SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Bikingguy posted 5/7/2013 14:39 PM

I have ordered the paternity test and was wondering what some of you told your kids when doing the test? My kids are aged from 8-13. We do not think they know anything and for now would like to keep it that way.
I thought about saying it was for checking our ancestry - which is one test the company does. Not looking to provide too much of a story - don't like the idea of lying, however my kids can be very inquisitive.
Thanks
Biking Guy (not to be confused with Bikini Guy)

alphakitte posted 5/7/2013 14:42 PM

Well, the 13 year old would probably think, "Gee, why don't you just test your own blood."

lieshurt posted 5/7/2013 14:49 PM

Is it a test that requires a cheek swab of each person? If so, when I registered with the Bone Marrow Donor registry, I had to provide a cheek swab for testing. Maybe you could say your insurance company requires this for something similar?

Undefinabl3 posted 5/7/2013 14:59 PM

I vote cheek swab in the middle of the night when they won't know at all.

Otherwise, I would say that is part of a child ID kit. They are actually out there, but really only need a finger print to use.

OneFootForward posted 5/7/2013 15:16 PM

My two are 9 and 5. I am going to tell them it is checking for the flu.

Daddy has been sick a lot (which I have, the A is killing me slowly) and I want to make sure they are ok. I swab one, swab the other and then swab me when they are out of the room. No need to show them the box.

ReunitePangea posted 5/7/2013 15:22 PM

This is one of the reasons why I haven't tested my kids, I didn't feel like having to lie to them.

However if I did need to test them to move on - I would make my WW lie to them since she is obviously much better doing that than I.

5454real posted 5/7/2013 15:37 PM

Haven't had to do it, but have had some things to talk with DS that could have lead to a lot of questions down the road. Best success I had was to wait till about 5 seconds before we were going to do something really fun and then do it. Engage in the fun activity for a while and normally the questions would not come. Especially if what we had discussed was really down played.

(BTW I enjoy it more when they mis-read your name. Hell, I went back 4 or 5 times!!! )

Strength

LosferWords posted 5/7/2013 15:55 PM

That's a tough one, Bikingguy. We tested my son a month before he turned seven. We told him that it was for medical reasons, which was a half truth. He really didn't think much of it, and was ready to get back to his Guitar Hero game by the time we were done. I'm thinking your older kids will definitely be more inquisitive, like you said, but do you think telling them that it is for medical reasons for something that they most likely won't have to worry about, but you are testing to make sure?

Even though we went the route of half truths with my son, it just kills me. It's something I'd never had to do with my son before. On top of that, there was a discrepancy with my son's DNA, and now I've got that secret on him as well. I will inevitably have to have a talk with him when he is older about his biological heritage, which will most likely cause him to ask all sorts of questions about OM. Things to keep in mind if there does happen to be a discrepancy. I will be hoping for you with every ounce of my body that you aren't put in that position like some of us here have.

I wouldn't recommend trying to do this when your kids are asleep, because you have to swab each cheek for like 30 seconds, and they'd be likely to wake up and ask you what the heck you were doing anyway.

Best of luck to you.

64fleet posted 5/7/2013 16:08 PM

I've been wondering about this as well, one child looks like me, but the other-he resembles her boss when we first married. Can't quite bring myself to have them checked. But I still wonder.

Bikingguy posted 5/7/2013 16:15 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I think insurance/health is the closest to the truth.

We talked with MC about a month ago and she advised against it, but I think that was because she could see at that time I was in a horrible place and anything but a positive outcome would destroy me. But we agreed that if medical reasons required we would do the test.

One of my kids had a medical incident at school and there is a very small change he might have a genetic issue. I believe it is necessary to know this answer before it is asked again for any reasons.

Thanks again. And I am so sorry for those that have to deal with paternity issues - another layer of hell to deal with

Bikingguy posted 5/7/2013 16:15 PM

sorry double post - stupid fat fingers!

[This message edited by Bikingguy at 4:21 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Bikingguy posted 5/7/2013 16:15 PM

sorry triple post!

[This message edited by Bikingguy at 4:20 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

TXwifemom posted 5/7/2013 16:38 PM

Would you cut ties with your kids if you're not the father? My mother had infidelity issues. It would have broken my heart if my dad had asked for a test..... Just thinking from the kid perspective. Like, if you're not my dad, do you still love me?

I understand child support issues....l. What's right? Her not cheating would have been right, but that's just too late.

TXwifemom posted 5/7/2013 16:42 PM

I guess what I'm getting at is, what are you going to change with the results?

