"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

kiki1 posted 5/6/2013 16:26 PM

I have tried to R with my husband, wanted it badly, was blindsided, like most people here. Naive. Stupid. I guess we arent going to be successful. Too many issues we cant address together. I dont know if I am being overly sensitive. NC was broken in 6/12. I still dont know that he doesnt see her or speak to her. He tells me she doesnt come to the garage where he works anymore. All the sudden, everyone is so kind of my feelings. Was aware of another AP for over a year, I think, but he would not respond honestly until this past January. Can you belive that even though i thought it was so, it still cut like a knife? This past weekend he was looking at a porn site, but hid it. This tells me I'm still unsatisfying. Not enough. Somethings he has been honest about, but many he wasnt. Is tt for 2 1/2 years really acceptable? I really needed to know certain things, in order to heal. Figure out what to do. Now, i dont know what matters. He tells me he had sex with them, but makes love to me. Does that mean i will never meet his needs cause i cant give him sex? He tells me if i like, he'll put me in the pig category too. Thats who men have sex with outside marriage, is pigs. He has addiction issues, but told me recently he feels he is emotionally healthy. WTF? I guess I'm the crazy one, that's what he tells me-its all in your head. Lies, covers the truth and then wants to know why i'm unhappy. and oh by the way, he tells me i'm pushing him away. i can sense he is already detaching from me again. so easy for him, why cant i? i know i'm codependent. Cant seem to break the chains. I wanted my husband, home, marriage and family. I'm tired, hopeless. Do you think I've wasted yet 3 more years on this person? I dont think we are going to move past this point. he would never arrange for counseling, when we did go, it was a joke. Counselors were inept and he tired of it quickly. We car pool and he comes home from work instead of going out to party with his "friends". No money transparency. Found a charge on his bank statement for proflowers rebate, but he tells me he looked for me for Valentines day then changed his mind. Then he took his password and put it away. when i accessed the site, as he did buy them for me in 2012, the history had been cleared. i couldnt find record of what he had bought for me even. I live in fear and know that i cannot live this way. i hate the thought that i will have to end it. He may love me, but not in the way i need. some honesty and no transparency is not enough for me. not after losing all i have lost. i wanted a better marriage. i find i really only have gained his company. i dont think his company is acceptable compensation for what he has stolen. I'm sorry for this vent. Just need validation. Thank you. oh, and he cant read a f***ing thing-makes him dizzy.

