Me: Enjoying life
Hi all... I've been reading along for the last week or so but finally decided to come out of the shadows and post. I'm still learning all the lingo, so bear with me...
I was previously divorced and swore I'd never get married again, until I met the most wonderful man ever, 8 yrs ago. We spent 3 years dating/living together/engaged, then married on the beach in Maui in March 2008. Despite a steady supply of drama from his 5 teenage kids and horrible exwife, all was bliss. I felt so lucky, so loved, so cherished, so unbelievably blessed to have found this amazing man and to have his love. I loved him and trusted him more than I've ever done in my life.
Things began to change last summer, as one of his teen sons was causing ENORMOUS drama and we were starting to disagree on how to best handle it. At the same time we were also struggling with financial issues. I began to sense a distance between us, and started trying to find more time together, more affection, more romance. He was oddly resistant to this. By October he was hardly ever home, ignoring me and his son. As the winter deepened, it got worse. The I love you's stopped, all affection stopped (though he continued having sex with me regularly). He came home later and later, stating he was at the gym working out.
Things weren't adding up and I began to question him. He was defensive. I used the phone app our gym offers for tracking your workouts- it showed he had been at the gym 3 times in the last 3 mos. And he had been using this alibi almost daily. I confronted him. He was furious that I believed the technology over him. I said if you have nothing to hide, unlock your phone (its ALWAYS locked, and always glued to him) and let me look through it. He put the phone in his pocket and said he would not submit to that invasion of his privacy. Things worsened. We fought daily. I asked him many, many times if he was seeing someone else, and/or wanted a divorce. He always said no and that I was at fault for not listening to him, believing him, etc etc.
In March we celebrated a very low-key, nonromantic 5 yr anniversary. On April 9th, he went out of town on business. On April 10th, I went through a pile of papers he had shoved under the bed and found a very romantic, "I love you so much, you mean the world to me, we're a perfect couple, we're building a life together" Valentine from the OW. She is someone I know, who used to date a friend of his. We went out together as couples several times; she's even been in our home! Obivously, she knew he was married.
When he returned from his trip, I confronted him with the card. He didn't deny, he didn't beg, he didn't plead for a chance to make it up to me. He feels no remose whatsoever, and made it clear immediately that divorce was his prefered course of action, no matter what I might want.
I found that card a month ago. Since then he's moved out to be with her. I'm alone in this giant house that I bought (by myself, because his credit was so bad) to house him and his 5 kids. We did co-petition divorce papers and they are on their way to the courts.
I'm in shock, I guess. On some level I knew this was coming since last fall, but he kept telling me I was wrong, and oh how I wanted to believe him! Why wasn't he ever honest with me when I gave him so many chances? I think he must be the most cowardly man I've ever met. He told me his "plan" was to let our fights continue until I said enough and asked for a divorce. Then we would split, and he could get with her and I would never know that he'd been cheating with her. He said this would have been "less hurtful" for me. I call bullshit.... I think it was just EASIER for him.
I have lots of other things to vent and ask questions about, but I'm guessing this is probably already too long for a first post.
Thank you to any and all who respond. It's sad we're all here together, but good to know we're not alone.
Him: Someone else's problem
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords