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Infidelity - the blessing in disquise

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Gomphus posted 5/8/2013 12:10 PM

I don't post much. I just wanted to share a recent discovery. I never thought I'd say it, but divorcing someone you shouldn't be with is a blessing. It's truly an offering from the universe to improve your life. I had no idea. Once the pain, grief, and self absorbance passed I was open to the idea that the infidelity was just a symptom of a greater problem. Let's face it, good, solid marriages do not often change abruptly into an environment for affairs. Sure, some of our partners experienced an abrupt, sudden change and I feel extra bad for those folks - but really, whether the BS knew it or not, something was up before we 'found out'. Some may reconcile and good for them. others, like me, gain an opportunity. I have done the work to dig into myself and see what my 'flaws' were. How I contributed to the state of my marriage. Sure, to me it seemed great. But much of this was just plain hope. I just wanted my marriage to work and turned a blind eye, unconsciously, to making it work. I just hoped it would all work out. Call it communication, motivation, whatever - I wasn't doing it. WE weren't doing it. I didn't know how. I didn't realize it needed work/help/effort. I was a conflict avoider/people pleaser. I was complacent - trusting that, because we were married, everything would be ok. Disney, anyone?

So with TIME (T I M E) and a lot of digging, IC, and effort, I learned what I was doing 'wrong' that was not helpful to maintaining a good marriage. I wasn't asserting my needs. I accepted an unsatisfying sex life. I took on too much of the parental/nurturing role. I dug myself into a hole I could not escape from and became a doormat who was difficult to love. Sure, I did it 'for my marriage' - but it was the wrong strategy for a long term relationship. I LEARNED THAT!! And maybe I won't do it next time - this time:)

And I did (and do) a lot of other stuff wrong, too. I dated early, I drank a lot - but I came through it with little damage to myself or others. I followed the light of healing and arrived at acceptance. I didn't even know I had until I met someone. Someone who makes me feel silly, someone who makes me think about the future, about what a relationship really is. Someone who helps me see how much I've grown and changed. Someone who reminds me of who I was before I was married.

It's funny. I had to do a lot of solo work. To the point where I was me again. But I didn't realize it until i shared that with someone else. I didn't realize that I was essentially not ready or available to a relationship with the women I dated before (after D). I just thought I was 'broken' or 'scarred'. Shit, scars heal.

And so do we. And true healing lasts forever. And is priceless.

So thank God I got out of something I didn't even know I shouldn't have been in. Cheers to all you survivors!

traicionada posted 5/8/2013 12:18 PM

Cheers! I like to think of it in terms of pruning

Williesmom posted 5/8/2013 12:21 PM

Yep! I never knew that this kind of life was out there waiting for me.

I call it the 2nd life of Williesmom. It's wonderful, and it's mine.

wonderingbull posted 5/8/2013 13:05 PM

Well done my man...

WB

persevere posted 5/8/2013 13:16 PM

Nice post Gomphus!

strugglingmomi4 posted 5/8/2013 14:10 PM

Ahhhh-Mazing Post Gomphus! This experience has been the same for me. It it such an enlightening and wonderful feeling to have reached this point.. the point in knowing that it was a favor done to us in disguise. I like you could not reconcile after two failed long term attempts of doing so. Although, I still feel as though I need to work on learning more about myself and my needs, I am positive that I am in the right direction.

For the most part... I just realize how extremely and amazingly blessed I truly am. So thankful for so many things...

So glad to hear you've taken something so life changing and with time, effort and self healing, you've turned it into a blessing!

SBB posted 5/8/2013 17:18 PM

Absolutely true.

The M was shit long before DD. Probably long before he actually cheated.

I was miserable. For a lot of the same reasons that led him to cheat in the first place. Cold, distant, moody, selfish.

Yet I did everything to hold on. Had he not forced my hand here or had he tried to hold on I doubt I would had had the strength to walk away.

NYE 2011/2012 (two months before DD)I made a resolution that things just had to change in 2012. It didn't happen the way I expected but in many ways it happened in the way it needed to.

You're right. When you're in that hole you miss all the great stuff that is waiting for you in the sunlight. I lost myself in that toxic M and I couldn't see a way out.

It sometimes feels like I got a get out of jail free card.

I've often said that cheating was the kindest thing he did to me in the last 5 years of the M. Sad but true.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 8:18 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Fightingspirit posted 5/16/2013 22:16 PM

...divorcing someone you shouldn't be with is a blessing.

Amen to that!

hurtyetstrong posted 5/16/2013 23:39 PM

This is totally me:

I was a conflict avoider/people pleaser. I was complacent - trusting that, because we were married, everything would be ok. Disney, anyone?

This is also me:
I wasn't asserting my needs. I accepted an unsatisfying sex life. I took on too much of the parental/nurturing role. I dug myself into a hole I could not escape from and became a doormat who was difficult to love.

Thank you for this post. I have not started the D process but am slowly beginning to realize that it is the only option. I've been so afraid of the process ahead of me that I haven't given thought to how much better me and my daughters' lives will be once he's gone.

Dawnie posted 5/17/2013 07:24 AM

I could have written your post! 3 1/2 years ago when this all happened I thought my life had ended.... I was destroyed. Today I look back and feel the same way that you do, it was a blessing in disguise. I never realized how lonely and unhappy I was in my marriage until i was out of it..... "everything happens for a reason"... I live by this now

FaithFool posted 5/17/2013 08:27 AM

Fantastic post! Thanks for the reminder.

nutmegkitty posted 5/17/2013 09:21 AM

**stands up and applauds**

Gomphus, you are spot on.

divorcing someone you shouldn't be with is a blessing. It's truly an offering from the universe to improve your life.

100% yes, ditto.

ninebark posted 5/17/2013 09:30 AM

Great post.

In my case I was becoming more and more the mother figure. I did everything and he did nothing.

I honestly feel that this separation has given me a new outlook on life nad myself. I gained new self awareness, new strength.

Here's to a good future for all of us.

dmari posted 5/17/2013 22:15 PM

Wow! I rarely wander over to NB but I am so happy I did!! I could have written your post! Well almost. I still carry guilt over my children getting hurt and I sometimes feel guilty for being happy, content, joyful, loving life, etc. Thank you so much for sharing!!

FieldsOfLavender posted 5/17/2013 23:34 PM

Gompus, thanks for articulating so well. I agree with you on many points, about rediscovering who I was before I got married. I will be separated soon, and eventually divorced. You are ahead of me. I cry as I reach the "divorce" part of my response. It's not something I ever thought I would be at; I don't come from a family of divorce.

Kajem posted 5/18/2013 21:45 PM

Love this.. thank you.

Helen of Troy posted 5/20/2013 07:41 AM

divorcing someone you shouldn't be with is a blessing. It's truly an offering from the universe to improve your life.

I feel this way too Gomphus. I am glad to be out of that lt marriage, glad to be free, glad to have current SO in my life.
Yet OTOH I am not grateful for the aftershocks like triggers and hypervigilance.

ManBearDivorce posted 5/20/2013 20:59 PM

You couldn't of said anything better. I am almost like you described yourself. Not knowing what XWW was feeling and thinking because you was married, you was married forever. Now I have seen and been through the lessons needed to be great. That I thank my XWW for and that is it. She gave up when I was the lowest, She will not be there when I am my greatest. I don't think they would ever learn the cold hard truth. But we did and we stand tall and we over come that.

BRAVO Brother!!!

Gomphus posted 5/21/2013 17:47 PM

Thanks for the comments and sharing. :)

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