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Why He Cheated

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Butterfly24 posted 5/6/2013 15:16 PM

I have been asking my husband why he cheated on me, it was with a prostitute, if anyone remembers my post.

Here is what he said. He said he knows he was wrong and that by thinking about it and trying to understand why he has come up with this.

He was MAD at me. My son has been in and out of hospitals, psych wards and drug rehab several times over the past few months. He has tried to overdose twice, the last time he was put in ICU.

He says he has had resentment towards me because he feels I don't want him to spend time with his son. Because of the way my husband has acted during our marriage in reguards to me and my children, his as well, I have come to dread his son being here. However, I have not been mean to his son, I just keep to myself for the most part on the weekends he is here.

He lost his job late last year and was feeling down about that, even though he has his own business, so it's not like he was really without work.

I told him you know what, those are all good reasons to pay to f a prostitute.

Needless to say, when he told me all of these things it really pissed me off.

cds22 posted 5/6/2013 15:40 PM

*If* it is even true rather than an attempt to shift blame, using a prostitute because you are mad at your spouse brings new meaning to the term "anger management issues."

I am in a similar boat and the best I can come up with as to why include: 1) escalation of possible porn addiction (my husband is in the middle of an evaluation work-up); 2) character defect of selfishness; 3) maladaptive coping skills in dealing with stress; 4) opportunity to feel "powerful" and in control via sex--for many men and some women I suspect that loss of self-esteem or personal control in the workplace may be one factor (but not the whole story); 5) no desire for an emotional relationship as would develop in a physical affair with a non-prostitute.

Hang in there Butterfly and try not to torture yourself with whys. In my view, it is HIS job (and his therapist's) to figure out why he did this.

PeaceLove187 posted 5/6/2013 15:50 PM

Needless to say, when he told me all of these things it really pissed me off.

I know I shouldn't laugh at your pain but I did laugh a little at the above quote just because your reaction was so perfect. Absolutely you should be pissed off--damn straight--and it's nice to hear that reaction instead of another BS trying to be all nice and understanding and accepting of blame. And mind you--I tried nice and understanding way too long.

Sure, he was probably mad at you, just as he was mad at himself and the whole damn world. He needs to learn how to get over that.

Ashland13 posted 5/6/2013 16:55 PM

Yes, actually, this is among the chief reasons it is believed that STBXH sought other women-revenge for hostilities he had hidden from me instead of working on, for years and years.

Also, he lost several jobs and his ego was down, but he continued to turn away from me and not too me...he pinned every problem completely on me.

So I can completely relate to this aspect of the "why" Q and As. There are people in the world who would rather seek revenge than tell there is a problem. STBXH could never tolerate a confrontation and that is his excuse.

I think saying a person had an affair because they were mad is simplyfing more difficult feelings and perhaps feelings are in there that they may not be ready to divulge.

I'm sorry for your troubles and hope someday that time with the son being around won't always be hard.

1Faith posted 5/6/2013 18:09 PM

Hell Yes you should be mad. What a baby. I am mad at you so I will show you.

Really, are you 5 years old?

So the next time you get mad or disappointed with him do you get to go pick up some guy and have revenge sex?

Blame shifting. Not owning his actions or his consequences. Bullsh*t.

Be mad. Feel every emotion you are meant to feel. It is part of the healing.

Look up the 5 Stages of Grief...it applies to infidelity as well.

Good luck. Keep moving.

JamieMc posted 5/7/2013 00:03 AM

First of all, big hugs to you butterfly, sorry you have found yourself here but we do understand your pain. My WH cheated with prostitutes too:( His answer to "why" was that he felt like we were dis-connected after many years of marriage, kids, financial struggles etc...My response to him was, did you really think that you paying prostitutes for blow jobs was going to help us " re-connect"? Yeah, not even a good attempt @ trying to excuse the breaking of our vows, WH. We are trying very hard to R but that certainly was a very poor attempt for him to rationalize his cheating, not that there are ever any valid reasons to betray a spouse or partner. All the best Jamie

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/7/2013 10:56 AM

It sounds like a whole LOT of "Who Shot John" to justify nothing more than letting his genitals do his thinking for him.

Honestly? Instead of just admitting that his reason for doing this was nothing more than getting a cheap thrill for $50, he instead took a situation that may very well indeed be a source of aggrevation for him - and then used it against you to blame YOU for his actions.

