What have you done for yourself? Did you ever seek individual or marriage counseling?
Just a few things to think about. Although believe me, I understand how much it all still sucks, though. No matter how you look at it.
But the real question is-- what has he done to understand why he felt it was OK to deceive you and use your trust against you, devalue/disrespect you and your relationship..? What has he done to prove that he's learned from his stupid mistake and won't do it again? Try to earn your trust back, etc..? Did you guys establish a solid NC w/ the parasite & get some closure? And are you sure you have everything.? Maybe there's some more crap he needs to come out with, & that's part of what is still bothering you. 9 1/2 yrs is a long time... I would keep digging. Make sure he's got it all on the table. Sometimes when you find one late in the game, it turns out it's not the first....
So no, I don't think the pain goes away but it may not be as intense or crippling eventually and you can learn to set it aside to some degree. That is IF your partner has truly made the real changes. Here's a practical suggestion: focus on trips w/ your H- long ones, weekend or day trips- try to avoid triggery places or things if possible. Sometimes getting away (as a couple) from your familiar environment & all the reminders.. and focusing on forming new happy memories, can help you lessen the pull of the bad ones. And give you a break from all the crap, for a while.
will these feelings and thoughts go away... will the pain ever stop? Any suggestions on how to do better with this?
I wish I knew the answer to that one. Of course, I am still pretty new to all this. I was bad for a week, had a few eh days, bad for almost a week, more eh days, then a decent 1/2 day and then back into the breach with just bad, BAD days. Bad day right now, but not as bad as yesterday.
As one newb to another, go check out the Healing Library in the yellow box, upper left hand corner of the web page. There are a LOT of great articles to get you started.
Also, just because you read it... does not mean you do not need to read it again. Emotions are hot, you can't breath, you can't sleep, you can't think... going back over the article a second or third time after a few weeks may shed some additional insight (I know it did with me).
I can't offer any magic pills to ease the pain or no words to simply make this better. I can offer a virtual hug if you like ((HUG)) and know that others are out there, slogging through the trenches with you.
I know you have invested a lot of time and emotions, but what will happen when you are really married and real problems with kids, bills, etc etc hit him. Will he do this again? It will be hard not to hold resentment that he did this to you at a time that is supposed to be the most special time for you as his bride.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope your family is helping you through it no matter what you choose to do.
When does the pain end? I am still waiting. It is 8 mos from d day and it is getting a little better. Up until yesterday I wanted to puke 24 hours a day. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Yesterday was the first day that went away. I still have not gone a single day without thinking about it. I still have nightmares. I don't know the answer to when it goes away. I hope soon, but I doubt it.
[This message edited by lilflower1000 at 2:21 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]