"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

silentlyscreamin posted 5/6/2013 09:06 AM

and how do I not change my mind? Well, we were trying to R but to be honest, I am still so angry and feel so betrayed. He was a compulsive liar even before the PA, so I just find it so hard to believe anything he says. And the kicker is, he is the one full of rage and seems to be so mad at me. And if I bring up the A, he says I am always putting it in his face, so in a nutshell, No I guess it hasn't been dealt with on either end. We did try a short stent of MC, but he had so many more issues (depression, ADHD, trauma,etc) that the sessions revolved around him so he just started going alone. Part of the R deal was he would continue counseling and get meds. Well 5 months later and the counseling is not steady and he supposedly just started meds but won't let me see the bottle (power trip). The kicker for me our anniversary is coming up and I have been the one trying to get him to tell me his availability and review plans. Well last night when I finally had his attention, I was "overwhelming" him by asking him to look at the seats. Then he said yea just order them, and told me he couldn't multitask while texting 2 people at the time and he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. Couldn't I order the tickets tomorrow? UHM REALLY? Shouldn't he be the one trying to make our anniversary special after what he did?!! Of course, when I bring up that point, it started a big fight that I am on my "white horse" and perfect and he said he wishes he was still with OW because it couldn't be worse than this! Well that is it! I told him I was going to get papers for D! BUT........
HERE ARE MY FEARS: I am 36. My entire life I have wanted children. I was always the one who was surrounded by kids and babies, yet at 36 I have none and it breaks my heart :( . I know this is selfish but as I read many of these posts here I see many of you have kids and I think how fortunate you are, even though I know divorce is rough on a child. I guess my fear is my age. Yet, deep down, I know I probably shouldn't have kids with this person who is plagued with issues and wears me down constantly. But is the grass greener? Will I be alone and never have any type of family? and I don't have much support or many friends. Many of them have kids and are in their own lives or are in relationships where they kinda just do relationship stuff alone most times. How do you know when enough is enough? i feel like I am there. I actually feel like he is there too yet none of us make the move. And how do you tell family? My family is fairly close and i know when my aunt divorced it was like everyone "pitied" her. To make it worse, Mothers Day is coming up and it is already a hard day for me because I am childless. All of the extended family will gather, I am unsure if husband will go at this point, and I just want to hide. How do you start this process and how do you accept it emotionally and stick to it? How do you envision dating again? I wouldn't even know what to do, who to trust, how to be intimate again. It's been a LONG time since I've been intimate with husband, so im so used to living without. Hell, how do you even find friends again? I'm exhausted and feel like my life is a big lie and is just so miserable. Any words or experiences would be appreciated. I feel so lost and alone....

newlysingle posted 5/6/2013 09:18 AM

(((silentlyscreamin)))

I can imagine it must be really difficult to make the decision to end things. In my case, my STBXH decided for us as he wanted to be with OW. In some ways, it does make it easier since I had no choice.

I can certainly understand your desire to have children as well. However, as a mother to two small children with a father who is a selfish, pathological liar, I wouldn't recommend it. I love my children and am so glad to have them, but I envy those that can end their marriages with their WS and never see them again. My ds is only 7 months old, so I have almost 18 years of dealing with my selfish, cruel, XH. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I worry so much about the kind of influence he will be on my children and what kind of "stepmom" OW is going to be to them. They didn't deserve this.

At 36, you still have a lot of life to live and time to have children. Try and think of it in the way that the more time you waste with him, the longer it will take to find someone that truly deserves to be with you. Also, I know it may not be ideal for you, but have you considered having a child on your own? You don't need a spouse to have a child.

I also have a lot of fears about dating. I was with my STBX for 10 years so I'm way out of practice. It's scary, but also a little exciting. I'm excited at the prospect of one day meeting someone who doesn't lie to me, take me for granted, etc. I think my kids deserve that too.

There are a lot of great people over here on D/S, so I think you'll get a lot of great advice.

horaliar posted 5/6/2013 09:22 AM

I'm in the same boat. I think I'm ready for divorce, but when I see my child, it hurts so much. We tried for R, but he hasn't filfilled my only request, that he keep his contact with OW to a minimum. There is an OC involved, and I understand that they need to have contact for the sake of the baby, but I have found out that he has conversations with her that don't have anything to do with the baby more than once. I saw one yesterday just by coincidence, and it just brought me to my knees again. So I understand your feelings completely. And he also gets upset if I get upset when reacting to his relationship with OW. Hang on, we'll get there.

