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That ticking bomb feeling

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idiot85 posted 5/7/2013 13:35 PM

I've already bitten the wife's head off a few times- she's now upstairs sorting the kids out and I'm down here imagining what I'm going to say- none of it nice- my chest is tight and I feel like I've been kicked in the head.

I can't stop thinking about what she said and did with strangers- I'm on my own in this- I just want her to know how much I'm hurting.

How could she talk like that?? It's not OK when she is married and has my children.

OneFootForward posted 5/7/2013 13:51 PM

I don't know what to say. I am having a hard day and I see yours is no better.

All I can do is hold out my hands and offer a firm hug. You are not alone though I am sure you feel as alone as I do right now... and I am at work.

No more words, just prayers for you.

Jada52 posted 5/7/2013 13:58 PM

Sending prayers to both of you. I am having a bad day as well and want to explode on both the OW and the WS. I hate these feelings.

SoVerySadNow posted 5/7/2013 14:07 PM

Bad day here too- yesterday was no better. It's just getting worse.
The entitlement he showed, the selfishness, the lies, the things stolen from our marriage really twist me up.
I'm sorry you all feel this way too.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 2:08 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

idiot85 posted 5/7/2013 17:01 PM

Cheers everyone- hang in there.

Unfortunately my bomb exploded.

idiot85 posted 5/8/2013 04:37 AM

I feel sick this morning.

Last night I asked nasty questions and then I wanted to have sex with her in the same manner she did with them for no other reason other than because she is my wife and she did worse with strangers- last night it wasn't nice or romantic it was horrible and I was horrible then after she was all teary and I asked if she was OK- she said "yes do what you want with me" and left the room. I don't want to do what I want I want to feel how I did even just over the weekend.

In bed last night she was upset then this morning I could barely look at her- a mixture of my own guilt for being so rough and cruel as well as wondering how she could have put us here- who I am sometimes. Her eyes were red and my little girl asked if she had been crying- that hurt both of us.

Today is a bad day and who the fuck am I now??? What can help me now?? She's out today so I won't see her til tonight- do I tell her I'm sorry or just leave it?

stilltrying2025 posted 5/8/2013 06:03 AM

I feel your pain! I do the same as you. Don't kick yourself for what you are doing....we all are on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Just take control of today...not yesterday...and try to stay calm. IMO I wouldn't apologize unless she brings it up and then I would just say "I will own my actions and may have been out of line". That's what I do because my WH has never ever apologized for anything he has done. (((Hugs)))

idiot85 posted 5/8/2013 07:55 AM

I think I hurt her though and I definitely don't want that- all this just brings parts of me out that I never knew existed- every now and again I surprise/ shock myself.

spareparts posted 5/8/2013 08:05 AM

Hey I85,

I understand where you are coming from, the pain and hurt is great. This is why I have previously tried to persuade you that YOU also need some kind of IC, and a method of releasing the anger rather than taking it out on your WW.

I would suggest that you apologise to your WW for your behaviour, I'm only guessing here but if you aren't happy with yourself then you need to own what you did as it was inappropriate regardless of the situation.

You need to be the better man here, but you also need to get yourself sorted. Speak to someone and focus on you, exercise or some other form of releasing the anger is what you need (I have a punch bag in my garage that really helped).

As you say this can bring out parts of you that you never knew existed, but it does also give you the opportunity to fix them for you.

mike7 posted 5/8/2013 08:09 AM

if you feel you did something wrong, and you do, then of course you say you're sorry.

imagine she hit you in the face. but realized she was wrong and apologized. I mean, really realize she was wrong, and apologized.

Weeks went by. You didn't like it. After all, she hit you in the face. After a while, you hit her in the face. She humbly says, "do what you want with me."

should you apologize?

I think you should try to treat her nicely. I know you're hurting, so does she. But I don't think it's ok to treat her poorly. There are several reasons.

First, you love her. Even if you'r hurt, you don't want to hurt someone you love. That's why you're feeling conflicted.

Second, hurting her doesn't make you feel better.

