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luckyllama posted 5/6/2013 20:06 PM

I've been married for over 15 years and about two years ago I started having an affair with a guy I met online. We live in different states but he'd travel to where I live in order to see me.

I've ended things with him so many times but it never really stuck. I recently told him that I can't keep doing this because the guilt is killing me. I haven't had any contact with him for over a week but I miss him.

I miss having a friend to talk to everyday. My husband is a wonderful man but he would rather watch TV than talk to me. It wasn't a problem in the past because I had small children to take care of. Now that they are older, I'm feeling alone.

I know I did the right thing by ending the affair but I still feel alone and I still miss the other guy.

My husband has no idea about the affair. I'm 100% certain of that. I have no plans of telling him either. It would kill him to know the truth.

I think this time the other guy and I are both determined to stay away from each other. Instead of calling him and telling him I miss him, I'm "confessing" here. I have no one else I can tell.

[This message edited by luckyllama at 8:06 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

luckyllama posted 5/6/2013 20:08 PM

I didn't remember to un-check the stop thingy and I don't know how to go back and do that, but I don't care who responds.

Aubrie posted 5/6/2013 20:24 PM

Welcome to SI luckyllama.

So you've "broken-up" with your OM a billion times and always gotten back together. What's going to make it stick this time? What's stopping you from contacting him again?

And your husband doesn't know. What happens when your OM gets pissed because you turned him down and he tells your husband? Or he confesses to his wife and she calls your husband?

I will tell you that I think you are very wrong to not tell your husband. I am a FWS that confessed my affair. Hardest thing in the world to do. But it was the right thing to do. Why? Because my husband had a right to know what he was married to, what I had done, and to make the choice to stay with or leave me.

While you're hanging out here, please check out the Healing Library. Lots of good info in there.

Deeply Scared posted 5/6/2013 20:32 PM


We're going to leave the stop sign on and this thread closed off to WS's's best for now.

floridaredman posted 5/6/2013 20:39 PM

confessing here is helpful to a point. But it won't necessarily keep you accountable and away from the OM.
Want to know what will?

Confessing to your BH..until you do, there is nothing really stopping you from going back again to the OM.
What happens when your will-power runs out again as it has many times before?You are just one keystroke or one text or phone call from contacting him. How is that fair to your BH?

How is that fair to your marriage?
Just because your Bh doesn't pay you enough attention is no reason or excuse to cheat on him.
It's reason for counseling, but what you have done now is compound the problems you were having.

You think you can live the rest of your life with this as a secret?
You could, but eventually the guilt would consume you. Either health wise or mentally wise.
You won't ever be happy with yourself because this dark secret will always be there.
Every kind gesture by your husband will make the guilt grow. It should unless you are a sociopath.

The best way to cure this is with honesty, transparency and no contact.

luckyllama posted 5/6/2013 21:37 PM

Aubrie84: I don't know what's going to make it stick this time. In the past, I've called to check on him to make sure he was doing okay. This time, I told him I was not going to do that...and I haven't. I deleted all the old emails, pictures, etc.

He's not married so there is no wife to call my husband. I don't think he's pissed; probably sad and hurt. He has no way of contacting my husband.

I posted this knowing that I would be told that I should tell my husband. I'm just not there yet. The other guy would marry me in a minute. If I told my husband, and things didn't go well, I'd have an easy out...and I don't think that's right.

I will look at the Healing Library. Thank you for the suggestion.

floridaredman: It's helpful to me because I have no one else to talk to. I've only told one person about this and he told me, "It's okay, everyone cheats." Not really what I wanted or needed to hear.

There is no valid reason to cheat. I wasn't trying to justify my actions just trying to give insight as to why I did.

I'm confident that if I told my husband, he would not leave me. But he would be very hurt and he doesn't deserve the pain. The guilt may consume me but I deserve it.

Aubrie posted 5/6/2013 21:53 PM

Sounds like you've got a nice, neat little package deal then eh? You don't have to worry about anybody snitching on you. You can just pretend this never happened.

Till time passes, the guilt wanes, and you get sick of your husband ignoring and not talking to you. How will you handle that? Will you pick up the phone and chit-chat with OM? Will you find a new OM? What do you plan on doing when the void is screaming at you?

You said that you're not going to tell your BS. You're not there yet. Ok fine. But know this...

I'm confident that if I told my husband, he would not leave me. But he would be very hurt and he doesn't deserve the pain.
He doesn't deserve your lying, manipulating, and cheating either. He doesn't deserve to be unknowingly exposed to STDs.

Stick around.

She-Ra posted 5/6/2013 22:13 PM

Hi lucky llama

I see you have been welcomed to SI. Glad you have decided to join us here for support. I'm yet another person who will suggest that you will need to confess. I came here in July with no intentions on confessing and thought it was crazy talk. Well I have learned a lot here and wrote a post on my thoughts on confessing. Rather than write you the song and dance here, I bumped my older thread and hope you have the time to take a read.

