SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

suckstobeme posted 5/9/2013 03:01 AM

I don't know. It will be three years since ex douchebag moved out come this fall. I've been on one date, primarily just to make a pushy friend of mine shut up about it already.

I sometimes think about how it would be nice to share life with someone special who thinks I'm special, but then again, I find myself making all kinds of excuses for not jumping into the dating world. While I didn't expect or want this single life, after fifteen years of marriage and having to endure the shit storm of pain that ex rained down on me, I like my independence and am finding myself more and more unwilling to compromise it.

I have lots of good things to fill up my life. My kids, my mom, my career, my friends, my house. Ive worked so hard to put things back together and am feeling stronger by the hour. I don't want someone new coming around to fuck it all up.

This line of thinking is a way to protect myself, but it also scares me. It scares me that I might never open myself up again. Whereas before, I thought that love and respect and a shared history would prevent a partner from hurting me like that, I now see people in a whole new light. Now, I would almost expect another man to also lie, cheat, steal and generally make me want to toss myself out a window.

I know this isn't a race and it's never a bad thing to work on yourself and revel in your independence. However, I do get frightened that I will never see things the same and that the idea of letting someone else have even a tiny piece of me will always make me too scared to try to rebuild that aspect of life.

I don't want to sit on the sidelines forever, but I don't know how to convince myself to get into the game.

SBB posted 5/9/2013 05:42 AM

I'm OK with dating.

Its the relationship part that I worry I won't ever be interested in again. Not just because it scares me but also because I'm not willing to do the work required to be in a relationship.

TBH I don't think I'll ever find someone worthy of me. The sad clown sure wasn't - I knew it from the beginning but thought my standards were too high.

I have small children too - the thought of bringing someone into their lives for X years then breaking up scares the everliving shit out of me. I won't put them through anything like this again.

My IC says I'm just not ready. I don't know that I believe her.

Sad in AZ posted 5/9/2013 05:52 AM

If you have to question it at all, you are not ready. Please don't push it. You'll make yourself miserable and may hurt someone else.

And StrongButBroken, you have described textbook 'not ready'. Believe your IC on this one.

Bluebird26 posted 5/9/2013 06:17 AM

I am almost 2 years out, and still not ready. I have however made some progress, the thought of dating no longer wants to make me throw up to I am actually looking forward to one day meeting someone new.

But I know I haven't worked on myself enough yet. I keep yo-yoing with weight loss/gain and I know I am doing it psychologically because if I'm fat then no body will want me = no one can hurt me again.

I have to get me worked out first as broken attracts broken.

A man doesn't define me though, I will be ok without one. Not saying it wouldn't be nice though

Maybe we need to find some new hobbies

cmego posted 5/9/2013 06:35 AM

ehh...I go in and out. More out than in these days.

I think about it this way: If the right guy comes along and it works out, then I'll try a relationship. In the meantime, a few dates are OK. But...I will not FORCE a relationship. If I don't like them after a date or two, I end it.

I don't really put myself out there a ton. I try OLD...but I turn down 99% of who contacts me. Sometimes I think that I was simply too damaged, then I think...welll...I've really just raised my standards.

SBB posted 5/9/2013 08:15 AM

@SadinAZ, Oh I KNOW I'm not ready for a relationship - I don't believe my IC that this is a temporary state.

jaded_and_lost posted 5/9/2013 08:31 AM

I just posted in New Beginnings about my new life, but wanted to say...
You may...you may not...it's totally up to you and what you want.
I was not quite ready to date when an old friend showed interest and I went for it. It was totally hard- used the 180 tool here modified for dating and it was really helpful as well as a few friends who talked me off the ledge of bailing early on.

Took me five months to say I love you. And once I did so much love poured out of my boyfriend I can't even tell you.

We are very happy. Not sure we'll ever marry or even live together due to my having kids and wanting to spare them another break up if it didn't work out.

Taking it day by day and so far it is totally worth the hard work.

But it is hard work. I think when you're ready or the right person shows up and forces you to decide if your ready...it will happen.

Hugs!

persevere posted 5/9/2013 08:49 AM

I'm two+ years out now and I have been dating, but I realize now it may be time to take a break. I got myself into a dating situation with someone who was recently divorced, and is not ready for a relationship.

Baggage reclaim explains it very well, he's not healed enough to be emotionally available, and more importantly, the fact that I went into that knowingly, may indicate that neither am I.

So, in response to your question, I think you will be interested once you've done the necessary healing, and it just takes time.

ManBearDivorce posted 5/9/2013 10:16 AM

Like many others who have filled the void left from WS, we have so much in our hands and barely have time to share. I know I wouldn't give a woman my spare time if she didn't even strike me as a 10 out of 10. I sometimes have put my standards so high just to protect me from falling in love with somebody who can potentially hurt me again. I know I'm not in anyway ready to date but I have put myself out there regularly to see if I might make myself venerable again to be in a relationship.

damncutekitty posted 5/9/2013 10:50 AM

What's the worst thing that happens if you never date again?

I went 8 years between leaving my XH and being in another LTR. I dated a few people between then, but never anything serious. Mostly dating frustrated and annoyed me and I hated it. I was not looking to date when I met my current SO. I was looking for a FWB, he just sort of charmed me.

There are a LOT of perks to staying single. I loved living alone and not having to answer to anyone. I think I needed a few years of liberation before settling down again.

Jada52 posted 5/10/2013 13:55 PM

I doubt I will ever date again. Seems to be too much trouble on my part. I may change my mind later but right now I would be happy on my own.

Sue1964 posted 5/10/2013 17:40 PM

It's 19 months since I found out and I just can't bring myself to date.one I will never trust again n second I just can't be bothered.

LisaP posted 5/11/2013 23:30 PM

I am 4 years out (divorced) and honestly, I could have written your post word for word, except I don't have a relationship with my mom...

I like things the way they are. It took me a very long time to get to this happier place and I am going to continue enjoying it, alone for now!

[This message edited by LisaP at 11:30 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

LadyQ posted 5/12/2013 06:58 AM

I get where you're coming from and I feel the same way. I'm coming up on 2 years since x left, and truly have no interest in sharing my life right now. I want to decorate my house the way I want. I want to not cook dinner if I don't feel like it. I want to sit around in my jammies on a Saturday or get up early and go garage saleing. There are times when it would be nice to have adult companionship, but quite frankly, a relationship seems like too much work.

I say enjoy your single-hood, enjoy your space, enjoy spending time with yourself. It will make YOU a better person if you ever do decide to date.

tesla posted 5/12/2013 08:29 AM

About 15 months out from D-day...divorced about 6. Not ready nor interested in dating. I tried one date and while the guy was nice and a great conversationalist...all I could think about was -- this is going to take effort.

I'm putting effort into my parenting, work, starting a masters, keeping my little homestead going. I'm trying to make a couple friends. I just don't have any effort left in me to put toward dating or a significant other.

This bothered me for awhile. Like somehow I wasn't being successful because ex-shat has moved on in a relationship (fucked up as it is) and here I am...alone.

Turns out, I really like alone. I like control and deciding my fate. I like not having to compromise. It's nice.

The one thing I tell myself is that if a dating opportunity presents itself, that I should try it, if I want. And when my issues come to the surface over relationships (and they will, because there are issues there) then I promised myself I will go back to IC and work on them.

Until then...I'm enjoying the moment. Don't stress about whether you will ever be interested. Take what you are interested in today at this moment and pursue that. Who knows where that will lead you to.