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when does the pain go away

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stillangry2yrs posted 5/6/2013 19:47 PM

I found out my fiance of nine and a half years had a secret relationship while he was traveling for work. They lived together ate together went on dates and slept together. This went on for about eight months. He is the one that told me and said the usual that he was sorry and it would not happen again. The catch to it all is this came out five weeks before our wedding, which thru much soul searching decided to go thru with. Its been almost two years since this all happened and the pain is still there...I still think about the things that he told me, though it is becoming less and less. But my question is will these feelings and thoughts go away... will the pain ever stop? Any suggestions on how to do better with this?

HeavyE posted 5/6/2013 20:37 PM

One of the pieces of advice on this site is it takes any where from 2 to 5 years to heal from the betrayal of infidelity.

What have you done for yourself? Did you ever seek individual or marriage counseling?

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/6/2013 20:45 PM

hi still angry. sorry for your pain! Something similar happened to me many years ago too. Do you think you are hurt about what happened or are you more scared it might happen again. Do you ever talk about your feelings with your husband. I agree with other poster, that you might find relief and clarity if you find a GOOD therapist/counselor. Probaby don't pick the first one you find unless you feel the connection is good. Keep looking ... if this is still bothering you 2 years out you owe it to YOURSELF to explore your feelings and find peace! xoxo

LifeIsBroken posted 5/6/2013 21:00 PM

I don't know that it ever goes away. It might ease up some as the years pass but the reality of it will be with me the rest of my life.

cosmicjoke posted 5/7/2013 00:36 AM

Well, it's hard for it to go away when you're looking in the face of the person who did this to you- every single freaking day. It's not like you got to break up with a bad boyfriend and started replacing those bad memories with more positive experiences. You're reminded of it all constantly.
So I hope he realizes he's beyond lucky you gave him another chance and married him anyway.
Here's a question- Did you both want to get married 100%..? And after the horrible truth came out (kudos to him for at least telling you instead of hiding it and letting you find out 10+ years down the road, the hard way... although it sucks that it had to be pre-wedding.. since that's supposed to be a happy occasion.. but which time is better to hear this kind of crap.? pre-wedding? post-wedding..? fuck, how about NEVER..?? Because-- here's a novel idea: how about, DON'T DO IT in the first place..!!)
Excuse me.. anyway...
After he decided to be honest about his shitty behavior, did you still want to get married for all the original reasons or did you feel as if you had come too far & invested too much that you couldn't back out..? This must have been terribly conflicting. There's no real easy answer to that one. Either way, you have every reason to still be angry. But I guess the good thing is- he came clean beforehand- to give you the opportunity to make a fully informed choice. If he HADN'T told you the truth, and you went into the marriage blindfolded, he would have denied you that. Then- (even worse-) he may have felt proud of himself for getting away with it, and it would've been too tempting to do it again, and again- until it became a lifestyle. Next thing you know, it's 10 or more years later, you've been trying to figure out why your H has been so moody and distant and why your rela is so troubled and no matter what you do, you can't seem to fix it or get him to try. And as we all know, some men (sorry,..*people*)- become more & more abusive as they work harder to cover up their lies & sick behavior. THIS is what can happen if a cheater is not exposed and stopped (by themselves or someone else) before you get in too deep. So at least in your situation, he told you himself- so he must have
some kind of conscience on some level (at least after the mistake, since he didn't have it before). Because he respected you enough to do that.

Just a few things to think about. Although believe me, I understand how much it all still sucks, though. No matter how you look at it.

But the real question is-- what has he done to understand why he felt it was OK to deceive you and use your trust against you, devalue/disrespect you and your relationship..? What has he done to prove that he's learned from his stupid mistake and won't do it again? Try to earn your trust back, etc..? Did you guys establish a solid NC w/ the parasite & get some closure? And are you sure you have everything.? Maybe there's some more crap he needs to come out with, & that's part of what is still bothering you. 9 1/2 yrs is a long time... I would keep digging. Make sure he's got it all on the table. Sometimes when you find one late in the game, it turns out it's not the first....

