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User Topic: How do I let go of the hate....
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Shutup  Posted: 7:21 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay....so when my XWH and I separated....I immersed myself into my running. Its the only outlet that I've had for stress. My XWH HATED running when we were married and outright refused to do it with me.

Our divorce was final on December 13th, 2010 and I met My daughter's sperm donor on January 1st, 2011. He was also a runner and he got me into 5k racing. I had already run a few races but not seriously before that. Then, around the same time.....my XWH AND MOW.... decided that they were also going to get into racing... KILL ME... and ever since....they show up at a lot of events and races and even started their own fire department endorsed breast cancer 5k together that has grown and is going on its 3rd race this year... And, I can't go to it cause every single person from my past would be there and I still get the occasional panic attack when I'm near either of them.

So....I've noticed that MOW has made it her personal mission....to friend as many of my friends as she can....and slowly but surely....people I NEVER thought would become her friend are.....now granted...I have told a lot of people what MOW and XWH did to me...and some care and some let it go. But, I've also heard that MOW and XWH are turning it around on me and basically calling me crazy and that I was the cheater! REALLY??!! I actually have hardcore proof!!! What do they have?? And, everywhere I turn...I hear about how excited people are about that stupid race and how great MOW is and how they are doing " this and that" for MOW....and it makes me want to run and hide in a cave somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs....

But, I know that's what she wants... but how do I let this all go? I don't want to stop racing.... I just wish I could live my life without them "literally" IN MY F*&KING FACE ALL THE DAMN TIME!!!!! Whew... Okay. I feel better now...

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 7:25 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
notmeanymore
♀ 9772
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had advice on how to shake it off, but I know it must be hard.

It is rather pathetic that you clearly take up so much of her headspace that she has to shadow your friends and activities and try to make them her own.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 877 | Registered: Feb 2006
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I WANT to not hate her so much....because I know its not healthy... but when she shows up "surprise" to a lot of group runs that I attend or friends of mine talk about how she recruited them to run with her on a relay team or how she has been chatting it up with them about her "great race" and how they should run it and blah blah blah.... its like everywhere I turn....its MOW MOW MOW!!!!!

I want to scream from the rooftops what a sleazy backstabbing slut she is and how she helped ruin my marriage...but then I just end up looking like the pathetic jilted lonely single mom!

I'm like in my own private hell.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:22 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm kinda sorta in your position. My xWH and OW#umpteen both work for the same agency I do.

I have help in spreading the word in so far as one of xWH's co-workers has made it his mission to let anyone and everyone know what a dick xWH is.

xWH also didn't help himself out b/c his work ethic was poor and many higher ups saw it, so in general he's not well liked.

But new people? New people think he's awesome!

The way I handle it is to be very matter of fact. "Yes, I was married to him. He was a philanderer, slept with 50 OW while we were married, lied to his teammates and endangered their lives in so doing, stole from me, and left me financially destitute. So, I know he's a bad person, I have no respect for him, and if you wish to have a relationship with him, I will not respect you either."

I say it matter of factly, little emotion. But the barebones facts are there.

Your friends don't know re: MOW or your xWH. All they know is D and maybe he cheated? Most people don't think cheating is a big deal, you have to spell it out for them.

And if someone says to you, "oh, *they* say ..." merely shrug and say, "of course they say that, they are liars who cannot accept they did anything wrong" I think they are dirtbags, they aren't welcome in my life, and if they are in yours, then neither are you.

You need to be ruthless in protecting yourself. A friend becomes friend's with MOW? Then she's not your friend.

Hey She11ybeanz, are you running the FD 5K? Why no, it's organized by the man who lied and cheated on me and his affair partner who helped destroy my M so I can't trust the $ they raise actually goes to the cause they say it does.

Now, get your run time down and start garnering your own attention for how well you are doing. ((((She11ybeanz)))


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3150 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
curiouswiz
♀ 34405
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly...she does want your life. No doubt she's been jealous of you for a long time now. How can she be you? How can she have all of your life? It's her focus.

