I'm sorry you're going through hell. I understand about wanting to crawl into bed and wake up "when it's over." You're head and heart are trying to process a senseless and preventable trauma.
The questions, the lack of appetite, not being able to smile or think clearly are all part of it.
The anger phase will hit you. Use it to your advantage--180 if you can, serve him D papers, close up the bakery. Don't even let him peek through the glass. He know what's there.
You are his W but he's treating you like a fall-back option. Do you have a support system you can employee to borrow strength from?
Any way you can take a few days elsewhere in New Eng and go completely NC? He doesn't need to know your plans, much like he kept his plans and activities from you.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It just sucks.
BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad
A tornado just came into your life and rearranged everything you thought you knew to be true. Well, that happened. Identify your options (and reconciliation doesn't appear to be one of them at the moment) and envision yourself happy in one of those options. Maybe it's living by yourself and being fabulously happy with your hobbies and your friends. Maybe it's finding a new husband who treats you as you should be treated, and the most scientific research I've found says that 80% of husbands do not cheat on their wives, so odds are great that your next man will be a good one. Maybe it's upgrading your career and being awesome in it. You can do that and you don't need him. Really, look at the man he is being right now--do you really want that back?
Maybe he will come out of his fog and stop listening to the lizard part of his brain or maybe not. Many of us have found that the ONLY way to make that happen is to give up on the marriage. As long as he has two women with wide open arms, he'll stay happily in his state of confusion. Close your arms and he'll be forced to choose. But really, you should close your arms to him so that they're free to hug yourself. Screw him. There's a great future for you and you need to envision it and then go make it happen.
And yes, I know that's so easy to say from two years out and so hard to do in the moment, but the faster you can get there the healthier you will be.
Eventually the disrespect from the other wears at and destroys one's soul.
I know many people here know exactly the way you are feeling.
Why are you afraid to be alone? What is bad about that? Seriously. You need to examine this. Sometimes our fears are more of the unknown, that of anything real.
The way I look at it, may be a bit jaded because I have teens, and a spouse that physically is limited in his ability to help me at times.
But heck being alone would be awesome I think.
You do what you want when you want, and don't have to account for anyone other than yourself.
No more worries about cooking, doing laundry, cleaning, and so forth. My house would stay about 99% cleaner if those other 3 humans didn't live there. I wouldn't have to drop what I want to do, all the time to meet their needs.
I could read all night if I chose to and wouldn't get grumbled at for having the light on. I could go fishing after work, if it was a great day for it, because I didn't have to be home for them.
Anyway I am sure this may seem trivial, but really being alone can be a great thing.
What do you gain if he comes back in his current state of mind? Certainly not the loving respectful spouse that you deserve should you choose to have one.
At least alone you can do your own things, make your own choices, evict liars and cheaters from your life, and be available to meet someone who would treat you right if your paths should cross. But they will never cross if you stay with someone just to avoid being alone.
Life for me is 100% better and I found being alone to be far better then in a bad/marginal relationship once I got out.
Your D-Day is so, so recent, don't short sell yourself because of fear.
I think you have made great strides considering the pain you are in. Are you implementing the 180? I think it would help you a bit keeping him at a distance and concentrating on yourself.
There is a great thread in the New Beginnings forum with positive stories, you might want to read what those members have to say.
I cannot imagine how it must feel with your husband sitting on the fence like this, personally, I'd give him a great big push off, but easier said than done.
[This message edited by savvy at 3:48 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]
Good for you savvy. Stay strong. You definitely deserve better.
i think the constant / repeated / consistent disappointment i experienced fueled my anger for the long haul
in other words i think u will be strong / angry as long as he doesn't give you reason to feel otherwise --- and mind you NOT THRU WORDS but through actions
i told mine off 4 weeks and 2 weeks ago when he reached out to me with just words (feeble attempts i thought anyway) and it was emotional and hurt but a week later (just a few days ago) when he text messaged me again i was able to just ignore it and didn't even care to tell him off again.
stay strong hon --- and when ur not steamin' - please take some time to do something to make you feel good / happy. watch a favorite funny show even if its reruns or go try on pretty dresses or shoes u can't afford :)
[This message edited by haleyscomet at 4:04 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]
First, you are in mourning. You are hurt. You will feel 1000 emotions within a 2 minute time span.
You want your normal back. You want your pre A life back. You want to be reassured that you are lovable, desirable, needed.
This is human nature so don't beat yourself up over this.
Take a deep breath, say okay I am human - I lost it now I am going to focus and do something that is logically (not emotionally) good for me.
Small victories. Baby steps.
Only time will get you to the place where you will feel confident in your decision whatever it may be.
Love the people who will love you back without conditions - like your children.
You are better than to wait to see what his decision might be.
You are better than an option.
Hang tough. You can do it.
My anniversary was Sunday and all I want is my life back, the husband I thought I married back. I do not want to deal with attorneys or mediation. I don't want my marriage to be over. Well, the marriage I thought I had. I miss my life, I miss my house and garden, I miss the friends we had (who have just disappeared out of my life). She took my life. I am so angry about that.
There's a part of me that wants him back, but, if he was back in life, could I trust him? He treated me like shit, had so much contempt for me. He lied to me and deceived me for months - I had no idea the affair was going on. He's done this before, with his second wife. Found out he had two affairs with her. So, do I really want a man like that in my life? Do I really want to go through this pain again (because I believe he would do this again). No.
I hate living alone. I miss waking up next to him. I miss his hugs. So, i will grieve that.
At this point, I feel like the pain I feel is me making room for something better. I am pursuing a career that has been my passion my entire life. I hope to find a man that I can truly love and is capable of truly loving me. Not just a narcissistic pig who just uses people to suit their own selfish needs. The cheating pig is a broken man, who is incapable of true love. He puts on a mask and as long as he gets the attention, praise he needs, life is good. The moment you are not there for him (or have the audacity to have a life), he tosses you aside. I want a man who will support me and encourage me to follow my dreams. Not just take care of them. That's not what I want.
Fence sitting is painful. The cheating pig initially told me he wasn't sure what he wanted, but I think that was just BS. I think he got off on watching me sobbing, asking him to give the marriage another chance, give me another chance. I think he made his mind up months ago what he wanted to do. He just wanted to see if Option B was still available. I am no one's option B.
So, I filed for divorce back in January and slowly moving through it. It hurts like hell and I feel like my heart has been ripped out, but I will not live with a man who lies and cheats. No matter how lonely I feel, how sad I feel. I deserve so much more!!!!!! So do you!