Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

He came clean

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

huRtZ413 posted 5/9/2013 07:03 AM

So we're a young couple high school sweetheart as you might put it been together since 2005 but married since 2007 . In 2009 I became a mother and had my second baby in 2012 me and my husband fell into the normal everyday routine where he had his own hobbies and I did too he liked Xbox and I was doin everything else it all seemed ok sure we didn't get time to ourselves but I thought I was a phase we would get over my husband never showed signs of unhappiness and I thought we were completely fine he never went out because he liked being home and weekends were all about family he's a great provider and father and up until now was a great husband . Almost three weeks ago we was out of state for an offsite thing for work and had some downtime so he called to let me know that the guys he worked with were all going to have a few drinks at the bar and that was that I didn't think too much into it and I guess neither did he. I went about my weekend with the kids and was expecting him to arrive the night after and he did accept he came in quietly with no color in his face I chalked it up to he may tired from the long drive . I went on about my day and he stayed quiet until he built up the courage later that afternoon after coming home and confessed that he slept with a college girl later that night while playing beer pong she approached him and flirting with him and said she was very cut to the chase and said she had to have him and without thinking they proceeded forward he said later min into it could throw her off couldn't finish and told her to leave his room , that she bitched him out but left and shortly after he packed his bags came home and told me . My whole world is crashing ! Like I said its been about 3 weeks now and since then he's been helping with everything from cooking to cleaning to take over our girls for me and finding a babysitter for us to go out he's trying really hard everyday. I don't ask to see his phone nor do I even think he's lying I mean he didn't have to come clean I would have never known he was out of state they only knew each others first name . Also he got checked out even though he said she had a condom ( he obviously wasn't looking to have an affair ) but he got checked to ease my mind and with every attempt I keep cutting his head off we managed to be intimate by my requests and for the first Time in along time it wasn't just sex it was very emotional as if he were looking at me for the first time and on our dates his eye always locked on mine I'd catch him starring at me every time I looked his way like a how the hell could I have done this to her or a damn I love this girl lol it made me feel good about what maybe we can work towards again yet I could only find that I only enjoyed it for a bit til my mind began to shift into other negative thought in spite of he efforts . He poured out his heart to me like he never has before saying all things he's willing to do and to feel as if I'm to blame he took full responsibility and told it had everything to do with him and allowing our communication drift and letting himself think he wasn't desired by me when he knew he should of spoke up . He reminds me that I'm beautiful and that he had to tell me cause he could live with a lie and knowing I deserved a choice in staying or leaving but desperately wants me to stay . Everyday I feel like leaving and taking my two girls but when he comes home I melt in his arms I hurt soooooo much yet what he did was so out of character that something in my heart tells me he is telling me truthfully that it won't happen again and if that's not enough then he promised even though he knows he won't if it happened again he would give me the same courtesy of telling me but that he swears if things got to appointment where he thinks things need to change he would come to me . He's been more open to me yet its all too fresh and he's my first love and he has my virginty and he's the father of my two little girls which he loves very deeply that he held him that day and just cried and told them sorry that daddy has been bad . Now I'm here and the major dust ( me screaming crying and not eating) has settled I ....well he finds that I'm zoning out with no emotion no response like staring out a window . He ask what he can do for me all the time but idk what to tell him. The pain in down to the bone but I can't leave him yet I can't let this go . We both told each other that we can't see it being anybody else's happy ending but ours . He doesn't wants other man raising our girls that it has to be him he has to have me that he doesn't want the to go that he wants our new life and a home and share the big moments in life with me . I feel that it should be me I gave him everything no other women will know him like I do and the trouble in his head and the hard times he has been through I was there for all that I share that miracle of the birth of his baby girls he's only ever cried in front of me I works hard for me . .....but again I'm too hurt to move forward and he's very scared right now at my distance and is scared that I'm so vulrable and though he said he knows he deserves it he is afraid I will seek to get even and he wouldn't blame me but prays I won't ......I've thought of it yes I would lying if I said I hadn't but I know I won't but that won't stop his fear and maybe I want him to fear that ...

Tiredofthepain posted 5/9/2013 08:27 AM

Well, the good news is he came home and told you. That is a big plus, but you need to seek help for you right now.
This is a horrible blow to you in every way and you need time to heal from this horrible shock.
You need to seek some IC for yourself and also MC to find out why is was so easy for him to betray you like that.
Are you sure this is the first time he has cheated? You need to make sure it is and like I said, you need to take care of you right now.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 5/9/2013 08:31 AM

Mine confessed too. In some ways it makes it easier, in others not so much. The pain is still there, everyday, but, it does get better.

Have you guys talked about MC (marriage counseling) or IC (individual counseling)? We got into both within a week of D-day and honestly, I think it saved our marriage. I know you said you haven't, but I did request transparency with his phone and email, it was something easy he could do to make me feel (just a little bit) more secure.

