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karmahappens posted 5/6/2013 11:31 AM

We have 2 kids. Son 24 and Daughter 22.

Son was asked to move out of our home a few months ago. He has chosen to make bad decisions isn't respectful, has issues with drug use...I could go on and on.

We finally had to let him go and let him stand on his own two feet (We should have done it prior to this...but )

He has been on again off again dating a girl for about 6 months.

I found out yesterday she is 4 months pregnant.

She is 28 and already has 2 children she cannot afford.

I am heart-broken. He hasn't even talked to us about it. We found out from girlfriends mom.

I know I have no control, whatever choice they make is up to them. My son isn't able to care for a child and wants her to put the baby up for adoption.

She told him she will keep the baby and he can sign away all rights.

I know I have to sit and wait to see what they decide...but I am so afraid. She cant afford the 2 she has. He is emotionally void, this baby will not have the chances he/she should.

I have to just support their choice, right? I can't imagine never getting to see my grandchild, but it is best for the baby to have a family that will love him/her.

Do I have rights? Whast if he signs away his...I just cant imagine.

My emotions are everywhere...sorry this is probably all over the place.

Deep inside I want to tell them I will raise the child, but I don't feel like I have the right to butt in...Where does protecting a baby and crossing a line happen??

I know someone else has been here...


simplydevastated posted 5/6/2013 11:39 AM

Wow, I really don't know what to say. Could you contact a family law attorney and find out your rights?

I just noticed you're in MA, like me. MA has grandparent visitation. My in-laws threatened us with it (we're trying to keep the kids away for their own good) and from what I remember of the "grounds" to be able to seek visitation. The grandparents have the burden of proof to show that a relationship with them is good for the grandchild (you've got that). You can only file if the couple is divorced/separated, the baby is born out of wedlock and paternity has been established, if one parent is deceased.

Let me see if I can find out more. But it doesn't hurt to contact a lawyer.

*ETA - Here's one link I found and it has other links in it.

**ETA(again) -

Deep inside I want to tell them I will raise the child, but I don't feel like I have the right to butt in

I don't think you would be butting in at all. She already has two that she can't afford. You would be able to provide a safe and loving home for the baby. That's just my added two cents

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 11:45 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

karmahappens posted 5/6/2013 11:45 AM

I figured MA would have visitation rights...

I am hoping I dont need to contact an atty but will if I need to.

I just wish people would stop and think about the baby's welfare.

I have a feeling this is going to turn into one hell of a shit show.

I don't want to add any drama here. I don't feel as though sound decisions will be made.

As much of a mess my son is, he said he does not want his child to grow up struggling and in her care (their care) he / she will. And he is right.

I am so mad at him....and so sad for him at the same time.

ETA: Thanks SD..I will check out the links. I have to go to work and will check back when I get there.

My mind is so crazy right now and I just feel like I am going to be is the last thing on my mind.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:48 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

simplydevastated posted 5/6/2013 11:53 AM

It sounds like from what your sons said that you are both on the same page, so that is something. I would just make sure that he doesn't sign over his rights. You both will have more rights that way.


roughroadahead posted 5/6/2013 11:55 AM

I'm sorry to hear about your DS's difficulties. What a tough situation to be in.

Don't worry about him signing away his rights. It is not as easy as going into a court and saying "Hi, I'd like to sign away my rights, please". It can be done in the case of, for example, a step parent adoption when there is someone else willing to take on the parental role. For situations like this, where the mother is single, it is highly unlikely to be an option. If it were, every deadbeat in town would be lined up around the block, signing away their rights to be off the hook for child support.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 11:56 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

dameia posted 5/6/2013 12:03 PM

That poor, poor baby.

If the mother does keep the baby I hope she will let you be in the child's life, without too much drama, so you can offer the it the support it will clearly need.

Have you talked to your DS about this yet?

If he doesn't want to talk about it, you can try talking directly to his GF. She might be thrilled to hear that you want to be a part of the baby's life. She must be feeling very overwhelmed right now.

And, in the end, if they decide to give the baby up for adoption, just think of the joy an adoptive family will feel at the gift your DS and GF are giving them.

