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Darksideofme posted 5/8/2013 07:08 AM

Good Morning Everyone,
This weekend I tried to make time to talk. Well we did just not what I was hoping to get through.

I was hoping that we could talk and help my BS get through some of his feelings...

What I ultimately heard, is that he still doesnt feel he knows why. How do i explain why better without blaming him?? I tired to explain what I thought, what i felt, and have done my best to answer. Im not sure if im explaining right... I even tried to explain that even though I had those thoughts at the time that i was tge person in the wrong, not him.

He also said that he's hurt, that he doesnt want to go to IC, that he wants to take the blame, that he feels cheated out of the perfect love he thought we had. He said he doesnt want the changes that I feel need to happen in order for us to move on. He said that he wished he never found out. There are other things to but this is all i can think of.

What can I do to answer these things for him in a better way? Should I just quit trying to get him to talk and only talk about my feelings???

Any and all suggestions will be greatly appriciated...

Darksideofme posted 5/8/2013 07:24 AM

Another question that has really got me is when he asks why now. He asks why do i care now. How do I answer that???

Ive never not cared about him, I've always loved him. But I was being selfish I was looking for support I didn't feel I was getting, i was looking for appreciation, and understanding. Ive tried to explain this. In the end, I'm so frustrated cause he doesn't understand when I feel I'm trying to explain. I just want to give up... Not on us just on the discussion and i question why he stays if he may never be happy...???

jost1125 posted 5/8/2013 08:15 AM

BS here. I wish I had the words to convey what I want to say, but I know someone else here with much more skill than I will give you some great advice.

I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you and your BS. This is pure torture. I also wanted to let you know that I appreciate hearing a WS that wants to help their BS and is willing to ask questions and try to figure this mess out. It gives me hope for some reason. Thanks.


MFC2011 posted 5/8/2013 08:42 AM

He also said that he's hurt, that he doesnt want to go to IC, that he wants to take the blame

Taking the blame can, oddly, be comforting in certain ways.....if it's the fault/actions of the BS that caused the A to happen, then the BS can tell themselves they have the ability stop it from happening again in the future, which is easier than accepting that it's dependent on the uncontrollable actions of their WS. And the BS can determine their own "why" for their own actions, which is easier than sitting around waiting for the WS to determine a "why", a process which is often lengthy and invisible to the BS and in the end will never provide a reason that truly "justifies" the A anyway.

However, the problem is that the blame isn't his, and the control felt by accepting the blame is only an illusion.

He may have issues to work on and improve in the marriage (Lord knows I do), but accepting the blame for the A isn't part of that.

Is there a specific reason he that opposes the idea of IC?

And I'm sorry I'm not too familiar with your situation (I haven't been in Wayward much recently), but are you in IC yourself? Have you guys considered MC? Sometimes it's helpful to have a neutral third party who can help guide a conversation, ask questions, and assist each of you in expressing things in a way that the other can understand.

ETA: If he doesn't want to do IC or participate on he a reader? Would he consider reading any books on infidelity? That might help him to acknowledge/understand some of the things he may be feeling. I remember reading Not Just Friends after D-day, and my jaw just dropping over how accurate most of it was in regard to what I was feeling/going through. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair was also good, even though it's technically geared toward the WS. It may provide him with some guidance on what it's okay for him to expect/ask for, etc.

[This message edited by MFC2011 at 8:46 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

ItsaClimb posted 5/8/2013 08:47 AM

BS here. I think he probably wants you to dig deeper.

For example this:

But I was being selfish I was looking for support I didn't feel I was getting, i was looking for appreciation, and understanding. Ive tried to explain this. In the end, I'm so frustrated cause he doesn't understand when I feel I'm trying to explain.

You say you were looking for the support, appreciation and understanding you weren't getting from him..... but why did you have to have an A to get that? Why didn't you rather tell him what you were feeling, perhaps suggest counselling? To be honest, I feel that there must have been a deeper reason you had the A, and your BS no doubt feels that way too.

Perhaps try to write down all the reasons you think you had the affair and then when you give your answer dig further, ask "why?" again. E.g. you didn't feel understood. Why? You were being selfish. Why?

How do i explain why better without blaming him??

Your BS can never be blamed for your A. No matter how miserable your relationship may have been, there was always a better option than having an affair. You could have had a good long talk to him about how you were feeling, you could have suggested counselling, you could have ended the relationship...

A miserable relationship is not an excuse for an A - a miserable relationship is an excuse for divorce. The A happened for another reason. Why did you choose to have an affair instead of trying to fix your relationship, or asking for a divorce? I think it's THAT reason your BS is looking for.

Dig some more. What you come up with when you dig deep will help you to become a more authentic person and it will also help your BS to heal when he see you doing the work.

knightsbff posted 5/8/2013 08:51 AM

Hi Darksideofme,
I've been where you are. I know it hurst and is very frustrating. You want to help, and do this right and it just doesn't seem to be coming yet.

he wants to take the blame, that he feels cheated out of the perfect love he thought we had
This was my BH too.

I think if you are having trouble explaining why without blaming him you aren't digging deep enough yet. You are looking at the relationship and at him still, you need to look deeper into you.

What are your patterns when you aren't happy or things aren't going well? Why? When you had your A(s) were you trying to escape from feelings or fears you were having?

Can you get into IC? That could really help you to get to your whys. This stuff isn't figured out in a few weeks....for some of us it can take months to years.

One of my whys is I have a tendency to self destruct (hurting those around me in the process) because I feel I don't deserve the good things in my life. Like you, I have a history of CSA.

