I am still struggling with the guilt, I bought into what he told me - that I changed the day we got married, that he was no longer my number one priority, all I cared about was my homework for school, that I didn't get along with his family, that I took advantage of him. That I didn't attend events with him, he got tired of everyone asking him where I was so he stopped inviting me, it was just easier for him. That he was unhappy for a year and tried to talk to me about it, but I just blew him off. It was as if he totally forgot who I really am.
The truth is, I am in a demanding program at school, but my son told me that I was busy with school, but that I always made time at the end of the day to be with WH. That I made time on the weekend to spend with him. My son reminded me that WH worked ridiculously long hours - 15 hour days so he wasn't around much. And WH attended the open house with me when I started the program and he was told that it was a demanding program and that he would not see much of me for the next few years. I have a little over a year to go.
The truth is, I tried my very best to get along with his family (his mother is a really difficult person to get along with). I called her every week to talk, I went to every family occasion and spent time talking with his mother and sister while he hid out with his Dad. He has a very distant relationship with his Mother. Whenever he was home and she called, he never spoke to her, wanted me to tell her that he wasn't home.
In the eight years we were together, I missed two events. He was too busy to attend my graduation, never attended my great nephew's birthday parties. Nearly every weekend, we had some sort of event to attend to that was connected to his job, he was not home Monday - Thursday nights, only home for dinner Friday night. His job demanded a great deal of my time to attend events. I happily went along with it because I loved him and wanted to support him. That's what married people do, support each other and honor the things that are important to them. I knew his job was important to him.
He never told me that he was unhappy. I tried to talk to him when he stopped initiating sex with me. He said everything was fine, but stopped touching me years ago. I asked him every day how his day was (he accused me that I didn't care about his work, that I was only interested in the workplace gossip), I rubbed his back for him every night so he could go to sleep. I told him every morning that I loved him when he left for work. And he told me that he loved me, even after he started the affair. Pig......
The feelings of guilt suck. After I confronted him and he asked me to leave, I felt like I had blown the best thing that happened to me. That if I had not gone back to school and spent more time with him, I'd still be married to him. I am pursuing a career I have dreamt about for my entire life. Now, the joy is gone for me. I feel like this has cost me my marriage, cost me the love of man I married.
Intellectually, I know this is crap. I am his third wife, he cheated twice on his second wife. This is his pattern. That no matter what I did, he would have cheated, it was just a matter of time. He can't have a real relationship, he only wants to fall in love with love. He needs attention 24/7. I talked with one of his former assistant to ask her if she thought he was a narcissist and she answered "on my God, yes". She was exhausted working with him, said he was such high maintenance and it was like taking care of a two year old. I remember how very exhausted I felt all the time, nothing I did was ever enough. It was all about him. His needs. He treated me like I was his assistant, just wanted me to take care of all the little things he needed done, that he didn't have the time to do. He would wake me up in the middle of the night to rub his back, so he could go back to sleep. I kept the house cleaned, entertained his work associates, attended events with him, took care of all the little details so he could come home and relax. I treated him with kindness and respect. I loved him and trusted him.
I was not the perfect wife, but I am not the person he now claims I am. All I can figure, is that he needs to believe this so he can justify what he has done. He broke the vows. He's the one that bought at least 80 cars over the past 8 years, was obsessed with that. Would come home at night, plop the computer on his chest and look for new cars, or part for cars. He distanced himself from me years ago. He stopped initiating sex with me years ago. He controlled the money. Everything is in his name, except for the house I am living in now, that was to be our retirement home.
I was so naive. I trusted him. I believed the lies he told me. I thought I knew the man I fell in love with. I was guilty of opening up my heart to him and loving him.
How do you move through the guilt???