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Damage control

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Soulo posted 5/8/2013 12:59 PM

I have been a happily married man to to my wife of 17 years. Ive always valued my strong morals and solid foundation on keeping our marriage free of any unfaithfullness. Up until last summer things were fine I thought. But to make a long story short we had some problems arise. Basically we had a communication breakdown. I pulled away and didnt even realize what i was doing. I thought at the time i was just trying to step away from the stress and be happy again for a minute. I started talking to several people about our problems (first mistake). Then a family friend showed real concern about my unhappiness. I was not attracted to this person or interested what so ever. One night at a get together i decided to go without my wife. Drinkin and more pity partying led to the unthinkable. I cheated on the love of my life. And not once but twice. I felt the most horrific guilt ever. I proceeded to lie about everything after that. I couldnt bare to see my wife find out i had done such a thing. Well, im too readable, she knows me too well. She found out on her own. Since then ive tried to convey my sorrow.
Ive learned a horrible lesson, i really am a human who is capable of making a mistake. And i mean it was a mistake. My wife is everything to me! At first i thought we would be ok with time and closeness. But slowly she is shutting me off from her life. I feel the door closing. There is no emotion, no concern, nothing. Im bleeding from my heart because i guess i deserve this but cant figure out how this even happened. I love my wife and want to never hurt her again. So my question is damage control. Should i walk away or fight for her to stay with me? I am lost.

Jrazz posted 5/8/2013 15:58 PM

Welcome to SI.

Should i walk away or fight for her to stay with me?


I want you to take out every "I" in your post and replace it with "she" or "her."

This isn't about you for the moment. You have destroyed her heart and trust. Yes, you get to have feelings and it IS scary to think that because of your tripping down the wrong path ("mistake" can be a hurtful and insulting word to someone who has just been destroyed from the inside) that you may lose her forever.

If you love her, if you're truly remorseful, you will put most of your focus on HER needs right now. The other energy gets dedicated to digging deep and discovering the brokenness inside of you that allowed you do this, and how to fix that part of your mind and heart through constant behavioral analysis and modification.

It's good that you're here. Posting in Wayward will put you in the company of people who have been in your shoes and can teach you how to heal this the right way.

h0peless posted 5/8/2013 15:59 PM

Soulo, I just wanted to let you know that you've been heard. It sounds like you're taking ownership of what you've done, although I caution you that the word "mistake" sounds like you're minimizing.

You might find some insight and help in the wayward forum, right below this one. The people there have walked in your shoes and have worked hard to better themselves.

MissesJai posted 5/8/2013 16:26 PM

you did it twice. That's not a mistake. Once, maybe, but twice, nope.

thecaves posted 5/8/2013 16:40 PM


Welcome to SI, you are in a place where you will get the help you so desire.

Your AP was a family friend so you also need to realize that your wife was double betrayed and double hurt.

I think my first piece of advice to you will be full disclosure. Any and all acts of betrayal need to be come out now, not later. You will find the acronym TT here quite a bit. It means "trickle truth." Don't minimize anything, don't hide anything. True open and honest communication is what you need now... and forever. It's what our relationships should have always been built on.

Second, you need to immediately initiate NC (no contact) with the OW. If there is any chance she will attempt to contact you you might want to write a simply "Don't contact me ever" type note. 1-3 sentences is all that is needed. If she does contact you. Don't respond and tell your wife.

Read through the Wayward Forum and though the articles in the healing library. You will find this and many more suggestions there.

badchoice posted 5/8/2013 16:57 PM

Welcome Soulo.

like Jrazz said, the brokenness inside of you let you cheat, not communication breakdowns in the marriage. Take responsibility for your actions, and really find out why you did it.

You need to really dig deep into what inside of you gave you permission to cheat. Work hard to regain her trust through actions, and make yourself a safe person for her, because right now she most likely does not feel feel safe with you, or trust you at all. I believe that is why she is shutting you off from her. It is her way to protect herself from you.

What actions are you doing right now to help your wife?

Keep posting and reading here.

Soulo posted 5/8/2013 18:43 PM

Thank you all for the support. Its very much appreciated! My wife found out about this on her own back in december. At the time I was lying and hiding from everything out of shear guilt. She demanded I end it with the Ow. I did so over the phone and have not had contact since. As far as what ive done to try to help the situation, well ive learned to talk a lot more with my wife. Ive always had a problem showing emotion and expressing myself and my feelings. Ive been nothing but open and honest and beg for forgiveness. It is all about my wife right now and I want her to know that. Also, ive been very transparent with my phone, who I hang out with and what im doing. Also I started making dates and spending more time with her. Im open to any suggestions from any of you.

badchoice posted 5/8/2013 22:52 PM

What work are you doing to figure out why you did what you did?

Are you in IC (idividual consuling)?
Have you read any books?

Spending more time with your wife and being transparent are all good things, but you also need to get to the root of the problem.

JKL Vikings posted 5/9/2013 10:31 AM

Welcome to SI. Listen to the above, they offer good advice. I would also like to help if I can.
I have long said that communication is ALL important. You can have Oprah money, look like models, be in triathlon shape, have porn-movie sex every night. But if that foundation of communication is not there, it will all crumble at the first sign of trouble.
I know next to nothing about cars, but go with me on this analogy. Oil changes and tune ups are routine maintenance. They cost a little bit. If these things are not checked on, they lead to much more extensive and costly damage.
Take the time to communicate.
As far as a fight goes, if you undertake this, you are in for the fight of your life. Allow me to offer some pointers for the road ahead:
1. NC. This means NO CONTACT. Any contact between you and the affair partner ends NOW. Keep it simple when you tell the AP: Go away and STAY away. For Mrs. Soulo to even think about a conversation about reconciliation, this must be done. This is your way of getting to that conversation.
2. Like Jrazz said, it's about HER. You got to put her needs first. If you need to vent about something, pm, or even call/txt me. You will have needs to take care of too, but you have to put hers first.
3. Be PATIENT. Rome wasn't rebuilt in a day You might have HB(hysterical bonding: That's where a couple does it like rabbits to kind of reclaim each other. ) or she doesn't let you touch her for MONTHS.
4. Finally.
About issues. We all have issues, it's how you deal with them. Yes there are issues in your marriage, mine, anyone else's. You didn't and I didn't cheat because of the issues in our marriages. It was we chose the worst way to deal with them. Get down deep as to what made this OK. This is VERY important because as Dr. Phil says, Life is not cured, it is managed. So we need to look at what was going on when we strayed. Because I can GUARANTEE you that issues like that have a way of cropping up again. We have to be ready with a healthier way of coping.
5.Your word is not worth squat right now. And it will be a long time before it has merit again. You can speed that process up by making sure your ACTIIONS are in line with your words.
Hope I've been of some help

[This message edited by JKL Vikings at 10:51 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Soulo posted 5/9/2013 10:41 AM

No im not in IC. However, yes although this may sound like a cop out I was heavily using steroids during the time this all happened. I am not the kind of person to slip but I did. Certainly, there must have been relationship problems before but nothing in the world could allow me to do such a thing. Ive had the most eye opening experience in my life occurr. I have layed it all out to my wife as to what I must have been thinking or not thinking. She says im in denial. And maybe to some extent yes I am. I am sick with myself quite frankly. But I have stopped the stuff and my head feels one hundred percent clear. I feel like I always did before. I love my wife more than anything in this world and want to be with her forever.

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