I'm living with that too. But my imposter is a junky so it's not only ridiculous it's impossible to be me. She wanted to move into my homes and told me so. Yes, she told me. She's going to be an artist in my art studio. She's going to do this that and the other thing, just like me. What kind of crazy is that?

I know that this hurts you to the core because of your friends betrayal on top of the shit pile. People really do not get the pain it causes until it happens to them. They just don't.

If at all possible continue to go the meets and run harder and run prouder and run and run. It's the best revenge dahlin. It will get easier and easier to distance her assholeness and make you proud to hold your head up. They both suck. It's plain as day to anyone with a brain. If people are saying things to you about how wonderful she is let them know she is not. Tell them in a calm voice. Standing tall stretching your hamstrings and smiling, tell them. Those that tell you these things are not your friends so you won't lose a thing. Toss there BS right back at them. With pride in who you are and what her goals are. Let them know she's doing it to cause you pain but it doesn't because you're better than her. A million times better.

I'd bet you can outrace her at anything if you desired. Screw her and do it with a smile. It will piss her off and what can she do about it? Just give her a subtle grin that says she's just a piece of shit on your shoe and walk away. Laugh with new people at the meets. Make them comfortable. Use your charms on people that need it and she will be a secondary thought as she should be. What a piece of shit.

I'm so sorry she's doing this but you can leave her in your dust honey. It's where she belongs.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
Confused1829
♀ 32729
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Shelly))))

UGH! What a BEOTCH! I completely understand your hatred for her. It's completely natural and normal. I can't even imagine having to deal with that - it would drive me CRAZY!

But curiouswiz is right. She wants your life. Remember, for them it's not and never has been about love and your XH. Remember that regardless as to what people may see when they first meet her - she is a BROKEN person. It wasn't enough for her to 'win' as the other woman, she is not happy with who she is on the inside, to her core. So it will never be enough for her. Nothing will be enough - she is trying to fill a void of insecurity that nothing from the outside will be able to fix. That's why she went after a married man and why she's going after another woman's life. It's better than her life and how she perceives herself. She keeps thinking 'the next thing' will fulfill her - like a junky, but it's never enough.

I'm sorry that your friends are being duped. That is hurtful. But good people in your life won't be duped, look at it as a way for her to weed out the trash for you :)

And use your anger to run better, faster, and longer. She wants you to give up so it'll just piss her off, but more importantly, don't let her take your joy. Because even if she takes this one thing, it won't be enough, she'll go onto the next area where she can try to become you - you know? Cause she's a ho.

You may feel like she's won, but for her it's a constant competition. She is constantly comparing herself to you because she knows deep down that you're a better person, you'd never do what she did and she knows it. You've moved on with your life which makes her less important and she can't have that. I feel the same way with my X's ho. I hate that she thinks that she won, but I remember she is so childish and insecure, she's constantly comparing herself to me.

They CONSTANTLY think about you. While you've gone on and healed as a healthy human being, they haven't. They would never admit it but you're in their heads constantly. If you weren't, they'd leave you alone.

Hang in there, stay strong. Either they'll get bored and move on or they'll just get frustrated as hell and let their true colors show. Either way - don't let them take your joy.


Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
Confused1829
♀ 32729
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Shelly))))

UGH! What a BEOTCH! I completely understand your hatred for her. It's completely natural and normal. I can't even imagine having to deal with that - it would drive me CRAZY!

But curiouswiz is right. She wants your life. Remember, for them it's not and never has been about love and your XH. Remember that regardless as to what people may see when they first meet her - she is a BROKEN person. It wasn't enough for her to 'win' as the other woman, she is not happy with who she is on the inside, to her core. So it will never be enough for her. Nothing will be enough - she is trying to fill a void of insecurity that nothing from the outside will be able to fix. That's why she went after a married man and why she's going after another woman's life. It's better than her life and how she perceives herself. She keeps thinking 'the next thing' will fulfill her - like a junky, but it's never enough.

