I sometimes think about how it would be nice to share life with someone special who thinks I'm special, but then again, I find myself making all kinds of excuses for not jumping into the dating world. While I didn't expect or want this single life, after fifteen years of marriage and having to endure the shit storm of pain that ex rained down on me, I like my independence and am finding myself more and more unwilling to compromise it.
I have lots of good things to fill up my life. My kids, my mom, my career, my friends, my house. Ive worked so hard to put things back together and am feeling stronger by the hour. I don't want someone new coming around to fuck it all up.
This line of thinking is a way to protect myself, but it also scares me. It scares me that I might never open myself up again. Whereas before, I thought that love and respect and a shared history would prevent a partner from hurting me like that, I now see people in a whole new light. Now, I would almost expect another man to also lie, cheat, steal and generally make me want to toss myself out a window.
I know this isn't a race and it's never a bad thing to work on yourself and revel in your independence. However, I do get frightened that I will never see things the same and that the idea of letting someone else have even a tiny piece of me will always make me too scared to try to rebuild that aspect of life.
I don't want to sit on the sidelines forever, but I don't know how to convince myself to get into the game.
Its the relationship part that I worry I won't ever be interested in again. Not just because it scares me but also because I'm not willing to do the work required to be in a relationship.
TBH I don't think I'll ever find someone worthy of me. The sad clown sure wasn't - I knew it from the beginning but thought my standards were too high.
I have small children too - the thought of bringing someone into their lives for X years then breaking up scares the everliving shit out of me. I won't put them through anything like this again.
My IC says I'm just not ready. I don't know that I believe her.
And StrongButBroken, you have described textbook 'not ready'. Believe your IC on this one.
But I know I haven't worked on myself enough yet. I keep yo-yoing with weight loss/gain and I know I am doing it psychologically because if I'm fat then no body will want me = no one can hurt me again.
I have to get me worked out first as broken attracts broken.
A man doesn't define me though, I will be ok without one. Not saying it wouldn't be nice though
Maybe we need to find some new hobbies
I think about it this way: If the right guy comes along and it works out, then I'll try a relationship. In the meantime, a few dates are OK. But...I will not FORCE a relationship. If I don't like them after a date or two, I end it.
I don't really put myself out there a ton. I try OLD...but I turn down 99% of who contacts me. Sometimes I think that I was simply too damaged, then I think...welll...I've really just raised my standards.
Took me five months to say I love you. And once I did so much love poured out of my boyfriend I can't even tell you.
We are very happy. Not sure we'll ever marry or even live together due to my having kids and wanting to spare them another break up if it didn't work out.
Taking it day by day and so far it is totally worth the hard work.
But it is hard work. I think when you're ready or the right person shows up and forces you to decide if your ready...it will happen.
Baggage reclaim explains it very well, he's not healed enough to be emotionally available, and more importantly, the fact that I went into that knowingly, may indicate that neither am I.
So, in response to your question, I think you will be interested once you've done the necessary healing, and it just takes time.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
I went 8 years between leaving my XH and being in another LTR. I dated a few people between then, but never anything serious. Mostly dating frustrated and annoyed me and I hated it. I was not looking to date when I met my current SO. I was looking for a FWB, he just sort of charmed me.
There are a LOT of perks to staying single. I loved living alone and not having to answer to anyone. I think I needed a few years of liberation before settling down again.
I like things the way they are. It took me a very long time to get to this happier place and I am going to continue enjoying it, alone for now!
[This message edited by LisaP at 11:30 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]
~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown
I say enjoy your single-hood, enjoy your space, enjoy spending time with yourself. It will make YOU a better person if you ever do decide to date.
I'm putting effort into my parenting, work, starting a masters, keeping my little homestead going. I'm trying to make a couple friends. I just don't have any effort left in me to put toward dating or a significant other.
This bothered me for awhile. Like somehow I wasn't being successful because ex-shat has moved on in a relationship (fucked up as it is) and here I am...alone.
Turns out, I really like alone. I like control and deciding my fate. I like not having to compromise. It's nice.
The one thing I tell myself is that if a dating opportunity presents itself, that I should try it, if I want. And when my issues come to the surface over relationships (and they will, because there are issues there) then I promised myself I will go back to IC and work on them.
Until then...I'm enjoying the moment. Don't stress about whether you will ever be interested. Take what you are interested in today at this moment and pursue that. Who knows where that will lead you to.