Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: Advice
Newlease
♀ 7767
Member # 7767
Target  Posted: 1:35 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We get quite a few members who come into NB asking for advice about relationships. We are not experts, but some of us are pretty far out from the D and have some experience with dating after I and D.

None of us wanted to be here. Some of us thought that our spouse would not cheat, or if they did, that they wouldn't lie about it, or that if they cheated and lied, that they wouldn't go through with a D. Some of us wanted more than anything for our marriages to be healed.

We dipped our toes into NB, lonely, scared, and gutted by our experience. A lot of us started dating too soon, because we thought our new relationship would be different. We jumped in because we wanted so desperately to be loved, to have companionship, and to feel desired.

We KNOW what these members are feeling. And we try to advise others to be cautious - not to walk the same path we have already taken. We try to save them from the additional pain that we have already experienced.

But the longer I am here, the more I realize that everyone has to learn these lessons for themselves. It's just like trying to save your children from the hurt and pain of making unwise decisions. Sometimes, these are lessons best learned from doing the wrong thing or making the wrong choice.

Just remember that we are not trying to be negative, we all come from a place of caring.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7789 | Registered: Aug 2005
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But the longer I am here, the more I realize that everyone has to learn these lessons for themselves.
I understand that it feels that way, but know this - I never asked about dating, but I did consider whether to start dating. Reading the experiences here gave me pause and helped nudge me down a healthier path. Would I have made the healthy choice anyway? Maybe. But it certainly helped me to read and learn from others' experiences.

Never underestimate the impact your advice is having on people who AREN'T posting, but rather are reading.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26218 | Registered: Aug 2011
kernel
♀ 27035
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto to what nik said. I don't ask about dating either, but I read a lot on here about it, and I definitely took heed of all the posts about waiting until you were healed (or at least in the neighborhood). I think there are people in both camps.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I DO ask a lot of questions and really benefit from the answers I get. Many, many of my decisions (dating and otherwise) in the past two years have been based heavily on the advice I've gotten here on SI.

I for one am happy to learn from the mistakes of others.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 6:35 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13880 | Registered: Jul 2011
tryingagain74
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have really appreciated reading here. Shortly after everything fell apart, I felt super lonely and started thinking about dating. I'm glad that I kept reading here and never bothered trying. Once my emotions settled down, I realized how happy and fulfilled I am with my friends and family. I'm also very busy-- at this point, I wouldn't be able to give a relationship much attention. I like where I am now and am perfectly content to stay this way. I also know that once the D is final, I just need to go with the flow and enjoy what I have.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3645 | Registered: Oct 2011
meaniemouse
♀ 10798
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I have a question or issue about anything, I'm likely to come here first. There are SO many smart, wise and wonderful people here and so many are willing to help anyone with anything. This is a great group of people. I feel lucky just to be a part of it.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2140 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
roseguide
♀ 35697
Member # 35697
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never underestimate the impact your advice is having on people who AREN'T posting, but rather are reading.

Yes! absolutely!


In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of the things not meant for you. Buddhist saying

Posts: 209 | Registered: May 2012 | From: New Jersey
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other thing with making mistakes is that hearing that they are a mistake from an outside perspective can often help us from repeating those we've made, because we understand them much more clearly - what the mistake was, why we made it, why it was appealing, why it was a mistake, what the better alternatives could be. If no one was here saying, "don't do it" it might take repeating the same mistake many times to come to those realizations and truly understand ourselves.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13880 | Registered: Jul 2011
Bluebird26
♀ 36445
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never underestimate the impact your advice is having on people who AREN'T posting, but rather are reading.

Exactly that, I discovered this site a few years ago, but only started posting here probably more recently. I love the support of this place.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Betrayal
♀ 9898
Member # 9898
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But the longer I am here, the more I realize that everyone has to learn these lessons for themselves. It's just like trying to save your children from the hurt and pain of making unwise decisions. Sometimes, these are lessons best learned from doing the wrong thing or making the wrong choice.

This is exactly how I feel as well


Me,38 BS
Divorced
Married
DS Born 9/6/10

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: IL
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto NL and Betrayal. I also note how long the three of us have been here. Maybe that makes a difference in our perspective.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.