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Seems like he will never change

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miamom08 posted 5/8/2013 11:43 AM

Hi, this is my first time posting. I can't really say when my Dday was because according to my boyfriend of 6 years he has never actually cheated on me. We have a 5 year old DD which is why I can't just cut ties and leave. Last November I found out my BF was trying to meet women to have sex on various websites like CL and different hookup sites. It was the worst feeling I have ever had. He said he had never met with any of the women but I did find several emails that were disgusting. After a lot of tears we decided to work things out. I still have major trust issues that I have been trying to deal with on my own but was having no luck so I decided I would talk to a counselor. I felt like he was really trying but I couldn't move past it. He said he would do anything he could to help .

Let me also say that he works nights and I work days so its very hard to find time for "us". Anyways, yesterday he had a couple beers with friends before I got home and was asleep by the time I got home. I looked at hos phone and found that he was sexting with some woman. I copied the number and txt her bit she said she didn't know what I was talking about. Yea right! When he woke up to go to work I confronted him. All he could say was he was sorry and that she is nobody. After a little more crying (on my part) he told me she was someone he used to sleep with before we met. We are going to talk today when I get off work.

This kind of stuff has been happening since we have been together. First it started out with calls to singles hotlines. It just seems like every time I catch him he is one step closer to actual intercourse. I don't know that he hasn't cheated on me. He says no but I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I am just looking for a little guidance. Thanks

Tiredofthepain posted 5/8/2013 11:51 AM

First off let me say how sorry I am that you find yourself here

I am not saying this to be mean, but I would not believe for one minute that he hasn't hooked up with these women.

You say he was doing hotline stuff before you met? Well, my SAWS was doing 900 calls before we met, after we met, then cyber sex, then years of serious porn and then his SA escalated to him physically cheating on me with hookers.

My point is, this seems to be a pattern with your BF and you need to really step up your investigative skills.
Try to do it without saying anything to him, which I know is hard to do, but you need to find more evidence so you can properly confront him.
On the slim chance that he hasn't actually slept with these women, his actions are beyond inappropriate.

Sorry you are here but this is a great place for support and advice.

cosmicjoke posted 5/8/2013 12:09 PM

Sorry ((MM08)). If he said he would
'do anything' to help you move past it, then what has he done, exactly..?? It sure doesn't sound like 'doing anything' includes 'doing it all over again'...

Sorry to say that it I would not be surprised if he has already cheated. Trust your gut and trust it ABOVE ALL- including what he says. Your gut is your friend. Talk is cheap, words sound good but ultimately they mean nothing if they are not proven with consistent actions. And cheaters use words to manipulate.. to keep you where they want you, so they can continue doing what they want and have you too. They use your trust against you. Be aware of this.
And unfortunately.. they love it when YOU go to counseling- because it keeps the spotlight off them. You are the one trying to figure out what is wrong with you, and them, and trying to fix the rela.... trying to fix your own depression and confusion... while they just go along their merry way doing what they want. It's the perfect ploy for them- YOU'RE in counseling, so YOU must be the troubled one, right..?
And sadly... it seems that most counselors will continue seeing you and letting you talk about it all, trying to figure out the mess of your life- but rarely will they look you in the eye and say- Do you think your partner may be cheating on you (or, has he)....?? THIS is the most important question you need an answer to, that could save a lot of wasted time and agony. (and money!). Often you could cut through ALL the BS and confusion in your life if you just knew this one simple fact. Or at least you'd know the truth about what you are dealing with, so you could continue therapy with eyes wide open.
Another thing-- night work can be extra dangerous. Is it a bar/rest/nightclub..? If so- especially. Think of all the booze flowing, all the broken people out late at night looking for trouble. I mean there's plenty of people cheating at their day jobs. But night jobs seem to have a higher 'low-life' factor. And if you have opposite schedules- this is extra tricky. Easier for your mate to avoid you or build a secret parallel/ compartmentalized life. Especially if you're busy with a new baby.. how convenient (..for him!).
I don't know why these behaviors seem to be so common and predictable.. but the more I learn, the more it seems they do.

Just some things to think about. (that I sure wish someone had told me.) Hopefully it's not this bad in your case. But just BE AWARE.

annb posted 5/8/2013 13:38 PM

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you are now a member of this club.

Please get tested for STDs asap. I, too, do not believe he has not met up with any of these women...his betraying behavior has been going on way too long.

Have you read the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner. Chock full of information that will help you process all of this.


miamom08 posted 5/8/2013 14:58 PM

Thanks for all of you'lls advice. I will get tested asap. I think the worst part of this is that no matter how many times I ask him to just explain it to me, he says he can't. How am I supposed to start to heal if I don't understand.

