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More questions....him blowing up

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Spinning180 posted 5/8/2013 21:38 PM

I had a couple more questions tonight because I really don't understand the situation. I told him repeatedly I don't understand how he could let this OW befriend me and allow her to torture me and still claim to love me. I don't understand it. He then blew up and said that he can't explain it. He is socially awkward (which is a very true statement) and thought he was getting rid of her. He got very loud and aggressive. He made himself seem like the victim. I just sat there and watch him implode and the explode. I said nothing and looked at my hands. After he finished I got up and went upstairs to the bedroom, where I am now. I am 5.5 month pregnant and feelin very alone. I can't help but feeling that R may not be possible.....

haleyscomet posted 5/8/2013 22:40 PM

sorry you are feeling so alone

think of all of us here and how we all know how much this sucks... but remember too the times you read that it gets better

and not just through R

some get better on their own

he got loud and aggressive

shame on him

i think u need to at least withdraw... focus on you/your children and gather your own wits about you

back off nor for his sake but for your sake -- sometimes they just will never come clean or help us make sense of it -- mine didn't even ever confess!

i knew he was still lying because what he said was true just didn't make sense -- lies fall apart under scrutiny -- there isn't anyway they can cover all the bases with what they fabricate

thats why they get angry when we question them

they f*cked up and they know it


so sorry hon -- please take a breather (((spinning)))

[This message edited by haleyscomet at 10:41 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

RidingHealingRd posted 5/8/2013 23:13 PM

His behavior is 100% unacceptable and I would tell him that.

There is a book called, How to help your spouse heal from your affair

You might want to suggest he pick it up at the bookstore.

I am sorry that you are hurting. Let him know how it makes you feel when he behaves this way. Let him know that you will not allow that. Let him know that he must work daily to help you heal. He must put your needs first...ALWAYS.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 11:15 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

cosmicjoke posted 5/8/2013 23:28 PM

Horrible.. So sorry ((spinning)). How dare he not only do this crap while you're pregnant with his/your child...... but also to upset you now and put you and your baby at risk....????
Wow... you are in such a tough situation. What an insane thing you are going through. I find it hard to believe he was the innocent victim of her threats 'if you don't sleep with me I'll tell everyone you assaulted me'.... Seriously..??! Even if she did, then obviously he played into it because he wanted to, and he could use her threat as a ploy for him to play the 'helpless victim'. 'Well, I screwed her because I had no choice.' Yeah, right.. How convenient. Obviously the right thing would have been to go to YOU and her spouse with this information. But he didn't do that, did he? It sounds like they are both mixed-up, lying manipulators in the fog together. And his projecting his anger at you is definitely a sign he is covering up, deflecting, etc.
He let the OW 'befriend' you & be pretend-nice to you because she is sick and right now he is sick also. It's all part of their sick power game. But I don't understand it either.
Hope you are getting lots of support and you have a safe place to go if he gets you upset again. I would tell him firmly that you're not going to allow it, to protect yourself and your baby. which HE should be focused on also.

Does the other BS know and is there any discussion of NC yet..?

Spinning180 posted 5/9/2013 07:48 AM

The other BS knows but I don't know how much. He is an arrogant asshole so he deserves any and everything his whore wife dishes out. There is a NC. My WH has not contacted her. She had tried on several occasions to contact us, even driving by our house on several occasions. You would think being pregnant with twins would make you focus on other things.

After I posted last night WH came up and apologized. He said that he was frustrated with himself because he is a pathetic loser and he doesn't have a different answer for me. He sai he wishes he did so I wouldn't be in so much pain.

I have access to all of his accounts, he changed his email, we have blocks on the phones, he shut down his Facebook and stopped being friends with someone because of this. This is the first time he has gotten frustrated like that.

tushnurse posted 5/9/2013 08:24 AM

Well it is good that he realized later and apologized for his behavior. However frustrated he is he needs to be aware you are hurting to the N'th degree beyond his level of frustration.

It does sound like you are on the right track, but many of us here know that R can get off to a rough start and just because he willing gave you access to all of that, it does not mean he opened a new FB, email, or cellphone, that you do not know about. It is easy for them to let you look at the stuff they know is clean, it's the hidden stuff that will strike a nerve. When you get close to that they tend to get angry and defensive.

Trust but verify. When you keep finding nothing each time you snoop it slowly allows you to start rebuilding some trust.

(((((and strength)))))

atsenaotie posted 5/9/2013 08:59 AM

Hi Spinning180,

He then blew up and said that he can't explain it.

Many of us men are not well practiced at identifying and interpreting our emotions. For this reason, many emotions and feelings (e.g. fear, embarrassment, shame, and frustration) express as anger. I do not write this to excuse your WH’s behavior, but to point that this is one of the many things a WS needs to improve after dday.

He said that he was frustrated with himself because he is a pathetic loser and he doesn't have a different answer for me. He sai he wishes he did so I wouldn't be in so much pain.

If he is in IC, they should be working on helping him to identify and express his feelings as well as overall communication. This is especially true if he is socially awkward and worse than average at inter-personal communication. Improved communication skills will help not only in his personal relationships, but at work too. If he is not in IC, this is a sign that he really would benefit from it. These skills can also be improved by reading about communication and then practicing.

BTW, he needs to lose the “pathetic looser” bit as an excuse and be a man if he wants his M to work. I doubt you want to be M’d to a pathetic looser. It may be true, but he needs to own what he did, figure out why, then put in place and practice behaviors to prevent re-occurrence.

As for the apology, I had a teacher in school that used to say “if you’re sorry, change”. Saying I am sorry is cheap and easy. Apologizing to acknowledge a fault, and then working to change behaviors or awareness to prevent future occurrences is much harder, but demonstrates true remorse.


Spinning180 posted 5/9/2013 09:17 AM

Thank you for the male perspective. It is really helpful. He is in IC. he has needed to be for some time. He has depression issues that stem from his teenage years.

I check everything. We don't have a lot of money so he wouldn't be able to afford another phone. We have a shared bank account. I see everything that goes in and comes out. I know how much he gets paid and can verify that the full amount is deposited into our account.

He could have other emails that I don't know about. However we have 2 computers and he is not allowed to clear the history. He is a state employee so he can't use his work computer or phone for anything personal.

Some days are better than others. I refuse to not ask questions when I have them. They are fewer and spaced further apart but they are still there.

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