Bikingguy posted 5/7/2013 16:52 PM

Nothing will change the fact that I am their dad - always will be. I grew up with siblings from different dads but we have never considered ourselves anything but brothers and sister. Sister has 3 adopted kids -she is their mom.

Test will be health reasons and for me to know one way or another. Cannot lie a bad outcome will definitely impact R. WW assures me they are all mine and she never had an "oh shit" moment. I will see.

CheaterMagnet posted 5/7/2013 16:57 PM

I'm going to tell you a little story. I'm not sure to what purpose, but I feel compelled to post it. YMMV

My biological father left my Mom when I was an infant. I had an older brother and sister that were his children as well. He signed away his parental rights when my Mom remarried and we didn't see or hear from him for 15 years.

When I was 15 he suddenly reappeared in our lives. Driving a Porsche and wearing a Starsky sweater. Oh, and he is a dead ringer for Gene Wilder. We were all taken in by him. He was a "cool" guy and wanted to finally know his kids. My brother and I even moved in with him. I left after 6 months of him getting us stoned before school and other awesome parenting techniques. We still had a relationship though. In fact, I asked him to give me away when I got married. He agreed.

Then, on the day of my wedding, he didn't show up. His neighbor came and told me he wasn't coming. I was crushed. He never tried to contact me.

A year later I find out that he has been telling my brother and sister that I wasn't his child. That my Mom had had an affair and that I was the child of her AP. He even showed them a picture of my "real father." I admit, there is a resemblance. Also, both my parents have blue eyes. My brother and sister have blue eyes. I have brown eyes. The alleged AP had brown eyes. This is what he based his conclusions on. My Mom swears she never had sex with the "AP." That it was maybe an EA (because bio dad - hereafter referred to as sperm donor - was beating her) but it was never physical. I believe her. She had no reason to lie to me. I would have been relieved to find out that sperm donor WASN'T my bio father.

When I was pregnant with my first child my brother came to see me. I opened my door to find him and sperm donor standing on my doorstep. I slammed the door in their faces. My brother begged me to let him in so I did. He said that sperm donor wanted to make amends. That he wanted to know "HIS" grandchild.

I said, "FUCK. THAT. GUY."

That child is turning 30 this year and I've still not spoken to sperm donor.

I am turning 50 this year and I still don't know who my biological father is. Is it sperm donor? Is it the AP? I honestly have no idea. All I know is that I have no Dad. I have no idea what it is like to have a Dad. I can't relate when people talk about their Dad's. I have no frame of reference.

Tread carefully with whatever route you take. Please don't let an innocent child end up feeling like they belong to no one.

((((((HUGS)))))))

TXwifemom posted 5/7/2013 17:01 PM

Biking guy, I get it. Just FYI from a medical standpoint, we rally care about paternity ( I'm an Ob doc, we counsel on this stuff all of the time). Rarely makes a real medical difference.

But as far as R, I agree, it would help establish that she's not altogether completely FOS. Got it.

h0peless posted 5/7/2013 17:29 PM

I've been wondering about MY paternity recently. All three of my siblings bear a strong resemblance to my dad. I don't look anything like him.

I don't think I want to know.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/7/2013 17:59 PM

I think insurance/health is the closest to the truth

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this issue.....and also, everyone else that is in the boat with you (Losfer, CM). {{{hugs}}} to all of you.

And PS....I'm sorry, but I'll always see your name as 'bikini guy' now. Admit it...that was really funny, right?

joeboo posted 5/7/2013 20:08 PM

I wondered for years before I knew for certain my wife was cheating on me. I had to know and even considered what I would do should the results say I was not the biological father. I raised him from an infant and I knew in my heart and my mind that I would never turn my back on him just because someone played the worlds worst prank.

With that out of the way, I knew my son was too old by the time d-day showed up that I was sick for months trying to figure out how to get a sample without him even knowing. The DNA lab does what is called a viability test to determine if a sample is adequate for DNA. So, one day my son was replacing a bandage that I recovered and sent in. The test came back as a match and I learned that I was his biological father. I knew I would always be his dad, no matter what. But it sure did give me piece of mind as my fww was "pretty sure" he was mine. I didn't let her know I even did the test until it was all done. The look on her face when she asked me the results spoke a story all its own.

I don't regret it for a minute. If you have the time, you can be creative. You could even buy a microscope an look at cheek swabs as fun quality time and then keep those for the test. Of course you'll need to look at other things like pond water and the sorts.

Good luck. I hope you find the peace you are seeking. I also hope you take CheaterMagnet's & Losfer's words to heart.

[This message edited by joeboo at 8:12 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]