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Raped by exwh *possible tmi*

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courageous posted 5/8/2013 20:50 PM

Several kind posters have finally made me come to realize that during my marriage to WH I was repeatedly raped. I would say probably for 7 years out of our 9.5 year marriage.

It's still hard for me to admit he did that to me. I have been in serious denial. I have even gone so far to say that it must not have been as bad as it sounds because I don't suffer any lasting trauma....... Or so I thought.

This weekend my SO was in town to visit me. We have NOT had sex together as we are trying to take things slow. We were making out and got pretty close to going all the way. During this time I kept having two thoughts running thru my mind:
1. This is the man I love and want to marry
2. I want him to rape me.

After that day I feel like I need help. I have made an appointment to see a counselor. I'm not really sure where I start with that as I still think sometimes it wasn't rape (he didn't take no for an answer, he would wait until I was under the effects of Ambien to pressure me to have sex, and/or he would not stop after I told him he was hurting me).

I told SO about my thought and he is sad. He thinks we should cut out the physical until I'm healthy. I disagree.

Does anyone know of some resources regarding healing after rape?

What if no one believes me?

What are the lasting effects from rape?

I never told my family. I really haven't told anyone IRL except for SO.

[This message edited by courageous at 9:54 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Kajem posted 5/8/2013 21:01 PM

Call your local domestic violence shelter... they will have a list of resources for you.

You aren't the first person to be raped by her H. Most abusers use rape as a way to control their victims. You are in no way to blame for his actions.

Please call the shelter... they have the way to healing from this.



nowiknow23 posted 5/8/2013 21:07 PM

What if no one believes me?
We believe you, courageous. And it sounds like your SO believes you, too.

Are you struggling with believing it? With making it a truth in your life? It's ok if the answer is yes. Something to explore with a counselor.

((((((courageous)))))) You are WORTH the effort to work through this. You are WORTH the time and work it will take to process all of this.

tesla posted 5/8/2013 21:41 PM


Nature_Girl posted 5/8/2013 22:03 PM


I agree about holding off on the physical progression of your relationship.

People WILL believe you about being raped. I kept silent about being raped at age 19 while on a date. When I finally started telling people 20 years later I was believed. I kept silent about my grandfather molesting me. When I finally started telling people I was believed. There is healing simply in the act of telling, I have found.

I want healing for you.

courageous posted 5/8/2013 22:53 PM

Are you struggling with believing it? With making it a truth in your life? It's ok if the answer is yes.

Yes I am. For the longest time I felt it was my wifely duty and that it was wrong to withhold sex. He was my husband. It was my job to keep him sexually satisfied.

I have been led to believe that you should follow thru when a man is aroused and not leave him in pain. It got to the point that I didn't want to have any physical contact with him so that he wouldn't get turned on.

Acknowledging it means that something really bad happened to me.... that it really was bad.... that I am NOT okay.... that I WAS violated. My best defense mechanism for most of my life has been to just pretend it doesn't exist. If it didn't exist than it can't hurt me.

I was also molested in middle school and several times since then. I wonder if I put off this air asking to be abused. I feel like I have a target on me that directs abusers to me.

I forgot to add that he would also not let me go to sleep until I gave in to sex. I learned after a while just to give in right away so I could sleep.

jennie160 posted 5/8/2013 23:36 PM

Your counselor will be able to better walk you through the early stages of recovery. Take things slow the next time your starting to get intimate and if you start to have those feeling slow the pace down. It also might be helpful for you to take the lead, you set the pace.

It's a long constant battle and I'm not sure you can ever be 100% recovered but if your willing to do the work it does get better.

(((courageous))) Your so strong. Just admitting this takes so much strength.

[This message edited by jennie160 at 8:39 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

abbycadabby posted 5/9/2013 08:36 AM


Courageous- I believe you. Whether you want to call it rape or sexual abuse, you were violated. What you experienced is NOT part of a healthy, loving relationship. There ARE going to be lasting effects which you may not comprehend the full extent of right now.

You are absolutely making a wise decision seeking IC. I would urge you to find a GOOD one, and preferably one that specializes in helping survivors of sexual abuse/rape.

It was a revelation and a wondrous thing for me to realize my IC had experienced the same things as me. Please don't take my meaning incorrectly. I was NOT glad she endured the same types of horrible things that I did as a child. I would not wish this on anyone and actually it is my 'soapbox' issue even now. BUT, at that point, I felt that she actually GOT it. She got where I was coming from, what my emotions were, what I actually face in my healing... she just got me, which was a great feeling- to be understood and validated. THAT was the wondrous part. It also gave her guidance more meaning, because she had gone through what I have and utilized the techniques she's offering me for herself. She didn't go into too much detail but it sounds like maybe she had even experienced worse abuse than me. We were both tearing up that day.

I hope that this makes sense and that no one interprets my last paragraph incorrectly.

More hugs to you.


Mousse242 posted 5/9/2013 10:47 AM

It may be a good idea to put off a full physical relationship with your SO for a bit. As suggested you should contact a local shelter and get some suggestions for a counselor through them.

You want your relationship with your SO to be healthy, in order to do that you need to be healthy, or at least on the road to being that way.

