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Don't know how to get past

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Angel177 posted 5/8/2013 12:37 PM

The fact that ow knows what it's like to be with WH. Lately that's the most devastating part for me. I was his only before this and he is mine so this wasn't something I was supposed to deal with. I hate that she can just close her eyes anytime she wants and know what it's like to have WH inside her or to have him go down on her or to have him look her in the eyes and say I love you. I used to be the only women that knew what that was like and I should have been forever.

I feel silly for caring so much. WH and I are the only ones of the people our age who haven't been with other people. Having multiple sexual partners is the norm for people our age (20's) so why is it such a big deal for me and other people seem to be fine with having multiple sex partners. I have friends who have random one night stands and it just doesn't phase them. If i left wh i dont think i would be able to find a man to be with who hasnt been with someone else and even if i did then i have been with wh so it still wouldnt be as special kwim?? I'm not religious so that has nothing to do with my feelings about sex. I just wish this wasn't such a big deal to me. It makes me feel stuck, like I can't move on until I figure out how to make this okay.

Ow has been with about 10 guys and is currently living with a new boyfriend and wants nothing to do with WH so I'm sure she isn't sitting around dreaming about being with him anymore then any of the other guys right?

When I really think about it this can bring me to the point of devastated sobbing so I try to push it from my mind. Will I accept this? WH can't change it so I mean I guess I have too.

Sometimes I think if I just went out and had some random one night stand then maybe I wouldn't feel like sex is special anymore but honestly I think that would just make me feel dirty and used and like I sold my soul for nothing.

I've tried talking to WH about this but he doesn't get it. He tells me all sleeping with ow did was show him that I'm all he ever wanted and that he never thinks about her at all. I don't know what he could say to make this better though.

Ughhh why why why WHY did he do this???

[This message edited by Angel177 at 12:42 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

tushnurse posted 5/8/2013 14:30 PM

There is a huge difference between SEX and Making Love. That's where I think you are stumbling.

Your H was your first and only, as was mine. I get what you are struggling with, however you have to know that whatever he had with OW is nothing like the intimacy, and history you two share.

It's not really about the Act, but more about the bond that you have. If you can start to wrap your mind around that on some level it will probably help.

Yes you and I are a rare breed, having only been with one partner in our lives. I know that he was just F'ing the OW, he didn't love her. He just loved the way she made him feel. Important, young, wonderful, whatever.
Believe me it took me a long time to feel like we were having the making love,bonding type sex when we were in R. For a long time for me it was about the feelings of pleasure, and just f'ing that made me able to have sex (which btw opened some new doors and has made it a whole lot more fun and interesting).

(((and strength))))

Angel177 posted 5/8/2013 15:07 PM

I keep trying to tell myself that no matter how he thinks he felt about her (he thought he loved her now he says he doesn't think he did) there is no way they could have had the connection we have after almost 10 years in 3 months. Sometimes that helps to make it feel special again but not the same kind of special.

I guess I don't understand what they had and that's part of the problem. All I know is what we have.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 5/8/2013 15:23 PM

i completely understand how you are feeling. I have the exact same feelings. exact. it is devastating in multiple ways. And you are NOT NOT NOT silly for caring so much. It is a very real and valid feeling...a feeling that i think most BS's feel. you are not alone.

i had these horrible mind movies. I had this idea in my head of what it was like between them. I imagined this grandiose amazing thing filled with love, passion, intimacy and cosmic connections. It drove me insane. How dare he connect with someone on that level?

Until i started to deconstruct it.....

I started off by asking my WH what some of the things were that he NEVER did with her. Examples included taking a bath with her, they never gave eachother massages, etc. He never brought her flowers or gifts. When i looked at all the small, loving things that he did for me but not for her, it started to put things onto perspective.

THEN....For months, i avoided getting the sexual details from my WH. I mean...its an affair...i get how it works. I didnt need the graphic play by play. And once it has been heard, you cant unhear. BUT i started asking specific questions about things that bothered me that i just felt i HAD to know. Understanding what their encounters were like helped. Most of the time they met for quickies in her van And the very disgusting and gross Motel 6 Thats not the epic passionate image i had in my mind. Its pathetic. and lame. and repulsive. and degrading. and shameful.

Thats NOTHING like the love life i shared with my WH at all. I'm guessing that if you were to deconstruct your WH's affair, you will see that it was nothing like what the 2 of you shared.