Third, you are disrespecting yourself. You know you're better than that.

those are my thoughts. Hang in there friend. love your family like its the only thing that matters.

because it is.

idiot85 posted 5/8/2013 08:29 AM

I'm happy to talk- I just don't know what it would achieve by me going to IC- I can't imagine what they could say that my friends or on here wouldn't I don't hide anything I know I make mistakes- all I wanted was my own family I love them more than I can put into words. My wife is still amazing but sometimes I just feel full of rage toward her- I wouldn't hit her but last night I did the same as what I did not long after she told me- I was really rough with her in an intimate way and that's not like me at all and it fucks with my head thinking I could behave like that- nothing had even happened- we had the most perfect bank holiday weekend. I saw something yesterday that for some reason made me trigger really badly- mind movies but mainly words- thinking about what she said to me when I met her and what she said to those men- I just got really wound up.I hate mistreating her it hurts me too I feel guilty and wrong but still angry at her if you get me.

I don't want to end up like some mad man- I'm not that guy. Last night I treated my wife like some dirty whore- or worse- I could throw up.

spareparts posted 5/8/2013 10:18 AM

I don't want to end up like some mad man- I'm not that guy.

This is why people recommend IC for yourself. Speaking to an IC can give you a better array of tools to help you deal with the rage, a better set of coping mechanisms and just an all over a safe place to vent away and help you to understand your feelings better.

Whilst SI can help, we only see the one side of the story, we get to see your writing, we don't see body language, we don't know your history or your past and all of those things can impact upon what you do. Also with a lot of friends, eventually you may find they get to the "yeah yeah she cheated on you, either man up and divorce her or quit going on about it" stage, which really may not help you.

You have effectively had a huge trauma inflicted on you and you need to start work treating that trauma to yourself.

Think of it another way, had you been hit by a car and your legs now appeared to be broken, I'm assuming you'd go to the Hospital? Also once they had put your legs in plaster I'm sure you would need a physical trainer to help you walk again. Same thing, only its not your legs, its likely whats going on in your head needs fixing. Hence you are acting out in ways you do not like.

And if you do go to an IC, and find that you are all wonderful and hunky dory, then what have you lost aside from the time and money? And really aren't you worth finding out?

idiot85 posted 5/8/2013 10:38 AM

I'm more of a happy-go-lucky type of person- all this drama makes me act weird.

That's the thing- nothing weird or traumatic has ever happened to me- happy childhood full of happy memories.

I went to counselling after I saw her brother and yeah it helped but I just wanted to talk about it- the counsellor listened for an hour a week and after the 6 sessions (I think it was 6) I felt better.

I don't so much need to talk about this- I need answers- if I say to counsellor "why did she this/that" they won't have the answer- I know the answers as in- if you feel angry do this do that- in real life it isn;t working for me right now. It's not like I can turn it into a happy memory it's always going to be shit- she fucking hushed a guy up to say "I just want to fuck you"- a complete stranger- I'm angry about it and I know it will pass but she's my wife and she can't act like that no matter what a counsellor will think I'm a right muppet.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:39 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

OK now posted 5/8/2013 10:41 AM

If you are going to use sex as a weapon it may be better to abstain for a few months until your feelings have moderated.

When my FWH cheated we became roommates for 6 months; sex was off the agenda until I could face intimacy without anger. It worked out very well for us anyway; the mind movies tended to decrease because sex wasn't part of our relationship at that time. I could imagine we were friends and parents but not lovers; thats was for the future.

In a way we were rebuilding our relationship from the bottom up.

idiot85 posted 5/8/2013 11:02 AM

It isn't usually like that- it usually makes us feel closer- I think it was when she first told me though and I think it was last night- I think I actually hurt her but she didn't say and I didn't force her if you get me-

It's the words that are killing me now and I keep remembering things she said to me in the beginning- it really upsets me and makes me so angry with her.

I'll be going home soon- she'll be home- I texted her a sorry and she said everything's fine. I know it's not going to be fine tonight- I won't do that though but who knows I might in the future- I'm not sure of anything anymore.

Edited to add: Can I ask her to get rid of a particular dress- it's expensive and vintage but she hasn't worn it since the last time- should she throw it if I ask her?? I think she would. I don't want to act like a freak I just don't like it- I don't know why it just popped into my head now.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 11:09 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Skan posted 5/8/2013 14:19 PM

Let me be blunt. You do not have the right to hurt your WW sexually. Itís wrong and itís immoral.