Titanium posted 5/6/2013 18:35 PM

I feel your pain and your anguish and frustrations as I feel the exact same way. No password changes but TT since jan 2012 which was DD. He said it was a fling that he didn't love her and that it was over. LIAR......it continued and I must mention that DD came for me when the OW rang to tell me of the affair and that she loved him and was going to fight me for him. I went into total soldier combat mode. No woman was going to deliver that filthy news to me and challenge me to my husband. So he said didn't love her it was over but it wasn't. I became hypervigilant and the best detective on earth as we all do when this trauma happens to us. I her phone number continually on the phone bill. Short story which is more than likely the same as your....LIES LIES LIES but I so desperately want my marriage to work. Don't know why. Last aug 2012 after months of me thinking I am insane and dealing with him everyday having to go to work where she was (total torture)he came home and said he didn't want to be married to me anymore. Had nothing to do with her...right! I packed his things put them outside. Wiped my hands of him. I tracked him via phone and he was with her. Sent a message telling him what I though and said goodbye. He came crawling back crying. Fessed all.... I believed him. Things were ok till Dec 12 I discover they had been messaging each other. Confronted him. Tells me a story. I believe (not sure why)probably like yourself you want your marriage to work. You love your husband and still find it hard to digest that they could possibly have become someone you simply do not know anymore. Scared to make the wrong decision. My husband is addicted to porn in every way possible. Scares me. We get past the dec thing. I asked him to to tell her that she must move on as he has with me. He refused saying that she won't be a problem anymore as she was angry and disappointed with him. I told him that she will not go away until she is told to go away. I asked him to block her number and block on facebook. Didn't happen. Didn't sit well with me as it did not show me that he was serious about our marriage. Again I was not strong enough to stand up and give him an ultimatum. One morning in February this year I got up and had a vibe to check his FB page. Guess what I found? He had sent her a message saying sorry it had taken him so long to respond and how was she doing. I flipped. Threw all his shit out the front door. Wormed his way back into my life with a "I love you. you are so deep in my heart".....I told him I was moving on. Not being in a marriage with a 3rd party blah blah blah.....he said he would send her a message and that he should have doe it a long time ago. I think they tell us what they think we want to hear in order to stay at home where it is comfortable and secure. They are manipulators. I am starting to see this or they would be fighting for us and out marriages but they are NOT! He sent her a message. He didn't look comfortable about it. He blocked FB then went to do his phone all the while asking me what he should say and how to do it.....he's a clever one when he lies and cheats. Downloads porn on his phone and the like but can't sort that crap out....laughable!! She quickly sent him a text message saying tell your wife I have moved on and wishes me all the happiness. What a nice person. She didn't believe it was my husband sending her that FB message. he has blocked her in his phone but her number is accessible. I HATE that!! I checked it recently and in early april she had tried to text message him. WHY! can she not read. We argued about it. he turned it on me saying I was accusing him. This wasn't about him. It's about me trying to trust again and feel safe and secure. I asked him to change his phone number so we never have to worry about her again and I can move on.....no blocking..nothing...Still hasn't changed it...Hmmmm!!! I am really starting to see that it's all about him as it seems to be with your husband. We so desperately want things to be better and they can be if our husbands truly love us and want the same thing. It's all about actions and how hard is it to show someone you truly love them and that you are sorry. This shouldn't be this hard. Deep in your heart you know what is happening and you know what you need to do for YOU.....he will not change. He is only looking after his selfish self. Stand up for yourself..be strong and do not let him dance on your nose anymore....give him an ultimatum but you have to be ready to follow it through. I don't thin I can ever trust my husband again and that kills me. We need to be brave and find courage. Love yourself. You are a beautiful person who does not deserve to be treated this way by someone who is suppose to love and protect you. Ask yourself how much longer can you live like this never knowing what he is doing with whom and then coming home and eating the food you cook for him and wearing the clothes you have washed for him.....has he bought you a bunch of flowers since DD?? I have yet to receive A gift of any kind. I believe my husband is a narcissist. There's no changing them. Have a read up on it and see if your husband is one. You will get more clarity. Believe that there is much better for you out there. I am building my courage too.
Take care :)

kiki1 posted 5/6/2013 18:44 PM

Thank you Titanium. Its painful to want something so badly and not be able to have it. Especially after putting in so many faithful years. And your so right, we cant change them, only ourselves. Either way, it will is going to be a hard road. Your a beautiful person too and i wish you much strength

housenotahome posted 5/6/2013 19:48 PM

I know it feels like you've wasted your time, but you never would have known the outcome otherwise. It was in you to try to give it another go so don't berate yourself or feel like a fool for that. None of us have a crystal ball and no one can predict the future.

He may love me, but not in the way i need. some honesty and no transparency is not enough for me. not after losing all i have lost. i wanted a better marriage. i find i really only have gained his company. i dont think his company is acceptable compensation for what he has stolen. I'm sorry for this vent. Just need validation.

Don't ever apologize for the way you feel, for your wants and needs. The things you've listed are not enough for most people, with the exception of the good M. One of many tricks to get through any transition(D or R) is to learn to enjoy your own company(180). Not an easy thing in our present situations. Eventually it will be possible. He is choosing to stay lost, not many people can work with that. Google Marc and Angel.

[This message edited by housenotahome at 7:50 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

NoraLee posted 5/6/2013 19:52 PM

Kiki, are you in IC? You deserve better and IC will help you sort out your codependency issues. Life is so short, and you deserve happiness.

My mom died when she was 37 after having breast cancer at 33. I learned early in my life that time can't be wasted. If H hadn't pulled up his boots immediately, I would've flown the coop. After 1 month of hell after Dday 1, in spite of a H that seemed completely remorseful, 12 hours after Dday 2 (when I learned he was still seeing her) I was done. Lucky for him - he knew I meant it - and still do. I'd be happier alone than as 3rd man out in my own marriage.