Many adoptions are open now, with contact between the birthparents and the adoptive parents. Perhaps you will be able to keep in touch with the adoptive family.

karmahappens posted 5/6/2013 13:54 PM

and Dameia

And, in the end, if they decide to give the baby up for adoption, just think of the joy an adoptive family will feel at the gift your DS and GF are giving them

If I remove my own selfish wants and needs I think this would be the best for the baby...but I think the mom to be has different ideas.

I am so afraid....ugh

authenticnow posted 5/6/2013 14:20 PM


You might remember I was in a very, very similar situation a few years ago. The heartbreak was just about unbearable and I am sorry you are going through it.

My situation 'worked out' (if that's what you'd call it, because it certainly doesn't feel that way in my heart) where we (LD and I) have decided not to have the baby in our lives. It hurts a lot. Right now this is what has to be to keep the crazy away (DS's wxgf). Her parents adopted the baby although I think xgf and her fiance of the month are raising her...I really don't know.

It wasn't an easy decision. It is one that I still question every day.

Anyway...I don't want to t/j.

PM me if you need to talk.

Hugs to you.

ETA Karma, I just looked at your join date and realized you probably weren't here when I posted about DS's situation with xgf and the baby. It's eerily similar, as I know much of our situation with our DS's is .

[This message edited by authenticnow at 2:28 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

karmahappens posted 5/6/2013 14:27 PM

Jesus AN

Everything in my life has happened to you first, do me a favor and just give me the handbook...

What scares me the most is the lack of control...I know I have NONE and it's not my decision to make ...but I do not think she is a good mom so how do I not step in. And because she isn't a good mom in my eyes doesnt mean she isn't an acceptable parent.

I cannot wrap my head around not being in a continued state of worry for this baby. As it is I worry for her two. I know she has no food, her electricity is going to be shut off and she is living day to day with no money.

She lost her license so has no transportation.

How do I separate the knowing that it's none of my business and feeling like I have to save this child...

but then I know I can't save everyone I bump into ...

it's a crazy cycle and I have hopped onto it.

so that's where i think this

where we (LD and I) have decided not to have the baby in our lives

Is another option...

God I am a mess.

ETA: I don't think she is a bad person or a bad mom per se...she has circumstances that don't allow her to be her best right now, I think she is overwhelmed and THAT is making it difficult to be a good mom, not that SHE is bad...

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:32 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

authenticnow posted 5/6/2013 14:37 PM

I know, I saved our old PM conversation and was just looking at it thinking, are we living parallel lives?

How do I separate the knowing that it's none of my business and feeling like I have to save this child...
That was very, very hard for me to let go of. For me, a couple of things---xgf left to live back with her parents during the pregnancy because she continued to cheat on DS and he called her on it and she wouldn't own it and she fled. That's 6 hours away. Her parents threatened to kill DS (literally---her father said, 'I will come there with a shotgun and kill you'). She told them he was violent (she was lying). We had the phone records to show the cheating, she denied everything. DS even saw sexual videos.

He had her do a paternity test, and when it was confirmed he started paying child support. After a few months he got a lawyer's letter asking to sign over his parental rights to her parents, they wanted to adopt her. He agreed to.

I went back and forth with her a few times, when she offered to let me in the baby's life. She completely messed with my head and was using my emotions to manipulate me. It was too much. I was a mess. I decided to detach completely.

The baby is 3 1/2 years old now. Recently, the xgf texted me asking if I wanted to see pics. I said yes. She emailed me some and told me that if I wanted to be in the baby's life the offer still stands. I said thank you but not at this time.

About two weeks ago she FB friend requested me. I ignored it.

I am so, so sorry, Karma.

I have been a BS and a WS and I have to say that this pain for me was up there with all of that. I cried and cried for a long time. It still hurts. Reading your post triggered me bad. I think it will always hurt. I still think that maybe there is hope for a future relationship with her but I don't know.

Talking to my IC about it a lot, over and over for weeks, helped.

[This message edited by authenticnow at 2:38 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

lieshurt posted 5/6/2013 14:43 PM

He has been on again off again dating a girl for about 6 months.

