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sadminnie posted 5/6/2013 13:48 PM

So it's been 8 weeks since I discovers the affair, we have tried R it didnt work and ended up with me in the hospital on Thursday night with a fractured jaw and broken rib. We have now obv decided to call it a day and separate, luckily were not married but we had been together 12 years. I would really appreciate and advice and tips on how I'm gonna get through this cos at the moment I feel my world has ended

Vulcanized posted 5/6/2013 14:06 PM

Hi Sad,

Sorry that you are going thru this.

Looking at your sig, I take it he became violent w/disclosure on DD #2?

I understand you feeling like your world has ended. You will find a way thru.

The fact that he fractured your jaw is enough incentive to stay away from him forever. Was he physically aggressive with you prior?

As for you, talk to your Dr. about anti-depressants if you feel you may need them. Try to get enough rest and to eat. You have to stay strong for your d.

sadminnie posted 5/6/2013 14:09 PM

He has never laid a finger on me until that night. Now I know when the A started I can see how he changed as a person and I feel like I don't even know him now. I'm trying to be strong but I can't get my head round him not going to be in my life no more

ButterflyGirl posted 5/6/2013 19:10 PM

I'm so sorry sadminnie. How horrifying..

I can understand if you're grieving the loss of your relationship, but please, you should be happy if he's not going to be in your life anymore, and you might actually have to fight to keep him away. From you and your daughter.

Please reach out to some friends or family in real life for some support and protection for you and your little girl.

Sending you lots of healing hugs..

welcome14 posted 5/6/2013 21:47 PM

bless your heart, how horrible for you, I can't even imagine the pain, both mental and physical. sending you healing prayers and prayers for your safety in the future. Be safe and strong for your little one. ((hugs))

fallingquickly posted 5/6/2013 22:53 PM

Since he put you in the hospital I would suggest a restraining order. Definitely pay attention to how you are feeling emotionally and get an antidepressant if needed. Get enough rest and focus on what is best for you and your daughter.

Hindsight is so much clearer. They change so gradually that we don't notice. Looking back, especially when I look at pictures, I can see the change in my WH. Once we truly see what they have become the damage is done.

SBB posted 5/7/2013 06:06 AM

Please know - nothing, NOTHING you could ever do warrants physical violence.

Restraining order ASAP.

Get to see a counsellor, ASAP. This kind of violence doesn't happen overnight. It bubbles with emotional abuse, simmers with emotional violence. Boiling over is inevitable.

Get yourself and your kids safe.
Call your support network.
Go see a lawyer + get your financials in order.

This is not a marriage problem. This is an abuse problem.

I spent almost a decade with an emotionally abusive piece of shit. He laughed at me when I first called it abuse but later admitted that is exactly what it was.

My mum did too - physical for a decade or more. I witnessed it all. I should have known better.

I too could not imagine life without him. Like some kind of Stockholm Syndrome.

With distance you'll start noticing how fucked up your 'normal' really is. You'll look back in shock that you ever lived like that.

You haven't lost anything honey - you're free. Don't let fear hold you to him - he's used that for too long. Far too long.

curiouswiz posted 5/7/2013 07:53 AM

Yeah sadminnie, welcome honey. Now? Run for your life. RUN! Take your baby and RUN like fire in a windstorm.

We take the emotional abuse. Then when the physical abuse comes it's too late. Much too late. I pray your baby didn't see you hurt. Because it destroys children's souls to witness violence against someone they love.

My mom loved a man that beat her regularly. When I was 15 he sexually assaulted me. I told my mom. She moved all of us. Then she let him back in 2 weeks. Within a week she was beaten again. He shot my big brother when he tried to talk some sense into him, shot him as he was running away from the gun, shot him in the back of his thigh, aiming for his back. Then she stabbed him. Then he stomped her face with his daughter in the crib right beside them. He stomped and stomped. I jumped on his back and grabbed him around the neck and told my kid brother to pull me by the waist so we could pull him away from her. He was just too big and threw me off of him and left. I spent the next five minutes trying to find her eyeball in the blood on the floor. I couldn't find it. I tried but I couldn't. I begged the police to stay til I found it so it could be put back in. It hadn't really come out of her head but it sure looked it and she insisted I find it. She was so beautiful .. before this.

She looked like a Frankenstein monster after that. Somehow she still loved him. How? I'll never know. We never did see him again because he knew that I would have him arrested and put away. But he wrote to her asking if he could and she told him what I'd said.

Okay? Do you see what you're setting yourself up for? Do you want to be broken up and in pieces on the floor? Do you want your baby to think this is okay? Do you want him to hurt your baby? He hurt her when he hurt you!

Please, RUN!

sadminnie posted 5/7/2013 11:18 AM

Well I have gone to the police they have charged him with abh and I now have my door key back and his stuff is packed. What I really need now is advice and strength with moving on on my own and not being weak and to try and look towards the future

TrustGone posted 5/7/2013 12:40 PM

Welcome. I am sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. I am so sorry he abused you. There is no excuse for anyone to ever lay their hands on another person. You need to get yourself and your daughter away from this man. He is messed up in more ways than one.

I grew up in an abusive household. My father was very abusive to my Mother when he drank. Any other time he was OK, but the alcohol made him physically and verbally abusive. He never abused us, but I still remember hiding under my bed and being scared he was going to kill my Mom and then us. She would be mad at him a few days, he would be ashamed by what he did, then they would be OK, then the cycle would begin again. This went on until I was 16 and really affected my teen life. I was very rebellious and moved out as soon as I turned 18. I finished my last year of high school living with my crazy aunt, but it was better than where I came from. You do not want your daughter growing up in this type of environment.

You need to seek counciling for yourself and your daughter. Do not have any contact with him at all. Do not drop assault charges. He needs to see that he needs help and if he gets away with it, he will just continue to esculate. The no contact will also give you time to get yourself together and detach from him and this relationship. Good luck. (((HUGS)))

ButterflyGirl posted 5/7/2013 13:20 PM

My best advice would be to NOT take any responsibility for what he did. Do not ever think, "If I hadn't done.... He only did it because... If I had just..." Do not pity him or drop any of the charges. He has to take responsibility and whatever consequences come with his actions. I know you probably don't want any of this to be true and wish it never happened, but he can't take it back now.

If anything, I think from a legal standpoint you would be making a big mistake to have any type of contact or give him any type of forgiveness. Don't let him accuse you of anything or make you feel at all like you deserved it. No one ever, ever, ever deserves that, and I will continue to be horrified every time I hear of this happening to someone.

Please get yourself some support in real life, friends, family, reach out for some help when you need it. I can imagine you are under a lot of stress, so maybe someone could help you with your daughter for a bit to give you a break and deal with some of the emotions.

I would definitely agree with NO CONTACT with this guy. Definite restraining order. Don't try to ask him why, what made him do it, doesn't he feel bad, what is he going to do to prevent this in the future, NONE OF THAT. Don't try to figure him out, or try to figure out why he did this to you or what you did to deserve it. YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS. Just put all your focus on yourself and your daughter and reaching out for some help from trusted people and the courts.

I'm sending up lots of prayers for you and your daughter to get through this.. You can do it (((((sadminnie))))

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