It's weird. Since I made the decision to face my demons and past traumas, I've learned how to feel again.
I spent more than half a lifetime hiding from my own emotions, effectively detaching myself from, well, myself. Like I was watching a movie of my life and not living it.
I've allowed myself to go back through my life and learn to attach emotion to the memories. It has given me countless sleepless nights, full of tears and sadness, and just plain grief. But I'm OK with that. I'm OK with owning my thoughts and memories. And through this whole ordeal, I'm taking back my life. I'm still sad and devastated most of the time, but I've learned to allow myself some inner peace. A fairly new concept to me, as I hadn't even realized it was missing.
I have made some terrible, difficult, gut wrenching choices in my life, long before any actual A behavior, and I realize now, that I was just nurturing a cancerous lifestyle that metastasized into the lives of those around me. Basically through them under the bus right along with me.
Now I see it everywhere I look, the foo issues, the denials of pain, the *put my fingers in my ears and squeeze tight my eyes and sing lalala* coping mechanisms that kept me sick all of these years.
Its frustrating to see my mom in that light and to realize just how similar we had become and not be able to "help" her. But I'm learning to let go of the outcomes, and let others make their own choices, no matter how wrong they may seem to me(I think this part is the most difficult for me).
Through this I'm developing (albeit very very slowly) healthy boundaries. I'm learning to say "no". When I experience something that offends me, I no longer run away from it, and for the most part, I don't become stubborn and defensive and angry. I've found a middle ground where I can stick up for myself, and not allow myself to be guilted into things. Instead of getting angry and turning that anger inward, until it becomes so inflated I explode, I'm learning face my feelings, validate them, feel them and move on. I mean really, truly let go of them and move on.
There will always be scars and marks on my life from the choices I've made, but they will remind me of the damage my old, distorted view of myself and the world and how far I've come to change it.
I've found my drive and my inner voice and have chosen the road of healing.
I'm interested to hear what work others have done for yourselves to bring you to a healthier place in your lives?