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Just found out again

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Runninggirl posted 5/8/2013 18:58 PM

Was here a LONG time ago.
Things were going well (so I thought)
Found tons of sexual messages and the typical "soulmate" BS. Husband started out remorseful and overnight became cavalier about it and almost belligerent.
He is protecting OW and won't give me her name because it would ruin her life if her husband found out and he 'respects her too much as a person' to allow me to contact her.
I said if you want to even consider repairing this- please give me her name. I just want to speak with her to ensure this doesn't happen again.
He responded with the attitude of a teenager. 'then we won't repair it because I am not going to allow you to call her and mess up her life if her husband finds out)
She went to school with my husband and she is active in community with in-laws.
I am stunned he is behaving this way. Their online romance only did not get physical because he got caught first. No moral issue there.
Never thought I would be back here after all this tin me.
His attitude this time and lack of remorse os astounding.
Thank you for reading. I'm sorry I posted without being a little friendlier. I am so floored, I am numb. Hoped to never need SI a fain, but so grateful it is here.
He is staying in a hotel. He also blocked me, and entire family on FB.
Feels like a nightmare and I keep hoping yo wake up.

mainlyinpain posted 5/8/2013 19:06 PM so sorry for your pain. I also just found out about a third time or really probably continuation of second time.
Please give it a little time for perspective both you and him.
Right now her name isn't important. You will eventually get it even if you have to hire a PI to do so. Be good to yourself...I know the pain is so hard to absorb. He is acting this way because he was caught off guard and his hidden world is coming tumbling down. He is scrambling for control. You can't control him, only yourself. Please read the 180 to possibly help you feel some control for yourself.
Sending ((hugs)) and strength your way.

Runninggirl posted 5/8/2013 19:36 PM

Thank you MainlyinPain ~ I had forgotten about the 180 thread. Did not need it first go around. How things have changed. He went from remorseful first time-- to down right hateful.

mysticpenguin posted 5/8/2013 19:48 PM

Oh my gosh. I am so sorry (((runninggirl)))

Please please take care of yourself. I can only imagine the utter devastation you are experiencing :( For him to put you through this twice...!


ETA: How impressive that you remembered your password & username after 7 years! You must have an excellent memory!

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 7:49 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

cheerless posted 5/9/2013 00:13 AM

I am so sorry to hear you are being put through the nightmare all over again. I can't imagine anyone being so selfish and cold-hearted than to put someone through all that pain again.

Ugh. My broken heart is breaking even more for you.

I have no great helpful words to say other than focus on what you need--water, food, rest and detaching.


RidingHealingRd posted 5/9/2013 00:25 AM


You are living many BSs fear. I will never understand how a person can witness the horrendous pain that their infidelity caused and decide to inflict that pain again. It baffles me, it infuriates me, it discourages me, it saddens me.

I am truly sorry that you find yourself here again.

tabitha95 posted 5/9/2013 00:37 AM

I'm sorry Runninggirl. I went through a second d-day after several years. It is painful, but for me the second time was the dealbreaker for me. He watched me suffer after the first, he couldn't play dumb to not knowing how much it would hurt.

I agree about the 180. Sounds like he isn't remorseful at all.

k9lover1 posted 5/9/2013 06:58 AM

I said if you want to even consider repairing this- please give me her name. I just want to speak with her to ensure this doesn't happen again.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation again, but gently, the OW isn't the problem.

There is absolutely no excuse for a second affair - none. After the pain he caused you, to do it again???

If it were me, this would be an absolute deal breaker.

sparklingwater posted 5/9/2013 07:09 AM

Sorry you find yourself in this horrible situation again.

Perhaps he has blocked you and your family from facebook, as he is facebook friends with this "old school friend" of his - and he doesn't want you getting her name that way.

Look after yourself Runninggirl ((hugs))

Lalagirl posted 5/9/2013 07:14 AM


God, posts like this just break my heart. I am so sorry, sweetie.

You can find her name (as mainly said) - I know you have that good ol PI "training" that we BSs have to acquire. After you have had time to digest some of this shit, I'd be damned if I'd let OW get away with her BH not knowing.

As far as your WH is concerned, yes, it's time for the 180 - for you. Some IC may be in order too. And of course, you know we are here for you to help you through this, no matter what you decide.

I am so sad and angry for you. There is more I want to say, but your pain is so raw right now - will save for another time.



