I feel silly for caring so much. WH and I are the only ones of the people our age who haven't been with other people. Having multiple sexual partners is the norm for people our age (20's) so why is it such a big deal for me and other people seem to be fine with having multiple sex partners. I have friends who have random one night stands and it just doesn't phase them. If i left wh i dont think i would be able to find a man to be with who hasnt been with someone else and even if i did then i have been with wh so it still wouldnt be as special kwim?? I'm not religious so that has nothing to do with my feelings about sex. I just wish this wasn't such a big deal to me. It makes me feel stuck, like I can't move on until I figure out how to make this okay.
Ow has been with about 10 guys and is currently living with a new boyfriend and wants nothing to do with WH so I'm sure she isn't sitting around dreaming about being with him anymore then any of the other guys right?
When I really think about it this can bring me to the point of devastated sobbing so I try to push it from my mind. Will I accept this? WH can't change it so I mean I guess I have too.
Sometimes I think if I just went out and had some random one night stand then maybe I wouldn't feel like sex is special anymore but honestly I think that would just make me feel dirty and used and like I sold my soul for nothing.
I've tried talking to WH about this but he doesn't get it. He tells me all sleeping with ow did was show him that I'm all he ever wanted and that he never thinks about her at all. I don't know what he could say to make this better though.
Ughhh why why why WHY did he do this???
[This message edited by Angel177 at 12:42 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]
Your H was your first and only, as was mine. I get what you are struggling with, however you have to know that whatever he had with OW is nothing like the intimacy, and history you two share.
It's not really about the Act, but more about the bond that you have. If you can start to wrap your mind around that on some level it will probably help.
Yes you and I are a rare breed, having only been with one partner in our lives. I know that he was just F'ing the OW, he didn't love her. He just loved the way she made him feel. Important, young, wonderful, whatever.
Believe me it took me a long time to feel like we were having the making love,bonding type sex when we were in R. For a long time for me it was about the feelings of pleasure, and just f'ing that made me able to have sex (which btw opened some new doors and has made it a whole lot more fun and interesting).
I guess I don't understand what they had and that's part of the problem. All I know is what we have.
i had these horrible mind movies. I had this idea in my head of what it was like between them. I imagined this grandiose amazing thing filled with love, passion, intimacy and cosmic connections. It drove me insane. How dare he connect with someone on that level?
Until i started to deconstruct it.....
I started off by asking my WH what some of the things were that he NEVER did with her. Examples included taking a bath with her, they never gave eachother massages, etc. He never brought her flowers or gifts. When i looked at all the small, loving things that he did for me but not for her, it started to put things onto perspective.
THEN....For months, i avoided getting the sexual details from my WH. I mean...its an affair...i get how it works. I didnt need the graphic play by play. And once it has been heard, you cant unhear. BUT i started asking specific questions about things that bothered me that i just felt i HAD to know. Understanding what their encounters were like helped. Most of the time they met for quickies in her van And the very disgusting and gross Motel 6 Thats not the epic passionate image i had in my mind. Its pathetic. and lame. and repulsive. and degrading. and shameful.
Thats NOTHING like the love life i shared with my WH at all. I'm guessing that if you were to deconstruct your WH's affair, you will see that it was nothing like what the 2 of you shared.
Yes, our WH's had sex with another woman. Yes, they gave away what was supposed to be for JUST US, no one else. They took what was supposed to be special and treated it like it was cheap and meaningless. It hurts. it sucks. They destroyed the intimacy and the connection that our marriages were built on. that is a huge betrayal and takes a long time to build back.
But maybe if you can deconstruct it for yourself, it might help. it might put things into a better perspective for you. and as tushnurse says...you will see the difference between sex and making love.
I still struggle with my feeling about it, as i am sure you will for many days to come.
know you arent along. hugs to you.
I talked to WH again about it because of the whole making love vs sex thing and that's what he said too. That it was never, not even one time, like what we have. That if they had a connection even close to what we had then it wouldn't have just fizzled out between them so quickly because it has never fizzled out between us. That his orgasms with her were never as strong as with me. He said he would always want to be having sex with me whether we were together or apart but he doesn't even ever want to see ow again never mind ever touch her again.
I guess I need to focus on the differences and not the few similarities.
I do think we (you guys and us) are atypical couples in this day and age. At one point during this I actually thought if I had other sex partners before wife and I met I would have been somehow been better at this...or at marriage. It was one of my darkest times in my life.
I NOW see that as false..and I am pleased with my decisions regarding my sexual history. It is scary to think about how many people you get exposed to by having sex with someone in their fortys today...simply amazing that my wife is STD free...and I am too.
Being each others firsts and lasts was special...no amount of counseling or anger will change that fact that that was given away by my wife.
I think it is highly likely that a man can just have sex. My feeling is that women generally need a deep connection to have sex. Keep in mind as you read my opinion that I have only my wife as a real life source of what a woman needs to have sex.
This is tough no matter what sex you are experiencing being a BS.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:17 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]
I used to be the only women that knew what that was like and I should have been forever.
I so get this. WH is my only too. Twenty years. I don't have answers, but I feel your pain.
My wife is my third sexual partner, and the only one i have had since I met her over 20 years ago.
Needles to say, that is not true for her. She did things with the OM that she has never done with me. Why? Because she was so messed up that she would do those things.
But, with me she has a marriage, a family, constructive love and sex, and orgasms.
With him she had risky sexual encounters, thrilling because of the taboo and risk....but that was it. In retrospect it was just fucked up behavior.
The mind movies are killing me. MC and IC help. So do anti-depressants.
I keep asking myself the same question. Why, why, why did she do this?
She's told the IC therapist that she was happy in her marriage and had all of the things she wanted.
This is so hard to live with.
He says the remorse and shame of he A keep him from ever thinking about OW. He doesn't want anything to do with her.
Be as that may, it doesn't change a thing. I had to do as Sorow said and find the things that were still ours and special. That helped.
As a side note, I too am AMAZED that H is disease free. OW has been around the bend and back. She openly admitted to ONS with guys from bars to H. He still had unprotected sex Just shows how messed up he was.
Flatlined…I relate to how you feel as well.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:32 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]
All days since d-day have been difficult, but some are almost unbearable.
I'm hoping to have more bad days than unbearable days in the near future.
We're supposedly doing all of the right things in our attempt at recovery, but the pain is still intense.