We did talk when I got home and I told him I had 2 conditions if I was going to try to make it work. #1- he has to stop drinking completely. It seems like everytime this happens, alcohol was involved and #2- that he go see a sex addiction therapist. He agreed to both but said he doesnt believe in therapy but will do it for us.

I told him that we have tried to work through stuff on our own and now going to try a thereapist so if this doesnt work then I'm leaving. Thanks again everyone

haleyscomet posted 5/8/2013 17:05 PM

so sorry for what ur going thru

i too discovered mine texting and he too said it was someone he used to know/sleep with before he met me

which makes it worse because since they did it before... u know they enjoy eachother

this sucks

please don't go by anything he says

only thing that matters is what he does

going to therapy is an action but he COULD just sit there and play along and say the right things....

and mine was an alcoholic -- i hope urs isn't --- my WWXBF didn't even fathom trying to stop....

he works nights -- how will u know he's not drinking?

watch him like a hawk - but don't put him on guard/notice that ur checking up on him or he'll just hide things better

let him think ur taking his word for things but believe only what u can verify

best wishes and hugs dear

Titanium posted 5/8/2013 17:26 PM

After 24 years and 2 affairs that i know off i have discovered my .WS has a very disgusting appetite for porn, online sex stuff and i am still not sure if he his trying to rekindle the latest affair. He has taken me to he'll and back. I don't trust him one bit anymore. He is filthy clever liar and i am now trying to decide whether to kick him to the kerb and have a better life. My opinion is get rid of him. Harsh i know. I am sorry for saying this but he is a liar with serious issues. He will keep hurting you. He has cheated. He is cheating with this online crap . Get more info. Kermit to yourself and you will soon see his pattern. Someone who loves you should not treat you this way. He is extremely selfish and having his cake and eating me on that one! I am living proof. Be strong and put yourself first. He doesn't deserve you. Have the last laugh. There's no fixing men like this. Hugs to you.

haleyscomet posted 5/10/2013 00:56 AM

My opinion is get rid of him. Harsh i know. I am sorry for saying this but he is a liar with serious issues. He will keep hurting you.

I hear ya.

It took me months to finally decide and now that I'm away from mine, I only wish I had left quicker: (a) I would've spared myself a couple of months additional pain (b) He would not have gotten away with cake-eating for a couple of months (c) I would be a couple of months further along in my healing process.

Of course hindsight is always 20/20.

sparklingwater posted 5/10/2013 05:45 AM

Such a shock finding out your partner is doing this sort of disgusting crap isn't it. My bf, like yours, was on CL and a variety of sites and I was totally blind-sighted about this. He also has alcohol issues and this doesn't help with anything.

Mine also totally denied any physical contact and from all the evidence I found I did believe him about this. He also couldn't give me a satisfactory answer as to why he was engaging in such behavior, just saying it is an online thing and not really him, and that he just liked to see peoples reactions to him. Blah, whatevs...

I'm not married to him and don't have children with him, so needed to end the relationship with him. It seems it is a long term behavior problem with him and I'm not willing to spend the next decades checking his online activity. He has crossed my boundaries.

Ladyogilvy posted 5/10/2013 09:58 AM

Alcohol causes people to become sociopaths. I caught my WH cheating the same month he totaled his sports car and was arrested for DUI. Who knows how long he'd been unfaithful before that. He lied and lied and lied. He did quit drinking with the help of antabuse pills and a breathalyzer at home. He should have been in treatment, away from our family where he caused more damage getting sober than when he was a full blown drunk. After a year of sobriety, he is a completely different person but he still is not the husband I had hoped for. Not worth having put my children and myself through hell for while sticking with him through his recovery process. What's worse, I am not the same person I was. I am angrier, cynical, pessimistic, intolerant, depressed... I know I have to get my shit together without counting on WH to become a good husband. I want to say don't make the same mistakes I did but I also know it's complicated. If you throw him out and tell him not to come back until he gets help, you can't keep an eye on him and even know if he is getting help. If you stay with him, you have to confront the possibility of a long, drawn out processor of recovery on his part that may put your recovery on hold or even damage you further. You're kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't. Hopefully you can find a better way of handling things than I did. But make no mistake, he is cheating on you and he's doing it with someone he's had a long term relationship with. Even if it's IRL sex, phone sex or online sex, it is still sex. He has to cut this person out of his life forever. They are both disrespecting you and your marriage.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 10:03 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

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