It sounds like he's a gem and understands what you have gone through.


damncutekitty posted 5/9/2013 10:55 AM

I have a close friend who was molested by her babysitter. She did EMDR as part of her therapy to work past it. I have also done EMDR (though not for the same stuff). I am a huge believer in it. It was very helpful for both myself and my friend.

courageous posted 5/9/2013 11:07 AM

What exactly is EMDR? How does that work?

JKL Vikings posted 5/9/2013 11:11 AM

Hugs coming from TX
We have your back I ma glad that SO is showing patience and compassion

courageous posted 5/9/2013 13:17 PM

It sounds like he's a gem and understands what you have gone through.


I am glad that SO is showing patience and compassion

I am very grateful that he is such a wonderful guy. He is very careful to make sure I'm 100% comfortable in anything we do together. He even checks my reactions to make sure I'm not hiding my discomfort. He is so good me... I am very lucky.

Skan posted 5/9/2013 20:31 PM

I'm glad that you're getting counciling. I didn't. I figured that I could handle it on my own, that no one would believe me, and I was too embarassed to admit to it. This was back in the '70s, so things were quite a bit different then. One of my rapes took place while I was in the service, and believe me, as much as you hear of sexual abuse/rape in the military today and how difficult it is for women to get justice, there was no chance in hell of anything approaching justice in the military back then.

The good news is that you can and will get over it. Yep, you'll have some scars. Just like those infidelity scars. But you can put the work into yourself, just as you did with surviving infideltiy, and have a much better life including really good sex. I do, and I did it all wrong. Took years, though. So go get help. (((hugs)))

Amazonia posted 5/9/2013 20:31 PM

Courageous, I have gone back and forth about whether I should add my story here, in such a public forum. I guess consider this another "you are not alone" confirmation.

I too was sexually abused in a relationship in the past, and it took me several years to admit it was rape. Not my XH, but a long term relationship I had while in college. He would give me an "either or" scenario and I had to "choose" what would happen, even though I didn't want any of it.

It wasn't until I told my IC about this during S from my XH (who was not abusive, just an idiot), in terms of, "this relationship isn't that bad, it's better than xyz" that I finally admitted it was rape. It took three hour-long IC sessions of basically arguing with her for me to see it that way. In my mind before, I always had a choice. I could have chosen the other option at any time, so it was never forced on me. Took a lot to see that it was never really a choice, since neither option was something I wanted, and saying no wasn't available as an alternative.

I understand how it feels to "allow" someone to abuse you, and how hard it is to accept that it was abuse in retrospect, and that you are not at fault. I just want to commend you for coming to this truth and for stepping forward to speak to someone about it. You deserve as much from yourself.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 7:03 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 5/9/2013 20:50 PM

Yes, your IC will believe you,, especially if you go to a Domestic Violence center for counseling. (sliding scale for payment is used, btw)...

Anyway, I do know someone else whose XH used Ambien to sedate her, too, most likely on those creepy sex forums they discuss this stuff, so your IC will not be surprised. BTW I was seeing a younger person first for IC then had to switch to an older therapist bc I didn't want to freak out the young IC with all the freaky stuff my XH did to me.

When I finally told my best friend my XWH had dressed up in women's clothing,,, she said, "Didn't you hear alarms, sirens MAYDAY MAYDA Abandon ship abandon ship!!!!" I told her no, I just got further and further in the fog with him.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:52 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

abbycadabby posted 5/9/2013 20:52 PM


CharlieFoxtrot posted 5/10/2013 07:33 AM

((((sexual abuse victims))))

courageous, you are just that for coming forward and seeking help, not only from your SO, IC, but also here at SI. I do understand the fear of not being believed when the truth is so fresh and exposed, but know deep inside that the sickness lies in the secrecy. The shame is not yours to bear, and telling people you trust helps you break free from the bondage of the abuse.

What helped me the most was to start seeing and accepting it as sexual abuse.

I understand how it feels to "allow" someone to abuse you, and how hard it is to accept that it was abuse in retrospect, and that you are not at fault. I just want to commend you for coming to this truth and for stepping forward to speak to someone about it. You deserve as much from yourself.

Beautifully put, Amazonia.

(((((more hugs)))))

courageous posted 5/10/2013 19:08 PM

Skan- first I want to thank you for your service and sacrifice for our country. Secondly I'm so sorry for the way you were treated. I have heard the number of sexual assaults on female military is high and I think it's horrible how the women who come forward are treated!

Amazonia- thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I know that was very hard for you.

Jennie- what kind of issues have you had to deal with? I haven't really slept in bed with a guy since exwh. i wonder if being touched in bed while trying to sleep would be a trigger. The sad thing is after giving birth to two kids with big heads I have severe scar tissue from the third degree tears. Sex will be painful for me for a while whether I like the guy or not.

Abbycadabby- I understood what you mean and I think it WOULD be more beneficial getting help from someone who has gone through the similar abuse.

courageous posted 5/10/2013 19:15 PM

I have been really thinking about why I'm so worried that I won't be believed..... I told our MC that I resented exwh and didn't want him to touch me because when I took Ambien it was like a green light for him and that he didn't take no for an answer. She didn't really address that just that holding onto resent is not good for the marriage. And that my anger was damaging the marriage.

I told my lawyer the same thing and he never said anything about it. So these two people who I considered to be in authority positions said and did nothing.

If the two people I told didn't think it was serious how would anyone else?

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