You know keeping this a secret would eat you alive... Whether you like it or not, it is the healthiest step you can take to regaining your life and living honestly with your husband.

We are here for you. Put on your thick skin here and learn as much as you can. Good luck

knightsbff posted 5/6/2013 22:33 PM

Hi ll,

I was a lurker on here before I gathered the courage to confess to my BH. It's scary and it's gut wrenching.

But he would be very hurt and he doesn't deserve the pain. The guilt may consume me but I deserve it.

He's already hurt, he just doesn't see what's causing it yet. The damage has been done. Give him (and you) what he (and you) needs to heal.

You're here because you want to be an honest person. You can get that back. You can get through this. That first step is a doozie, but we are here to help you through it.

You can do it.

luckyllama posted 5/6/2013 23:16 PM

Thank you for the welcomes. I'm a big girl and I can handle whatever anyone here has to say.

My nice little "package deal" was having my husband who is a good friend and roommate and my other guy who was attentive and affectionate. I didn't get caught and I wasn't given an ultimatum. I decided on my own that this needs to stop. I know that I need to put the effort into my marriage. I am trying.

I'm taking this one day at a time. Today I was missing the other guy and this forum has helped me refocus my energies. In time, it may help me confess.

knightsbff posted 5/6/2013 23:26 PM

I bumped Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide for you.

Trying33 posted 5/6/2013 23:32 PM

Having been where you are I can tell you something that may help. My M had no hope in ever working out while AP was still in it. It's a cliche but there cannot be 3 people in a marriage.

Now that you've initiated NC with your AP you have the headspace to deal with your M. You now HAVE to face the craziness of your M and have no-one to run to for comfort, adoration or attention.

My spin for you right now is different. I think the confession will come in time but for now you must also focus energies on how to maintain NC as this is imperative.

What are your coping strategies? How will you control the urges to communicate? Have you understood having pangs of longing is part of withdrawal? Have you read about the "fog".

I'm 3 and half months NC. First few months I was still checking for him online, reading his status', wondering about what he'd be doing right now, reading old emails etc. Until someone on SI pointed out that's not NC. I deleted everything and have not checked since that post. Have a strategy plan on how you're ging to cope with the withdrawal of AP.

This site is helpful. people want to help and support.

luckyllama posted 5/6/2013 23:43 PM

Thank you for bumping the threads. I'm reading them.

Trying33: You get it! That's exactly where I am. In the past, I would read the old emails and IMs, so the first thing I did when I told him I couldn't continue is delete them. So far, my coping mechanism has been to come here and read threads.

I'm also trying to engage my husband and get him away from the TV. It worked tonight.

longroadhome posted 5/7/2013 00:54 AM


Here's the're a liar. You are keeping a huge secret from the one person with whom you should have no secrets. You are treating your husband like a stranger by withholding something BIG from him. Something that has a profound influence on his life. You are lying about who you are. You're choosing to continue to act without integrity because...why? It would hurt him to tell him? Yes it will, but it will also put him back on a level playing field in the marriage. He will have the information he needs to decide how to live his life. Its the fair thing to do. Its the right thing to do.

I'm betting the real reason is fear. You say you're sure he won't leave you. Good for you. Maybe that's the case, but are you ready and able to bear witness to the pain you created? I can promise that if you love him, that will be the hardest thing you ever do. Are you ready to dig in and figure out what inside you allowed you to cheat? Are you ready to relearn how to cope, to turn toward your husband in times of crisis, even when he's pushing you away because of the pain you caused? Are you ready to face his anger with humility and his deep sadness with empathy? Can you even begin to understand the damage you've done? Are you ready to face the fact that you've changed him forever?

That's what you face when you do the right thing and tell him. Otherwise, you continue to lie, to be inauthentic and be prepared to repeat the pattern. If you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same result. Expecting anything else is foolish.

I did not confess. I was discovered. I will always regret that I didn't have the balls to confess when I had the chance. Confessing will give you a big head start on rebuilding trust. Your H deserves to know who you are and you deserve the chance to become who you want to be. If who you want to be is a true partner and an authentic person, do the right thing, starting now and keep doing it every day moving forward.

Healing from an A is a long road, and the journey doesn't start until your H has the information you've been keeping from him.

Enough excuses. Respect you H enough to give him the truth. All of it.

starrysky posted 5/7/2013 01:37 AM

Hi luckyllama...welcome to SI.

I'm 8 years out now from DDay and have reconciled my marriage beautifully. How did I do that? I confessed my affair to my husband. At the time I confessed, I had been in the affair for 5 months, the guilt was eating me alive & I blurted out "I think I'm in love with someone else" while extremely drunk one night. Still makes my stomach turn to think about it. Even after I confessed, I didn't end the affair for another 5 1/2 months, which again, makes me sick to my stomach. At any rate, once I went completely no contact, started working on my why's, began to dig husband said this to me "Just so you know, if you had not confessed and I had found out on my own, I would have divorced you immediately." I'm certainly not speaking for any or all BS', but for my H, the continuing lies & secrets would have destroyed our marriage, not solely the act of infidelity.

