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Any suggestions for a D-Day anniversary

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roseguide posted 5/8/2013 20:53 PM

You can read my, all too familiar, story in my profile but here it is in a nutshell:
I found out. I cried, screamed, and begged. He left that night without a second thought, without looking back for a second.

I've done pretty well. I think I've mastered the 180 (could not have done it without you). I've dated - not disastrous but not great either. Time to focus on me. (Yes I know. You told me so, and you were right.)

I can clearly and logically see that I am better off in every possible way than I was while I was married to him.

So why? Why have I suddenly started to have nightmares about them again. Why have they begun to sneak into every thought in my every waking moment?

I was on the fast track to healing and moving on when I ran full speed into D-day anniversary.
At the end of this month will be one year.

I might be okay that day. I may not even remember until late in the day, I do, after all, have a very fulfilling and busy life. But I like to plan ahead.

Can anyone please share with me their first d-day anniversary experience, good or bad? Can you make some suggestions for how to spend the day and what to expect? It's a work day and I'm considering taking the day off.

Sad in AZ posted 5/8/2013 21:31 PM

D-day anniversaries have not been a problem for me. My actual wedding anniversary was, so I planned trips around it. My first post-S anniversary I spent in Las Vegas with SI friends It was a blast!! My second was spent on a hiking trip. My third (last year) was spent on the phone with a dear friend.

Maybe something like that would work?

CluelessGuy posted 5/8/2013 23:28 PM

Hrm, I just passed my third D-Day anniversary.

Looking back, you create the tension within yourself. And it's perfectly normal. You're still processing.

My suggestion is that you not take off work and then plan to do something with friends. Those first two years in the midst of the divorce, I always built up my D-Day anniversary in my mind. Mine falls on Easter, which makes it extra special. Keep busy. And take care. It gets better.

roseguide posted 5/9/2013 07:22 AM

Sad - Thanks these are great ideas. Ironically I was thinking of visiting my sister in AZ, lol.

CG - On the one hand work would definitely be distracting but I'm worried about breaking down at work. I guess it will depend on how I'm feeling that day and what deadlines are looming. My kids were talking about taking me out that evening anyway.

Thank you both for the feedback.

Newlease posted 5/9/2013 11:11 AM

My first D-day was in October some time when XWH confessed his EA and "love" for the OW. Don't remember that date.

My second D-Day was March 16 when I found out we had been in false R and the EA had turned to PA. I never remember the date as it is happening. But when I try to remember I think of XWH's words.

"I will always remember this day as the day my life changed." My response was, "Your life changed the moment you started going outside our marriage for comfort with another woman."

It's been 8 years and I really don't have any reaction to specific dates anymore. The first couple of years our wedding anniversary was tough (what would have been 24 & 25) and I gave myself permission to grieve.

It's up to you whether you down play it and go about your normal activities, or if you want to head it off at the pass and either celebrate or mourn as you choose.

Sending strength and peace.


[This message edited by Newlease at 11:46 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

roseguide posted 5/9/2013 18:55 PM

Thank you!!

roseguide posted 6/7/2013 09:24 AM

Thanks for all the great advice.

Not only did I decide to work but I took an out of town assignment so I would be away.

I was a little weepy but it wasn't too bad and may have been work related too.

I worked past midnight and noted the day was gone and I survived and simply went on with my life. I know it doesn't sound dramatic but it was a pretty significant moment for me. part of the letting go process.

All in all I think that, for me, working was the right thing to do. Every time it popped into my head I had something else to focus on. I didn't allow myself to wallow.

phmh posted 6/7/2013 18:16 PM

Thanks for the update. I'm glad it went better than planned!

SBB posted 6/7/2013 19:05 PM

Great news!!

DD antiversary wasn't a trigger for me. I didn't realise until halfway through the day (the date has other significance too).

A few months prior I did have a hard time with the 10th anniversary of our meeting and I also had a hard day with the start of False R - I'm in the midst of False R season right now and I'm feeling a strange kind of pissed off at myself.

Its only the first year. I remember reading that it could take 2-5 years to heal in R and that it would be definitely closer to the 2 mark to heal in S/D.

persevere posted 6/7/2013 21:39 PM

It sounds like you did well roseguide, and the good news is that typically it only gets better from here. ((Hugs))

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