I too feel alone, I don't have family that lives close by, not many friends either. I have been practically living in a shell since this happened, isolating myself because I don't want anyone's pity.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/6/2013 09:30 AM

How do you start this process and how do you accept it emotionally and stick to it?

I started by looking at the true reality of my situation and asking myself if *that* was acceptable to me. The answer was: No. My desire to *get away* from the extremely dysfunctional mess that is Sultan finally over-rode any fears or *reasons* to remain married.

Your WH is extremely disrespectful towards you and he has a very acidic tongue. And this *attitude* that he has towards you is going to crush your soul if you continue to remain in his presence and listen to the bullshit that he's spewing onto you. The only place his 'power trip' is going to take him is to the courthouse for a divorce.

You are young. Being childless, but wanting children, is not a good reason to stay married to this man. He has made your life a hell on earth, can you imagine what he would do to a child?

Yes. The grass IS greener.

You tell your family that your husband is an abusive, cheating, lying SOB and you'd rather poke forks in your eyes while walking barefoot over hot coals and razor sharp needles, while naked and bald....than waste another second of your life with him.

You may feel lost right now, and it's to be expected. But you aren't alone. {{{hugs}}}

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:32 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

silentlyscreamin posted 5/6/2013 09:55 AM

The sad part is, I don't think he means to be mean, i think he is plagued by his own issues which makes him almost "incapable". I use this as an excuse time and time again to say he is working on it, but you are right, the reality is, I am spending my time WAITING...waiting for something to be fixed that may never be fixed. I guess that saying is right, You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink it. I have to take my own advice. I do not think i will ever fully disclose the details to my family however. I don't think that is a good idea. and as much as I would love NC, we do share a dog and I know that may sound stupid to some but she is older and has been like our child for many years, so there would be some shared custody there, me being primary because I am better off. I didnt go to work today, which is VERY uncharacteristic of me and its already hard when people text and ask, where are you, hope you are ok, and I just say I need a mental health day even though in reality they have NO idea what is in my head. do you ever feel like your life is a lie? Then i start to wonder if others are going through the same thing and no one knows. I mean this website kinda says it all...there are so many cheaters and so much betrayal...kinda has me losing faith in relationships in general. Im searching the net for an IC today. Boy is it hard to choose...

gonnabe2016 posted 5/6/2013 10:25 AM

I've been married to Sultan for 20 years, my Dday was almost 5 years ago, it's been 2.5 years since I found out that he has cheated throughout our entire M, and he has added (at least) 3 *new* OW's in the past 18 months.

Trust me. I *get* the 'making excuses' for them thing.

I don't think he means to be mean, i think he is plagued by his own issues which makes him almost "incapable"

This was always my *go to* also. That he had 'issues' and once he worked on these 'issues', he'd stop being a disloyal, disrespectful jerk to me. The thing is though, he never really worked on those.....and to make matters worse, he seemed to expect to get a *pass* for his bad behavior BECAUSE of his 'issues'. "Gonna, you have to be nice to me because you KNOW that I need a lot of attention!" As opposed to realizing that his needs for attention were way out of whack and needed to be reined in, kwim?

Anyway. My point is that the time has to come where you can say "he doesn't mean to be mean, but it doesn't matter because he IS being mean." He's an adult and he has control of himself and how he acts and what he says. There is NO excuse, other than he's a JAMF, for him to tell you that he wishes that he was still with OW. None.

My over-the-top response as to what to tell your family was a reaction to your fear of being 'pitied' by them. My intent was basically for you to let them know that, if/when a D or S happens, you are looking out for your own best interest and you are doing what is right for YOU. You'll need 'support', not pity.

I understand that you love your dog and that you believe that your WH will want to share time with the dog. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. I'd be very cautious about expressing your feelings about your dog to him right now, though. I'm pretty sure that when it comes to divorce logistics....dogs are considered 'property'. So, if he knows that you absolutely MUST HAVE the dog.....he may try to use that as leverage against you.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/6/2013 10:59 AM

and he said he wishes he was still with OW because it couldn't be worse than this!

OMG. Oh hell the fuck no. FTG, FTG, FTG. What a total asshole

Please girl, you do NOT have to listen to this for one more second. Rebuilding a marriage and reconciliation has everything to do with the WS putting in 200% effort to making you trust him again. This dick isn't trying at all.

PLEASE do not have children with this man. I don't think I've even had time to be sad about the cheating, because WH involved the kids with the MOW for over a year and had them lie to me about it, and all my energy and focus has been on protecting them. It is absolute HELL trying to co-parent with an unremorseful guy such as this.

