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Helping stop the Mind Movies

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toasted22 posted 5/8/2013 03:05 AM

My BS is having trouble with Mind Movies while we are being intimate. She has to fight to stop thinking about what I had done.

Any advice?

jost1125 posted 5/8/2013 05:14 AM

BS here. I'm not sure what will help her or not, I only suffer from this once in a while, but the first thing I thought of is, does she know all the details of what you did intimately with OW? At least then the mind movies would not be worse than what actually happened.

The other thing that I thought of is just make sure you let her know how much you love her and how sorry you are for hurting her (of course, not just when you want sex). Also, just be sincere and tender and make it about her. Kiss her and tell her how much she means to you, touch her and tell her how much you love the feel of her, etc.

Of course, there may be nothing you can do about it, just be patient and kind and understanding (would you feel like having sex with her if you were watching her have sex with someone else in your head-and KNOWING that it did actually happen?).

I'm sorry I don't have a good solution for you, but had to respond because I really like it that you are trying to help your BS. Just keep being patient with her and keep working to figure out how to help her.

knightsbff posted 5/8/2013 08:24 AM

My BH is doing EMDR for his triggers/mind movies.

Many people swear by this form of therapy.

It is too early to see results yet but I have been surprised to hear that the therapist is helping BH work on FOO issues that got tied into his triggers.

EMDR is tiring and pretty grueling. The therapist is confident it will help with his mind movies and with his "self approval rating".

Post A he has suffered with feelings that he isn't "good enough" in addition to the mind movies and triggers.

The therapist is working with him on installing the positive cognition, "I am good enough" to replace this negative one. This seems to be working.

reallysad2012 posted 5/8/2013 08:47 AM

BS here as well. The mind movies get at me sometimes. At first, fWH would try to say things like "it is just us, just the two of us" which made it worse. That amplified for me the fact that in our marriage it has not always been just the two of us as it should have been.

I agree 100% with jost1125. Make it about her and only her. Talking to her and telling her how wonderful she is will take her mind off the movies. For me, the talking is key.

As far as details of what you did with OW, it might help. I got most of the details and it has both helped and hurt. Ask her if she wants details. Some BS don't want them. I got the details as I asked for them over time. Minimal details over the first few weeks and additional details as I became able to handle them.

sodamnlost posted 5/8/2013 13:08 PM

BS here - man they suck at any point but REALLY suck when making love :-(

What helps me - when we stop, he recognizes my pain and comforts me. He tells me it's OK to stop, he isn't going anywhere and he SHOWS me how he feels about ME. He apologizes. He loves me through the pain. Sometimes I have to get up - an abrupt change sometimes help me personally so does REALLY loud music in my headphones (triggers a migraine but still stops the worst most graphic movies). Ask her how she feels when they happen during intimate times and you can help her. For me, I always would internally panic that WH would get tired of me stopping sex or sex becoming such a "downer" he would want his OW again. None of that was true but I needed to KNOW that from HIM. While hearing exactly what she is feeling hurts, it can help you figure out what she needs at that time. If she feels second best, you SHOW her she's not, if she feels like you don't love her, you SHOW her you do. Make sense? Do you know her love language? Mine are words of affirmation and physical touch and so when things are the worst, WH uses BOTH to help get me what I need to work the pain and feel safe with him.

Kudos to you for asking how to help her.

seachelle posted 5/8/2013 13:43 PM

I have a tough time with these too. Not even about sex. Sometimes I wonder if he held her hand when they were in the car, did he say the same things he says to me to her? It bothers me the most that he told her he loved her. Ugh. He said he didn't mean it that he only wanted her undivided attention. I think it is just going to take time and reassurance on his part. Your BS probably feels so insecure right now, that is so hard to get over and if you are willing to keep lifting her up and reassuring her I think that would help.

strength1222 posted 5/8/2013 14:57 PM

BS here as well. The thing that helped me most was asking and receiving details. Once I heard the details I realized that I had built up a lot images in my head that were not true. But be aware that even though the details can help they can also hurt. I would ask her what she wants and then just be there for her. Don't pressure her or make her feel any worse.

thecaves posted 5/8/2013 16:28 PM


I wanted to compile some of the things others have said as a quick list of tips for helping and add some of my own. I know that my BW has found many of these helpful.

1. Let her know it's OK to stop at any time. When this happens, take the time to listen to her and understand what she is feeling. Apologize. Let her know again it was OK to stop. Let her know you don't NEED sex. Don't pressure her.

2. She might need to know more details about the physical and nonphysical things you did with the OW. It might help if you ask questions based on what was playing out in her head. Sometimes, they simply visualize things that you never did. Be honest when answering and don't try to minimize. She needs to realized that she might hear something that she cannot unhear so tread carefully.

3. If there are things you and your BS did in the past or do now that you never did with the OW, let her know what they are. These will be things that have truly remained special for her only.

4. If you were like me, you PA was a truly selfish act. When you are with your BS, make love and don't make it just about sex and getting off.

5. Keep telling her how attractive she is. Be specific. Make her feel good about her body as she will constantly think you compare her and the OW. Remember, she is beautiful on the inside too!

6. Tell her the things you disliked about the OW.

7. Tell her you love her... and then... tell her why you love her.

cheerless posted 5/8/2013 23:47 PM

BW here.

I honestly cannot think of one thing that my WH could do to help stop the mind movies.

Just about everything he does, everything he says, I imagine (or know for a fact) that he either did it with her, discussed it with her, wanted to do it with her, etc. Even him touching me more tenderly now or telling me he loves my body or that I'm beautiful is suspect: is this leftover from his A? Because all that is new to my ears. He says it's because he wants to be more open and honest now. Again I think "Did that come from his A?"

And like ReallySad said, when he says things like, "it's just us. It's just me & you here," I think, well he might've spoken those same words to MOW as well! And I also wonder how many times she was on his mind when he was with me? When was it not "just the two of us."

I have no confidence in my bulls**t detector (my paranoia potion and self-confidence solvent are working quite nicely though!) and the trust I had in him took a huge hit on DDay---and then the rest trickled out during TT

I'm thinking the mind movies are another aspect that only time is going to help with.

Good luck to you and your BW, toasted. And to the rest of you as well.

mainlyinpain posted 5/9/2013 11:07 AM

Make sure you use her name during so she knows you know you are with her. Don't close you eyes, look at her eyes a lot, or when you do close your eyes murmur her name. Also after, really tell her how it made you feel, how you loved....such and such. And DON'T bring anything you learned or picked up during your A. And for me I want to know every detail. Not knowing the parameters means that I have to think that a million other things could have happened. I want to know what did happen and deal with that so that I know that some things will be my own.

PeaceLove187 posted 5/9/2013 12:48 PM

BS here and the only thing that helped me was to keep love making to a short session. I'd be okay in the beginning but about halfway through the mind movies would strike. But of course you would need to ask her if that would help as communication is key.

seachelle posted 5/9/2013 15:08 PM crack me up! Paranoia Potion and Self Confidence Solvent...priceless! and so true. I'm right with you. I know I have said this in other posts but I honestly can't believe I am stupid enough to have this happen to me again. Keep your sense of's the only thing that keeps me sane!

toasted22 posted 5/10/2013 04:01 AM

Thanks for the great advice. Most of which I am doing.

Discussed it further with BS and concluded that along with all of which you have advised it is yet again a case of time and being consistent.

Would you agree?

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