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feel like a fool/ why am I doing this

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savvy posted 5/8/2013 08:53 AM

Well this morning I talked to Wh and basically asked him to come back and try to work things out. Why would I do this to myself? He hasn't said a flat out no he is still trying to figure his stuff out. I just want to feel like I have someone there for me I don't want to be alone. I can't seem to get happy at any point of the day, I just can't smile. Will I ever just want to tell him to just forget it? I want to be angrier so that maybe I wont want him back. And why do I want him back? I think I just want the old feeling of security and I do love him. He thinks he wants to just be single but isn't sure. All I want to do is sleep until its over

HelpMe123 posted 5/8/2013 08:59 AM

I can completely relate to this. However, I have been dedicating my time to my son, work, and the little bit of extra time I have I have been going out with friends. It has been amazing and the group of friends has just helped me realize I have 12 people who love me and have my back, why do I care about that one person who doesn't? I agree 100% 12 of them 1 of him which is more important.

PeaceLove187 posted 5/8/2013 09:08 AM

Sweetie, have you talked to your doctor? I haven't been following your posts so I may be repeating the advice of others, but it really is okay to talk to your doctor about your depression. I made the mistake of denying my depression and now believe I missed opportunities for help. What you're feeling is a normal reaction to his unfair, hurtful, selfish and completely asshole behavior. You are a normal and caring person and normal people hurt when they're attacked, but maybe your depression is just too much to handle by yourself. Talk to your doctor.


cheerless posted 5/8/2013 09:10 AM


I'm sorry you're going through hell. I understand about wanting to crawl into bed and wake up "when it's over." You're head and heart are trying to process a senseless and preventable trauma.

The questions, the lack of appetite, not being able to smile or think clearly are all part of it.

The anger phase will hit you. Use it to your advantage--180 if you can, serve him D papers, close up the bakery. Don't even let him peek through the glass. He know what's there.

You are his W but he's treating you like a fall-back option. Do you have a support system you can employee to borrow strength from?

Any way you can take a few days elsewhere in New Eng and go completely NC? He doesn't need to know your plans, much like he kept his plans and activities from you.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It just sucks.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/8/2013 09:14 AM

I have to agree with talking to a physician and getting on something for your depression. I started meds on Friday, depression and anxiety, and I have to tell you, the anxiety med is making life a tad bit more tolerable but I'm still waiting for the depression med to kick in. I too just want to lay around and do nothing and I'm over 5 months into it. My WH won't give up contact with the OW so I'm hit with the hurt and disappointment at least on a weekly basis. Please know we are all here for you! Sending hugs your way and praying your days get better!

PeaceLove187 posted 5/8/2013 09:36 AM

Okay and sorry--I went back and read a few of your posts and see that you have some meds but they're not specifically for depression. There is no way to make this stop hurting but I've always found action to be therapeutic. Get your body moving and I'd suggest a weight lifting program, as in shoving his stuff into plastic bags and lifting those into the garage or the porch or wherever you usually put the trash. He is letting the primitive lizard part of his brain control his actions and the healthiest thing you could do is just say no. No, you're not going to let his stinking thinking mess with your head. No, you're not going to allow him to treat you like dirt. NO! What a mother-f*cking asshole.

A tornado just came into your life and rearranged everything you thought you knew to be true. Well, that happened. Identify your options (and reconciliation doesn't appear to be one of them at the moment) and envision yourself happy in one of those options. Maybe it's living by yourself and being fabulously happy with your hobbies and your friends. Maybe it's finding a new husband who treats you as you should be treated, and the most scientific research I've found says that 80% of husbands do not cheat on their wives, so odds are great that your next man will be a good one. Maybe it's upgrading your career and being awesome in it. You can do that and you don't need him. Really, look at the man he is being right now--do you really want that back?

Maybe he will come out of his fog and stop listening to the lizard part of his brain or maybe not. Many of us have found that the ONLY way to make that happen is to give up on the marriage. As long as he has two women with wide open arms, he'll stay happily in his state of confusion. Close your arms and he'll be forced to choose. But really, you should close your arms to him so that they're free to hug yourself. Screw him. There's a great future for you and you need to envision it and then go make it happen.

And yes, I know that's so easy to say from two years out and so hard to do in the moment, but the faster you can get there the healthier you will be.

Jada52 posted 5/8/2013 11:35 AM

So sorry savvy. I think this feeling comes and goes or it does for me anyway. I do not want my WH to leave but I am trying to get to a state of mind that I can let go. It will work out how it is supposed to in the end, but I honestly love this man and do not want it to end. I understand how you feel, don't be too hard on yourself.

savvy posted 5/8/2013 11:35 AM

Thanks everyone-
Its always good to hear from people who know what it feels like. I did go to doc today and she is increasing my paxil to see if it helps, we will see. I think the thing I am most afraid of is spending my life alone, I know I have family and friends, but I like having a significant other. I'm so afraid of not finding that again, of being the single one all the time.

justabrokendream posted 5/8/2013 11:39 AM

this may sound like small solace - but it is better to be alone with yourself than alone with someone else.

Eventually the disrespect from the other wears at and destroys one's soul.

lost100 posted 5/8/2013 12:02 PM

I wish I could wave a magic wand and take the pain away for you, me and all of us suffering the pain of betrayal. I know they say what does not kill you makes you stronger but I just wish that day would come when the pain abates. Frozen in grief

tushnurse posted 5/8/2013 12:24 PM


I know many people here know exactly the way you are feeling.
Why are you afraid to be alone? What is bad about that? Seriously. You need to examine this. Sometimes our fears are more of the unknown, that of anything real.

The way I look at it, may be a bit jaded because I have teens, and a spouse that physically is limited in his ability to help me at times.
But heck being alone would be awesome I think.
You do what you want when you want, and don't have to account for anyone other than yourself.

