My WS is going through a lot: guilt, shame and anger being the big three. We talked a lot and she is not ready to ask for forgiveness. In her words, she "deserves" the all the pain considering what I am going through.
Deserve means there is some future punishment forthcoming or she is languishing in under her moral punishment now. Problem is, you can't heal from deserve. I have prayed a lot about this and the only thing I can offer is forgiveness, which I have given her and openly told her. I have not forgiven the Om yet... that will take a bit longer. Not saying I am not angry, mad, sad, in pain, etc; it just means I am not holding the A over her head like the Sword of Damocles. But like the sword, it has two side: one asking for forgiveness and the other accepting forgiveness. She knows I have forgiven her, but she cannot ask for or accept what I have offered.
We are going to our pastor (who is a MC) for our 2nd visit tomorrow. There are no ICs in our area. I asked her to come here, but she said no.
We talked about the A and some specifics. She then took a break to write me an email. I can understand writing an email to express yourself completely and do no consider this an out. I would rather she be able to compose her thoughts and tell me what is going on than just keep them bottled up. Here is a portion of that email:
You misunderstand my inability to speak at the time of discussion. When I am unable to express myself, you go by what my face looks like or what you may want me to feel or think I should be feeling at the time. It isn't how I'm feeling. My lack of speech is me being incapable of communicating the depth of my self hatred. I simply can't find a way to put those feelings into words, and still cannot. Screaming won't help. Breaking something won't help. I don't know.
I don't want to run, but I don't want to be here causing you pain either. It seems every corner has another twist of pain for you I can't calm. How can I compete with that? How can you? Why do you want to stay with someone constantly causing you pain? I don't understand myself anymore than I understand you or this situation. I'm still wanting to take the easy way out and just end my life...
I have told her that Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem, no matter how painful that problem may be. I also consider it an act of extreme selfishness, depriving our family of her presence... forever. I am not saying I have not thought about ending my life during all this pain but I am not trapped under its weight either.
So why I am here? I would really like some help from the people on SI. I do mean both side of the A. We can only reconcile if she is whole and alive. There can be no true R with a broken person, anymore than there can be with a ghost.
PS - She has been on Pristiq for depression years. She tried some other med, but it made her have thoughts of suicide. We talked to her doc, and she was put on Pristiq. I fear the situation has blown past her meds. What is worse, if she gets in a bad way and skips/forgets meds it could be like a boulder running downhill.
After she goes to bed tonight I am going to get the bottle and copy her doctors info down. Try to call him in the morning and fill him in on the situation as best I can. Part of me wants to tell her to call, but she has not even seen a doc to checked for STDs yet and we are at D-Day+21 days now.
[This message edited by OneFootForward at 4:45 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]