I'm sorry that your friends are being duped. That is hurtful. But good people in your life won't be duped, look at it as a way for her to weed out the trash for you :)

And use your anger to run better, faster, and longer. She wants you to give up so it'll just piss her off, but more importantly, don't let her take your joy. Because even if she takes this one thing, it won't be enough, she'll go onto the next area where she can try to become you - you know? Cause she's a ho.

You may feel like she's won, but for her it's a constant competition. She is constantly comparing herself to you because she knows deep down that you're a better person, you'd never do what she did and she knows it. You've moved on with your life which makes her less important and she can't have that. I feel the same way with my X's ho. I hate that she thinks that she won, but I remember she is so childish and insecure, she's constantly comparing herself to me.

They CONSTANTLY think about you. While you've gone on and healed as a healthy human being, they haven't. They would never admit it but you're in their heads constantly. If you weren't, they'd leave you alone.

Hang in there, stay strong. Either they'll get bored and move on or they'll just get frustrated as hell and let their true colors show. Either way - don't let them take your joy.


Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd bet you can outrace her at anything if you desired. Screw her and do it with a smile. It will piss her off and what can she do about it?
Just give her a subtle grin that says she's just a piece of shit on your shoe and walk away. Laugh with new people at the meets. Make them comfortable. Use your charms on people that need it and she will be a secondary thought as she should be. What a piece of shit.

I want to cry you guys are so freakin awesome! Thank you for all the support! I CAN and DO run faster and better than her! That is one thing that she CAN'T take away from me! Now, granted...she is a nurse and makes more $$$ than me....and she doesn't have any children because they are "baggage" to her and she has a lot more free time than me... and she thinks she is better than me because of that too.... but she can NOT take away my running.... she might try to taint events a little bit with her existence.....but I will continue to work hard to make sure she doesn't beat me in a race! That's my healthy NB revenge!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah...I found out she had even shown up to a few of the hash runs that I go to (a group I have run with for years) and I warned the head of the group that if she was there at the same time as me, that I would NOT be happy about it! He said he would make sure it was the last hash run that she would ever want to come to!!! LOVE MY FRIENDS!! HEHEHE


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are living an authentic life. She is burying herself in lies and manipulation. Enjoy your honest life and leaver her to enjoy her house of cards.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
KeepOnMovin
♂ 38245
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly,

Everyone's advice here is spot on. You are the author of your life story. This person did enter and influence your story, but you have the power to make yourself the heroine of the story and not the victim.

Keep racing, and doing what you want because you're awesome, not because MOW's everywhere. (it would be sorta cool to run the FD 5K, win your age group or women's division and NOT accept the award...)

I live in a small town, so i'm constantly surrounded by STBXWW and her bullshit. One of our mutual friends' (my friend first) wanted to start a 5K and 10K race to raise money for autism speaks. I organized measuring the course and got it USATF certified. i organized and worked the timing for the first two years, only to be cut out of helping altogether.

Most everyone who matters knows i'm a stand up guy and a good person, so STBX in her brokenness tells everyone a bunch of lies and BS about me to justify her actions. So, i take the high road. i don't tell anyone about the infidelity because i don't want it to get back to my kids. When i hear rumors about me, i just smile and ask, "do you really believe that?" it hurts inside to hear this, but eventually, it only makes her even more pathetic.

hope this helps! be strong, k


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 389 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you KeepOnMovin....

Good to hear from a fellow runner!

