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rollerager (original poster member #39175) posted at 3:00 PM on Tuesday, May 7th, 2013
I feel like I'm always finding out something new when I believe its getting better.
I can tell there are things he's still hiding but I don't know if I want to know. Part of me feels I deserve that and the other part is just so scared.
I just don't know what to do right now.
BS 22
WS 26
D-Day #1 EA/PA Oct 2011
D-Day #2 EA/PA Feb 2012
D-Day #3 EA/PA Mar 2012
^On going affair with former girlfriend.
D-Day #4 PA April 2013
D-Day #5 PA May 2014
I cannot see any hope in R, I am truly shattered.
Skan ( member #35812) posted at 9:04 PM on Tuesday, May 7th, 2013
Well, your feeling is legatimate especially when you look at your DDay history. You feel like you're being strung along because you are. (((hugs)))
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
doesitgetbetter ( member #18429) posted at 9:37 PM on Tuesday, May 7th, 2013
You don't know what to do so you do nothing? He's been in two relationships for several years now, and he's continued to do so and you've stayed and made your family larger with him. He has no incentive to change because he knows you'll be right there waiting for him.... just like you have repeatedly in the past.
If he has no incentive to change, then what makes you think he will? What do you want to do about it? Or do you just prefer to do nothing?
DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than before
May 22, 2019 -slip/relapse. He forgot he has to work forever
Theradin ( member #38518) posted at 9:58 PM on Tuesday, May 7th, 2013
The quantity of DDays you've had is startling (yes, I've had a LOT of DDays, but it's always startling when I see others with quite a few, too!).
Have you considered drawing a bottom line? Like, if he cheats or engages in ANY A-like behavior, he has to leave the house. A home with children is no place for emotional abusers, which is what a WS is doing to you by having affairs.
Then, if he continues, he has obviously assigned a higher value to his AP(s) than to his own family unit.
At least then you'd know, and this hell could finally start to come to an end. Think of it that way. May not be the outcome your wishing for or dreaming of, but it's better than hell. That, I can assure you.
BH (me): 35
WW: 34
1 kid (7 y/o)
multiple affairs spanning our entire 11-year marriage
multiple d-days over the last 3 years (most recently: 1/3/2016)
divorced and finally released from this prison: 2/26/2016
rollerager (original poster member #39175) posted at 1:28 PM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2013
We have been living apart for 3 weeks and will continue to do so. We are both going to counseling.
I didn't really understand the comment that I'm not doing anything.
BS 22
WS 26
D-Day #1 EA/PA Oct 2011
D-Day #2 EA/PA Feb 2012
D-Day #3 EA/PA Mar 2012
^On going affair with former girlfriend.
D-Day #4 PA April 2013
D-Day #5 PA May 2014
I cannot see any hope in R, I am truly shattered.
reallysad2012 ( member #37658) posted at 2:33 PM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2013
Wait a second...you said part of you feels like you deserve that? Are you saying you think you might deserve to be lied to? WHY??? I worry you think that way because he has told you that and you believe it. Is he blaming you in any way for his cheating?
No one deserves to be lied to, strung along, cheated on. It is good to hear you are in counseling.
me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012
pewpewpew ( member #38116) posted at 8:05 PM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2013
You have to decide exactly what you want and or need to know.
Some posters in SI want every single detail. Some, like myself, don't need them. I know there was an inappropriate friendship. My WH had an EA possibly PA.
Do I need to know what happened? No. As of now, the betrayal is what hurts. The lies. Maybe in the future I will need to know more. Maybe not.
We have been to IC/MC and I've made it very clear what I expect in R and our M. If he chooses to EVER go down this path again, I will divorce. That is crystal clear.
BS - 32
DDay 1: July 2012 - EA with COW
DDay 2: March 2015; same COW
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.
Fool me twice, now what?!?!
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:26 PM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2013
You deserve a relationship based on honesty. If you don't care about something, it's fine not to ask.
If you fear the answer, you need to ask your question.
If you fear he'll lie if you ask, you need to give him the chance to tell the truth, and you need to hit him with serious sanctions if he lies.
Accepting his lies is terrible for you and could be just as bad for your kids, who learn how to live from you.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
rollerager (original poster member #39175) posted at 2:40 PM on Friday, May 10th, 2013
I feel like I deserve the truth and althoughhe says he's told me everything I just don't know if I believe that
BS 22
WS 26
D-Day #1 EA/PA Oct 2011
D-Day #2 EA/PA Feb 2012
D-Day #3 EA/PA Mar 2012
^On going affair with former girlfriend.
D-Day #4 PA April 2013
D-Day #5 PA May 2014
I cannot see any hope in R, I am truly shattered.
Nailinmyforehead ( member #38427) posted at 3:34 PM on Friday, May 10th, 2013
pew- you really hit home for me with this- "Do I need to know what happened? No. As of now, the betrayal is what hurts. The lies. Maybe in the future I will need to know more. Maybe not. "
My ws and I seem to be doing okay, heading in the right direction and then she decides to answer a question I pose instead of shutting down, and it sends me back to hell. I give up. I guess I am one of those that doesn't need all the details and I need to stop torturing myself asking about them.
"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"
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