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Newest Member: Else (61873)

User Topic: What was he thinking?
♀ 38690
Member # 38690
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had an affair for 5 months. He has been suffering from PTSD and a midlife crisis. He has been deployed 3 times within ten years. I realize this in not an excuse for him but wonder if it is part of the reason why he had an affair.

Once I discovered the A, he is doing all the right things. We are in MC. He openly told me he gave the OW an engagement ring he got at a pawn shop. This blew my mind and when I asked him why? He said because she just kept telling him she wanted an engagement ring. He said he gave in to get her to leave him alone. She only had it a short time , then he took it back before I found out about the A.

I found her on FB and read all of her posts. Months before she met my WS, she wrote she was looking for a man to take care of her financially. She is 20 years younger. For the life of me I can't figure out why he would do this. He said he never intended to divorce me and I do believe him. I wonder if this was a fantasy for him. I just wish it would all make sense to me.

Married 30 years
DDAy-Jan.31, 2013

Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
♀ 32660
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we all wish what our WSs did would make sense. But as I was told by our MC I have a healthy psychology, my WH and all the ow do not. There are so many things that my fwh did over the years that just do not make any sense to me. And when I bring them up , he really doesn't know himself. I try to rationalize or put myself in his position and what I would have done.
But, I can't because I'm not f***ed up like he is.
The thing is they weren't "thinking" about us, not about their kids, etc.
Just about that quick fix ( or fuck) and the immediate "high" from it.
It will never make any sense to me-
How could it?

Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
♀ 38690
Member # 38690
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My problem I struggle with is, I try to analyze everything. It needs to make sense to me and it doesn't. I just can't find any answers to his behavior and he tells me he really doesn't know either. Our MC says he may never know why he did what he did. I have a hard time accepting that.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
♀ 38851
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i too would have a hard time accepting that, because in order to prevent it from happening again, i think you need to find out why it happened in the first place

Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 39159
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAW- I feel your pain. I can't accept that either.. the 'I don't knows' and 'I can't explains'. It's bullsh*t. I'm an 'answer person' and I need answers to things. How can people go through life like zombies, disconnected form their own behavior and they don't understand why they do things, and have no control over them..? I don't get it. You do things for a REASON and you have choices and you have control over what you do. At least, some of us do, I guess some of us are more conscious and enlightened than others...

Posts: 506 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm getting the same " I don't know". I call bullshit.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

Posts: 984 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 38792
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like the "I don't know" thing either. So, whenever I am questioning things in my mind, I just say to myself "he cheated because HE WANTED TO." He chose to do that behavior, no-one put a gun to his head. There probably were contributing factors but bottom line is, he decided his own fate by his own actions.

Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 31558
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PTSd is a serious thing. I know because my WH's A and all his lies caused me PTSD. I feel a lot of empathy for the men who go off to fight these stupid wars and come back damaged goods. They didn't know what they signed up for, no matter how much they thought they knew at the time. That doesn't excuse his affair bit it could help explain his inappropriate behavior. Acting out his PTSD by escaping into a fantasy. How many of these men come back to abuse their wives or kill themselves? It's messed up. I volunteered time and resources to the Occupy camps and saw a lot of very damaged vets. They were both a little scarey and at the same time, I could often see in them the desire to be heroes. I could understand how hard it must be for them to come home and try to live normal,lives when they are used to the drama of war. That doesn't mean your WH isn't an asshole for hurting you. He needs to get his shit together and be your hero. I wish you the best of luck.

Me: BW a youthful 51
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 58
Married 21 years
Two sons, 18 & 19 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1585 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 8

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