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I think I want to pout. Actually what I want to do is get all loud and snarky and put a couple of "fuck you" posts on facebook. I am really feeling like the high road is kinda like pretending to be invisible.

I KNOW this is mostly likely because it is my antiversary season. Screw Cinco de Mayo and Mother's Day and my birthday. I KNOW work stress with the ever lovin' standardized testing season is not helping. And damned if it isn't raining enough to call out the Ark builders.

I am cranky. Pure and simple. I disguised it (not very well obviously) with some obnoxious snark in a testing training meeting this afternoon. I say not well because the (good natured??) comments from my colleagues... after they were out the door... were Ms. CG is in a mood today. And "she must be PMSing." To which I loudly assured them I WAS NOT.

I am tired of seeing Super Coach at the field masquerading as a normal guy. I am tired of hearing his fakey fake stupid voice on the speaker phone telling stupid stupid versions of "my day was great!" I am tired of co-parenting with a fucking muppet.

I don't REALLY have anything to complain about and that makes me feel guilty for whining. I HAD a much harder time before things settled out, before I got mostly indifferent, before the court battles ended and the financial woes and the moving and the finding a job... BUT I REMEMBER those worse times and they WERE HIS FAULT and they never fucking should have happened so I would have them to remember.......

Yeah, whimpering whiny pout. I think maybe someone here will get it and pat me on my pointed head.

AND because I am SURE a wonderful NB guy and lots of off the bus ... "exercise" would improve my spirits, let me whine about that too. NB guy just does not communicate. My friend says he is just too introverted for me. Because ..... um ..... I like to TALK. More than once a week. And having texts IGNORED is so not helping my mood.

DEEP sighs.

I want my optimism back. I want to put my focus back on the positives and not feel every ache and hurt and panic. I want the seconds on the clock not to feel like they tick by in slow motion to the sound of nails on chalkboard.

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 6:50 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

((caregiver)

Hang in there. We all have days like that. Sometimes you just need to let it out. Let yourself feel bad, get angry and feel all the emotion you're entitled to. And then release it :) Go for a run, or make some plans this weekend to give you something to look forward to. Tomorrow is another day! But don't feel guilty for feeling and acknowledging these emotions - it's normal. And this too, shall pass.

((((cg)))) Better days ahead, honey.

(((cg)))

antiversary seasons suck.

taking the high road sucks, sometimes.

having a place you can come to vent, whine, rant, and post all your "FTG" thoughts so they're not on facebook - not so sucky.

Yeah...totally get where you are.

I think today that I recognize I'm triggering over Mother's Day.

Then I feel guilty. I have great kids. My Mom is still alive and I have plans for the day.

But, dammit...I *miss* being spoiled on that day. I miss the years of huge deals being made on Mother's Day, fancy brunch somewhere, my kids all dressed up, gifts, a day just to me.

I have so much to be thankful for, I feel guilty for missing those days. THEN I think about Father's Day being right around the corner. Last year, STBX couldn't be bothered to show for Father's Day...so it wasn't so bad. This year he says he wants them, and my Dad has passed...so I will probably be alone on Father's Day.

It's my D-day season too. OH, and STBX is getting to celebrate graduating with his PhD this weekend. I supported him through college, his Masters, all the sacrificing and moving and starting his doctorate....blah, blah, blah...

I'm feeling whiny too.

I KNOW I'm triggering and just trying to keep focusing on what I have that is so good in my life.

I've been "weaning off" my IC and haven't gone in 6 weeks, I called and made an appointment for later this week to check in.

((care)))