Well, it's hard for it to go away when you're looking in the face of the person who did this to you- every single freaking day. It's not like you got to break up with a bad boyfriend and started replacing those bad memories with more positive experiences. You're reminded of it all constantly.
So I hope he realizes he's beyond lucky you gave him another chance and married him anyway.
Here's a question- Did you both want to get married 100%..? And after the horrible truth came out (kudos to him for at least telling you instead of hiding it and letting you find out 10+ years down the road, the hard way... although it sucks that it had to be pre-wedding.. since that's supposed to be a happy occasion.. but which time is better to hear this kind of crap.? pre-wedding? post-wedding..? fuck, how about NEVER..?? Because-- here's a novel idea: how about, DON'T DO IT in the first place..!!)
Excuse me.. anyway...
After he decided to be honest about his shitty behavior, did you still want to get married for all the original reasons or did you feel as if you had come too far & invested too much that you couldn't back out..? This must have been terribly conflicting. There's no real easy answer to that one. Either way, you have every reason to still be angry. But I guess the good thing is- he came clean beforehand- to give you the opportunity to make a fully informed choice. If he HADN'T told you the truth, and you went into the marriage blindfolded, he would have denied you that. Then- (even worse-) he may have felt proud of himself for getting away with it, and it would've been too tempting to do it again, and again- until it became a lifestyle. Next thing you know, it's 10 or more years later, you've been trying to figure out why your H has been so moody and distant and why your rela is so troubled and no matter what you do, you can't seem to fix it or get him to try. And as we all know, some men (sorry,..*people*)- become more & more abusive as they work harder to cover up their lies & sick behavior. THIS is what can happen if a cheater is not exposed and stopped (by themselves or someone else) before you get in too deep. So at least in your situation, he told you himself- so he must have
kind of conscience on some level (at least after the mistake, since he didn't have it before). Because he respected you enough to do that.
Just a few things to think about. Although believe me, I understand how much it all still sucks, though. No matter how you look at it.
But the real question is-- what has he done to understand why he felt it was OK to deceive you and use your trust against you, devalue/disrespect you and your relationship..? What has he done to prove that he's learned from his stupid mistake and won't do it again? Try to earn your trust back, etc..? Did you guys establish a solid NC w/ the parasite & get some closure? And are you sure you have everything.? Maybe there's some more crap he needs to come out with, & that's part of what is still bothering you. 9 1/2 yrs is a long time... I would keep digging. Make sure he's got it all on the table. Sometimes when you find one late in the game, it turns out it's not the first....
So no, I don't think the pain goes away but it may not be as intense or crippling eventually and you can learn to set it aside to some degree. That is IF your partner has truly made the real changes. Here's a practical suggestion: focus on trips w/ your H- long ones, weekend or day trips- try to avoid triggery places or things if possible. Sometimes getting away (as a couple) from your familiar environment & all the reminders.. and focusing on forming new happy memories, can help you lessen the pull of the bad ones. And give you a break from all the crap, for a while.