ThoughtIKnewYa posted 5/9/2013 07:15 AM


Tred posted 5/9/2013 07:51 AM


It just boggles my mind that someone could do this to another person that they are supposed to care about once. Twice? They don't deserve the time of day from us. I'd be like your name and be running to see a lawyer.

sad12008 posted 5/9/2013 08:08 AM


I'm so sorry. What a selfish wait, he's gallant what with respecting his AP "too much as a person" to allow you to contact her. Too bad his gallantry didn't extend to you and your family.

I'd focus on talking to a lawyer vs. talking to him. His actions are terribly depressing and do not inspire optimism at this time.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other - this too shall pass.

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 5/9/2013 09:16 AM

He is protecting OW and won't give me her name because it would ruin her life if her husband found out and he 'respects her too much as a person' to allow me to contact her.

So it's okay with him that OW knows who YOU are and she ruined YOU and your M but you can't tell her BH and ruin HER life! FTG!!!! Seriously, FTG!!! He has so much "respect" for a skanky whore but not his wife.
He cares more about a lying cheating whore and would protect her at all costs even if it causes you MORE pain. He needs to put you first or he needs to go.

tushnurse posted 5/9/2013 15:11 PM

I am so sorry you are here. The pain must be overwhelming.

Please do a few things for yourself today.

1. Pull 50% of the money in any joint accounts out. (Hes obviously making no effort to make things right, so you need to protect yourself)

2. Make an appt to see a Lawyer (not saying that is the road to go, but knowledge is power).

3. Get an IC appt set up.

4. Remember that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. He is very broken.

5. consider changing the locks. He left, so he abandoned the home. Let him know he is not welcome until he does what you want him to do, if you want to have him back.

6. If you are not able to sleep or eat get yourself some antianxiety meds to take the edge off, keep drinking lots of water, and taking care of you.


Ladyogilvy posted 5/9/2013 15:42 PM

I am furious on your behalf. It's been 2 years since I found out WH had an affair. He also refused to give me any information. He didn't want me to embarrass her. My WH was a hard core alcoholic and I was told by professionals I had to give him time to sober up before I could expect transparency from him. 2 years later, one year of sobriety, no transparency and I am still furious. I wish I had done a complete 180 like everyone suggested from the beginning.

cosmicjoke posted 5/9/2013 18:33 PM

'I am not going to allow YOU to mess up her life if her husband finds out'.....???? UNBELIEVABLE. Projecting much..? I guess it doesn't count that HE helped her mess up her OWN life. They made the choice together. The deed is already done. And just because you keep something a secret doesn't mean it 'doesn't count'.

Ashland13 posted 5/9/2013 20:22 PM

Yes, I think he is blocking you from FB to protect OW and probably himself. He's got to clean up or situate his act because he knows you're onto him now.

My deal breaker was false R and being told by Perv so many times there was NC but there was so much he couldn't even sit still with all the text messages. It was the pain from that deceipt on top of the rest, knowing that he knew full well how much I wanted, craved M and he came back, pretended and then walked off yet again.

I'm really sorry, Running Girl. Perv has also acted this way and lit into me in defense of OW, also, which were my biggest red flags-to defend an OW to a wife you are supposedly reconcilling with? What's that?

And I don't like that your WH seems to be doing it also.

I'm sorry again.

Lalagirl posted 5/10/2013 08:23 AM

How are you today, Running? Been thinking of you.

Tushnurse provided some excellent advice. Please protect and take care of yourself...



h0pe4ul posted 5/10/2013 08:50 AM


I am so sorry for your pain and all that you are going through!

I've been on this end many times and know that it's not easy to deal with someone who chooses to stay stuck in the fantasy they created while you and your loved ones deal w/the heartbreak of your reality.

Unfortunately, one day, your WH will come out of the fog and when he does (and if he truly has a heart), he will realize just how much he screwed up in regards to his commitment with you and your family.

Nothing hurts worse than to see the person who vowed to love you forever choose some OW over you and then watch your marriage fall apart.

As many others have said, take care of you right now. 180 your H big time (for your own well-being and safety, not to get his attention) because he is at a place where he does not care. Because he does not care, he will continue to do hurtful things towards you. Detach to begin protecting yourself on all levels and to find out what your next move may be (whatever you decide to do)!

Even when you 180 him and if he sees you are not giving him the attention he may be looking for, continue to take care of you because it sounds like he has made a decision already.

It seems that the A went underground and he was pretending to be in R with you because of you finding "tons" of messages between the two while you guys were supposed to be R.

Look out for you right now and do all that you can to get on your feet and be able to take care of yourself because your H has gotten to the point where he is pretty much abandoning you by shutting you out of his life completely.

Be careful and look out for you right now because you can't depend on your H to do so.

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