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DaVille posted 5/8/2013 12:37 PM

So here I am. This is what happened to me. I was looking through my husband's phone at his pictures and came across one of an unknown female. She was holding a written sign. The picture was so small that I couldn't read it. So I texted it to my phone. Then I deleted the message from his phone. The picture was of a pretty young girl whom I could tell was a waitress in some sort of bar. She also had on a pin on name badge thingee. The sign said "Hey 'H's name' wish you were here."
OMG! I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.
Looking back, the only 2 things out of the ordinary were that he didn't give me flowers on Valentines day for the first time in years. And several months back, I remember that he mentioned a waitress that he and some of his work buddies were friends with. They go there to eat during work hours some days. He talked about how stupid her decisions were about how she spent her money, and it was probably because she was so immature. The thing is, is that I don't remember what else he said, because I wasn't paying attention. His behavior hasn't varied in any other way. I haven't directly confronted him about the picture, so he doesn't know that I know about it. The name on the badge is distorted, so I can't read it. But I think I may know who it is, after some research. But the picture is the only thing I have. I have access to the cell phone bill. All numbers called, texted. I don't, however, have access to his work email.
Any thoughts?

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/8/2013 12:57 PM

Well, this COULD possibly be nothing more than a gal that's friendly with him, although her having his cell phone number is a red flag.

I'd make sure to write her number down and go through the last couple years of phone bills to see whether her number shows up at other times and/or if it shows up with alarming regularity.

I wouldn't confront just yet - you don't have enough solid evidence and he'll surely find a way to dispel anything you might suspect.

Bide your time...collect your evidence.

DaVille posted 5/8/2013 13:07 PM

IF I have the right girl, her number has changed 2 or 3 times. She posts a LOT of stuff publicly on social media. I haven't, as of yet, found any of them on the bill. I couldn't even find a text sent on the date corresponding to the properties of the picture data!!
His job consists of a lot of spare time. Idol hands.......

OneFootForward posted 5/8/2013 13:22 PM

I am sorry you had to find this place but I am glad you did.

My suggestion is to dig. Every dollar of effort will earn interest when you finally confront him. See if you can figure out the dive by bank statements or credit card receipts. Check phone logs, etc. If you can discover the dive, then go there. See if you can figure out who she is. Go in, get a cup of joe, be nice, get her name. You can even try to get her last name with some social jiving. She comes up and says, "I am Karen, and I will be your server." You come back I am "Karen...." and give a long pause for the last name. Then introduce yourself as Hadley Hemingway. Pay with cash and leave a big tip. Be nice, leave. Camp out and get the tags and description of her vehicle. Take some pics with your phone. I am not saying follow her though. Find out the zip codes in your area. The google search her name with that zip code and she if anything pops. If you find yourself in the area, swing by and check to see if her car is present. If so, take more pics. Go find the name of a brutal or well known lawyer in your town.

Go get all the prints developed on BIG glossy, black and white 5x7s or 8x11s. Put them in a manilla envelope. Go take out a large chunk of cash. If you can't bluff, dont say much. Just throw down the pictures, the text logs and press. If you can play poker, get your face on. Confront him with the facts and then say the PI came up with some good photos but the juicy ones will cost more. Be dramatic, be ticked but cool. The PI will take the cash and drop them off at the lawyers office as promised. If you don't think a lawyer will scare him, then just say they will be uploaded to social media for maximum impact.

Ok, why Hadley. Hadley Hemingway WAS Earnet Hemingway's wife and the name points toward an affair that did happen. It was detailed briefly in his novel "A Moveable Feast." I just think it funny she is a waitress and you may find some irony in using fiction to sort our your own facts

cosmicjoke posted 5/9/2013 01:33 AM

One thing I've learned.... always, always ALWAYS perk up your ears and PAY ATTENTION when you hear any female's name that your spouse knows. You are getting fair warning of something that could happen in the future. Or when you meet someone he works with. Watch their body language. Let them both know you ARE paying attention. Or ANY other females within your (or your H's) sphere. Do not let anything or anyone slip under the radar-- EVER. Keep your eyes & ears open, ask questions. Don't ever assume anyone is just a 'friend' or acquaintance. Doesn't matter if they're married or attached or whatever. Doesn't mater if your H puts them down or tries to say they're dumb, ugly, boring, immature, a mess, whatever. None of that means anything. Actually a lot of guys seem to go for chicks like this anyway. When people think you're not paying attention, they see that as a green light and take advantage of it.

In your case, it COULD be nothing.. however the thing of him going to the same place drinking with buddies is not necessarily a good sign. Could be innocent, but it's also how some of these things start. The booze, and the familiarity, and guys encouraging/ reinforcing bad-guy behavior with each other.. when there's a young female around, probably acting flirty for the sake of the business. Bad combination. Do some more digging, or tell him you'd love to have lunch with him one day. If there's nothing to hide, then why not? Then you can get an idea of the situation.

DaVille posted 5/9/2013 10:15 AM

You're right about paying attention Cosmicjoke. I've learned my lesson about that. My H let me take his phone to the house last night while he was working outside. He had sent a text to a mutual friend of ours and was expecting a call back. He told me to take the phone so I could answer. Well now..... Hmmmmm. I took it to the house, checked. Picture STILL there. It's like he has forgotten it's there. Then he left the phone on the counter all night long unattended.. It seems almost like he's testing me. I definitely will be paying more attention.

DaVille posted 5/9/2013 10:55 AM

Or maybe I get overly excited and read too much into this.. One thing for sure, I haven't been paying attention.

mainlyinpain posted 5/9/2013 11:20 AM

The picture is inappropriate. Her having his cell number is inappropriate. He is not respecting you or the boundaries of a marriage. This woman should not be "missing" your husband know. You don't like it and even if this is the extent of everything...he knows you wouldn't like this. Gather more information....I didn't and will forever wish I did before I confronted him. Put a VAR in his car to catch conversations. Yes, go to lunch with him at this bar...when you know she will be there. You will be able to tell the vibes between them. I am confused, you said you deleted the message but that the picture is still there? Nip this in the bud if it hasn't already flowered.
((hugs)) to you to give you strength.

DaVille posted 5/9/2013 11:38 AM

When I found the picture in his phone, I sent the picture to myself in a text from his phone. Then I deleted the sent text from his phone so he wouldn't know.
Mainlyinpain, that's a great piece of advice about going to lunch with the H when she's working, so I can see what the vibes are between them.

Ashland13 posted 5/9/2013 20:34 PM

CosmicJoke is spot on.

After Perv left home and before DDay, he spent time doing some things for neighbors who had moved, taking care of their house and such.

Something that I noted that I had not when he lived at home was that he constantly mentioned the names of girls...this was a semi-large family with several girls there and for some reason he seemed to keep saying their names. It was very strange, to me.

He also speaks frequently-or used to-of our neighbor and will say her name periodically. It's so odd to suspect him at every turn now, but his actions and all the crap caused that.

Just wanted to make note of the good comment about "pay attention".

Another red flag in that regard is that Perv was looking at women out in public for our entire married life and it escalated really badly during false R, but I would wonder if he was looking in crowds for OW, as he cheated on me with her.

Good luck DaVille. I'm glad you are suspicious, it will surely keep you on your toes and I'm glad you aren't sounding naive or in a fog or anything about WH. Very daring to have lunch there with him, but a good point as well.

I confronted Perv on the phone because my nerves got the better of me and finally when the lies ended, I apparently screamed in his ear and he dropped the phone.

I wish you well.

Ashland13 posted 5/9/2013 20:36 PM

Correction: as he cheated on her with me.

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