I'm still struggling with my whys and have posted on here many times for help because this is tough for me...I don't really get how to dig yet though I think I'm getting better. I'm sure some folks will be along who are better and wiser at this stuff.
((( Darkinsideofme)))

Darksideofme posted 5/8/2013 11:07 AM

Hi MFC2011,
Thanks for the responce. My BS is opposed to IC cause he doesnt think it will help. He also doesnt want people to know.

I unfortunatly am not in IC either but I really would like to be. At the moment i have several obligations that that i usually end up handling myself. I do try to make as much time as I can to talk and visit. Just other family, work and commitments end up getting in the way on both of our ends.

My BS actually showed me this site. He feels like he got all he could get from this site so hasnt been on much lately. I wish he would start posting for some guidance. Or to get ideas too.

I hope this answers your questions.

Hi ItsaClimb,
Thanks for your response. Umm in the beginning it was just talking and from that talking if felt I was getting heard, that someone was pushing me to keep going. I didnt fully realise that talking was starting EA's I didnt see it as such.

I often tried to talk to my BS about things and for awhile he tried to understand but eventually he was getting mad when ever I tried to talk about what ever my problem was. He would lash out and tell me to do this or stop. So i know I felt like i couldnt really discuss anything with him.

I know that i should have did things differently. That i should have let him go or just never had the A's. In the reality, I love him, i do not want to seperate.

I will do a reasons why list. I dont blame him but I know I did. I dont want him to feel it was him at all, and to understand it was my own dysfunctional mentality...

Hi knightsbff,
Thanks for your response.

I can share with you a lot of how I felt back then. I felt pushed away, i felt taken advantage of by alot of the people in my life, like none of my efforts were recognized, and that even though I felt I was giving and giving, that nothing was good enough, i was frustrated that if i did voice my thoughts I was being selfish. I know I had quit trying to disscuss anything with anyone to prevent those feelings.

When I found the outlet and got concern and words of encouragement I know i was relieved. I know now that maybe I should have kept trying to talk to my BS but I know I felt like it was a burden to him. I think about that now and still feel if I had the same reaction would have continued to happen. Maybe that should have been my flag to seperate. We no longer could talk on any level.

I know i was trying to escape the feelings of being alone, being strong for everyone, wanting to be heard, fear of dissapointing anyone... Thats alot of what I can think of right now. But in digging deeper I think there will probably be more..

Thanks for your input. At least i know that im not the only one struggling with these thoughts.

I come here as much as possible. Everyone here is my sound board. Im worried that I cant find a good councilor to disscuss this stuff with since I live in a small town and would need to travel hours to get to a good one. I worry that they cant help me really figure things out. Like everyone here has helped.

Im so grateful for this site... Its been a tremendous help for me...

Thanks everyone for your responses.
I really appriciate the push in the right direction. I hope I answered everything clearly.

knightsbff posted 5/8/2013 11:23 AM

I just wanted to add:
I understand the small town no good IC thing. I'm in the same sitch. The nearest good IC I can see irl is 1:45 drive from me. I have an IC that I meet with via Skype. He is good but there are limitations on what can be done via the Internet.

First off it is not called therapy or counseling although he is licensed and has a irl practice. Via Internet it is called coaching and is limited to talking only (no EMDR or other modalities). The upsides are: we live in different time zones so I can meet with him after work and it is still during office hours for him, it's cheaper than irl session (I guess due to the limitations), I don't need to worry about child care, driving, etc. (I just use earbuds with a mic from my bedroom, very private).

I know I have seen that others on SI are using Internet based IC. I just wanted to throw it out there as something you might look into.

Darksideofme posted 5/8/2013 12:30 PM

Thanks!! Ill check into it. I think i would be able to squeeze that in.

JKL Vikings posted 5/9/2013 10:09 AM

Dealing with questions is a b----. Just be honest and straight. And be patient. It will be a huge turning point when nothing you say sounds like blame-shifting. And I'm not saying you ARE. It can sound like it though even if we're not. Just keep fighting. I'll share one of my most awkward questions I ever had to answer:
One night my wife and I were intimate.. It was very nice. I'm thinking I'll go check to make sure we didn't wake up the boys, maybe go for round 2. So she asks: "Did OW ever make it feel like it does with me?" So I just told her the truth. She's not even in your league. In ANY way. Keep fighting. Holler or PM anytime

Darksideofme posted 5/10/2013 07:22 AM

Thanks JKL Viking,
I'm not trying to blame, but trying to to explain the feelings I felt. I also try to explain that the feelings I felt were no reason for me to have an A. That I understand that. But I think I need to dig deeper into the fears part, or maybe need to figure out where and why the communication skills got lost.

Its really hard to figure that out... Im starting to realize when I started giving up. I wish I had people to discuss things back then. I know its the coulda woulda shoulda but i never felt I could talk to anyone about my relationship because my BS often got upset if I discussed anything with other people. I think he felt people would judge him.

I think about it now and a councilor would have been a great idea. I just hope to find something now to help me dig and help me figure out what my old feelings had meant, how I can portray them right, how to help my BS, and anything else that may help us along.

I feel like I'm trying hard that he was in the beginning, but now he wants to sweep everything under the rug. That scares me, i think that we wont make it I cant get him to try to vent. I also don't want to push him to talk cause the times I've tried we just end up fighting, due to the fact i get frustrated cause he'll talk a little then he'll just stop. Then I try to give up on talking then he feels I'm giving up on him...

Anyway, i would like to say that I've had to be completely alone since wednesday evening. I did nothing but sleep. Something I haven't been able to do in a long time, and I have no Children yet. The reason I wanna tell people is because I would have taken this time to go see a OM. This time the only things on my mind were my love, work, house chores, and how much i missed my BS and im excited today that I get to be back with him tonight!!! Today may end up feeling like a long day. I have a lot to do at work I just hope I can concentrate... 😊

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