SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

brokenniceguy posted 5/8/2013 23:35 PM

I'm about ready to do this, but a small part of me says it will only create more problems if the BS flips out and starts attacking my family (never met them). We are starting R and I could live with some hateful emails/calls to my WS, but maybe it escalates and they try to destroy careers etc.

Any words of caution or go for it?

cosmicjoke posted 5/8/2013 23:43 PM

Hi BNG- I say go for it. Everyone needs the truth to be able to process fully and deal with it properly. Chances are the other BS will be angriest with the one who betrayed her. But if your W ends up with a destroyed career, then that's called consequences, and oh well, she has to live with it. Maybe it's a long-overdue lesson she's gotta learn. and I think fully dealing with the consequences is a necessary part of R- getting it ALL on the table so that no more secrets are being hidden from anyone. Plus you could probably learn a whole lot more about the person you're living with, once you hear the other side. What's more important anyway- your relationship with your spouse or a career?

Maybe someone has some bad stories, but I think they are pretty rare..

summerain posted 5/9/2013 00:07 AM

Hi brokenniceguy

I do have two negative experiences. I contacted the other betrayed spouse, but by that time the wayward had said that I was crazy etc

I didn't really care. I thought I had done my duty

The second one is more complicated. My wh's bandmate was cheated/ing? on his gf with the same girl WH did!

This isn't too applicable to the situation, but I definitely regret saying anything. In the same breath my conscience is clear.

If i was to be in either situation ever again, I would send a text from a payphone with some indisputable truths or IF possible a registered post delivery. Anonymous for me in the future.

caland posted 5/9/2013 00:37 AM

I wrote out our drama after he found out but I am going to edit and take out the sordid details. I worry it's too identifying for a public board.

When the BS found out (this was not after the inital affair but after they got back together a 2nd time), it did not go well to put it mildly. We ended up in court. We "won" but it was incredibly stressful. There was a lot of fear.

On the other hand, the affair ended and my spouse came out of a very long period of fog. I don't know if that would have ever happened without the big mess. Honestly, I don't think it would have.

So I don't regret it, and from a moral perspective I'm glad he knows, but it was also not at all a good experience.

[This message edited by caland at 12:51 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

tabitha95 posted 5/9/2013 00:44 AM

I regret not telling after the first d-day. I am so happy I told after the second.

They were unlisted so I actually left a message with BH's father, outing her on their answering machine. He got the message and called me back.

I was so glad she couldn't talk her BH into keeping this a secret, like I'm sure she would have. It was outed to his family.

RidingHealingRd posted 5/9/2013 00:50 AM

2 wks post Dday and I successfully located the MOW BS. I immediately called him and shared with him what I knew and sent him the emails I had (proof). He told me that he had suspected something was not right.

We had no additional communication or contact.

Absolutely, tell the other BS they deserve to know what is going on.

betrayed5years posted 5/9/2013 01:10 AM

I gave my WS and OW several months to "fess up" and set a deadline date for my spouse. (The other BS is a neighbor and his good older buddy) Well they did not and I got a below the belt email from the OW with lots of hurtful crap that I knew was crap. I did not respond as it was so laughable as she had been so cool and unmoved by the hurt she and my WS had caused for our family. Her first email was followed by and 2 line apology which I did respond to in time with some very pointed outline of what would happen. She had gotten her registered letter of "no contact" (which was mentioned in the email to other BS) and she was not cool any more. I had seen an attorney and have her job/career on the line as she was sending my WS porno by email while I was in ICU and she was my ICU nurse and continued... (Blessed my WS' habit of not deleting emails/text)

I never heard directly from Other BS about the affair or my email that was carefully worded but have gotten 2 emails that I think OW wrote about a stupid trailer of theirs that is buried under 2 feet of snow still.

So yes, some negative did happen but knew that her words were that of a caught OW that had been lying to her spouse for 5 years and not to be believed.

Would I do it again...yes. It was morally right and he was my friend. Not telling him was heavy on my conscious, soul and heart.

Do think about what you say, share and what the purpose of your words are. My WS and I are in R and sharing with other BS was part of clearing the air for me.

Mack9512 posted 5/9/2013 06:10 AM

I told MOW BS' and I'm glad I did, however it can make it difficult in some aspects. My WH and I are firmly in R, but the MOW and her BS are not and for a while he was using me as a way to hurt his WW, and by extension, my WH. His attempt to get back as his WW made for some rocky moments in my house, but we prevailed.

Tred posted 5/9/2013 08:02 AM

Best thing I did. Without getting into all the details I'll just say that telling the OM's BS is probably the main reason we are in R. I got the "she's a crazy alcoholic who will go nuts" speech, it's not about them its about us speech, and all the other bullshit reasons. Can bad things happen? It's possible, I just think the likelihood is exaggerated. I've only been on this site 18 months, but I think the consensus from experience (not anecdotal what if's) is that you should tell.

annb posted 5/9/2013 08:07 AM

In my situation, the OW BS intercepted a very telling email exchange between OW and my WH. This was prior to the A going physical. OW and WH said they would end it. The other BS *believed* them and didn't contact me bc he didn't want to hurt me. Had he contacted me, the physical part of the A would never have happened as WH had to travel 3,000 to her site.

Well, one month later OW met my H at his hotel room. Shortly thereafter, I discovered the A. I also was afraid to tell her husband for fear he'd go after my WH. My first mistake.

Several weeks later I gave OW an ultimatum....either she tell her H or I would. She did bc she knew I meant it. I contacted her H to confirm, we exchanged a bit of information.

To this day after 8 years I am sorry I did not pick up that phone and call him immediately after D-Day.