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sadallthetime posted 5/7/2013 22:18 PM

My WH & I are almost 4 years out from the 1st DD. There was a lot of TT and new discoveries for 6 months. There have been no incidents of cheating for over 3 years. We have separated several times & are now separated but cautiously dating. It's been going well lately. He has spent the last 2 weekends with me in our home & it's been lovely. However, last Sunday I looked at his iPad and caught him in a lie. Nothing to do with cheating. He has an old boyhood friend in another town & has gotten close to him & his wife. I saw an email receipt that he had bought the wife a computer because her old one went kaput. They are poor & can't afford what we can. The thing is we had discussed this because WH asked if my old laptop would work for them. I told him it would not. I can't even get it started. At the time I said to him"you aren't going to buy her a computer, are you?" He said of course not. I decided not to confront but to think about it for a couple days. I am going to WH's tomorrow night & am going to talk with him about this. WH has such a need for approval & validation & I am afraid that it 's still a huge problem. Thoughts and advice welcomed.

RunningBlind posted 5/7/2013 22:23 PM

maybe he meant it at the time, that he wasn't going to buy her one, and then decided to at some point after your conversation.

then again i'd think a computer is a big purchase and that he should have mentioned it to you. you mention though that you've been separated several times, maybe he thinks of it as something not on a need-to-know basis?

sadallthetime posted 5/7/2013 22:41 PM

We have been separated but are in close contact especially about our finances. The thing is he lied.

roughroadahead posted 5/7/2013 22:42 PM

To me, this depends on what terms you established. Maybe he did change his mind, maybe he lied. It doesn't sound like you actually live together, so I am guessing your finances are seperate. Are you worried about an EA with such a big ticket gift? Or is it that he may have lied? Is the first a potential dealbreaker? The second?

Talk to him about it. An honest conversation in which your expectations are made clear, and he understands and empathizes is the better outcome. If you're met with anger, annoyance or defensiveness, then you will know that you're dealing with wayward behavior and you can make your decisions from there.

Jrazz posted 5/7/2013 22:47 PM

"Of course not" is a pretty emphatic, definitive statement.

To then turn around and buy a computer for someone after making such a grand statement smacks of intentional misleading.

It may not be a dealbreaker, but I'd have my ears perked and eyes peeled at this point. I'd be interested to hear how he responds to your knowledge of the purchase.

(((satt))

sadallthetime posted 5/7/2013 23:08 PM

We were pretty much at the point of getting back together. I pay all the bills & he does the finances. We communicate about them weekly and see each other twice a week for our work or our volunteer work we do together. We spend several nights a week together & have sex. He must have a secret credit card to pay for this or got a money order. So, is he also buying porn (again)? This is NOT the point. The lying is the point. The lying is not acceptable after what I have been through - over 11 years of lying, hiding & manipulation.

NoMorDeceit posted 5/8/2013 00:21 AM

I see the concern given his history. I'd ask him. It may be nothing, it may be he is "cozy" or wants to get cozy with the wife and a computer is a good means to do so. Call me cynical, I'd be asking questions, computers are expensive purchases.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/8/2013 00:32 AM

Why are you currently separated, but cautiously dating?

It almost seems as if your WH is continuing to live 2 lives. The life that he wants with you.....and then that other life that he'll have if you 2 don't work out.

I'm with Jrazz on this one. It's *ok fine* for him to tell you emphatically that he's not going to buy her a computer.....but he most definitely should have given you a heads-up about his change-of-mind.

Plus...you said *our* finances. So you just paid for 1/2 of missfriend's new computer. Without your knowledge or permission. Not.Cool.

cosmicjoke posted 5/8/2013 11:48 AM

Waaaaaaiiiiit..... What....??? He bought someone else's wife a computer...?? Sorry but that's a huge red flag. AND then the lie on top of it. NO LIKE. Doesn't sound like he gets that being HONEST is a vital part of R.
Does the husband know your H bought 'her' a computer? And why isn't it THEIR computer? This is not good. Now she's going to feel 'indebted' to him. Kind of that KISA thing. A certain dynamic has been created now, between them. So why lie to you, if he isn't trying to hide something? Especially if it's from your joint income? It seems like he's still compartmentalizing. It may seem all innocent now.. but you can bet he's keeping it a secret because there's a part in his brain where he's hoping something might eventually develop there. Or at least leaving the door open for the possibility. 'Grooming', if you will.
He is setting up a bad precedence here. So what happens the next time she needs something? Who will be her go-to guy..? Or when she needs help setting the computer up or making it work, or whatever..?

Keep your eyes open. Good luck with the confrontation & let us know what happens.

sadallthetime posted 5/9/2013 21:51 PM

Thanks for all your responses. Last night I calmly asked WH about this. He said that yes, he had ordered them a computer (the husband is totally computer illerate) and had put it on his private checking acct. Our major acct is our joint account and we both have private accounts from 2 years ago when we separated the 1st time & mine has much more in it than WH does. I am not, nor have ever, been concerned about WH making a play for his friends wife. WH said that yes, he did the research and ordered a used laptop ($175) for the couple with the understanding that they would pay him back over time. He has been on the phone with both of them to help them get it set up. WH said that he totally understands that when I saw the email receipt that I would be concerned and he was sorry that he didn't think about it. Anyway we had a lovely evening with him cooking me a great dinner and are very close to him moving back in when Inam totally comfortable with it.