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What do I believe?

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Darragh posted 5/6/2013 17:09 PM


I found out last week that my husband has been having some kind of affair.

He can back from a night out and I needed to check what time he as flying the next day so I checked his email for the details and found a load of emails from a woman.

I was utterly shocked. I had no idea he was doing anything! I confronted him before I drove him to the airport but didn't speak about it in the car as I had our four children with us.

He is away on a two week business trip, and I've asked him to leave me alone until he returns, but he is emailing me daily, telling me he loves me, feels disgusted with himself etc.

He claims nothing physical happened, that he met her with a group of work colleagues and his friend gave her his business card and that's how is started. Thing is, I only have his word on this.

I did email her and she was unaware he was married, but flattered he would risk his marriage for her ?! He has cut all contact (I believe this as she ranted on twitter about being lied to!)

The emails don't refer to anything sexual, but he did ask on three occasions if they could arrange a date to meet up, he even offered to take her to Paris :( he says he never would have, he was just flattered by the attention.

I'm so angry and sad that he would risk throwing our relationship away on someone who meant nothing, it makes it worse somehow. He says he is insecure, and that he thinks I'm too good for him but I'm not sure if he is just trying to say the right thing. I'm not rushing into making any decision, but he comes back soon and I need to decide what I am going to say.

She is the complete opposite to me, I am small fair haired and she is tall, big boned but glamorous....I just feel like I wasn't enough.

Any advice please?

HeavyE posted 5/6/2013 20:53 PM

You believe what you have found. Whether he did or didn't go through with the deed, it doesn't matter. He still betrayed you.

flattered he would risk his marriage for her

Conceited much?

he says he never would have, he was just flattered by the attention.

Does he travel Internationally a lot? My doubts are if he could get away with it, there is some truth to him asking her to go with him.

I just feel like I wasn't enough

Eraase this thought. You are far better than she will ever be. Remember this isn't about you, it's about him. You are not at fault. The fault lies with him 100%.

Regarding the friend giving the business card, it probably is true. If that is the case, he was the one that was seeking her out. All the more reason to be concerned.

I don't have all the answers but in the next few days take the time to figure out what you want and need.

A couple of things:

- No Contact.

- Full disclosure.

- Transparency. Full access to all means of communication including e-mail, text messages, phone call history

- Remorse

Take care of yourself. Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Drink plenty of water. Play with your children.

haleyscomet posted 5/6/2013 21:31 PM

Mine only ever admitted to what I found out. I left him when the only thing I knew about was text messages. He swore that that was all there was to it and that he had stopped the texts.

He said THE SAME THING - how she/her attention made him feel good/flattered.


I went back home and discovered that not only had he not stopped texting her but that he had freely been communicating with her by phone calls the whole time I was gone.


Beware. Mine never admitted to anything beyond the texts/phone calls...
but to throw me a 'bone' so to speak confessed much like yours that he made her believe he would have a rondezvous - but that he never did.


And yes we all understand how they make us feel like we were somehow lacking -- IMO they (cheaters) are selfish and greedy -- just thinking of their own self and wanting more, no matter how good they have it at home.

Don't put yourself down. He f*cked up - nothing wrong with you.

I left mine again 2 months ago. Never had anything beyond the texts and phone calls confirmed. Didn't matter to me -- he kept in touch with her even though I had already left him once over the text messages... If she 'meant nothing' to him, then I meant less than nothing.

Watch him like a hawk.

Darragh posted 5/7/2013 03:08 AM

So last night he sent me a loooong email, apologising again, offering full disclosure on everything, going to counselling, giving me his phone and credit card statements so I can see he has nothing to hide.

He really seems remorseful, but I think my coldness towards him has maybe shocked him into realising how serious this is.

I have the OW email and phone number, should I contact her again and ask for get side of events? My worry is that she will be biased because she seemed really keen on him.

I just feel physically sick. I checked the times he mailed her and on occasion we were sat next to each other.

He does travel occasionally with his work, but he also works from home. He has just had three weeks at home before traveling for two weeks.

I can't eat, I can't sleep and I'm waking around like a zombie. My gut tells me there is more than I know but how do I prove it? It's driving me mad!

We've been married for 15 years this year, and yes we have had our ups and downs but overall we were a pretty strong couple. We had an active sex life, and I thought we loved each other. He says he still does, but I struggle to believe it. I do believe he is remorseful but I'm not sure if he is remorseful for what he thinks he has lost (a home, family etc) or for hurting me.

As an added bonus, five months ago we moved 600 miles away from my family to live near his, so now I have the joy of being surrounded by my inlaws in a really tiny town. They don't know yet, but I know that they will put pressure on us to stay together.

He wants to take me away to talk, as it is nearly impossible at home, my 12 yr old daughter knows something is up, she just doesn't know quite what.

My parents divorced after my mum left my dad for another man. She left me an my sister with our alcoholic father and set up a new life, she is still with the man and they've been together now for 25 years. I have worked hard to forgive my parents for their mistakes (it was the worst kind of break up with lots of screaming and shouting) I think that's why I'm determined to hold it together during daytime hours for the sake of my kids. It hurts all the more because my husband knew this, he saw how my parents actions had messed me up.

I just don't know what to do. I've sent him a message to reassure him I'm ok. He was going out of his mind with worry, and he has a transatlantic journey home, so he needs to concentrate on his work and getting back safely.

I feel like I have this window of time before he gets back to work out what I want to say, but every time I try to write it out, there are no words.

Thanks for your replies. Although its sad that a place like this even has to exist, I'm glad I found it.

naivegirl posted 5/7/2013 05:32 AM

You don't have to know what you want when he gets home. Don't put pressure on yourself to decide anything. Take care of yourself and trust your gut.I wouldn't call her but I would investigate more. Go through ohone records or receipts. Most of all eat, sleep and be good to yourself.

Skan posted 5/7/2013 12:33 PM

Hey there. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you've been REALLY strong so far. Many people make the mistake that they have to be nice, bend over backwards, and not put pressure on their WHs for fear that they will leave them.

An utterly wrong feeling, because the WH has already left them. Thier body may be present, but everything else inside of them is gone, fled, deserted the ship.

You, have been strong. You initiated NC and are showing him exactly what and who he left. You have him on the run and shocked hopefully, back into reality. Very Good Job.

In a way, him being gone is somewhat of a backhanded blessing. You have the time to think about what you can and cannot tolerate without him distracting you with his behaviors. Some minimums of actions:

- A NC letter to be sent to the OW that is OK'd by you. This should be short and to the point. "OW, I love my wife and family. I don't love you. Do not ever contact me again. BH" No wiggle room, no apologies, just the basic facts.

- Every electronic device that he has, every bank account, anything with a password, you have complete access to. All passwords. Access any time you care to look.

- Complete disclosure of everthing that happened in the A, followed by a detailed timeline of the A.

Those are the bare minimums. You may also want to stipulate IC and/or MC, or any other thing that is an absolute dealbreaker for you. Frankly, I would also consult with a lawyer to find out exactly what your rights are. Knowledge is power. You don't have to do anything with that knowledge right now, but WHs who find out that their BWs have set specific steps in motion "in case," generally come out of the land of fantasy with a crash. The stronger you are, or appear to be, the better. You want an ice-cold bucket-o-reality to be thrown in your WHs face.

(((hugs))) Come back often for support or to vent. We're all here for you.

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