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dont know what to do?

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rollerager posted 5/7/2013 09:00 AM

I feel like I'm always finding out something new when I believe its getting better.

I can tell there are things he's still hiding but I don't know if I want to know. Part of me feels I deserve that and the other part is just so scared.

I just don't know what to do right now.

Skan posted 5/7/2013 15:04 PM

Well, your feeling is legatimate especially when you look at your DDay history. You feel like you're being strung along because you are. (((hugs)))

doesitgetbetter posted 5/7/2013 15:37 PM

You don't know what to do so you do nothing? He's been in two relationships for several years now, and he's continued to do so and you've stayed and made your family larger with him. He has no incentive to change because he knows you'll be right there waiting for him.... just like you have repeatedly in the past.

If he has no incentive to change, then what makes you think he will? What do you want to do about it? Or do you just prefer to do nothing?

Theradin posted 5/7/2013 15:58 PM

The quantity of DDays you've had is startling (yes, I've had a LOT of DDays, but it's always startling when I see others with quite a few, too!).

Have you considered drawing a bottom line? Like, if he cheats or engages in ANY A-like behavior, he has to leave the house. A home with children is no place for emotional abusers, which is what a WS is doing to you by having affairs.

Then, if he continues, he has obviously assigned a higher value to his AP(s) than to his own family unit.

At least then you'd know, and this hell could finally start to come to an end. Think of it that way. May not be the outcome your wishing for or dreaming of, but it's better than hell. That, I can assure you.

rollerager posted 5/8/2013 07:28 AM

We have been living apart for 3 weeks and will continue to do so. We are both going to counseling.

I didn't really understand the comment that I'm not doing anything.

reallysad2012 posted 5/8/2013 08:33 AM

Wait a said part of you feels like you deserve that? Are you saying you think you might deserve to be lied to? WHY??? I worry you think that way because he has told you that and you believe it. Is he blaming you in any way for his cheating?

No one deserves to be lied to, strung along, cheated on. It is good to hear you are in counseling.

pewpewpew posted 5/8/2013 14:05 PM

You have to decide exactly what you want and or need to know.
Some posters in SI want every single detail. Some, like myself, don't need them. I know there was an inappropriate friendship. My WH had an EA possibly PA.
Do I need to know what happened? No. As of now, the betrayal is what hurts. The lies. Maybe in the future I will need to know more. Maybe not.
We have been to IC/MC and I've made it very clear what I expect in R and our M. If he chooses to EVER go down this path again, I will divorce. That is crystal clear.

sisoon posted 5/8/2013 16:26 PM

You deserve a relationship based on honesty. If you don't care about something, it's fine not to ask.

If you fear the answer, you need to ask your question.

If you fear he'll lie if you ask, you need to give him the chance to tell the truth, and you need to hit him with serious sanctions if he lies.

Accepting his lies is terrible for you and could be just as bad for your kids, who learn how to live from you.

rollerager posted 5/10/2013 08:40 AM

I feel like I deserve the truth and althoughhe says he's told me everything I just don't know if I believe that

Nailinmyforehead posted 5/10/2013 09:34 AM

pew- you really hit home for me with this- "Do I need to know what happened? No. As of now, the betrayal is what hurts. The lies. Maybe in the future I will need to know more. Maybe not. "

My ws and I seem to be doing okay, heading in the right direction and then she decides to answer a question I pose instead of shutting down, and it sends me back to hell. I give up. I guess I am one of those that doesn't need all the details and I need to stop torturing myself asking about them.

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