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Newest Member: Alleycats (61167)

User Topic: How to move forward?
Member # 39196
Question  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was asked for a divorce on 3/30 of course at that time it was a We've been together almost 17 yrs and we have problems unable to fix ( mainly my sexual neglect of him ), we go a whole week of making plans for this to happen all the while I stand and fight for my marriage, a week went by and I felt all the battling back and forth was unhealthy so I said I wanted to go to a hotel for 2 nights so we could both "cool off"... While I was at hotel I get a call from a guy who is the husband to who a woman and he drops the mother load on me about his wife and my husband, completely devastated I call my husband and drop it on him, of course he's in shock and denies... Ok moving forward without giving you all ALL the details between here and there I have found out and husband finally being honest with me about details of this month long affair, they never slept together ( they live in diff states ) but they did have MANY phone calls and text/sext sessions, he said it never meant anything but he was using her for attn he was lacking from me, which I have taken ownership on... Anyways 4/10 he FINALLY cuts ties with her as far as saying no more contact and on 4/30 he actually blocked her from our cell's and his fb ( of course I asked for this all along but he couldn't do it until it was on His Terms ( they had been friends for 13 yrs, used to work together when we lived in another state ), he said he hadn't before as he was hoping to some day be able to be friends with her again but he realized for US to work that wouldn't be possible... So my question to you readers is HOW do I get over the many visual things I've seen and heard about this affair, also any tips on rebuilding trust as right now I feel I psycho check bank accts' and cell records and often ask him for his cell so I can look through it... Is it as "simple" as saying Time will Heal all?

Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 39196
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also I forgot to mention there was 1 meeting, she flew into the state we live in for a conference and my husband went there and got his own room which he had invited her back to and "all" they did was kiss shortly and she left... I DO believe there was no sex but I have a hard time believing 2 drunk unhappy people who had shared what they had for the past month just kissed with their hands by their side and no fondling or anything happened... He says they were just sitting on bed and she was laying in his lap and he leaned down and kissed her shortly and then she left...

Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2013
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, they were on the bed together with her laying in his lap, they kissed, and then she left?

I'd call bullshit on that one. They were having an emotional affair, and finally had the chance to meet up, but ended it with just a kiss? I'm just having a hard time picturing that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Me: 1970
Two sons: 2000 and 2003
Cheating louse: What's her name again?

Married Aug/95
DDay Nov/12
Separated Mar/13
Finally divorced Jul/17

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!

Posts: 3590 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 39196
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My point exactly, 2 people that had shared many personal things over a month finally together and QUITE drunk, and a couple minute kiss and bye??? doesn't add up, I have plead with him that to me a kiss or anything more wouldn't hurt me any different as it's bad all the way around, being honest and forthcoming would speak volumes, he still stands by just a kiss

Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 39196
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have Trust issues due to this obviously and have thought about contacting her through FB asking her version of what happened in this hotel but DOUBT she'd be forth coming and probably wouldn't respond, but I think of doing this as if she would tell me what happened and it was "just" a kiss then at least I can stop questioning his honesty with it and move forward... SO advice on contacting the "other woman"?

Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW won't tell you the truth either, for several reasons. 1. She's a liar and a cheater just like your WH is. 2. They've talked since then, and you know this, so they've matched up their story to cover their butts in case you or the other BS ever asks questions. 3. She owes you nothing. Your WH owes you the truth moreso than a stranger to you does. She is not motivated to R with you, so she has no deep reason to tell you the truth at all. Don't contact her, she'll just tell you more lies and garbage that your WH is trying to feed you.

If WH won't fess up, then call for a lie detector test. Don't fall for any "parking lot confessions". This is where the WS gets the BS to the parking lot right before the test (or really, anytime before the test is done) and comes up with more "truth" that they spill. They spill a little more truth in hopes that the BS will think that there is nothing more to tell, so they call off the test. In reality, there is TONS more to tell, but the WS just got out of coming clean with all of it because the BS bought their fake confession beforehand.

He's proven to you that he's a liar, so why on earth would you believe that he had the time, the opportunity, the fuel (alcohol), and didn't do what he went to that hotel room to do? I'm so very sorry!

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Contacting her isn't going to make a difference, because you'll never know whether she's telling the truth or lying, and history dictates that she'll like to protect herself.

Experience also dictates that they were much more physical than your WS is telling you. He can tell you you're wrong or crazy, but that doesn't make it true.

How to move forward? Listen to your gut. Protect and take care of yourself. Don't let him lie to you. The 180 is an excellent resource for how to protect yourself emotionally, and it sometimes draws the WS out of their fog as well.

For right now, your only job is to be true to yourself. Drink water, rest, go for a walk.... little baby steps in self care will help move your forward towards a healthier decision making process - when you're ready.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ 39145
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am struggling to move on. I took a very tiny baby step the last couple of days; I quit trying to start conversations with WH. Boy, did that do a number on him. He went off on me last night about how I'm always mad at him. I asked him how he knows I'm mad and he said "Well, all night tonight you were quiet. You always talk when we are driving around but instead you didn't say much and looked out the window." Mmmm, now I'm doing something wrong? It's amazing how the little things can make them open their eyes, even if just a litte bit. Best wishes to you!

Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
♀ 35507
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tpratt you are being lied too big time. Why would they have stopped? They did the dirty deed and now he is lying trying to minimize the A. My FWH lied to me on DD and swore on his mother's life and the life of our granddaughter that it was only an EA. He LIED!!!! All cheaters lie.

I wanted to believe him because it was too painful not to however, my gut kept screaming at me that he was lying. He swore he would take a poly to prove he was being truthful. To his utter shock and surprise, I found a company and booked him an appointment. He refused to take the test, he was bluffing thinking his promise would be enough to convince me. So I told him that I was going to contact her BH and offer to pay for a poly to have her tested. I said I know he will take me up on the offer so I will find out the truth. Only then did he admit that it was a PA.

Tell your WH that he has to take a poly and if he refuses, tell him that you are going to Offer her BH to pay to have OW tested. See how he reacts.

Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 39196
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone so far ( and for those of you who will still post ) I find it comforting to have others who have been through this to talk to... I did read an article on this site here about total disclosure how Healing it can be for BOTH parties, I sent it to him... He is a busy guy at work but did send me a response with he's responding but there's a lot going on at work so it may be awhile, I bet the article spoke to him and the truths are FINALLY pouring out... we shall see

Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 38900
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only one way out of this ... the honest truth! The truth has to be known. And until you are completely at ease with yourself that H is telling the truth, keep at it. The truth hurts but it has to be known. And deal with it from there.

Me - 59 - I often have to remind myself of my age!
Husband - 59
DD1 April 5 2013 (a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 266 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 11

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