Confused. Obviously no one, even a WS can walk around 24/7 with guilt pouring out of every pore, but what is normal, acceptable, reasonable expressions of remorse. HONESTLY I don't know what i need but it's not what i'm getting. I FEEL like he should sit exactly where i tell him to and listen to me and talk to me for as long as I need him to. Is that just unrealistic? Or is he just a jerk? Or a little bit of a psychopath? I'm actually starting to wonder! Help! I'm so confused!
Why am I even bothering. I'm so willing to work, I like to work, i'm eager to work, i actually would enjoy the challenge; but he HAS to work too. And he's really not.
I guess we'll start MC just to see where it goes. If for nothing else, I will learn something.
Eager to hear about your WS remorse behavior and what satisfied you, and what didn't. THANK YOU.
I would not be happy with my ws telling me 'I'm tired' and then watching tv instead of making my feeling and emotions priority.
Sorry you are dealing with this.
I am in total agreement with moving said. He's not doing anything to help you. That alone is indicative that he doesn't get it. Until that magic moment happens, there is no real R.
MC is a waste of time and money at this point. If WS is still engaged in A, or still not taking responsibility for all the pain that he caused you, then he isn't ready yet for R.
You may do better to see an IC yourself.
Real remorse is being understanding and listening to you, and not getting angry or frustrated with your questions.
Real remorse is not avoiding and playing sad puppy dog. More often we see this behavior, and it due to them being sorry they got caught, not sorry for what they did , not uncommon from what a little kid does.
They have to understand the damage they have caused. Unfortunately it usually takes some big mean act by the Betrayed spouse for them to really get it. Meaning kicking them out, or cutting them out of our lives in one way or another.
Go to MC for sure. Get him to read some books about infidelity and the damage it causes. There are many good ones out there.
Be strong. You get to drive the bus now. If he isn't wanting to talk to you, or listen to you all the time then tell him you have set aside a certain time certain days of the week, and you need this time to talk to him about the A. Your feelings, and what impact his actions have had on you. (We did this, and it really helped both of us).
Hugs and strength
Saying "sorry" is one thing. BEHAVING that way is another thing entirely. If he was on TV and you turned the sound off, you would still see his remorse in his actions. Perhaps in some way he views painting the house as saying, "look at me, honey! I am trying to imrpove our house." My H did this too - every little thing that needed attention around our home was finally getting it. Great. He also needs to take care of what is INSIDE the house as his top priority.
There is another good book my H read - a little sanctimonious (in my opinion) but he still read it and it helped clear up some cobwebs. Let me remember and I will send it your way.
DS (6), DS (18 months)
Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".
Status: Done like dinner
[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 10:54 PM, May 6th (Monday)]
Is my WS remorseful or is she just ashamed? Is she going to trying to fix things or just guilty? We are less than a month out from D-Day and to be honest, I am not 100% sure. However, I am being up front and honest. Completely open and I feel she is doing it too. Some people may feel I am being a sucker, opening myself up for a heartbreak. Maybe? But if I can't be 100% on the up and up, how can I expect it to work? I need to hold up to my end of the agreement and try too.
If the WS is not taking the time address YOUR needs in his betrayal NOW... when will that change?
This feels a lot like a car wreck to me. Two people get in a wreck and one of them is in the wrong. At the time of the accident they even own up to it being their fault. Later they start to think about out it and reason themselves out of the hole they made for themselves. Maybe they really were not to blame? Maybe the other person bears some responsibility too? After all, they were ON THE ROAD!? Next thing you know they say it is your fault. I hope you see where this is going.
I would go so far as to pick a day and not go to work. Call in sick. Weekend maybe. Whatever. Have him do the same. Then talk. If he balks, I would let the WS know they are playing with fire. Give them another chance. If they toss out to many chances, me thinks they don't want to change, own up, fess up, whatever. If that is the case, they have already ended the relationship... they are just seeing what they can get out of it until you serve them papers.