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Life as I knew it is over

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gypsybird87 posted 5/7/2013 21:10 PM

Hi all... I've been reading along for the last week or so but finally decided to come out of the shadows and post. I'm still learning all the lingo, so bear with me...

I was previously divorced and swore I'd never get married again, until I met the most wonderful man ever, 8 yrs ago. We spent 3 years dating/living together/engaged, then married on the beach in Maui in March 2008. Despite a steady supply of drama from his 5 teenage kids and horrible exwife, all was bliss. I felt so lucky, so loved, so cherished, so unbelievably blessed to have found this amazing man and to have his love. I loved him and trusted him more than I've ever done in my life.

Things began to change last summer, as one of his teen sons was causing ENORMOUS drama and we were starting to disagree on how to best handle it. At the same time we were also struggling with financial issues. I began to sense a distance between us, and started trying to find more time together, more affection, more romance. He was oddly resistant to this. By October he was hardly ever home, ignoring me and his son. As the winter deepened, it got worse. The I love you's stopped, all affection stopped (though he continued having sex with me regularly). He came home later and later, stating he was at the gym working out.

Things weren't adding up and I began to question him. He was defensive. I used the phone app our gym offers for tracking your workouts- it showed he had been at the gym 3 times in the last 3 mos. And he had been using this alibi almost daily. I confronted him. He was furious that I believed the technology over him. I said if you have nothing to hide, unlock your phone (its ALWAYS locked, and always glued to him) and let me look through it. He put the phone in his pocket and said he would not submit to that invasion of his privacy. Things worsened. We fought daily. I asked him many, many times if he was seeing someone else, and/or wanted a divorce. He always said no and that I was at fault for not listening to him, believing him, etc etc.

In March we celebrated a very low-key, nonromantic 5 yr anniversary. On April 9th, he went out of town on business. On April 10th, I went through a pile of papers he had shoved under the bed and found a very romantic, "I love you so much, you mean the world to me, we're a perfect couple, we're building a life together" Valentine from the OW. She is someone I know, who used to date a friend of his. We went out together as couples several times; she's even been in our home! Obivously, she knew he was married.

When he returned from his trip, I confronted him with the card. He didn't deny, he didn't beg, he didn't plead for a chance to make it up to me. He feels no remose whatsoever, and made it clear immediately that divorce was his prefered course of action, no matter what I might want.

I found that card a month ago. Since then he's moved out to be with her. I'm alone in this giant house that I bought (by myself, because his credit was so bad) to house him and his 5 kids. We did co-petition divorce papers and they are on their way to the courts.

I'm in shock, I guess. On some level I knew this was coming since last fall, but he kept telling me I was wrong, and oh how I wanted to believe him! Why wasn't he ever honest with me when I gave him so many chances? I think he must be the most cowardly man I've ever met. He told me his "plan" was to let our fights continue until I said enough and asked for a divorce. Then we would split, and he could get with her and I would never know that he'd been cheating with her. He said this would have been "less hurtful" for me. I call bullshit.... I think it was just EASIER for him.

I have lots of other things to vent and ask questions about, but I'm guessing this is probably already too long for a first post.

Thank you to any and all who respond. It's sad we're all here together, but good to know we're not alone.


putonahappyface posted 5/7/2013 21:42 PM

(((gypsybird))) <<<those are hugs. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, and that you've been heard. It's hard to believe this in the painful, early days, but please know that his horrible, pathetic choices are not your fault! Sadly, this man was probably never the man you thought he was, & was broken & messed up before you ever entered the picture.

Please be very kind to yourself, as betrayal is a trauma. Your system will be reeling for quite some time, so drink plenty of water, eat whatever you can (protein shakes, etc) & don't hesitate to ask your Dr. for some help. You will get lots of great advice here, so please keep reading & posting. Prayers to you...

ProbableIceCream posted 5/7/2013 21:43 PM

I'm so sorry.

doggiemom12 posted 5/7/2013 21:43 PM

Sorry you had to find your way here.

I had a similar thing happen in October of 2011 only it was 4 women and had been going on for at least 6 years. My late STBX was also a coward and I was just glad to finally get out of a very abusive marriage.

Drink water, eat if you can and take care of you now. Get a lawyer and as much of the money as you can in your name as soon as you can. Hopefully he will let things go easily and meanwhile you have no choice but to get on with your new and hopefully authentic life.

It does get better. Hang in there.

NoraLee posted 5/7/2013 21:53 PM


Welcome - but so sorry you find yourself here. It's so painful in the beginning...but know WILL survive this...and you WILL thrive again. Keep reading and posting...even after 5 months here, I still come across stuff in the healing library I somehow missed earlier. Take it one day at a time, 1 hour at a time if you need to...

PurpleBirch posted 5/7/2013 21:55 PM

Mine kept telling me he was innocent also. Turns out he's been lying for months. It doesn't help you feel better I'm sure, just know you're not alone. It will get better.!

Offhispedestal posted 5/7/2013 22:09 PM

Im so sorry. Things do get better I know there is no way you will believe that now. Many of us felt they found that one in a million guy. Read as much as you can here, please read up on the 180. That is my biggest regret of all. I allowed myself to dwell in darkness and self pity.force yourself to get as much rest as possible,keep hydrated and take care of you first

Sal1995 posted 5/7/2013 22:24 PM

So sorry

just_breathe posted 5/7/2013 22:52 PM

It sucks! His loss.

"Why wasn't he ever honest with me when I gave him so many chances?"

Because he was protecting himself and he quit caring about you. Cheaters can do this. They don't have much of a conscience, and they have prioritized who they need to impress.

"I confronted him with the card. He didn't deny, he didn't beg, he didn't plead for a chance to make it up to me."

Cowardly. Not enough guts to face their wife, but enough narcissism to continue an affair while you are in despair.
It's insane.
Take good care of yourself because you are worth it.

[This message edited by just_breathe at 10:53 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/7/2013 23:02 PM

I'm sorry. It seems like you're seeing things clearly. I wish you strength. That doesn't make it any easier or less painful. You must be hurting so much.

You're not alone.

haleyscomet posted 5/8/2013 01:52 AM

so sorry for your pain.
i'm sure it sucks that he left...
but i often wish my breakup had not been dragged out with him continuing to lie/deny etc. and make false attempts at reconciling to try to have his cake and eat it too.

not minimizing at all -- its like when i was in a widows support forum. those whose spouses suffered a long illness before passing away sometime said to those whose spouses died suddenly - at least there wasn't a prolonged suffering --- then again someone like me who lost their spouse suddenly thought --- at least you got a chance to say goodbye and prepare yourself for the end

either way it sucks

take care and reach out any way that makes you feel better - you are not alone -- i have found so much comfort and support here

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