We're about 18 months out (a little more) and R is going really really well and I do attribute it a lot to early intervention and his total disclosure.

Keep posting, you're not alone. This is a marathon, not a sprint and you can get through it.

la433 posted 5/9/2013 08:53 AM

he took full responsibility and told it had everything to do with him and allowing our communication drift and letting himself think he wasn't desired by me when he knew he should of spoke up

1st good thing, he admitted to you without being discovered. 2nd good thing, he took full responsibility instead of blame shifting.

You have a chance.

I know it's hard, but it sounds as if there are better days ahead for both of you if get counseling and he gives you complete access to his phone/email.

Complete accountability by him and forgiveness by you.

Don't kid yourself that it'll be easy. But after reading many of the stories on SI, sounds like you have a chance to have a more positive outcome than many others, mine included.

Hell, mine won't even acknowledge that there was an affair.

Good luck, and keep reading and posting on this site.

ohgoodgrief posted 5/9/2013 09:41 AM

Sorry you have the need to be here but you are at the best place to help you get thru this. Lots of hard learned experience here.

First....from what you wrote, it appears you have a good chance of saving a marriage. The confession, owning up, and over the top efforts are a good start....but it is only a start. Both of you have lots of work to do.

I would start with both of you seeing different IC. Your initial objective with your IC should be to help you survive the initial trauma of infidelity.....this is different than healing. Right now you just need to survive it. Healing yourself will come later. And healing the marriage is after that.

He needs to start IC with the objective of finding out what is broken in him that would allow him to cross that boundary into infidelity. "I was drunk and foolish" is not the correct answer. Digging deep to find the broken part is the ONLY correct answer. The key to him finding the answer is first finding out what his reward was from the affair....what need was he getting met..... Then figuring out why he had that need to begin with. is not because he wasn't getting that need met by you....whatwas missing in him and why. I have lots more on that subject but this would be a good place for him to start.

Personally, I would hold off on the MC until you have both reached a better place emotionally and mentally. True healing of yourself and your marriage is a very slow process that happens in very small unnoticeable increments that you only see the progress by comparing to where you were 3 months ago or 6 months and then a year and 2 years etc. and as long as you can continue to see positive steps..... Then you know you are on the right path.

Neither of you needs to start out this journey with expectations. Start with the attitude of exploring with an open mind Use this initial time to learn more about yourselves as individuals and work on being a better you. Then you will both be able to bring so much more to the table when you start MC. If you follow the process you may be one of the fortunate couples that comes out of this with a stronger better marriage....but at the very least you will be a better stronger you.

I say this with the knowledge that trying to do too much, too fast, only leads to disappointment which then turns to resentment......resentment leads to either infidelity, revenge, or the best case.....DIVORCE. I personally would take divorce over revenge or infidelity....just sayin.

You have a long way to go now....the joy of marriage is over and the work of marriage needs to begin. The reward of the hard work will be the rebuilding of a better you.....and hopefully a better marriage.

tushnurse posted 5/9/2013 12:38 PM

welcome. You will find lots of great advice and wonderful people here.

Like the others have said you guys are off to a good start w/ recovery from your H's misadventure.

Read in the healing library up there on the left side of your screen. This will help you to understand there are steps that most of us follow to get through this.

You are both so young, and sound like you probably have only been with each other. I would like to say that MC will be good for both of you, to help you understand what each of you need to have a great marriage.

You can survive this, and you can even end up in a better place at the end of the road. But you both have the hard work of healing and R'ing ahead of you.

Sending you both Hugs and Strength.

huRtZ413 posted 5/9/2013 13:08 PM

tiredofthepain- my husband has lots of faults but hes always been very forward no matter the situation so no i believe this is the first time . he was in straight shock on his face when he came home . aside from this major screw up in all the years ive known him hes always been the person to do the right thing which is why this blows my mind and i guess even his he stands there alot of the time baffled . so yeah i believe this to be the first time im sure he would of told me if he had before being he told me this all within a 24 hour period . he is those guys that own up to theirs which is why i find it so hard to leave hes done sooooooo much for me in times of need and aside from this really has never even had "wanting to be single " tendancies he said he has a few drinks but was not drunk so he didnt use that as an excuse . and we are going to see a MC very soon / hes not much a talker but he is trying really hard to make it work so he set it up. i dont know why it feels as if he fell in love with me again i wish i could embrace it though just cant at the moment . think he cam to his own realization in some way cause he is showing no sign of holding back he is more than willing i have all access to his emails and phone hell i even talk to his boss about whats going on and they have also been supportive which is why were seeing a MC for free through his work . i hope i can find peace with this one day . i truely hope i can be happy with him i know i love him dearly but the pain is unbareable at times i cant pull myself out of bed.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy