This thought suddenly hits me, and I start feeling a little sorry for waffle. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed socially. I mean, I love my kids to the ends of the earth, but that doesn't come from nowhere. About a month or two ago, he had been dumped (allegedly) by MOW. The timing roughly coincided with him finding out he was losing his job. He ultimately does lose the job and is a floor nurse for a couple of weeks. He does have a nursing masters and is soon able to find a nurse educator job so is bumped back up the pay scale. Suddenly, MOW is back. Could that be any more transparent? Waffle doesn't seem to notice.
One thing that irritates the crap out of me is that he's always said that MOW "treats him with respect". He always felt I didn't respect him. Maybe in part it was my fault as a pre- A M issue, because I have a "talent" for the verbal put-down that an (at the time) untreated mood disorder made difficult to rein in. The other part is insecurity because I am probably overeducated (JD PhD) and he never felt smart enough. I am now angry that he projected all these insecurities on to me during our M but fails to notice something so blatant from MOW. And he thinks because she's nice to him (at pay grade 14 and above only), that's respect.
Should I care? No. Do I care? A little. Both because I am not totally detached yet, and I hate to see him used so transparently. It's almost like he's my kid and someone's hurting him. I know that's coD and has to stop. I am also angry at all this justification and then he is fine with being treated like this.
Ugh. At least I have a lead on a new IC.
[This message edited by roughroadahead at 10:44 PM, May 6th (Monday)]
It is what it is.
That would be Karma.
If Waffle loses his job again and MOW bails again, maybe he might get it. But, I don't think so.
Repeat until it sticks.
It is difficult because we spent so many years supporting, cheering for, ready to take a bullet for (dramatic, I know) - it doesn't switch off automatically.
Focus on continuing to detach. These last grubby tentacles are the hardest to cut off.
I seriously doubt MOW in his case has any intention of leaving her husband. Waffle told some formerly-mutual friends that she would back in Jan or Feb, shortly after the S. Here we are in May, and she hasn't. MOW is a real piece of work. Waffle of course is to blame too, but I have never seen such blatant use of another person so up close and personal. I think he really thought she would leave, they'd be together with rainbows and unicorns. Sucks to be him.
ETA: It was the first antiversary of the d-day for the PA yesterday. That probably doesn't help. Also DS6's 7th birthday is tomorrow. That means 7 years ago today, I was going into labor. Back then, I still had good waffle, not pod waffle. We were all excited, going for walks, he was diligently timing everything. Triggery, I suppose.
[This message edited by roughroadahead at 10:04 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]
I got the same type of crap from my STBX. It's not that we didn't treat them with respect, it's more that we didn't ego stroke them so their feelings of inadequacies festered inside them. It especially doesn't help if you as the BS made more money, were better educated, and in general had your shit together. I ALWAYS considered my W an equal but in her mind I "had and accomplished" more so it fueled her feeling of inadequacy even more.
I am satisfied with who I am so I don't need my ego stroked but my WW never mentioned the resentment she built in her head for me because she feels she didn't lead a full life or some other shit and goes searching for the ego stroking or someone to shine that nice shiny suit of armor she wears. All the while thinking people that use her actually respect her.
This pisses me off to no end because I never once threw my education, salary or anything in my STBX's face. Everything I did was for the benefit of our family. But that wasn't good enough so fine we are getting a D and she can see just how much shit I did do for her that she now has to do for herself. I am not holding my breath but maybe she will eventually realize who in fact did or did not respect what they once had.
I am detached and 180ing while doing inhouse D for 2 more months but is it wrong for me to want her to fall flat on her face once she leaves. I am positive that I will mellow out once she is gone but is it wrong to hope she will finally get hers once she sees goes out on her own and sees that life is actually fucking hard at times when you take the training wheels off?
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:09 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]
One of the few decent things an IC I had told me last year before I left that one, said that it may be some left over maternal instinct we get during long relationships.
I've had instances of anger and wanting to shake him by the shoulders and show him all that he has lost. And I've tried to tell him the little I know of affairs and that universe, but finally stepped down and have to watch his life go down the crapper.
Nope. Perv doesn't notice. It's very foggy where he lives, too.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
he projected all these insecurities on to me during our M but fails to notice something so blatant from MOW.
eta: *Waffle*. It's PERFECT!
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 7:49 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
My XWH#1 did the same thing. Bragged about money and property, etc. He did not work and we were certainly far from rich, but the little 18yr old girl he was having an EA/PA? didn't know that. After I filed for D and cut off his $, she dropped him like a hot potato. I saw it coming, warned him of the consequences, and he ignored me and said " You can't tell me who to be friends with." At that moment I knew he was headed on a downward spiral. He eventually started to drink again and wound up in rehab. He now lives off his invalid father and I don't know what he will do after that old man dies. He is alone, looks like an old man, missing teeth, got fat, etc. I no longer feel sorry for him. He had a choice and he made it himself.
WH#2 is also facing the same. I will no longer try to save him either. Unfortunately you can only save yourself in the end. (((HUGS)))
I wasn't even thinking about waffle really.
I start feeling a little sorry for waffle.
Waffle doesn't seem to notice
AND--he's a *blind* waffle!!! Altho, picturing him as *princess* would have been pretty hilarious, too.
likely to the chagrin of my 22 year old self) my daughter's nickname