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Unagie posted 5/7/2013 17:21 PM

a cigarette....I smoked one about a week ago with a friend. Now I've never been a serious smoker but I did have one occasionally while out with friends and when SO bought a carton of mini cigarillos once. Thing is after DDay I was smoking like mad. I would scratch my arms when I started thinking about my actions, or hit myself in the head, or pull my hair....self harm shit. I was stressed all the time and asked a friend for a cigarette. One puff and I was gone. My hands had something to do and I could clear my head and concentrate on inhaling the smoke and how much of a cigarette I had left. I began chain smoking in no time flat. One would finish and out came another because if I stopped I'd go crazy again. One day while out with SO he saw my pack. Asked me about it, I freaked and lied and then came clean and told him I was smoking. He was irate, took one out himself and smoked it and then gave the pack to some homeless guys. That was 6-7 months ago. I've had maybe 3 in the past 6 months, socially the way I used to.

The thing is that the craving now hits me when I'm stressed, or not sleeping well or panicking or in a negative highly emotional state. I've been crap for almost 2 weeks now. Mind movies playing for my actions and his, replaying my actions and feeling horrible and wondering if this is worth saving when we hurt each other so bad. I really want a cigarette right now.

Theradin posted 5/7/2013 17:46 PM

BS here -
I can relate in certain ways. I was a regular smoker for 7-8 years, and quit cold-turkey 10 years ago. About two months ago (1 month after DDay), a good friend of mine offered me a drag of her cig, and I said why the hell not?Well, long short, I'm back to smoking now.

I view it this way - if this is the worst thing I do in the aftermath of discovering my WW's A's, which span almost our entire marriage, then I am just fine with that. A friend of mine was encouraging by saying, "if I were you, I'd be doing hardcore drugs to deal with all this shit!" So, I dont mind smoking for awhile. After all, it's a great distraction, and also, some of my best thinking and Ah ha! Moments tend to occur when I step out for a smoke alone. My WW doesnt mind either. She kind of digs it, too. After all, this was a huge part of my life, the 'real me' right up until 6 months before I met her.

Hope that helps!

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