And I understand the pitying him. My WH has sooo many issues, was physically and sexually abused as a child (by his own biological father and father's friends), constantly beaten up by his alcoholic stepdad for years, forced to do drugs, and there's so much more. It's a horrible story, but the point is that he is a grown ass man now, and I am NOT going to excuse his behavior any longer. I was raped as a child too, but I went to therapy and got the help I needed. I don't sit around treating people like shit and then blaming my past for it. We have ALL had issues in our past, and we each have to take responsibility for how we handle it. Do I feel bad for my ex? Yes. Will I let him use it as an excuse anymore? NO. I can't force him to want or get help. That's his job.

You are still so young and have many years ahead of you. I have no doubt you can find friends and even love again when you are healed from this abusive BS you have been put through.

Lots of hugs and support to you. You have made 30,000+ friends already just by joining this site, and we will be here for you every step of the way

honesttoafault posted 5/6/2013 12:40 PM

I do understand what you are saying about kids, but this is not the father for them.

Once you D, you don't ever have to see him again, but if you have a child with him, you still have to deal with him. It's a life sentence of hell.

You are young. You still have time. I had 3 children when I was 36, 38, and 41.

Your future children deserve a good father.

Another thing, no matter what the excuses are that he is behaving badly, doesn't mean you have to take it. You need IC now to help you through this.

Jada52 posted 5/6/2013 14:17 PM

So sorry silentlyscreamin. I don't want a divorce and not sure how you go about deciding if you need to file. I think once my WS moves out maybe I will be ready to file or he will especially if the skank OW wants him to.

numbandnauseous posted 5/6/2013 18:28 PM

I echo others who say don't have kids with him - then you're stuck dealing with him for 18 years. I really regret that I chose my WH for a sperm donor because he is going to ruin my kids in some way.

Have you thought about getting your eggs frozen? That way you could have some saved before you get older and wouldn't feel so stressed about finding someone new to have kids with - you would always have those 36 year old eggs. Also, my mom had a beautiful, healthy child at 39 and women are having children later than that.

The sooner you get on with D with this guy, the sooner you can get on with your new beginning!

But. most importantly, make sure you get plenty of IC to dig into your FOO and make sure you choose wisely next time! Someone worthy of being your husband and father to your children!

fallingquickly posted 5/6/2013 23:46 PM

You do not want to be tied to that man for 18+ years. Horrible. If you really, truly want to be a mother it would be better to be a single mother than be with him. Go to a sperm bank. Your child would be so much better off not having the stress of such a father.

Be strong and know that it doesn't matter if your family pities you. If they do then they truly don't understand the situation you are in. My family, and my WH's family as well, have been completely supportive of me. I'm fortunate. But even without their support I have to do what is right for me.

And this pretty much rocks as an answer to anyone who gives you any grief:

You tell your family that your husband is an abusive, cheating, lying SOB and you'd rather poke forks in your eyes while walking barefoot over hot coals and razor sharp needles, while naked and bald....than waste another second of your life with him.

[This message edited by fallingquickly at 11:47 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

Ashland13 posted 5/7/2013 09:11 AM

HI SilentlyScreaming,

Here is a question for you to ponder during reflection:

What kind of father figure do you think your WH would be?

I've gone through a lot of issues you are and have a similar short supply of local support as well.

You know, quite frankly, that 36 is an age that's got some child-bearing time left.

Your writing gives an impression of things I am working on also and that's detatchment issues. You sound like me, where still perhaps you're thinking that this is the same man that he is in the same mind-set as before. Your post leads me to think he does as STBXH did, which was to answer me at minimum and sweep me under the rug, while doing the bare minimum to help our "relationship".

STBXH has life issues coming out of his ears, but doesn't think they're connected with his A or other activities outside marriage. If your WH won't address his own issues, they don't have a chance of going away, do they? Maybe they would settle down when the dust clears for you both, but I would think they would have a good chance to crop up at some point later and cause harm?

Yes, he should be working with you and not working to ignore you or make you feel worse. His almost flippant responses are a little red flag trigger for me.

I, too am lonely and wish for intimacy on a small level and companionship, but it feels very strange to set out and actually find. Trusting another man is not something that I know if I can do or not.

And the end of your post suggests that you are detatching from WH but not ready or afraid to take the next steps.

sueMC posted 5/7/2013 09:41 AM

Please!!! Don't buy tickets; use the money for the divorce. You deserve so much better. And you will find it. He is sucking the life out of you.

