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It happened again!!!

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luv_lost posted 5/8/2013 10:45 AM

Argh. Hi everyone, I'm back after a long hiatus where I thought my relationship with my DH was pretty well mended and moving forward in a positive fashion. Guess that wasn't how he thought it was going.

I began to grow suspicious in March. He would be more secretive and disappear to other rooms in the house for long periods of time...talking to her. Granted, this time it was a long-distance affair as she lives in FL and it was limited to calls, texts, messages which became more and more sexually explicit.

He told me she initiated contact, that of course, it started out completely innocent and platonic. Do I believe this? Not sure. When I knew who she was and everytime he or his friends talked about her, it was that she was a conniving whore. So, whatever, then he told me she began to tell him she liked him all along, had fantasies about him, wanted to be with him, blah. He claims he told her that couldn't happen as he was married to me and we had two children together. Notice he didn't say, how he loved his wife and wanted to be with me. So...supposedly, she threatened to tell me about the sexually explicit conversations and start trouble with us ("so I would divorce him") and that is the reason why he continued talking to her though he said he knew it was wrong. I'm calling crap but from what I heard about her, this could possibly be true. Anyway, he went through great lengths to hide his deceit and lied to my face. They even had a nice long conversation on the phone and many texts to and from on the day of our one year wedding anniversary!!!! wtf?! He said that she got upset and pissed when he told her that he was taking me, his wife, out for dinner that night for our anniversary. Oh and while this was all going on, I was having medical problems and some PTSD related issues and he sat me down and said "you can trust me, tell me what is hurting you, tell me what is causing you this pain." Mind you, the PTSD stems from a horribly abusive relationship and a matter relating to it, happens to be ALL OVER THE NEWS right now, hence the flashbacks/issues I was having at the time!! So I broke down and told him my deepest darkest secrets about that time. Things I never wanted any other human to know that had happened to me. I trusted him. He was my husband and I felt after 8 1/2 years of struggling to build a solid relationship, I could tell him. What a schmuck I was! He was so stupid. Oh one other thing. The Friday before DDay2 he was pissed at me and badgering me about talking to a male friend (yes, this friend is an old, OLD ex of mine - from high school!) of mine (it was a completely platonic conversation, regarding him buying a specific car and I chatted with his mother)! He said he had been having nightmares that I would leave him for that guy. This cemented it for me. I started digging and found out about the whore.

Now he says he wants to make it work. He will change and be a better man for me and our family. I can't believe him or trust him. I don't think I ever will. My emotions are ALL over the place. Right now, all I want is a divorce and him gone but I don't want to hurt our boys and deep down, I do still love him. I feel so torn, so betrayed. UGH! Thanks for listening!

[This message edited by luv_lost at 11:14 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

LonelyBH posted 5/8/2013 12:27 PM

I'm sorry your back here. I can't offer much advice as I havnt been here very long, but I know that betrayed feeling you have very well. My ws was unfaithful to me more than once before real dday and tricked me everytime into believing what she wanted me to believe and I did it. Those conflicting emotions you speak of are tough, imo one of the toughest things about this. During our separation I struggled with those really bad, but I needed it. I got to a point where I realized I don't need her. If I wanted to leave her I could, and now she knows if she is unfaithful again I'm gone. Your husband needs to believe that you won't put up with his selfish dustructive poop, and if it continues he will see you with someone else making you happy. I know the weird crazy love we bs have for our ws makes it hard to leave, and children make things much more complicated, but make sure that you take care of yourself.
I'm glad to hear he is remorseful about what he has done, that is a good start, and he is very lucky your considering to be with him, hopefully he finds many ways to show you that. I'm sorry your here.

Edit: does he seem truly remorseful?

[This message edited by LonelyBH at 12:29 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

luv_lost posted 5/8/2013 12:40 PM

You know? It *seems* he is truly remorseful but then again, I doubt everything he says - is it an act? is it because he knows if I kick him to the curb he has nothing? or does he truly deep down love me and his own character flaws and this need for attention is what drives his bad behaviour? I just don't know. He is looking at IC's right now through our insurance and hopefully he goes through with it. I said I would not go to MC until he starts working on his own issues.

It's hard enough having severe trust issues from my PTSD, but when I felt I could truly let him in and open up to him, he was engaging in this inappropriate relationship! And that instant my wall went right back up, and I am on full alert.


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