Let me also say that he works nights and I work days so its very hard to find time for "us". Anyways, yesterday he had a couple beers with friends before I got home and was asleep by the time I got home. I looked at hos phone and found that he was sexting with some woman. I copied the number and txt her bit she said she didn't know what I was talking about. Yea right! When he woke up to go to work I confronted him. All he could say was he was sorry and that she is nobody. After a little more crying (on my part) he told me she was someone he used to sleep with before we met. We are going to talk today when I get off work.
This kind of stuff has been happening since we have been together. First it started out with calls to singles hotlines. It just seems like every time I catch him he is one step closer to actual intercourse. I don't know that he hasn't cheated on me. He says no but I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I am just looking for a little guidance. Thanks
I am not saying this to be mean, but I would not believe for one minute that he hasn't hooked up with these women.
You say he was doing hotline stuff before you met? Well, my SAWS was doing 900 calls before we met, after we met, then cyber sex, then years of serious porn and then his SA escalated to him physically cheating on me with hookers.
My point is, this seems to be a pattern with your BF and you need to really step up your investigative skills.
Try to do it without saying anything to him, which I know is hard to do, but you need to find more evidence so you can properly confront him.
On the slim chance that he hasn't actually slept with these women, his actions are beyond inappropriate.
Sorry you are here but this is a great place for support and advice.
Sorry to say that it I would not be surprised if he has already cheated. Trust your gut and trust it ABOVE ALL- including what he says. Your gut is your friend. Talk is cheap, words sound good but ultimately they mean nothing if they are not proven with consistent actions. And cheaters use words to manipulate.. to keep you where they want you, so they can continue doing what they want and have you too. They use your trust against you. Be aware of this.
And unfortunately.. they love it when YOU go to counseling- because it keeps the spotlight off them. You are the one trying to figure out what is wrong with you, and them, and trying to fix the rela.... trying to fix your own depression and confusion... while they just go along their merry way doing what they want. It's the perfect ploy for them- YOU'RE in counseling, so YOU must be the troubled one, right..?
And sadly... it seems that most counselors will continue seeing you and letting you talk about it all, trying to figure out the mess of your life- but rarely will they look you in the eye and say- Do you think your partner may be cheating on you (or, has he)....?? THIS is the most important question you need an answer to, that could save a lot of wasted time and agony. (and money!). Often you could cut through ALL the BS and confusion in your life if you just knew this one simple fact. Or at least you'd know the truth about what you are dealing with, so you could continue therapy with eyes wide open.
Another thing-- night work can be extra dangerous. Is it a bar/rest/nightclub..? If so- especially. Think of all the booze flowing, all the broken people out late at night looking for trouble. I mean there's plenty of people cheating at their day jobs. But night jobs seem to have a higher 'low-life' factor. And if you have opposite schedules- this is extra tricky. Easier for your mate to avoid you or build a secret parallel/ compartmentalized life. Especially if you're busy with a new baby.. how convenient (..for him!).
I don't know why these behaviors seem to be so common and predictable.. but the more I learn, the more it seems they do.
Just some things to think about. (that I sure wish someone had told me.) Hopefully it's not this bad in your case. But just BE AWARE.
Please get tested for STDs asap. I, too, do not believe he has not met up with any of these women...his betraying behavior has been going on way too long.
Have you read the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner. Chock full of information that will help you process all of this.
We did talk when I got home and I told him I had 2 conditions if I was going to try to make it work. #1- he has to stop drinking completely. It seems like everytime this happens, alcohol was involved and #2- that he go see a sex addiction therapist. He agreed to both but said he doesnt believe in therapy but will do it for us.
I told him that we have tried to work through stuff on our own and now going to try a thereapist so if this doesnt work then I'm leaving. Thanks again everyone
i too discovered mine texting and he too said it was someone he used to know/sleep with before he met me
which makes it worse because since they did it before... u know they enjoy eachother
please don't go by anything he says
only thing that matters is what he does
going to therapy is an action but he COULD just sit there and play along and say the right things....
and mine was an alcoholic -- i hope urs isn't --- my WWXBF didn't even fathom trying to stop....
he works nights -- how will u know he's not drinking?
watch him like a hawk - but don't put him on guard/notice that ur checking up on him or he'll just hide things better
let him think ur taking his word for things but believe only what u can verify
best wishes and hugs dear
My opinion is get rid of him. Harsh i know. I am sorry for saying this but he is a liar with serious issues. He will keep hurting you.
I hear ya.
It took me months to finally decide and now that I'm away from mine, I only wish I had left quicker: (a) I would've spared myself a couple of months additional pain (b) He would not have gotten away with cake-eating for a couple of months (c) I would be a couple of months further along in my healing process.
Of course hindsight is always 20/20.
Mine also totally denied any physical contact and from all the evidence I found I did believe him about this. He also couldn't give me a satisfactory answer as to why he was engaging in such behavior, just saying it is an online thing and not really him, and that he just liked to see peoples reactions to him. Blah, whatevs...
I'm not married to him and don't have children with him, so needed to end the relationship with him. It seems it is a long term behavior problem with him and I'm not willing to spend the next decades checking his online activity. He has crossed my boundaries.
There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 10:03 AM, May 10th (Friday)]