The other thing that I thought of is just make sure you let her know how much you love her and how sorry you are for hurting her (of course, not just when you want sex). Also, just be sincere and tender and make it about her. Kiss her and tell her how much she means to you, touch her and tell her how much you love the feel of her, etc.
Of course, there may be nothing you can do about it, just be patient and kind and understanding (would you feel like having sex with her if you were watching her have sex with someone else in your head-and KNOWING that it did actually happen?).
I'm sorry I don't have a good solution for you, but had to respond because I really like it that you are trying to help your BS. Just keep being patient with her and keep working to figure out how to help her.
Many people swear by this form of therapy.
It is too early to see results yet but I have been surprised to hear that the therapist is helping BH work on FOO issues that got tied into his triggers.
EMDR is tiring and pretty grueling. The therapist is confident it will help with his mind movies and with his "self approval rating".
Post A he has suffered with feelings that he isn't "good enough" in addition to the mind movies and triggers.
The therapist is working with him on installing the positive cognition, "I am good enough" to replace this negative one. This seems to be working.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
I agree 100% with jost1125. Make it about her and only her. Talking to her and telling her how wonderful she is will take her mind off the movies. For me, the talking is key.
As far as details of what you did with OW, it might help. I got most of the details and it has both helped and hurt. Ask her if she wants details. Some BS don't want them. I got the details as I asked for them over time. Minimal details over the first few weeks and additional details as I became able to handle them.
What helps me - when we stop, he recognizes my pain and comforts me. He tells me it's OK to stop, he isn't going anywhere and he SHOWS me how he feels about ME. He apologizes. He loves me through the pain. Sometimes I have to get up - an abrupt change sometimes help me personally so does REALLY loud music in my headphones (triggers a migraine but still stops the worst most graphic movies). Ask her how she feels when they happen during intimate times and you can help her. For me, I always would internally panic that WH would get tired of me stopping sex or sex becoming such a "downer" he would want his OW again. None of that was true but I needed to KNOW that from HIM. While hearing exactly what she is feeling hurts, it can help you figure out what she needs at that time. If she feels second best, you SHOW her she's not, if she feels like you don't love her, you SHOW her you do. Make sense? Do you know her love language? Mine are words of affirmation and physical touch and so when things are the worst, WH uses BOTH to help get me what I need to work the pain and feel safe with him.
Kudos to you for asking how to help her.
Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an
I wanted to compile some of the things others have said as a quick list of tips for helping and add some of my own. I know that my BW has found many of these helpful.
1. Let her know it's OK to stop at any time. When this happens, take the time to listen to her and understand what she is feeling. Apologize. Let her know again it was OK to stop. Let her know you don't NEED sex. Don't pressure her.
2. She might need to know more details about the physical and nonphysical things you did with the OW. It might help if you ask questions based on what was playing out in her head. Sometimes, they simply visualize things that you never did. Be honest when answering and don't try to minimize. She needs to realized that she might hear something that she cannot unhear so tread carefully.
3. If there are things you and your BS did in the past or do now that you never did with the OW, let her know what they are. These will be things that have truly remained special for her only.
4. If you were like me, you PA was a truly selfish act. When you are with your BS, make love and don't make it just about sex and getting off.
5. Keep telling her how attractive she is. Be specific. Make her feel good about her body as she will constantly think you compare her and the OW. Remember, she is beautiful on the inside too!
6. Tell her the things you disliked about the OW.
7. Tell her you love her... and then... tell her why you love her.
What defines us is how well we rise after falling.
I honestly cannot think of one thing that my WH could do to help stop the mind movies.
Just about everything he does, everything he says, I imagine (or know for a fact) that he either did it with her, discussed it with her, wanted to do it with her, etc. Even him touching me more tenderly now or telling me he loves my body or that I'm beautiful is suspect: is this leftover from his A? Because all that is new to my ears. He says it's because he wants to be more open and honest now. Again I think "Did that come from his A?"
And like ReallySad said, when he says things like, "it's just us. It's just me & you here," I think, well he might've spoken those same words to MOW as well! And I also wonder how many times she was on his mind when he was with me? When was it not "just the two of us."
I have no confidence in my bulls**t detector (my paranoia potion and self-confidence solvent are working quite nicely though!) and the trust I had in him took a huge hit on DDay---and then the rest trickled out during TT
I'm thinking the mind movies are another aspect that only time is going to help with.
Good luck to you and your BW, toasted. And to the rest of you as well.
BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad
Discussed it further with BS and concluded that along with all of which you have advised it is yet again a case of time and being consistent.
Would you agree?