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Newest Member: Ibelieved (46047)

User Topic: ons turned affair?
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading here since I first found out about my WH so I figure it's time to jump in. To start, my husband and I had an amazing marriage. We were the couple other people who were having trouble came to. I never imagined this could be us, especially not at this point in our lives. My husband came home 3 days before our 12th anniversary and told me he was in trouble. That he had just come from apologizing to another man for what he had done with his wife. And my world shattered. WH is in the military and was in another state for training. They had gone out drinking as a group and were meet up with some other people they worked with. OW came up to him and told him she had been watching him for a year and wanted him. He brushed her off and she told him her room was next to his at their hotel and why didn't she stop by. He brushed her off again. Until this night he had never spoken to her. Well he went to his room and she knocked on his door and he let her in. He was drunk. Can not explain how he got himself in the position. Why he didn't say no. Why he didn't ask her to leave. He just tells me he wasn't thinking. Afterwards he shoved her out the door and was so disgusted with himself he couldn't sleep. He told her the next day it wasn't happening again. And she got pissed. WH says he panicked. He outranks her and if she told his career/life was over. So he says he caved until he could convince her. She would try to meet up with him and he would say no, nows not good until she would get mad and then he would agree and they would meet for sex. WH says he had to force himself. Over a span of three weeks, they had sex 4 times, including the first night. This all happened in sept 2012. He was forced to tell me because the OW told her husband and he either told WH he tells me, pays him cash, or he's going to their work.

I just can't believe he was able to go through with cheating on me. Drunk or not. And then to be able to have sex with her sober. 'Forced himself to'??!! He's done everything right since then. He has given me the truth I believe. Answered any question I've had. Said he will do whatever i want/ask of him. The OW was transferred at the end of last year so he doesn't have to work with her anymore. But he can't answer me why he was willing to do it in the first place. We've been to one MC session and she basically blamed our daughter, who was 4/5 months at the time. I won't be going back to see her.
My most difficult thing right now is trying to imagine that I could ever feel anything close to what I used to feel for him. I loved him with everything I had and it wasn't enough to keep him faithful. He supposedly can't live without me and says even if I leave he will wait for me. But that love wasn't enough to keep him faithful either. How will we ever have a marriage close to anything we had before??

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 1:07 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm awful sorry you find yourself here, Lost.

In truth, I don't believe his story at all. It's so cliche, making the woman this evil predator that badgered him for sex and threatened to turn him in to his superiors if he didn't comply. I mean, is he really some kind of Greek God that makes women do insane things like this?

The only cliche lie your husband didn't tell was that he "threw up" after he had sex with her (most of them tend to say that).

I honestly think the only reason your husband told you this convoluted story at ALL was because the OW's husband gave him a set amount of time to tell you about their affair or HE was going to tell you himself.

I'm really sorry, but this story sounds so untrue and I think you need to guard your heart because the truth has yet to rear it's ugly head.

Welcome to the club no one wants to join. The folks are real smart here and will be along in a bit to help guide you.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1958 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Sal1995
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only cliche lie your husband didn't tell was that he "threw up" after he had sex with her (most of them tend to say that).

My wife "cried the whole way home" after the initial hook-up. Luckily for her and her AP, she was able to get over the initial sorrow and screw her AP for another 10 months.


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1498 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
OneFootForward
♂ 39136
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only cliche lie your husband didn't tell was that he "threw up" after he had sex with her (most of them tend to say that).

My wife "cried the whole way home" after the initial hook-up. Luckily for her and her AP, she was able to get over the initial sorrow and screw her AP for another 10 months.

Mine said she was sick after the second. Nothing about being sick after the first. Funny thing, the txting/sexting did not stop. So I guess, infidelity nausea is very temporary. No pills required, just an absent conscience.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Lost, I'm not buying it either. My wife said she always couldn't wait to leave his house after their sessions. She felt guilty on the way home. The simple answer to that was don't go there every two weeks to be his sex toy. Guess that one was too hard to figure out. She only had 17 months to work it out for herself, but it took outside intervention (me discovering her affair) to get her to stop.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4137 | Registered: Dec 2011
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fair enough- I sent the OW husband a message asking for the tale she spun. From day one of me finding out, WH has never refused to answer any of my questions and has accepted blame and responsibility for his actions. I may have painted the OW as a vicious soulless home wrecker, but that's what she is to me. WH story has never contradicted himself, regardless of how painful of questions I've asked he's always answered. I'm incline to believe him. But not to be foolish, I guess we will see what OW husband has to say.

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 2:08 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's a very smart thing to do, Lost. It's very hard to try to reconcile and move forward when you don't have all the details (or down the road start doubting them). I don't think you'll regret contacting the BH - he won't lie for your husband or his wife and I think he'll be fair and square with you.

You're a smart lady. Knowledge is power.

Keeping my fingers crossed that the BH says the story is true.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1958 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
OneFootForward
♂ 39136
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He knew what he did when he dropped his trousers for the trollop. Did she blackmail him, maybe? Can it ruin his career? Most definitely. Will he spend time in Leavenworth? Not likely. He will probably get a letter of reprimand and a less than honorable discharge. If she pushes this and they believe her, he can get a dishonorable and may spend some time in a 5x9 thinking about how he got there.

