I can imagine it must be really difficult to make the decision to end things. In my case, my STBXH decided for us as he wanted to be with OW. In some ways, it does make it easier since I had no choice.
I can certainly understand your desire to have children as well. However, as a mother to two small children with a father who is a selfish, pathological liar, I wouldn't recommend it. I love my children and am so glad to have them, but I envy those that can end their marriages with their WS and never see them again. My ds is only 7 months old, so I have almost 18 years of dealing with my selfish, cruel, XH. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I worry so much about the kind of influence he will be on my children and what kind of "stepmom" OW is going to be to them. They didn't deserve this.
At 36, you still have a lot of life to live and time to have children. Try and think of it in the way that the more time you waste with him, the longer it will take to find someone that truly deserves to be with you. Also, I know it may not be ideal for you, but have you considered having a child on your own? You don't need a spouse to have a child.
I also have a lot of fears about dating. I was with my STBX for 10 years so I'm way out of practice. It's scary, but also a little exciting. I'm excited at the prospect of one day meeting someone who doesn't lie to me, take me for granted, etc. I think my kids deserve that too.
There are a lot of great people over here on D/S, so I think you'll get a lot of great advice.
I too feel alone, I don't have family that lives close by, not many friends either. I have been practically living in a shell since this happened, isolating myself because I don't want anyone's pity.
How do you start this process and how do you accept it emotionally and stick to it?
Your WH is extremely disrespectful towards you and he has a very acidic tongue. And this *attitude* that he has towards you is going to crush your soul if you continue to remain in his presence and listen to the bullshit that he's spewing onto you. The only place his 'power trip' is going to take him is to the courthouse for a divorce.
You are young. Being childless, but wanting children, is not a good reason to stay married to this man. He has made your life a hell on earth, can you imagine what he would do to a child?
Yes. The grass IS greener.
You tell your family that your husband is an abusive, cheating, lying SOB and you'd rather poke forks in your eyes while walking barefoot over hot coals and razor sharp needles, while naked and bald....than waste another second of your life with him.
You may feel lost right now, and it's to be expected. But you aren't alone. {{{hugs}}}
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:32 AM, May 6th (Monday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Trust me. I *get* the 'making excuses' for them thing.
I don't think he means to be mean, i think he is plagued by his own issues which makes him almost "incapable"
Anyway. My point is that the time has to come where you can say "he doesn't mean to be mean, but it doesn't matter because he IS being mean." He's an adult and he has control of himself and how he acts and what he says. There is NO excuse, other than he's a JAMF, for him to tell you that he wishes that he was still with OW. None.
My over-the-top response as to what to tell your family was a reaction to your fear of being 'pitied' by them. My intent was basically for you to let them know that, if/when a D or S happens, you are looking out for your own best interest and you are doing what is right for YOU. You'll need 'support', not pity.
I understand that you love your dog and that you believe that your WH will want to share time with the dog. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. I'd be very cautious about expressing your feelings about your dog to him right now, though. I'm pretty sure that when it comes to divorce logistics....dogs are considered 'property'. So, if he knows that you absolutely MUST HAVE the dog.....he may try to use that as leverage against you.
and he said he wishes he was still with OW because it couldn't be worse than this!
OMG. Oh hell the fuck no. FTG, FTG, FTG. What a total asshole
Please girl, you do NOT have to listen to this for one more second. Rebuilding a marriage and reconciliation has everything to do with the WS putting in 200% effort to making you trust him again. This dick isn't trying at all.
PLEASE do not have children with this man. I don't think I've even had time to be sad about the cheating, because WH involved the kids with the MOW for over a year and had them lie to me about it, and all my energy and focus has been on protecting them. It is absolute HELL trying to co-parent with an unremorseful guy such as this.
And I understand the pitying him. My WH has sooo many issues, was physically and sexually abused as a child (by his own biological father and father's friends), constantly beaten up by his alcoholic stepdad for years, forced to do drugs, and there's so much more. It's a horrible story, but the point is that he is a grown ass man now, and I am NOT going to excuse his behavior any longer. I was raped as a child too, but I went to therapy and got the help I needed. I don't sit around treating people like shit and then blaming my past for it. We have ALL had issues in our past, and we each have to take responsibility for how we handle it. Do I feel bad for my ex? Yes. Will I let him use it as an excuse anymore? NO. I can't force him to want or get help. That's his job.
You are still so young and have many years ahead of you. I have no doubt you can find friends and even love again when you are healed from this abusive BS you have been put through.
Lots of hugs and support to you. You have made 30,000+ friends already just by joining this site, and we will be here for you every step of the way
Once you D, you don't ever have to see him again, but if you have a child with him, you still have to deal with him. It's a life sentence of hell.
You are young. You still have time. I had 3 children when I was 36, 38, and 41.
Your future children deserve a good father.
Another thing, no matter what the excuses are that he is behaving badly, doesn't mean you have to take it. You need IC now to help you through this.
Have you thought about getting your eggs frozen? That way you could have some saved before you get older and wouldn't feel so stressed about finding someone new to have kids with - you would always have those 36 year old eggs. Also, my mom had a beautiful, healthy child at 39 and women are having children later than that.
The sooner you get on with D with this guy, the sooner you can get on with your new beginning!
