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Greatlakes posted 5/8/2013 13:47 PM

This is my first post (kinda long) and thanks for a great site. I have read lots of other posts but still have questions regarding my wife and depression. I want to try Reconciling. I'm 38, she is 36. We've been married 13 years, had a daughter 4 yrs ago, she became depressed and distant, started hanging with different friends, dressing and acting different, also lost 30 pounds started exercising and is gorgeous looking. (I've always thought so, she never used to believe me...now guys notice her all the time!)
She basically lost all interest in me, had an affair with a 23 yr old single guy who was a family friend that lasted 6 months. We've been in MC for over 2 years (still going), she goes weekly, I go 1-3 times a month alone and once a month with her. She started the A 18 months ago, ended it about 12 months ago. I have been suspecting the affair the whole time, but she never would admit it, even when asked in MC sessions. I finally threatened to leave if she didn't start being truthful, and she finally admitted the affair a month ago. Now she won't even talk to me, basically in constant run away mode. Our MC says its severe depression, but she has been going out buying new clothes, spending lots of time with friends, some married coupled, some single guys. Spent a night with a single male friend of ours 2 weeks ago. She won't talk to me at all, let alone apologize. MC says give her space, she can't talk yet. But what do I do? I think she started some AD meds., but not sure, she saw a doctor our MC said. Is this normal behavior? Any comments would be appreciated.

MovingUpward posted 5/8/2013 14:51 PM

Welcome to SI Greatlakes.

I think giving her some distance might be good right now. I would follow up with the IC as to how long should you wait for her to come around. If the MC/IC can't give a typical time frame then you might need to think things through as to what you want and are willing to do to R. Your wife has lots of work to do and at the moment it looks like she is avoiding it.

tushnurse posted 5/8/2013 14:54 PM

Welcome to the club that no one ever wanted to join. You will find amazing people here that will offer tons of great support, sometimes it may seem harsh, but really it comes from a place of goodness where we want others to learn from the mistakes we have made so that they do not have to suffer the same pain we have.

Now to answer your question.
No this is not normal behavior. I question the validity of your MC.
If she is flat out refusing to engage you or speak to you that is a real problem.
Please go to the healing library up there on the left side of your screen. Tons of helpful stuff there.

(here's the part that may seem harsh) She is playing you like a fiddle. She has the MC manipulated too. I'm sorry but going out with friends, and staying out all night are not behaviors of one who is depressed. I would reccomend that you take some time to get your ducks in a row, find out what she is really up to when she is "out with friends" and find out what your legal rights are. She is obviously avoiding dealing with this, and that will not fix it. You will also need to decide if R is what you want and if you do what your conditions of it are, and clearly lay those out to her.

I would also recommend getting a new MC right away. Any MC that says it's ok let her not deal with it while you suffer is not worth a dime.

((((and strength))))

sisoon posted 5/8/2013 18:00 PM

You can't reconcile with an unremorseful WS, and your W doesn't sound remorseful. She may be depressed, but it sounds as if no one - not you, not your MC, not your W - is calling her to account, and that's not helping anyone. Also, a remorseful WS doesn't go out for an evening with her BS, and no remorseful person lies in MC or IC.

You have to risk your M to rebuild it. You saw that when your threat to D finally got some honesty out of your W. If you haven't given up, ID your requirements for R, lay them out for your W, and tell her to choose between meeting your reqs and D.

If your reqs come from your heart and head, the ultimatum is not a power play. It is simply a statement that you need certain things and that if your W doesn't want to provide them, you should split, because there's no longer a good fit between you.

Basically, I'm recommending you consider some form of the 180. You can read about the 180 in the Healing Library and some threads in JFP and, IIRC, ICR.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:01 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

La Traviata posted 5/8/2013 18:20 PM

First of all, I am a huge fan of both parties having an IC who is not the same as their MC.

Depression can manifest as drastic changes in behavior- it's not out of the question that your MC is right about that. And if she is taking meds, that can have an effect on her behavior as well. But mental illness or no, she is still responsible for the things she says and does, past and present.

Decide what you will and won't tolerate in your house or your marriage, and communicate to her that you're afraid she's headed toward crossing those boundaries again. Make it about you, and what you will and will not tolerate. If your MC is not okay with you setting healthy boundaries with her and communicating them calmly, get a new MC.

Best of luck. This sucks.

Greatlakes posted 5/9/2013 21:45 PM

Thanks for the replies...pretty much what I have been feeling but its nice to know others agree. Gonna give her a couple weeks here, we have a seasonal business just opening for the season, but after we open there needs to be some changes on her part. Going to discuss this with MC Tuesday.
Question though....should she tell her friends/family about the A? I say yes...our close friends/family will still love and support her. They will not condone her actions, but will still love her. I want her to tell them, not me, but she is unwilling. Thoughts on this?