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Newlease posted 5/8/2013 13:35 PM

We get quite a few members who come into NB asking for advice about relationships. We are not experts, but some of us are pretty far out from the D and have some experience with dating after I and D.

None of us wanted to be here. Some of us thought that our spouse would not cheat, or if they did, that they wouldn't lie about it, or that if they cheated and lied, that they wouldn't go through with a D. Some of us wanted more than anything for our marriages to be healed.

We dipped our toes into NB, lonely, scared, and gutted by our experience. A lot of us started dating too soon, because we thought our new relationship would be different. We jumped in because we wanted so desperately to be loved, to have companionship, and to feel desired.

We KNOW what these members are feeling. And we try to advise others to be cautious - not to walk the same path we have already taken. We try to save them from the additional pain that we have already experienced.

But the longer I am here, the more I realize that everyone has to learn these lessons for themselves. It's just like trying to save your children from the hurt and pain of making unwise decisions. Sometimes, these are lessons best learned from doing the wrong thing or making the wrong choice.

Just remember that we are not trying to be negative, we all come from a place of caring.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

nowiknow23 posted 5/8/2013 14:13 PM

But the longer I am here, the more I realize that everyone has to learn these lessons for themselves.
I understand that it feels that way, but know this - I never asked about dating, but I did consider whether to start dating. Reading the experiences here gave me pause and helped nudge me down a healthier path. Would I have made the healthy choice anyway? Maybe. But it certainly helped me to read and learn from others' experiences.

Never underestimate the impact your advice is having on people who AREN'T posting, but rather are reading.

kernel posted 5/8/2013 17:46 PM

Ditto to what nik said. I don't ask about dating either, but I read a lot on here about it, and I definitely took heed of all the posts about waiting until you were healed (or at least in the neighborhood). I think there are people in both camps.

Amazonia posted 5/8/2013 18:35 PM

I DO ask a lot of questions and really benefit from the answers I get. Many, many of my decisions (dating and otherwise) in the past two years have been based heavily on the advice I've gotten here on SI.

I for one am happy to learn from the mistakes of others.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 6:35 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

tryingagain74 posted 5/8/2013 19:52 PM

I have really appreciated reading here. Shortly after everything fell apart, I felt super lonely and started thinking about dating. I'm glad that I kept reading here and never bothered trying. Once my emotions settled down, I realized how happy and fulfilled I am with my friends and family. I'm also very busy-- at this point, I wouldn't be able to give a relationship much attention. I like where I am now and am perfectly content to stay this way. I also know that once the D is final, I just need to go with the flow and enjoy what I have.

meaniemouse posted 5/8/2013 20:09 PM

If I have a question or issue about anything, I'm likely to come here first. There are SO many smart, wise and wonderful people here and so many are willing to help anyone with anything. This is a great group of people. I feel lucky just to be a part of it.

roseguide posted 5/8/2013 20:29 PM

Never underestimate the impact your advice is having on people who AREN'T posting, but rather are reading.

Yes! absolutely!

Amazonia posted 5/8/2013 21:17 PM

The other thing with making mistakes is that hearing that they are a mistake from an outside perspective can often help us from repeating those we've made, because we understand them much more clearly - what the mistake was, why we made it, why it was appealing, why it was a mistake, what the better alternatives could be. If no one was here saying, "don't do it" it might take repeating the same mistake many times to come to those realizations and truly understand ourselves.

Bluebird26 posted 5/9/2013 06:23 AM

Never underestimate the impact your advice is having on people who AREN'T posting, but rather are reading.

Exactly that, I discovered this site a few years ago, but only started posting here probably more recently. I love the support of this place.

Betrayal posted 5/9/2013 09:04 AM

But the longer I am here, the more I realize that everyone has to learn these lessons for themselves. It's just like trying to save your children from the hurt and pain of making unwise decisions. Sometimes, these are lessons best learned from doing the wrong thing or making the wrong choice.

This is exactly how I feel as well

stupidstupidme posted 5/9/2013 11:39 AM

Ditto NL and Betrayal. I also note how long the three of us have been here. Maybe that makes a difference in our perspective.

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