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how to move forward?

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rollerager posted 5/7/2013 08:24 AM

So I just found out a couple of days ago about my SO's cheating. Well I kept learning new things really. First it was him deleting the texts from this girl, then it was seeing the calls back and forth, then it was finding out they were at the bar together. Just two days ago I find out he gave her a ride to the bar together in my car!

While this is taking place he is constantly telling me he wants me to move back in and that he can't live without me. We are currently living apart because he has a pill addiction and I was tired of putting up with the emotional abuse. He is seeking help for the addiction, we just have to get him on wait list.

This is not our first issue of cheating. A little over a year ago he was sexting, calling, and going to see his ex. We were separated through one of these occurrences but he was trying to win me back then as well.

We will be going to counseling but I really am not sure I can get over this second happening. I am so upset and hurt. I've done so much for him, I'm raising our son and am currently 3 months pregnant. I just don't know what to do. It seems like every time we have an issue he runs to someone else.

mepe27 posted 5/7/2013 10:48 AM

Actions speak louder than words, in fact, don't even listen to what he has to say. If a WS is actually willing to change their behavior their actions will support that. They will hand you their phone, no problem, they will open their email, they will do what you need to feel safe with them. If they don't do those things, or get defensive or try to convince you that you are creating issues by asking then the WS wants to continue to lie and have affairs and keep you around if you'll stop bugging them.

I think that was the biggest hurdle for me, the first few months I kept thinking he isn't this person, we can work thru this, we can fix this but his actions were clearly showing me he intended to continue affairs, but I so desperately wanted to believe his words, I tried to convince myself his words were the truth...they weren't and it was pointless. When I figured that out I knew my choices were Stay married and fix the marriage together or get divorced it was be lied to by a husband that is having affairs forever or get divorced. Those were the only choices I had.
So look very closely at his actions, they are the truth. If his actions show you lies and affairs your choice is to agree to be lied to and cheated on or leave.

haleyscomet posted 5/8/2013 02:07 AM

so sorry hon

mine begged me to come home too and i did and he just f*cked it up

btw mine was a substance abuser as well -- alcohol and weed and a couple other things on a couple of occasions that i knew of

addicts tend to lie to begin with -- add to that them being up to no good and its a friggin' festival of lies, lies, lies

something to consider --- you with his/yours/your family's best interest at heart want him to stop doing drugs (and/or drinking)... makes you a buzzkill and no fun
meanwhile these b*tches he's gone off with are prob using with him -- so easy to 'run to someone else' who will get high/drunk with him

take care of you - take care of your child and unborn child... put yourself first

i know i know it sucks - we all here know how much it sucks...

i wish you the best and you have every right to not 'get over it' if that's how you feel...

hugs to u

rollerager posted 5/8/2013 07:25 AM

He is going to treatment for his addiction and we are pursuing counseling. He is going on his own as well. We are living apart and have been for like 3 weeks. I told him I will not move back in until he's clean and not treating me like crap. That was before this cheating incident and I don't know how I feel.

I just don't know if I can risk being hurt like this again. I'm still VERY upset.

MovingUpward posted 5/8/2013 07:37 AM

Sounds like there are a couple of big issues here with your SO. From what I am reading, he isn't treating you well, he is cheating, and he is addicted to pills. You've got 1 child and one on the way. My advice is to first focus on you and keeping yourself and your son in the safest place possible. I think your idea of staying separated until your SO is clean is a great idea. This ensures you being in a safe place where you don't have to deal with any drama of his that might arise. It also gives him an expectation of what work that he needs to do in order for you to move back in. Like mepe has said, you need to watch his actions and this check point will allow him the opportunity to show you as well as your opportunity to see him do the work.

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