.

The one and only contact I had with OW was texting and it was like cat-claws and made my pain far worse. It taught me to have NC there even though there is so much I would like to know and ask.

I'm sorry for the drama that has been brought into your life. It's one of my big issues about As, because it's one person making life choices for another or many people, if there are children.

I wish you luck and hope you find someplace like a gym to work off the stress OM is causing. What was hard also for me to think of is that if it weren't this OW, probably another would have come along. And regarding her, it probably could have been the mailman. It's odd in some ways to tak out the personal part because in reality, OW/OMs don't even know us, the BSs. That hit me in the face like a wet noodle, late one night.

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