No more worries about cooking, doing laundry, cleaning, and so forth. My house would stay about 99% cleaner if those other 3 humans didn't live there. I wouldn't have to drop what I want to do, all the time to meet their needs.
I could read all night if I chose to and wouldn't get grumbled at for having the light on. I could go fishing after work, if it was a great day for it, because I didn't have to be home for them.

Anyway I am sure this may seem trivial, but really being alone can be a great thing.

What do you gain if he comes back in his current state of mind? Certainly not the loving respectful spouse that you deserve should you choose to have one.

((((and strength))))

Hoops posted 5/8/2013 12:26 PM

Which is realy worse, spending your life alone or spending it with someone who you will never trust again and may have a repeat performance of the past?

At least alone you can do your own things, make your own choices, evict liars and cheaters from your life, and be available to meet someone who would treat you right if your paths should cross. But they will never cross if you stay with someone just to avoid being alone.

Life for me is 100% better and I found being alone to be far better then in a bad/marginal relationship once I got out.

annb posted 5/8/2013 13:52 PM

savvy, slow down a bit and breathe.

Your D-Day is so, so recent, don't short sell yourself because of fear.

I think you have made great strides considering the pain you are in. Are you implementing the 180? I think it would help you a bit keeping him at a distance and concentrating on yourself.

There is a great thread in the New Beginnings forum with positive stories, you might want to read what those members have to say.

I cannot imagine how it must feel with your husband sitting on the fence like this, personally, I'd give him a great big push off, but easier said than done.


savvy posted 5/8/2013 15:47 PM

Well something snapped in me today. I let it all out yelling at him how much he is going to loose and has nothing to gain. Including loosing the respect of his children . The fact that he is loosing me who has stood by him through some tough times in his life before we were even married. I just kind of let him have it. I've yelled before but this was different. Weird thing is I have felt much better ever since. I don't know if it will last but right now I feel like who needs this crap. I'm better than that and deserve more!! Hope this lasts.

[This message edited by savvy at 3:48 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

cheerless posted 5/8/2013 16:02 PM

Ahhhh. There is your strength and anger--right under all that grief and confusion.

Good for you savvy. Stay strong. You definitely deserve better.

haleyscomet posted 5/8/2013 16:03 PM

good for u dear!

i think the constant / repeated / consistent disappointment i experienced fueled my anger for the long haul

in other words i think u will be strong / angry as long as he doesn't give you reason to feel otherwise --- and mind you NOT THRU WORDS but through actions

i told mine off 4 weeks and 2 weeks ago when he reached out to me with just words (feeble attempts i thought anyway) and it was emotional and hurt but a week later (just a few days ago) when he text messaged me again i was able to just ignore it and didn't even care to tell him off again.

stay strong hon --- and when ur not steamin' - please take some time to do something to make you feel good / happy. watch a favorite funny show even if its reruns or go try on pretty dresses or shoes u can't afford :)

[This message edited by haleyscomet at 4:04 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

1Faith posted 5/8/2013 17:36 PM

You go girl.

First, you are in mourning. You are hurt. You will feel 1000 emotions within a 2 minute time span.

You want your normal back. You want your pre A life back. You want to be reassured that you are lovable, desirable, needed.

This is human nature so don't beat yourself up over this.

Take a deep breath, say okay I am human - I lost it now I am going to focus and do something that is logically (not emotionally) good for me.

Small victories. Baby steps.

Only time will get you to the place where you will feel confident in your decision whatever it may be.

Love the people who will love you back without conditions - like your children.

You are better than to wait to see what his decision might be.

You are better than an option.

Hang tough. You can do it.

Dawn58 posted 5/9/2013 09:52 AM

Dear Savvy,
So sorry you are here. I can hear and feel your pain. I am a little over 5 months into this nightmare. My emotions are still swinging - pain, betrayal, anger, rage, depression, loneliness.

My anniversary was Sunday and all I want is my life back, the husband I thought I married back. I do not want to deal with attorneys or mediation. I don't want my marriage to be over. Well, the marriage I thought I had. I miss my life, I miss my house and garden, I miss the friends we had (who have just disappeared out of my life). She took my life. I am so angry about that.

There's a part of me that wants him back, but, if he was back in life, could I trust him? He treated me like shit, had so much contempt for me. He lied to me and deceived me for months - I had no idea the affair was going on. He's done this before, with his second wife. Found out he had two affairs with her. So, do I really want a man like that in my life? Do I really want to go through this pain again (because I believe he would do this again). No.

I hate living alone. I miss waking up next to him. I miss his hugs. So, i will grieve that.

At this point, I feel like the pain I feel is me making room for something better. I am pursuing a career that has been my passion my entire life. I hope to find a man that I can truly love and is capable of truly loving me. Not just a narcissistic pig who just uses people to suit their own selfish needs. The cheating pig is a broken man, who is incapable of true love. He puts on a mask and as long as he gets the attention, praise he needs, life is good. The moment you are not there for him (or have the audacity to have a life), he tosses you aside. I want a man who will support me and encourage me to follow my dreams. Not just take care of them. That's not what I want.

Fence sitting is painful. The cheating pig initially told me he wasn't sure what he wanted, but I think that was just BS. I think he got off on watching me sobbing, asking him to give the marriage another chance, give me another chance. I think he made his mind up months ago what he wanted to do. He just wanted to see if Option B was still available. I am no one's option B.

So, I filed for divorce back in January and slowly moving through it. It hurts like hell and I feel like my heart has been ripped out, but I will not live with a man who lies and cheats. No matter how lonely I feel, how sad I feel. I deserve so much more!!!!!! So do you!

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