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What does real remorse look and act like?

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TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/6/2013 00:20 AM

I'm having a hard time with my perception that sig other is not nearly as remorseful as he "should" be. He seems content to just pick up where we left off 4 years or more ago and play happy house together. When i try to talk to him, he's too tired, or it's dinner, or something else. Today he spent hours on the ladder painting the house etc and talked about how frightening it was to be up on the ladder 30'. But he didn't fall. I said my shredded heart was in far worse shape than whatever exhaustion he was feeling and so he sat with me, under duress for a short time, and then TOLD me he was going to bed. He then watched TV. SOOOOO tired? If he was SOOOO tired wouldn't he have just konked out?

Confused. Obviously no one, even a WS can walk around 24/7 with guilt pouring out of every pore, but what is normal, acceptable, reasonable expressions of remorse. HONESTLY I don't know what i need but it's not what i'm getting. I FEEL like he should sit exactly where i tell him to and listen to me and talk to me for as long as I need him to. Is that just unrealistic? Or is he just a jerk? Or a little bit of a psychopath? I'm actually starting to wonder! Help! I'm so confused!

Why am I even bothering. I'm so willing to work, I like to work, i'm eager to work, i actually would enjoy the challenge; but he HAS to work too. And he's really not.

I guess we'll start MC just to see where it goes. If for nothing else, I will learn something.

Eager to hear about your WS remorse behavior and what satisfied you, and what didn't. THANK YOU.

LonelyBH posted 5/6/2013 01:32 AM

Hello, I'm sorry your going through all of this,
I don't think that is unrealistic at all. My ww does not blow me off when I want to talk, she actually wants me to talk to her. She leaves me 'i love you' notes when I have a bad day, she texts me very often all day, and spends almost every minute she can with me. When I am very down or upset she comes to me, hugs me, tells me she is sorry, she loves me, she wishes so bad she could take all my pain away. I feel that she is remorseful. Sometimes those words make me feel better, sometimes it seems nothing does.

I would not be happy with my ws telling me 'I'm tired' and then watching tv instead of making my feeling and emotions priority.

movingforward13 posted 5/6/2013 12:02 PM

Am I reading your signature right? He is using you. No wonder why he doesn't want to talk about it, he isn't remorseful AT ALL. He may be sorry that he got caught, but he isn't sorry about hurting you and any time you direct him to your pain, he RUNS. You need to start making him responsible. For himself, for you and your relationship. He also need to stand manning up. You need to stop being codependent.

movingforward13 posted 5/6/2013 12:06 PM

Sorry if I seem rather harsh, I am just finally getting what our lovely members here have been telling me for months and really detached from my wayward. Detaching has helped me out tremendously... It is the beginning to indifference to me and I know I will be fine without my wayward or not. AND SO WILL YOU. Him other the hand needs you, especially if you are supporting him so he better start treating you like he has some fucking sense who is in control. YOU ARE and if he doesn't want to help you heal and help your relationship, you need to be able to let him go and say FUCK THAT GUY!

Vulcanized posted 5/6/2013 13:13 PM

Hi Agony,

Sorry you are dealing with this.

I am in total agreement with moving said. He's not doing anything to help you. That alone is indicative that he doesn't get it. Until that magic moment happens, there is no real R.

MC is a waste of time and money at this point. If WS is still engaged in A, or still not taking responsibility for all the pain that he caused you, then he isn't ready yet for R.

You may do better to see an IC yourself.

tushnurse posted 5/6/2013 13:26 PM

He is not showing real remorse yet. This unforunately is common in early R.

Real remorse is being understanding and listening to you, and not getting angry or frustrated with your questions.

Real remorse is not avoiding and playing sad puppy dog. More often we see this behavior, and it due to them being sorry they got caught, not sorry for what they did , not uncommon from what a little kid does.

They have to understand the damage they have caused. Unfortunately it usually takes some big mean act by the Betrayed spouse for them to really get it. Meaning kicking them out, or cutting them out of our lives in one way or another.

Go to MC for sure. Get him to read some books about infidelity and the damage it causes. There are many good ones out there.

Be strong. You get to drive the bus now. If he isn't wanting to talk to you, or listen to you all the time then tell him you have set aside a certain time certain days of the week, and you need this time to talk to him about the A. Your feelings, and what impact his actions have had on you. (We did this, and it really helped both of us).

Hugs and strength

LA44 posted 5/6/2013 13:27 PM

I recommend he go out and buy, After the Affair by Janis A Spring. This book is good for both of you. She talks about High Cost and Low Cost Behaviours. You both participate in Low Cost Behaviour but it is 100% up to him to take on HCB.

Saying "sorry" is one thing. BEHAVING that way is another thing entirely. If he was on TV and you turned the sound off, you would still see his remorse in his actions. Perhaps in some way he views painting the house as saying, "look at me, honey! I am trying to imrpove our house." My H did this too - every little thing that needed attention around our home was finally getting it. Great. He also needs to take care of what is INSIDE the house as his top priority.

There is another good book my H read - a little sanctimonious (in my opinion) but he still read it and it helped clear up some cobwebs. Let me remember and I will send it your way.


PurpleBirch posted 5/6/2013 22:08 PM

I too am confused about what exactly I want, but I know it's not what I'm getting. I think my WS is more concerned with the lack of sex he's getting from me than how I feel about this whole thing. Best of luck to you.

MovingOn101 posted 5/6/2013 22:25 PM

I know my WH was and is remorseful, he showed me cried, didn't sleep at first nearly at all and now a year later still only half as much as he should, didn't eat lost 15 kg in few months - he is big muscle guy likes his big meals but couldn't eat, talked with me answered questions, went to MC I could see it in his face , today am I still angry at him damn right I am I've been on here this week ranting about him I think his remorse saved our marriage though I don't think I could of stayed if he wasn't remorseful

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/6/2013 22:54 PM

thank you everyone. all of your have said something that has helped me. I wish I had the time/energy to answer each and everyone of you but please know that i deeply appreciate every word. xox

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 10:54 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

OneFootForward posted 5/7/2013 12:07 PM

While the A was going on, I knew something was amiss. Even my gut said there was an A but my wife was too a good a woman for that. I had 100% trust in whatever she did. However, when I would try to talk it would always be: later, not now, I am tired, etc... and then get on FB or txt (with Om).

Is my WS remorseful or is she just ashamed? Is she going to trying to fix things or just guilty? We are less than a month out from D-Day and to be honest, I am not 100% sure. However, I am being up front and honest. Completely open and I feel she is doing it too. Some people may feel I am being a sucker, opening myself up for a heartbreak. Maybe? But if I can't be 100% on the up and up, how can I expect it to work? I need to hold up to my end of the agreement and try too.

If the WS is not taking the time address YOUR needs in his betrayal NOW... when will that change?

This feels a lot like a car wreck to me. Two people get in a wreck and one of them is in the wrong. At the time of the accident they even own up to it being their fault. Later they start to think about out it and reason themselves out of the hole they made for themselves. Maybe they really were not to blame? Maybe the other person bears some responsibility too? After all, they were ON THE ROAD!? Next thing you know they say it is your fault. I hope you see where this is going.

I would go so far as to pick a day and not go to work. Call in sick. Weekend maybe. Whatever. Have him do the same. Then talk. If he balks, I would let the WS know they are playing with fire. Give them another chance. If they toss out to many chances, me thinks they don't want to change, own up, fess up, whatever. If that is the case, they have already ended the relationship... they are just seeing what they can get out of it until you serve them papers.

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