There is an actual picture out there of the last race I ran in at the start line....where my XWH is literally shown "glaring" in my direction! When I told my IC about this.... she was in awe of how NOT over me he is! She said that when someone doesn't have feelings anymore....they don't act like this! She said the opposite of love is NOT hate...its indifference! Good to know that he still harbors guilt! I guess that makes me feel a "little" better! hahaha! High road I go!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
meaniemouse
♀ 10798
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly--I know it's SO hard to take the high road when these people keep getting in your way. And it's infuriating to know that this person, who has already caused so much pain, can continue to weasel her way into what used to be your life. And to add insult to injury they turn the circumstances around so it makes you look like the crazy one. What's unfair is that it IS a crazy-making situation. The problem is--most people, unless they've been through it just don't get it. They don't understand why you just can't get over it and move on. And the more you can't or won't, the crazier it makes you seem. It's a lose-lose proposition.

I don't know much about the running community or how big the city is where you live but aren't there some other places you can continue your love of running where you don't run in to these awful people and the people who used to be your friends? Surely there are some young moms who run, people at your work who are runners or people in surrounding communities. I would hate it if the thing I loved to do was surrounded in all this drama. Especially if it was supposed to be my method of stress relief.

The people who believe what your ex and ow are saying aren't your friends. I'd treat them as if they don't exist. It's been a long time since my divorce and I had to literally cut myself off from everyone and everything that my ex and I used to do together. It wasn't nearly as painful as I thought because my true friends are as loyal as hell to me. I don't need those other people and really don't care what they think. I know the truth, I know what my ex did and the kind of person he is, and anyone who is important to me does as well.

Take yourself out of the mix, it sounds like they are trying to push your buttons and you're letting them. I know it's hard but you have so, so much more than either of them will ever have. Don't let them drag you down in the gutter with them. Hold your head up high and don't engage, find something else to talk about when the subject comes up and be good to yourself. You need to be your best for your little girl. Worrying about those people just takes energy that you need to keep for yourself and for her. I know it's hard but hang in there.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2140 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
h0peless
♂ 36697
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she is a nurse and makes more $$$ than me....and she doesn't have any children because they are "baggage" to her and she has a lot more free time than me... and she thinks she is better than me because of that too

She sounds like a real catch, if you're into shallow, self centered and superficial. It sucks now but you'll get your satisfaction when one of them cheats on the other.


Posts: 1805 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H0peless....

I totally agree! It will most likely be her on my XWH since he is literally a "second" man! I loved him for a lot of things, but our sex life wasn't one of them! I wonder how big of a surprise that little tidbit was when she cheated with him!

It would be like opening a snickers bar and finding a cat turd!!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Jada52
♀ 38984
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard not to hate, but I think we have to ignore the OW as much as possible. The OW in my case actually lives about 2 hours away so if he moves in with her at least I will not have to see them together. I do actually HATE her, she has wanted my husband since they broke up in high school - she may actually get her wish soon.

Just keep living your life and ignore them as best you can.


Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I'm trying. Its hard sometimes cause I get lonely...and I know that they probably think its funny that I ended up a single mom and they are living their happy little naïve existence together. Just wish I could witness it when the karma bus runs them down!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
foreverempty
♂ 34426
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice here but just to say your not on your own.

The hate is one this I'm struggling with and it's scary as it shows I still have emotion and there for feeling for exWW, not in a positive loving way but still emotional attachment none the less.

For me it is slowly subsiding and I hope one day soon to feel indifference towards her. I'm getting there. I'm sure you will.

Shelly you've had a gift of a littlun, you sound so happy with your little shellybeanz, your ex doesn't get to experience that pleasure with you.

I know hearing this wont make it any better but you are better off where you are now x

Understanding hugs from across the pond...


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 645 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
ManBearDivorce
♂ 36258
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds familiar to mine. I started running even before the D-day and now I am a avid 5k runner. Somehow I missed the run and dye signup and couldn't go to it this past weekend. Funny thing is my X is running too now. I don't get it. She was not a runner at all and hated to sweat. But oh well, If I do see her at one of my 5k runs I will leave her in the dust like I left her in my life.

Oh and I have the same feeling towards friends who keep in contact with her. I have my thread here http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=495204

Funny it happened on the 5k run.


Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
Topic Posts: 19

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