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Help...I need a quick reply to Npd-x girlfriend

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Chrysalis123 posted 5/7/2013 17:49 PM

This is an email I just received from Npd-X's live in gf of 5 months.

Hi! I've been wanting to reach out for some time now but wasn't sure how it'd be received. With graduation quickly approaching, and since we have never met, I thought it would be nice to maybe meet for coffee (or something stronger) sometime soon. What do you think?

Also, I was thinking of taking DD18 to get a dress for graduation. Of course, I don't want to offer to do so, if you were considering doing this with her. At the risk of over-stepping, I know your relationship hasn't been easy especially as of late. I just want you to know she truly does appreciate everything you do for her, even if she doesn't always show it. She's really hurting right now and struggling with not getting along with you, the uncertainties of graduating, growing up, and all of the responsibilities that go with it. Npd-X does what he can to comfort her, but she could use her mom right now too.......even though she won't admit it. I think she's been in tears more often than not.

You have done a great job of raising two wonderful girls. You should be very proud.

Like I said, I'd love to get together if you have time for coffee or a drink. Let me know.

This is not sitting well with me, so 2X4 me if I am off base.

Recent backstory is on the last few pages of the NPD forum.

Short story is DD18 has been treating me abhorrently for over 1 year. Extreme, repeated disrespect toward me, her sister, and my parents. Also stealing from me and her sister and hateful emails when she doesn't get her way.

My gut tells me that DD needs a course correction of tough love and realistic consequences for very hurtful decisions. I have emailed her and expressed my desire for a healthy two way relationship, and that I will be 100% in once she also shows the same desire and some consistent kind and loving actions.

I do not know gf at all. She is not married to Npd-X, is in her 40's with no kids and never married, and I think they have been long distance for several years. He spent 100% of his vacation time with her for the last few years. Apparently that is not important for the kids and indicates to me a level of self absorption between both adults.

Kids have also told me that in the 5 months she has been living there, she completely redid the place, removed all traces of the gifts the kids gave dad, and micro-managed DD18's diet demanding pictures of everything she ate....of course this directive came from Npd-X. DD18 saw right through it and said why were you not concerned about my diet before gf moved in?

My initial reaction to this email was shocked she sent presumptuous for a women without children to intrude into my family and my life.

Second, I thought how come Npd-X isn't writing this...well we all know the answer to that...

Third, I guess she is trying to be thoughtful but....yuck. And why wasn't she sure how she'd be received? I have never been introduced, said one word to her, so I assume she has heard an earful from Npd-x. One time I saw her and she looked like she saw the devil when she saw me!

I don't want to have coffee with her. Can you wise folks help me craft a respectful reply? Y'all are so good at this kind of stuff.

Thanks in advance....

Cookie7088 posted 5/7/2013 17:58 PM

How about...

"Thank you for your words, it does appear that my daughter is having great uncertainties relative to her future.

I would like to be the one that goes with her to get her dress for graduation, but I will leave that up to her discretion.

As for us meeting for coffee, I find that it would be an inappropriate gesture at this time. There would be a great assumption to us building a relationship that does not necessarily need to be at this time.

I look forward to meeting you during those times that our paths should cross during my children's events, but other than that, I feel it best to keep our relationship at a distance.

Thank you for understanding."

[This message edited by Cookie7088 at 6:00 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

tabitha95 posted 5/7/2013 19:07 PM

Oh, I can't imagine getting that letter. It makes me so pissed.

Maybe some response along the lines of "I prefer to co-parent with just NPD....too many cooks, and all that jazz".

gonnabe2016 posted 5/7/2013 19:38 PM

I can't tell if she's genuinely being nice or being kinda condescending....

Anyway. How about this:
Thank you for your offer to meet for coffee or a drink. As you pointed out it is the end of the school year, and my schedule is extraordinarily packed right now, so a meeting at this time isn't possible.

I plan to take DD shopping for a grad dress. Thanks for thinking of her, though.


Chrysalis123 posted 5/7/2013 19:48 PM

Thanks everyone. Thing is I wasn't planning on getting her a dress.

I just spent a ton of money on her for a trip out of the country recently. She responded to that gesture in an incredibly thoughtless, rude, and very hurtful manner to me. In fact it crushed me. She basically used me to get the money.

I politely informed her I was no longer her human ATM machine.

So, to me, it is condescending of GF to send this letter. She is partially aware of the difficulties, although I am sure the events have been whitewashed to make it seem like I am the big, bad meanie because I have boundaries.

I can't quite figure out what is bothering me so much about this....I feel like I have been traumatized by the X again, by proxy.

tabitha95 posted 5/7/2013 19:55 PM

I can't quite figure out what is bothering me so much about this

I am so thankful EX hasn't introduced the kids to any of his GF's. I have a real hang-up about the thought of another woman trying to parent my kids.

inconnu posted 5/7/2013 20:02 PM

I have not a clue how to answer this email. Well, I do, but I figure "Fuck Off!" is not what you're looking for.