You mentioned that there's no way your H will find out, there's no wife or girlfriend on the other end to rat you out nor do you think your OM will spill the beans, but can you bet your marriage on that? Do you want to bet your marriage on that? There are a million and one ways your H can catch you, even if you think you've covered every base that can possibly be covered. A keylogger on your computer, getting cell phone records, putting a voice activated recorder in your home/car...the list goes on and on. Take it from me and all of the other incredibly wise folks here, TELL HIM. It's scary. You'll want to vomit. You'll feel like you're being sucked into a black hole. IS the right thing to do, whether you're "ready" or not. Even if your H doesn't find out right now or anytime in the near future, it COULD happen years & years down the road & your H will think to himself "The past 15 years of my life, MY MARRIAGE, have been a complete lie".

Also, you've stated that you've tried, unsuccessfully, to permanently end contact with OM; that it's something you struggle with, telling your H will help eliminate this as you will be held accountable. Help yourself, help your H...please consider telling him..and soon!

Keep posting..the 2 x 4's hurt like hell but they come from those of us who have been there and we truly do care. Good luck!

luckyllama posted 5/7/2013 11:49 AM

starrysky: Thank you for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate it and so far nothing has felt like a 2x4. To me, the responses are food for thought.

The other guy is a dear friend whom I really care about. For the last year I've been trying to get the strength to end things. I'd do it but then because I care, I'd start wondering if he was doing okay. I was sad that I was hurting him but I realized that I am doing more damage by not letting him go (not to mention what I was doing to my marriage).

I think I need to do things in stages and right now I am in the stage where I need to let this friendship die.

My husband is a quiet person and he does not communicate well. If I were to tell him, I think he would shut down completely as he tried to process everything. I think that would intensify the feeling of loneliness for me and I would be more likely to run back to the other guy. If that friendship is dead, I won't have that temptation. I need to be completely over him so I can be strong and do the right thing. That's why I say I am trying...

Before, when I started to wonder what he was doing, what he was thinking, if he's mad, if he's hurt, what he thinks of me, etc., I'd get weak and call. I didn't want him to think badly of me and think I didn't care about him. I still have those thoughts but I am being more rational. Of course he is sad and is hurting but this is what is best for both of us. He may be mad but deep down, I'm sure he knows I care even if I don't call. Whether or not he thinks badly of me, is not important. I can't worry about that.

So right now, reading threads here helps me keep my focus on doing what I know is the right thing: no contact.

After I make it through this stage, I can move onto the next one.

[This message edited by luckyllama at 11:50 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

knightsbff posted 5/7/2013 12:28 PM

I think there's something to be said for getting yourself through withdrawal without your BH having to witness it.

MissesJai posted 5/7/2013 12:52 PM

Ok, I just need to address the "friend" thing. This guy is NOT your friend. Real friends don't aid in the disrespect of your H and destruction of your marriage. Real friends don't encourage you to lie, cheat, and deceive your spouse. Real friends will tell you to take your ass home, shut off the TV and do every single thing you can to make your marriage work. Your OM did none of these things. You must let go of the notion that this guy was your friend. He was not. He does not have your best interests at heart. He is selfish and wants what he wants. He was and is an opportunist.

SandAway posted 5/7/2013 13:49 PM

Amen to what MissesJai said!!!

There is nothing that is keeping you from contacting him again - you even said you always caved in. What is to stop you now? Your conscience?? Didn't work any other time. As time passes, you will become more depressed and as Aubrie said, you will probably contact the OM or start a new 'friendship'. Your BH has NO IDEA how unhappy you are so he probably won't change much.

If I were to tell him, I think he would shut down completely as he tried to process everything. I think that would intensify the feeling of loneliness for me and I would be more likely to run back to the other guy.

You have no idea how he would react. Yes, he would be devastated, I can guarantee that. His world would cease to exist. He may want to R and he may not, that is his choice. Let HIM make it. And as for the OM, you really think you would run into his arms if your BH shut down? Really? You wouldn't be there for him?

Have you sent an NC letter? If not, you need to. Today. Make it short and to the point - NOTHING sweet. This should help you also knowing you can't break NC.

As your reading here on SI, be sure and read the Just Found Out forum as well as the Betrayed Men down in the I Can Relate forum.

floridaredman posted 5/7/2013 13:53 PM

If that friendship is dead, I won't have that temptation.

This is delusion. What if only you thought the friendship was dead and the moment you reach out to see how your "friend" is doing", he reels you back in?
He is obviously still emotionally invested in you since he could not stop this himself and neither can you in the grand scheme of things.

You are still in wayward thinking, dry adultery as uncertainone (a member) calls it.
MissesJai is right..this is no friend.
A friend wouldn't help you do things to destroy your marriage. A friend would make you talk to your husband instead of having sex with him and getting emotionally invested in him.

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