While this will impact you and your family, it has nothing to do "with you" or your children. It has everything to do with him. I would tell him to come clean or you will run his BDUs up the flagpole! Then he can walk the carpet in front of the Brigade Commander (after seeing the Co Commander). If his rank is high enough, he may get to stand in front of the Post Commander and tell him how he plans on fixing the mess he put himself and that command in. All these stats, go on someone else review you see. They will want to make it right or they will want to bury him so he is not an embarrassment. You can start him out on that path if he cannot come clean.

Here is the other problem. If anyone can show the female soldier willing went into the relationship, then she is in for trouble too. You get one person to say she was going to have X with your Y and she can kiss her tour over too. Let her know there is going to be a full inquiry and everyone she has had contact with who wears a uniform will be at CID or the Provost Marshall's office giving a sworn statement. A lot of people will talk the talk, but when faced with the UCMJ... a lot of people change their tune.

BTW, I was an MP in the Army for 5 years. While that does not make me an expert, I have seen dozens of domestics disturbances and fraternization charges run thru the process to know what happens.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has everything to do with my children. WH is close to retirement. This is our future and livelihood. I will not destroy my children's lives for revenge. On him or her.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2013
BW2639
♂ 34875
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guess is that your husbands story will prove to be true. It's a story heard all too often. It's hard to deal with , after all , our "WS's cheated " right..".why should we believe them?" But you know in your gut that you believe him and it certainly sounds plausible to me. ...just sayin'.


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 178 | Registered: Feb 2012
OneFootForward
♂ 39136
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has everything to do with my children. WH is close to retirement. This is our future and livelihood. I will not destroy my children's lives for revenge. On him or her.

I was not implying you would not be impacted by what happened or what could happen in the future. I was saying it is not your fault. Revenge has nothing to do with it. Though BS can easily make it about revenge, and I am sure a lot of them do.

I loved him with everything I had and it wasn't enough to keep him faithful. He supposedly can't live without me and says even if I leave he will wait for me. But that love wasn't enough to keep him faithful either.

There is a really good article up there in the Healing Library. It made a very good point; conditions do not create causation. Nothing you did or did not do caused him to betray your trust. N O T H I N G. You are using a coping mechanism to shift blame to self so you can get some measure of control back. Here is the rub, he made the choice NOT you. He had free will and he chose to walk down that path. His free will led him down a path not only away from you, but in a selfish and hurtful way. That is why it hurts so bad. He did not choose you. Just like my WS choose some Om over me.

You did not destroy your life, the life of your children, him or her. You are being forced to make a decision, and none of them are "good ones". You become righteous and end careers or you suffer in silence. Or some sticky choice in between.

How will we ever have a marriage close to anything we had before??

By what I have read, it will never be the same again. That innocence has been lost. Could you be closer? Maybe more, but I can't answer that question. Maybe some of the experience people out there can sound out with more reason than I and make a case for it. A case for Hope.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry onefootforward, I wasn't trying to be snarky. But I'm not outing them. It just doesn't serve a purpose to me right now. He has already gone to those in charge and told them what he did, not the who and her rank, but that he did this and screwed up and his only goal right now is to save us so if he blows off work and it gets him in trouble he doesn't care. That his only focus is his family. Wish that had been his focus 6 months ago :/

I know it wasn't my fault and he tries to stop me from blaming myself but I was naive enough to believe that being a great wife would make him choose me. Tough pill to swallow to realize I never had any control over it happening.

Thanks BW- probably stupid to believe him but I do. I guess time will tell.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2013
OneFootForward
♂ 39136
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tough pill to swallow to realize I never had any control over it happening.

You just learned in a few posts what took me a two weeks to figure out. Good on you!


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
mysticpenguin
♀ 38839
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostinthismess - there's a saying around here - "Trust but verify." I think this would be a wise course of action.

Hang in there and look after yourself. ((hugs))


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
NoMorDeceit
♀ 23547
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. I agree with the other posters. You need to look into this a little more. Pull cell records, computers, talk to the OW's Husband. There is likely way more here than he is telling you. Be strong, take care of you, breathe, and come here and vent when the craziness and white hot pain of it all seems too much to handle. We have all been there and we understand.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 612 | Registered: Apr 2009
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've already checked but this was over 6 months ago. No records. I've always had his passwords to everything. They were in a different state together so it's not like he was home and hiding it. Without copies of text messages or something I'm reliant on either her or her husband to be willing to talk to me.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2013
traditoperanni
♀ 32660
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your dilemma. I for the sake of your children I probably wouldn't out them either. Just wait and see. You don't need to do anything rash yet. But, do I believe his whole story? Not so much. My fwh had an ow who was supposedly crazy, threatened to kill herself, tell me etc. He even said the first time he was with her all he wanted to do was go home. Yeah, that's why the A went on for 37yrs. So, just be ready and don't be surprised if there is a whole lot more to the "story".
Take care.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 434 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him tonight I had contacted the bh to find out her story. He said ok, he expected that I would and was surprised I hadn't already. Nothing justifies an affair, so the thought process behind it doesn't matter. It doesn't undo it. But I do need to know the 'facts' aren't going to change and he didn't seem worried that I would find out anything I didn't know. So we'll see.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 18

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