At 36, you are young! I had my son at age 44--and while I don't recommend waiting quite that long, my point is that you've got plenty of time. Is this the man you want to be tied to for life with a child? Make a clean break...heal...move on.

{Hugs} You deserve so much better and it is out there.

Dawn58 posted 5/7/2013 10:31 AM

Silentlyscreamin, I hear your pain. it is so hard when you have been betrayed, so many dreams go up in smoke.

At 36, you have plenty of time to have a baby. I know you want to have a family but He does not have to be the father of that baby.....You would be tied to him for the next 18 years, do you really want that, or even better, do you deserve that??

I don't have many friends either, so this has been a really lonely time for me. I am really trying to reach out to other people and become part of the planet again. My world revolved around him, and now it will revolve around me and what makes me happy.

I told my parents about the affair as well as his parent's. I didn't want to go through this without the support of my family. I have been very honest with my Dad and his wife and they have been so supportive of me. I felt so much guilt and shame that my marriage failed and that he cheated on me and they constantly remind me of how much I am loved, that I did nothing to deserve the way I was treated and that he is an asshole. It feels so good to have someone champion me because the cheating pig did his best to blame me for the demise of the marriage and painted me out to be a cold, uncaring bitch that only used him. Sounds like a case of classic projection, but I bought into the lies because I could not understand how someone could possibly lie, deceive and cheat on someone that was their "soul mate"!! I could never do that, would never do that. I could never hurt someone like that, betray them and abuse their trust and love.

He's now found another "soul mate" and will repeat the same pattern. I am wife #3, he cheated on wife #2 twice. One affair is the dealer breaker for me.

I am divorcing him (and I did file for divorce) because I will not be married to a man that tossed me aside because I was not meeting his narcissistic needs. I will not be married to a man that chose to screw another woman rather than talk to me about being unhappy or feeling tempted to have an affair. I will not be married to a man that broke the promise and vow he made to me as well as my son. I will not be married to a man that disrespects me and the sacredness of my love and trust. I will not be married to a man that is incapable of being honest, of taking responsibility for the actions he took or showing any remorse or acknowledge the pain that he has caused. I will not be married to a man that treated me like shit, had a bad temper, had major control issues and blame me for everything. I will not be married to a man that misery doled out money to me when he was off spending tens of thousand of dollars on new cars for himself, hotel rooms for his skanky girlfriend, dinners out with her and god knows what else. I will not be married to a man who's job meant more to him that I did, that spent 16 hours a day at work. I will not be married to a man that only wanted his needs met - i rubbed his back for him every night before he went to sleep, did he rub my back?? NO! A man that expected me to drop everything I was doing the moment he came home and give him a 100% of my attention. He never even acknowledged when I walked in the door!!! I will not be married to a man that I no longer respect or trust. I deserve so much more than that. So do you.....

Dawn58 posted 5/7/2013 10:31 AM

Your life is not a lie, he is.

silentlyscreamin posted 5/7/2013 18:22 PM

thanks everyone. I have read the replies numerous times and will process and keep in mind. Ashland and Dawn you are right in your assumptions about my thoughts and gave me good food for thought. He stopped by yesterday on a break from work to apologize saying he felt horrible about what he said. I didnt speak to him all day so the apology was spontaneous. I know it is minimal. I am enforcing his IC and meds. I will not bend on this. I also called my own IC. I think i need one to sort this out objectively. I go from hot to cold in my thoughts. I appreciate all the responses and am glad to have support here. I wish you all the best as well!

PS. Dawn have you considered meetup.com? my friend has really found a great group of friends and has come out of her shell more by joining some groups there.

Jayne Doe posted 5/7/2013 19:25 PM

There's no answer to your question.

One day you just have had enough. I held on too long. He'd throw me crumbs and I would gobble them up. I'd get 2x4s from my fellow SIers, but I wasn't ready to let go.
In my mind I was making him a better person than he was.
And then something happened and I saw him for who he had become. He wasn't the H that I had in my mind anymore. I cried for 3 days straight. There was no going back.

You will know when enough is enough. No one can tell you when that moment is... but you will know it.

1 1/2 years out and you know what I think about when I think about him? How he would throw a fit when I wanted a salad that cost extra at a restaurant. Oh yeah, he was a cheapskate when it came to anyone but him. Now I get to order that salad and no one cares.

It's a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Hold on for the ride. You'll know when it's time to get off.

Sending you hugs and strength.