Hi - I haven't posted much, but here is my situation in a nutshell, plus what happened today.
-I had a 10 month A with MOM in our social group (we live in a very small town)
- Dday was over a year ago
- NC/IC/MC/R started 3 weeks after Dday. R currently going really well.
- a few months after Dday, POSOM's BW uncovers multiple A's with OW within our same social group, including their next door neighbor. POSOM is now socially ostracized and he recently lost his job at the only major employer in town. My BH has heard they are separated but the BW is hoping to work things out. Who knows/cares.
So, this morning, my friend and I meet at our regular work out spot (we have been going there every Tues morning for MONTHS). As I pull into the parking lot, POSFOM is sitting there, in his car. I circle the lot planning to leave, but my friend waves me over and I park. She makes a face, but as he is still in his car, she says "let's dominate" and we walk towards the door. He then gets out of his car, and follows. I tell my friend to go in, and that I'm not going in if he is. I wait at the door, and when he approaches this happens:
Me: (totally calm voice) I do not want you in here.
Him: Hey, I'm just going to work out.
Me: No. I do not want you in here, and there is no way I am going to be in the same building with you.
Him: Why not? What's the big deal? I'll stay on my side, you stay on yours.
Me: Are you kidding me? You know exactly why. Get a clue!
Him: Yeah, well, I'm going in.
He pushed past me and went in the building. My friend came out and we left. There is no way I would disrespect my BH by staying there.
I am a little bit in shock right now. This is the first conversation (first face to face actually) with POSFOM since shortly after Dday. I was surprisingly calm, all things considered. His demeanor was so bizarre - basically smirking, and making light of the "coincidence" that we were there at the same time. And acting as if it would be no big deal if we were in the same space together (it is a swimming pool, so we would have been in our bathing suits - ICK!!!)
I don't know that I really have a question, but I had to get this out to people who can understand. My BH is convinced he is a psychopath, and he was looking for some type of reaction out of me, even if it was a negative reaction. I think he was pretty surprised I confronted him however, as my usual reaction is to turn and walk/run away if I ever even get a glimpse of him.
Here are my general thoughts...
1) POSFOM knows when I use that facility (he has friends who see me there) and he likely planned to show up when it would cause me the most discomfort. Otherwise, why the heck was he just sitting in his car until we showed up?
2) POSFOM can go very few places in town where he isn't recognized as "that *%($ guy". I think it pisses him off that I don't get the same treatment (his BW even called up one of my friends and complained that I was getting a "free pass" ?????) and he wanted to do something to make ME uncomfortable about going about my daily life.
Aside: My BH and I want everyone to know we are in R so we went completely NC with the old social group, we go out frequently with lots of new "good" friends/couples, and have tried to just live our lives and not let the A rule our existence. Yes, I experienced a lot of public shame initially. However, I have demonstrated a tremendous amount of remorse, and our friends see that I am doing everything possible to help my BH heal. I'm sure there are people in town who will always look at me sideways, but we don't interact with them. It's not my fault he had a bazillion A's and is now stuck with the consequences.
3) Why in the heck am I on his radar AT ALL? At last count, I'm aware of 5 OW who live in this town. He was involved with some of his OW for years. Why would he have any interest in pinging on me? Perhaps with all of his new free time, he's doing this to all the OW?
4) What is the general consensus on what to do if this happens again? I refuse to let POSOM dictate where I do and do not go, but I respect my BH too much to share the same air as that psycho. I know this is a consequence of my A, so I may just need to give up that activity for a time. Thoughts?
Thanks for reading - I know it is long.