Try IC - for YOU not the M. You deserve happiness Kiki. IC might give you the strength you need to demand it and if that doesn't work - go searching for it.

You have been validated sister.

kiki1 posted 6/26/2013 08:41 AM

Thank you Nora and housenotahome for your kind responses. I didnt see them until now, but they are valuable to me for the insight and validation. Almost two months later and i feel the same way. it hasnt passed or gotten better. I am getting to be more sure that i dont think i even like him much anymore. It has taken so long to understand this. No, Nora, I"m not in ic, but am thinking i need it. I seem to have such awful luck with the counselors. Ive gone through 4 :) This is so sad.

featherweight posted 6/26/2013 09:00 AM

Kiki - I feel your pain. False R is really unfair. Like you, I've been through a few counselors (IC and MC) and not had a lot of luck. Seems like when I get strong the message is to leave him. When we go together we can't make progress. It was easier for me to have compassion for his side of things and make concessions than the opposite. Trying to hold a family together when one partner isn't willing to share the work is really tough.
What are you going to do now? D?

kiki1 posted 6/26/2013 09:16 AM

Hello Featherweight. I think for right now, I am going to save money, fake my way through each day. I'm going to start filling out divorce papers. There are only about 300 of them That should take me a bit. I just dont feel as if he has done all he should to set this right. It seems like the percentage of work i'm putting in is greater than his. He gets to just move on happily as long as i keep my mouth shut. Not the marriage i would like to have. i'm so tired of him being the one to call all the relationship shots. hello, there's two of us here, I'd like to matter. Blah. Just dont get it. Thank you Feather

sri624 posted 6/27/2013 02:08 AM

i feel your pain...omg...i really do...false r is really the worst. after learning that my husband cheated on me while i was pregnant....i took him back when i should not have. i was pathetic...desparate and willing to do whatever it took to save the marriage and keep him...no matter how badly he acted. he told me in a counseling session with our pastor that giving me access to his phone would be a dealbreaker for HIM. and i went along with it...after he was the one who cheated! i cringe whenever i think about that. i let him still go out, hang with his friends...you name it...just because i wanted to "keep my family together." 9 months later....at 4am, i discovered a dirty text to a woman he met on the internet. that day i also learned i was in false r the whole time...with a different woman. it was horrific...just plain horrific. so, yes i do feel your pain...and understand. i am so sorry that this has happend to you. and you know what? you do deserve better than being treated like this.

you know what i did? i got a really good ic. and some bitch boots. and i drew the line in the fucking sand. and had my r requirements caste in stone! i told him exactly what i needed from him, including access to not just his phone but the damn PHONE RECORDS. and you know what he did? he left me. so, i packed up all his stuff and put it outside. we separated for 3 months last summer....and yes he was seeing the ow during that time. i did a serious 180...and went on with my life. it was the hardest thing i had to do...but did it anyway! eventually, he agreed to everything i asked for...and now were are attempting a real r.

but i was prepared to leave his ass...for real when i put him out. and that is what you will have to be willing to do. you will need to 180 him hard, find your bitch boots, and let him go.

that is the only real shot you have at saving your m...if that is what you want in the end.

kiki1 posted 7/3/2013 10:00 AM

Good for you SRI!!!! Yes!!!

Thank you for such a great post

1Faith posted 7/3/2013 11:01 AM

Oh dear Kiki

No...no...no

You haven't wasted anything. You have tried and given it your all to try and forgive your husband and make your marriage work. That isn't a waste that is noble.

You cannot fix or change this man. He has some serious issues that are not yours to own.

This tells me I'm still unsatisfying...He tells me if I like, he'll put me in the pig category too.

Really, wow. How charming.

This has nothing to do with your being unsatisfying. This has everything to do with his inability to adhere to boundaries and commit himself to his marriage.

You have to love yourself more than the idea of loving and fixing your husband. You have to stand up and say no more. Here is what is acceptable and here is what is not.

You have to be firm in not wanting to live in limbo any longer.

His breaking NC is huge. You know this. What are you prepared to do about it for yourself?

He placed his desires and needs before yours again, time for you to do the same.

You are stronger than you think. You can do this. Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:05 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]