And I agree, her email does come off as condescending, in that way non-parents who think they'd be better parents than you act superior. Makes me kind of want to slap a bitch...


gonnabe2016 posted 5/7/2013 20:07 PM

As to the dress.....maybe tell her that you figured DD was going to wear <whatever> outfit that she already has, since it'll be covered up by a grad robe and whatnot.

As for her making you uncomfortable, she is being a bit pushy, presumptious and taking little-bitty digs at you. Probably reminds you a lot of your X's MO.

Npd-X does what he can to comfort her, but she could use her mom right now too.

meaniemouse posted 5/7/2013 20:47 PM

When I saw the email you received I thought, what a bunch of patronizing, condescending blather. She really has some nerve.

This would be my response.

Dear Npd-X's girlfriend,

I can understand your reluctance to reach out and apparently your instincts were on target as I don't feel a meeting at this time is necessary or appropriate. Although you may be observing certain behaviors in DD18, hopefully you understand that mothers and daughters often have a very long and complicated history between them that you are not privy to. While your concern for her relationship with me is admirable, I think it's important that all of us respect each other's boundaries. I'm sure you would agree that is a good lesson for any young adult to learn.

In terms of a graduation dress, I'm sure that DD18 would be delighted to have her father involved in that activity and you have my blessing if DD18 is on board.

I appreciate your kind words about my girls. Regardless of the trials and tribulations that we experience there is a bond between us that nothing will break. People may come and go in their lives but I will always be here for them, no matter what. They might not always act like it, but they know that, too.


Two can play that game.

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 8:49 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

gettherefromhere posted 5/7/2013 20:55 PM

I wouldn't respond at all.

meaniemouse posted 5/7/2013 20:56 PM

Chrysalis--I just read your post on the NPD forum.

I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. I have three girls in their 20s and their father is about as NPD as you can get. He's married to a woman who has never been married and has no children. Thankfully she has never contacted me directly but she has said plenty of stupid stuff to my girls. I think she's been warned to stay away from me.

Anyway, I can empathize. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Chrysalis123 posted 5/7/2013 20:57 PM

My hat is off to you Meanie Mouse!!! I'm still laughing at how clever that is.

Now, I am a soft spoken kindergarten teacher I have the guts to send it?..

meaniemouse posted 5/7/2013 20:58 PM

Sure you do. It's nice, compliments her for what she did and in a very kindergarten-teacher-like way tells her to bite you.

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 8:58 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Sad in AZ posted 5/7/2013 21:10 PM

I would be very careful to leave out any pleasantries:

"You are completely uninformed, and your concern is misplaced."

If you have to answer at all...

Lyonesse posted 5/7/2013 21:16 PM

I wouldn't respond. Or send something like, "I appreciate your concern for DD18. However, I don't wish you [find it appropriate/necessary for you] to broker my relationship with my daughter. I'm sure you understand."

No need to say anything about the dress. If DD18 is choosing to live there, then they are responsible for that.

I don't even remember having a dress for HS graduation. I think we all wore shorts/t-shirts under our robes.

persevere posted 5/7/2013 23:38 PM

If you are inclined to respond, Meaniemouse's version, or some variation therein, is not bad at all.

You are in a tough position, but I think you are right that you need to hold to it where your DD18 is concerned. They simply don't get it, and I doubt your NPDX's input has helped the situation much.

GF sounds codependent and clueless at best. Perhaps with a bit of condescension thrown in due to her inability to relate to what is really going on here.


Newlease posted 5/8/2013 09:19 AM

My response? "Back the f*&k off!"

But, I may be in one of my menopausal mood swings right now. So take that into consideration.

I don't think a response is necessary. She doesn't know what the hell she is talking about and nothing you say to her will enlighten her.

Sending strength and peace.


ImNellNow posted 5/8/2013 10:36 AM

I like short and sweet responses, like...

Dear CurrentChickie,
What a surprise to receive your email. Please tell NPD-X to contact me about any issues regarding our DD.
Sincerely, Chrysalis123

whyohwhyohwhy posted 5/8/2013 10:48 AM

I think Lyonesse and Nell have the best responses, if you reply at all.

It is awfully presumptuous of her to intervene in this situation, and it does sound condescending.

I think it will just start a negative email exchange if you reply, and it will continue to escalate.

Nature_Girl posted 5/8/2013 12:08 PM

As a recovering codep, if she is a codep too, then I have to say I understand her motivations behind the letter and think it was written probably with the best of intentions. I can totally see myself writing a letter like that because I'm one of those genuine "just want to help and see everyone getting along" types. For a codep, a letter like that would not be motivated out of a desire to step in between you & your daughter, or overstep a boundary, or anything sinister.

Now if the GF is just a bitch, then the letter is completely inappropriate and a power play. I'm just trying to give you the perspective of someone who was terminally codep.

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