Is he even sure this is his child? If they were on again/off again, isn't it possible somebody else could be the father? I hate to see you get so upset over this without proof that this is his child.

authenticnow posted 5/6/2013 14:45 PM

I agree with lieshurt. A paternity test is a good idea. For my DS it was taken right after the baby's birth. He requested it, the state paid for it and since he was the father he had to reimburse them (or something like that, it's hard to remember, it was a few years ago).

karmahappens posted 5/6/2013 14:57 PM

I thought of that. I will pay for the test myself. I cant go through this and in a few years find out it isn't even his child.

It's going to be a long 5 months.

AN, I am sorry to trigger you. I almost PM'd you because of our son's histories...never in a million years thinking you had the same experience ...

I need to slow down and breathe....I have just allowed myself to jump on the crazy train and I have come too far for that.

Thank you so much for sharing your pain, it helps to know there is a way down this road too.


authenticnow posted 5/6/2013 15:08 PM

It's okay. I can handle it .

We went through the pregnancy waiting for that paternity test, with the small hope that the baby wasn't his (sad, isn't it?), hoping we could detach from the damn xgf forever. In my heart I made myself believe the baby wasn't his. When I heard she was, I wasn't surprised but I was devastated. It is crazymaking, for sure. Then I saw a picture of her and I knew she was DS's. They could have been his baby pictures, the resemblance was so strong .

Take a breath, step back and let go of the outcome because you know you can't control it.

You'll get through it.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to/need to talk. It helps to talk to somebody who understands.

never in a million years thinking you had the same experience ...
You should have known

karmahappens posted 5/6/2013 15:31 PM

with the small hope that the baby wasn't his (sad, isn't it?),

I have already thought the same thing....but I think it is his.

She "fell in love" with him immediately. They broke it off after a few months (he did) and for some reason he went back to her (probably because we threw him out and she would take him in...)

He and his decisions make me sad.

I am sure I will need to PM you at some point AN, there are so many questions...

Thank you

JanetS posted 5/6/2013 15:38 PM

First I want to say how sorry I am for your situation. I imagine it is excruciating.

As for her signing away the financial responsibility of your son to the baby, this is something that a lawyer should comment on.

It is my understanding that unless the child is adopted, the mother cannot sign away the child's rights. The mother might have him sign a paper, BUT (and again this is only MY understanding, but I don't have first-hand knowledge)...then the mother OR the child can, down the road, come after him for child support for all of the years since the child's birth.

So, your son should know what he's in for. That being said, if the child is not adopted, he really should pay. But, blood from a stone...I recognize he may not step up to the plate. So very sad, for everybody involved.

I agree with you, in the situation described, the best thing for the baby would be to be placed with a loving family....strangers or, IF you are sure of your feelings about adopting, that would probably be good for the baby too. But it's a major life changer, and you have to be sure. You may be inviting the drama into your life along with the innocent baby.

[This message edited by JanetS at 3:40 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

karmahappens posted 5/6/2013 16:43 PM

You may be inviting the drama into your life along with the innocent baby.

I agree Janet.

I would have no problem adopting the baby, if it was what my son and GF wanted. I would not go behind their back and adopt if they decided another family was the best route....KWIM? We would all have to go through IC and make sure the drama was eliminated.

I don' think it will be an option, I really think girlfriend wants to keep him/her.

I guess we will have to see what they decide.I have totally put the cart before the horse and my mind is all over the place lol....

JanetS posted 5/7/2013 13:54 PM

And, IF she does keep the baby then a DNA test is very important. If it's not his baby then, end of story. IF it is his baby, then there are a ton of matters that need to be dealt with. Again don't think because she SAYS she won't go after him for child support it may mean nothing. That is because child support is for the child. She is not allowed to sign away the child's rights. (again, my get a lawyer on this). So down the road, when she needs $ to raise the child, or when the child goes off to college, there may be a need to go after your son for his share of the cost of raising him. And really that is fair. I understand how it is a nightmare though, and a worry for the baby on the way.

Let's hope it is an eye-opener for your son and he does what he must do.

JanetS posted 5/7/2013 13:54 PM

oops, double post

[This message edited by JanetS at 1:55 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 5/7/2013 14:22 PM

Just sending you tons of support, karma. ((((hugs))))

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