But. most importantly, make sure you get plenty of IC to dig into your FOO and make sure you choose wisely next time! Someone worthy of being your husband and father to your children!
Be strong and know that it doesn't matter if your family pities you. If they do then they truly don't understand the situation you are in. My family, and my WH's family as well, have been completely supportive of me. I'm fortunate. But even without their support I have to do what is right for me.
And this pretty much rocks as an answer to anyone who gives you any grief:
[This message edited by fallingquickly at 11:47 PM, May 6th (Monday)]
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.
Here is a question for you to ponder during reflection:
What kind of father figure do you think your WH would be?
I've gone through a lot of issues you are and have a similar short supply of local support as well.
You know, quite frankly, that 36 is an age that's got some child-bearing time left.
Your writing gives an impression of things I am working on also and that's detatchment issues. You sound like me, where still perhaps you're thinking that this is the same man that he is in the same mind-set as before. Your post leads me to think he does as STBXH did, which was to answer me at minimum and sweep me under the rug, while doing the bare minimum to help our "relationship".
STBXH has life issues coming out of his ears, but doesn't think they're connected with his A or other activities outside marriage. If your WH won't address his own issues, they don't have a chance of going away, do they? Maybe they would settle down when the dust clears for you both, but I would think they would have a good chance to crop up at some point later and cause harm?
Yes, he should be working with you and not working to ignore you or make you feel worse. His almost flippant responses are a little red flag trigger for me.
I, too am lonely and wish for intimacy on a small level and companionship, but it feels very strange to set out and actually find. Trusting another man is not something that I know if I can do or not.
And the end of your post suggests that you are detatching from WH but not ready or afraid to take the next steps.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
-George Washington
At 36, you are young! I had my son at age 44--and while I don't recommend waiting quite that long, my point is that you've got plenty of time. Is this the man you want to be tied to for life with a child? Make a clean break...heal...move on.
{Hugs} You deserve so much better and it is out there.
D-day: February 14, 2008; I found out
Separated from WS since August 2012 after 4 years of false R
At 36, you have plenty of time to have a baby. I know you want to have a family but He does not have to be the father of that baby.....You would be tied to him for the next 18 years, do you really want that, or even better, do you deserve that??
I don't have many friends either, so this has been a really lonely time for me. I am really trying to reach out to other people and become part of the planet again. My world revolved around him, and now it will revolve around me and what makes me happy.
I told my parents about the affair as well as his parent's. I didn't want to go through this without the support of my family. I have been very honest with my Dad and his wife and they have been so supportive of me. I felt so much guilt and shame that my marriage failed and that he cheated on me and they constantly remind me of how much I am loved, that I did nothing to deserve the way I was treated and that he is an asshole. It feels so good to have someone champion me because the cheating pig did his best to blame me for the demise of the marriage and painted me out to be a cold, uncaring bitch that only used him. Sounds like a case of classic projection, but I bought into the lies because I could not understand how someone could possibly lie, deceive and cheat on someone that was their "soul mate"!! I could never do that, would never do that. I could never hurt someone like that, betray them and abuse their trust and love.
He's now found another "soul mate" and will repeat the same pattern. I am wife #3, he cheated on wife #2 twice. One affair is the dealer breaker for me.
I am divorcing him (and I did file for divorce) because I will not be married to a man that tossed me aside because I was not meeting his narcissistic needs. I will not be married to a man that chose to screw another woman rather than talk to me about being unhappy or feeling tempted to have an affair. I will not be married to a man that broke the promise and vow he made to me as well as my son. I will not be married to a man that disrespects me and the sacredness of my love and trust. I will not be married to a man that is incapable of being honest, of taking responsibility for the actions he took or showing any remorse or acknowledge the pain that he has caused. I will not be married to a man that treated me like shit, had a bad temper, had major control issues and blame me for everything. I will not be married to a man that misery doled out money to me when he was off spending tens of thousand of dollars on new cars for himself, hotel rooms for his skanky girlfriend, dinners out with her and god knows what else. I will not be married to a man who's job meant more to him that I did, that spent 16 hours a day at work. I will not be married to a man that only wanted his needs met - i rubbed his back for him every night before he went to sleep, did he rub my back?? NO! A man that expected me to drop everything I was doing the moment he came home and give him a 100% of my attention. He never even acknowledged when I walked in the door!!! I will not be married to a man that I no longer respect or trust. I deserve so much more than that. So do you.....
PS. Dawn have you considered meetup.com? my friend has really found a great group of friends and has come out of her shell more by joining some groups there.
One day you just have had enough. I held on too long. He'd throw me crumbs and I would gobble them up. I'd get 2x4s from my fellow SIers, but I wasn't ready to let go. In my mind I was making him a better person than he was. And then something happened and I saw him for who he had become. He wasn't the H that I had in my mind anymore. I cried for 3 days straight. There was no going back.
You will know when enough is enough. No one can tell you when that moment is... but you will know it.
1 1/2 years out and you know what I think about when I think about him? How he would throw a fit when I wanted a salad that cost extra at a restaurant. Oh yeah, he was a cheapskate when it came to anyone but him. Now I get to order that salad and no one cares.
It's a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Hold on for the ride. You'll know when it's time to get off.
Sending you hugs and strength.