Yes, our WH's had sex with another woman. Yes, they gave away what was supposed to be for JUST US, no one else. They took what was supposed to be special and treated it like it was cheap and meaningless. It hurts. it sucks. They destroyed the intimacy and the connection that our marriages were built on. that is a huge betrayal and takes a long time to build back.

But maybe if you can deconstruct it for yourself, it might help. it might put things into a better perspective for you. and as tushnurse will see the difference between sex and making love.

I still struggle with my feeling about it, as i am sure you will for many days to come.

know you arent along. hugs to you.

Angel177 posted 5/8/2013 19:47 PM

Thanks, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

I talked to WH again about it because of the whole making love vs sex thing and that's what he said too. That it was never, not even one time, like what we have. That if they had a connection even close to what we had then it wouldn't have just fizzled out between them so quickly because it has never fizzled out between us. That his orgasms with her were never as strong as with me. He said he would always want to be having sex with me whether we were together or apart but he doesn't even ever want to see ow again never mind ever touch her again.

I guess I need to focus on the differences and not the few similarities.

blakesteele posted 5/8/2013 20:15 PM

BH here...wife and I were each others firsts too. I know exactly what you are talking about with how the OM can close his eyes and imagine how my wife felt, looked, sounded as he savored what was to be between only my wife and I.

I do think we (you guys and us) are atypical couples in this day and age. At one point during this I actually thought if I had other sex partners before wife and I met I would have been somehow been better at this...or at marriage. It was one of my darkest times in my life.

I NOW see that as false..and I am pleased with my decisions regarding my sexual history. It is scary to think about how many people you get exposed to by having sex with someone in their fortys today...simply amazing that my wife is STD free...and I am too.

Being each others firsts and lasts was amount of counseling or anger will change that fact that that was given away by my wife.

I think it is highly likely that a man can just have sex. My feeling is that women generally need a deep connection to have sex. Keep in mind as you read my opinion that I have only my wife as a real life source of what a woman needs to have sex.

This is tough no matter what sex you are experiencing being a BS.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:17 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

want2bbetter posted 5/9/2013 01:01 AM

I used to be the only women that knew what that was like and I should have been forever.

I so get this. WH is my only too. Twenty years. I don't have answers, but I feel your pain.

standinghere posted 5/9/2013 03:29 AM

Sorrowbhindsmile has it right.

My wife is my third sexual partner, and the only one i have had since I met her over 20 years ago.

Needles to say, that is not true for her. She did things with the OM that she has never done with me. Why? Because she was so messed up that she would do those things.

But, with me she has a marriage, a family, constructive love and sex, and orgasms.

With him she had risky sexual encounters, thrilling because of the taboo and risk....but that was it. In retrospect it was just fucked up behavior.

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/9/2013 04:51 AM

You shouldn't feel silly. I feel exactly the same way.

The mind movies are killing me. MC and IC help. So do anti-depressants.

I keep asking myself the same question. Why, why, why did she do this?

She's told the IC therapist that she was happy in her marriage and had all of the things she wanted.

This is so hard to live with.

Flatlined123 posted 5/9/2013 05:07 AM

We were onlies until the affair. It's funny, because I think about it the opposite way. I hate the fact that H knows what it's like to be with someone else. What it's like to touch, feel, be inside and orgasm with someone else.

He says the remorse and shame of he A keep him from ever thinking about OW. He doesn't want anything to do with her.

Be as that may, it doesn't change a thing. I had to do as Sorow said and find the things that were still ours and special. That helped.

As a side note, I too am AMAZED that H is disease free. OW has been around the bend and back. She openly admitted to ONS with guys from bars to H. He still had unprotected sex Just shows how messed up he was.

blakesteele posted 5/9/2013 05:31 AM

Feelingsomuch…I totally get what you are saying...our MC and IC sessions are revealing very similar details so far…my wife just mildly disgruntled and unsatisfied in our M (nothing even medium or strongly repulsive or uncomfortable to her, and an even smaller part of that has to do with me, it has much more to do with her)..I keep thinking there has to be some pretty big discontented feelings within my wife for her to chose to do this….my counselor has repeatedly said that sometimes strong feelings of discontentment, resentment and anger are present, but more often then not they are NOT. I can tell that you and I are struggling accepting this fact.

Flatlined…I relate to how you feel as well.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:32 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/10/2013 17:59 PM

Hi Blakesteele,

All days since d-day have been difficult, but some are almost unbearable.

I'm hoping to have more bad days than unbearable days in the near future.

We're supposedly doing all of the right things in our attempt at recovery, but the pain is still intense.

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