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Newest Member: allabouteve (47060)

User Topic: Craving
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a cigarette....I smoked one about a week ago with a friend. Now I've never been a serious smoker but I did have one occasionally while out with friends and when SO bought a carton of mini cigarillos once. Thing is after DDay I was smoking like mad. I would scratch my arms when I started thinking about my actions, or hit myself in the head, or pull my hair....self harm shit. I was stressed all the time and asked a friend for a cigarette. One puff and I was gone. My hands had something to do and I could clear my head and concentrate on inhaling the smoke and how much of a cigarette I had left. I began chain smoking in no time flat. One would finish and out came another because if I stopped I'd go crazy again. One day while out with SO he saw my pack. Asked me about it, I freaked and lied and then came clean and told him I was smoking. He was irate, took one out himself and smoked it and then gave the pack to some homeless guys. That was 6-7 months ago. I've had maybe 3 in the past 6 months, socially the way I used to.

The thing is that the craving now hits me when I'm stressed, or not sleeping well or panicking or in a negative highly emotional state. I've been crap for almost 2 weeks now. Mind movies playing for my actions and his, replaying my actions and feeling horrible and wondering if this is worth saving when we hurt each other so bad. I really want a cigarette right now.

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss

Posts: 2906 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 38518
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here -
I can relate in certain ways. I was a regular smoker for 7-8 years, and quit cold-turkey 10 years ago. About two months ago (1 month after DDay), a good friend of mine offered me a drag of her cig, and I said why the hell not?Well, long short, I'm back to smoking now.

I view it this way - if this is the worst thing I do in the aftermath of discovering my WW's A's, which span almost our entire marriage, then I am just fine with that. A friend of mine was encouraging by saying, "if I were you, I'd be doing hardcore drugs to deal with all this shit!" So, I dont mind smoking for awhile. After all, it's a great distraction, and also, some of my best thinking and Ah ha! Moments tend to occur when I step out for a smoke alone. My WW doesnt mind either. She kind of digs it, too. After all, this was a huge part of my life, the 'real me' right up until 6 months before I met her.

Hope that helps!

ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 2

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