I think sometimes these guys dream these nonsense excuses up because we demand to know why they cheated and we won't give up until they give us an answer. Sometimes their reason is really nothing more than them acting like selfish asshats looking for a cheap thrill while 'mommy' isn't looking. I know TONS of guys who do that crap.

cds22 posted 5/7/2013 12:59 PM

I wanted to add that my husband met with his SA therapist last night and he mentioned to me that she talked to him about his lack of empathy. She says it is common for people who are unfaithful to lack true empathy for the feelings of others in their lives.

This hit home. Like many, the knee-jerk question I have asked myself is "does he love me?" But, really, forget love, I wouldn't do anything that would create this kind of pain to my worst enemy! I think some of these spouses are unable to feel empathy and in my book that makes them unable to fully love anyone.

hathnofury posted 5/7/2013 17:06 PM

Needless to say, when he told me all of these things it really pissed me off.
I know I shouldn't laugh at your pain but I did laugh a little at the above quote just because your reaction was so perfect. Absolutely you should be pissed off--damn straight--and it's nice to hear that reaction instead of another BS trying to be all nice and understanding and accepting of blame.

My thoughts exactly. You go girl! Obviously his head is still firmly lodged in his ass. It had NOTHING to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with what's broken in him. If he can blame it on being mad at you, he doesn't have to address that at all.

But you already knew that.

standinghere posted 5/8/2013 03:17 AM

Resentments

That one word is the answer, the other is all noise.

The reasons for those resentments are not as obvious, usually not what we think they are.

My wife has them big time, still does despite counseling and a lot of work on it.

The underlying reasons for this will have to be worked on for a while, it is usually not as easy to get there as we would wish.

la433 posted 5/8/2013 04:09 AM

He said he knows he was wrong

Ha. Be skeptical.

I was saying in another post to someone else that if you listen very closely what you will really hear is the voice of rebellion. What he is really saying is that it wasn't wrong, not his fault and it didn't hurt anyone.

The first clue is how he shifted blame to you. The next clue is blaming the kids. The next is the job.

No, it couldn't posibly be him, could it? I mean when is it ever the WS's fault?

Reality is that it's not you, the kids, the job, the dog, the house, or whatever other lame shit they say, it's them.

Truth & lies cannot occupy the same space.

Housefulloflove posted 5/8/2013 22:09 PM

la433 exactly!

They say they understand what they did was wrong and they are sorry but how could it be followed by excuses and justifications if they truly accepted that what they did was dead wrong?

If I robbed a bank and said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I know I'm wrong, etc. but I was tired of not having enough money" am I really sorry? If I punched someone in the face and say "sorry but you deserved it because..." how the heck is that sincere. Cheaters with excuses aren't a bit sorry other than being sorry excuses for human-beings.

That is one of the many things my stbx does that pisses me off greatly and why I refuse to initiate any more conversations about his affair. He's so sorry but can't say that without then giving a ever-changing reason for excusing his horrible behavior (and basically saying I'm responsible as well).

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 10:11 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

la433 posted 5/9/2013 03:40 AM

Here's the way I'm approaching it.

My xWW is in denial about an affair. She says that the relationship she was/is having started after she told me she was going to file for divorce. BTW, we are still technically not divorced yet. Just in the process. However, a month before she told me she was going to file, I got an email from the phone company about going over the text limit. Not that I cared about how many texts she did, but she got very defensive acting like I was checking up on her. I wasn't and would have never known had the phone company not alerted me because of going over the limit.

Now that being stated. Putting it together, she was at the very least having an EA. Being that only 2 weeks after she said she was going to divorce me she started seeing this guy publicly, I think it's plain to see that there was more than likely something physical. If I were to have access to her email, no telling what I would be able to find out.

However, I am not going to approach this subject because I believe it will not result in real change from her but more excuses, denials and further rebellion.

She knows I know about the texts, but I think she believes I haven't put 1 and 1 together yet. It's kind of funny. The only reason I'm cordial at all is because of the kids.

If she ever has true remorse and comes clean of her doing, then maybe there's real hope. I think all the other situations where the WS is approached are situations where the WS has had their hands caught in the cookie jar. They "change".

But how do you really know?

I don't think you can ever really know for sure if their new behavior is of their own doing or because they're afraid to lose their family/spouse/reputation.

As to why they cheat, who really knows? They don't even know. Their lame excuses are so pathetic it is hard to imagine that they are serious.

For once in my life, I'd like to meet someone who has looked at temptation/seduction straight in the eye and said "fuck off".

BTW, all of you should watch Tyler Perry's "Temptation". Disturbingly accurate movie.

[This message edited by la433 at 4:13 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

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