I think I actually hurt her but she didn't say and I didn't force her if you get me-

So, since she didnít scream rape, it was OK? Let me tell you, a woman who loves a man and/or feels guilty, will put up with essentially brutal sex and/or rape because ďshe deserves it,Ē ďhe didnít mean it,Ē and pure, basic fear. The fact that you felt that you had to treat your WW brutally during sex is one pretty damned good reason to seek counseling period. You do realize that had she cried spousal rape, you would be sitting in a jail cell right now, donít you.

Believe me. I fully understand wanting a WS to GET it. Wanting to punch their headlights out. Wanting them to hurt just as bad or worse than I do. I truly get it and I have some incidents that I am not proud of early after my DDay. But you cannot use the fact that you were betrayed to hit or physically wound your WW. No one has a right to feel fear in their home or their bedroom. No one.

My opinion, FWIW, is that you need to stop with even attempting to have sex with your WW until you can do so without force or the need to degrade her. If you want to leave, or her to leave, then kick her out of the house. If you want to try to R, then do things that help to lead to R. If youíre in limbo-land, then detach enough to figure out what you need to help in your healing. But just like having a revenge affair is wrong and doesnít help your healing or your R, being sexually vile will not help either.

Iím sorry for the 2x4 because I know that youíre hurting. Donít let your hurting turn your nature into something or someone that you donít want to be.

idiot85 posted 5/9/2013 05:17 AM

I know it's not right to hurt her in any way and that wasn't my intention- I never want to physically hurt but sometimes I really want to hurt her feelings so she has an idea of how I feel.

I didn't force her into anything and I never would- I'm just talking about being rough with her and I'm not usually- I told her last night and she said she was upset because she knows how much she's hurt me not because of anything I've done to her- she promised I didn't hurt her "that" way- I told her I just keep thinking about her being like that with strangers and she acknowledged and apologised- again.

She's definitely not scared of me- I'm a fucking pushover- look what she can do- she can go fuck who she wants where she wants and where was I- home looking after our children like a total idiot. I couldn't even leave her- I lasted less than a week before I was crying like a child- I'm not scary- I'm an idiot and a pushover.

karmahappens posted 5/9/2013 06:59 AM

Edited to add: Can I ask her to get rid of a particular dress- it's expensive and vintage but she hasn't worn it since the last time- should she throw it if I ask her?? I think she would. I don't want to act like a freak I just don't like it- I don't know why it just popped into my head now.

Yes, you can.

Hey Idiot, (((hugs)))

How are you feeling this morning?

I know you fight the need for IC. I went immediately but I didn't understand why I needed it. I knew all the bad stuff that had happened to meÖI figured that's all there was to it.

But it's more than that. It's being able to pull the little pieces apart. To look at them, identify what they are and what they mean, to you.

It's validation that you are not crazy.

It's a safe place for your anger and rage.

Eventually it becomes a little time out for you that you will enjoy.

It's actually neat to start to pick up on your actions/reactions to know why something makes you want to punch a wall or vomit into a bucket lol.

Trust me, go. Itís one step for you that you need to take.

(((hugs))) again Idiot. Hang in there.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 6:59 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

idiot85 posted 5/9/2013 09:39 AM

Karma- since I take note and trust your happy posts I'll take note and trust your advice- it's only fair- I'll look into getting referred to a counsellor- it can't do any harm can it.

I'll tell her about the dress too- I didn't want her to think I'm trying to control her life- she used to wear it all the time and I've noticed she doesn't now- it can only be because of this. I think she'll get rid if I ask her to.

I do see when I'm wrong- I've been a dickhead today too but even though she has hurt me- she is still my wife and I love her- I just want this feeling to go away.

I'm feeling OK at the moment- not angry just a bit sore in my chest- I feel guilty for being mean to her too.

On films and TV it never drags on this long!!!

woundedwidow posted 5/9/2013 10:19 AM

I do think counselling for you is definitely in order if your anger toward your wife is so strong that you go to her workplace and call her a "dirty f*cking whore" in front of her work mates. You keep insisting that you love your wife, and I believe that deep down you still do, but right now your anger and rage are really toxic for both of you. Yes, she did something terrible. But YOUR recovery from her betrayal is not going to be improved by doing things like this. You need to find a more constructive way to channel your anger and pain, and counselling will help.

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