So no, I don't think the pain goes away but it may not be as intense or crippling eventually and you can learn to set it aside to some degree. That is IF your partner has truly made the real changes. Here's a practical suggestion: focus on trips w/ your H- long ones, weekend or day trips- try to avoid triggery places or things if possible. Sometimes getting away (as a couple) from your familiar environment & all the reminders.. and focusing on forming new happy memories, can help you lessen the pull of the bad ones. And give you a break from all the crap, for a while.

stillangry2yrs posted 5/8/2013 09:24 AM

Thank you all for your replys. It is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. In the beginning I had no idea how I was gonna get out of bed or take breaths everyday but that part is going away. It is so hard not to have anyone to talk too because no one can help you if they have no idea what you have been thru. Thankfully noone I know has been thru this.

cosmicjoke posted 5/8/2013 12:22 PM

No one you know has been through this.... THAT YOU KNOW OF. If you haven't talked about it with anyone, how do you know? You might be surprised... A lot of people smile and act like everything is great but have been through their own secret hell.. they just feel embarrassed or haven't shared it with anyone (or, not with everyone).

stillangry2yrs posted 5/8/2013 13:57 PM

I have talked go people mainly my parents and sister. They had their own opinions but supported me thru any and every decision I made. I do know people who have gone thru cheating but their attitude is throw it away. Once a cheater always a cheater and when you are trying to make everything work and in the beginning when every step I took or every breath I took was painful that is not what I need to hear. I know I made the decision to stay and get married...which yes I did for all the right reasons but that doesn't make it any easier. And though I have never regretted my decision I am now starting to finally realize that this is never gonna go away...I will always carry a piece of it with me. Now to learn how to cope with that realization.

OneFootForward posted 5/8/2013 14:11 PM

will these feelings and thoughts go away... will the pain ever stop? Any suggestions on how to do better with this?

I wish I knew the answer to that one. Of course, I am still pretty new to all this. I was bad for a week, had a few eh days, bad for almost a week, more eh days, then a decent 1/2 day and then back into the breach with just bad, BAD days. Bad day right now, but not as bad as yesterday.

As one newb to another, go check out the Healing Library in the yellow box, upper left hand corner of the web page. There are a LOT of great articles to get you started.

Also, just because you read it... does not mean you do not need to read it again. Emotions are hot, you can't breath, you can't sleep, you can't think... going back over the article a second or third time after a few weeks may shed some additional insight (I know it did with me).

I can't offer any magic pills to ease the pain or no words to simply make this better. I can offer a virtual hug if you like ((HUG)) and know that others are out there, slogging through the trenches with you.

lilflower1000 posted 5/8/2013 14:19 PM

Honestly, I would break it off if there are no kids involved. At minimum I think you should postpone the wedding. ((hugs)
I know the pain. I really do. I laid in bed with my 11 year old trying to comfort me when it happened to me. No matter how much I tried to hide it, he knew what was up. I am making it work with my husband because we have 6 kids. I do love him with all of my heart, but I certainly would have left if I did not have the kids to think about. I did not want to send them off to be with him and his sperm receptacle every other weekend.

I know you have invested a lot of time and emotions, but what will happen when you are really married and real problems with kids, bills, etc etc hit him. Will he do this again? It will be hard not to hold resentment that he did this to you at a time that is supposed to be the most special time for you as his bride.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope your family is helping you through it no matter what you choose to do.
When does the pain end? I am still waiting. It is 8 mos from d day and it is getting a little better. Up until yesterday I wanted to puke 24 hours a day. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Yesterday was the first day that went away. I still have not gone a single day without thinking about it. I still have nightmares. I don't know the answer to when it goes away. I hope soon, but I doubt it.

[This message edited by lilflower1000 at 2:21 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

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