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Where Do I Go From Here?

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h0pe4ul posted 5/9/2013 07:41 AM

It's been a couple of weeks since my last post. A lot has happened since then.

I was able to tell H about the chats I found and we discussed them. He still doesn't remember having them because it was five years ago but acknowledges that he can see how "shady" everything may look to me and that he doesn't blame me for being suspicious. He apologized for not telling me about the woman he met during that time (things were really bad then and we weren't communicating that well). Then, we went through the accounts together and he closed them out in front of me. I had to give him the login info because he had no idea how to get in or what sites to go to. :)

Since that discussion, I feel that I have gotten all of the answers that I have been needing and am ready to focus on where we are today vs. the last several years.

I also am OK with calling my H hubby instead of WH. I am not ready to assign the FWH just yet but can see we are making some progress.

The only thing that I feel kind of awkward about is that it feels somewhat strange now to go from being so hurt and getting all of the answers needed to my questions to now working with H on where we are today.

It feels kind of weird to not go through all the drama, yet, my guard is still very high. I'm not as hyper-vigilant as I was before although I still check on occasion (maybe once a week).

H is still being accountable and letting me know what's going on with the FF if they do contact him or vice's mostly been the FF contacting him. He's backed off in that area a lot.

I am ready to put my best foot forward but do feel that part of me that is always on guard. I am not nave like I used to be and won't hesitate to let H know what I need or don't, whether I know he will like it or not. I am also trying to work more on focusing on what he needs too since R is about the both of us, not just one or the other.

I am learning how to focus on today and what is H doing today. We still have a ways to go but I just wanted to know if anyone else in R kind of felt like I do now?

Were you happy to be able to start focusing on the present yet kind of feel lost about how to do so since the past played such a big part of your life for so long?

AFrayedKnot posted 5/9/2013 10:52 AM

It sounds like you are in a good place.

A couple books that we read to start working on the present and future were 5 Love Languages and The Marriage you have Always Dreamed Of. They both helped in seeing bad patterns from our past and creating new ones for our future.

Don't get discouraged if the roller coaster keeps going, because it probably will. We take the time to evaluate what we need on a daily basis. Some days we are still healing from the past and other days we are freer to work on the present and future. Honest and open communication makes that possible.

h0pe4ul posted 5/9/2013 11:42 AM

Thank you, Chicho!

I will make sure to look into the books you referred.

Have a great week. :)


libertyrocks posted 5/9/2013 12:55 PM

omg, h0pe4ul, I am seriously right next to you in all this!!!!!!

I'm so proud of you and the strength you have for your family.

Yes, I do. 2 weeks after his final Dday, I am finally at peace and ready to move on.
For the last week, we have not argued. He still answers Q's, but I'm actually loving again. He's been great. I have been replacing all the hate and anger with love. Telling myself to smile, love him, love "us" again. And, it's been working for me. I'm tired of the pain, the hurt, the tears, the hours of talking and crying with him. With the help of IC/MC, we are FINALLY moving foward. It's strange to slowly let go of my 6 month tumor that's left me in agony for so long. I'm ready to be happy and most importantly, create NEW memories with H and our kids. Good luck, sweetie. I'm so rooting for you guys!

h0pe4ul posted 5/9/2013 14:09 PM

My Liberty! :O)

It is great to hear from you. It's been awhile.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words.

I am glad that things are so much better with you and your H.

It's a weird thing, isn't it?

For the last two weeks, I have been in a very strange place and have even thought about going back to IC because of it. I have been partially elated that I am ready to let go of yesterday and embrace today but then I also felt kind of lost because of dealing with the pain so long and now not like before, it just felt weird...

I couldn't believe how lost I was to be at this new place but am thankful to get to this place.

It's been nine long years to get to this place after the first A occurred and all the others in between but for the most part, I am ready to move forward and honestly don't have any ill feelings towards the OW like I used to have.

I hold my H responsible for the things done bc at the end of the day, he was the one who vowed to do right by me till death do us part and he was the one who allowed anything to take place that did take place.

Yet, I am ready to make it official and let him know that I forgive him for the things done in the past. I've never really told him I accepted his apologies because I didn't before.

I have acknowledged what I've seen him do to make things right but never said I accepted his apologies when he would tell me he's sorry for hurting me. I realize I didn't accept it before partly because I didn't think he was truly sorry and partly because I wanted him to suffer...not giving him the forgiveness needed was a way for me to punish him or so I thought but at the end of the day, I suffered more inside than he did...He was tortured, YES, but not more than me because the more I held the past over his head, the more tormented I actually felt inside. I had some relief temporarily but the bitterness only grew the more and more I tortured him.

Everyone arrives at this place on their own and in their own way, so in no way am I saying that everyone should be where I am today or should get there how I did....this is just a place I am arriving at and am thankful for.

I am looking to tell him when we have some alone time this weekend but we will see how things go. The apologies being accepted are for the things done in the past but that doesn't mean he still won't be checked up on in the present if need be or won't have to be accountable regarding the FF and anything else we are doing now...those things still stand bc trust is still being established but for the most part, I am ready to let go of the digging of the past and making sense out of it all....I'm OK and ready to move on and now work on where we are today.

I wish you and your family all the best, liberty! Thank you for writing. :)

[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 2:12 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

libertyrocks posted 5/9/2013 15:23 PM

Wow, you are doing amazing! I'm sooo HAPPY for you guys. 9 years, wow. He sure did shape up! He probably knew deep down inside what a gem he would lose if he didn't get his act together. Sounds like you two have the real thing. Love. That is. It can survive anything. Obviously.

Yes, I've been MIA for a bit because things going so well. For now, haha. But, I'll take it. I'll take the happiness while I can get it.

I want to get back to you. It's so awesome you gave him the gift to turn his life around, because that's really what you did. You gave him another chance at life by sticking by him and working together in your M. You have oddles and oddles of superwoman strength! SO nice to hear you are doing well.

I think about that phrase often...Till death do us part...they weren't kidding! At least we weren't.
(Big hugs!)

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:25 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

h0pe4ul posted 5/9/2013 18:15 PM

Thank you, Liberty!!!!! :)

Deep down inside, I do believe we have the real thing. We have been through so much with the A but also in other areas of our lives individually and together. So many other things compiled with the A. However, we always manage to get through them together.

It's amazing how so many people I thought would be in my life forever (some family included) are no longer here. Yet, no matter what H and I go through, we can't seem to get away from each other. He even says the same thing.

We both have a lot of maturing to do in so many ways. We got married fairly young and quick and yet, I truly believe that all that we've been through can just be life lessons we can build upon to be able to truly enjoy each other in our later years.

We have almost two decades down together...I pray we get to have many, many more. I am seeing him grow into a man and I am learning that I have to be patient....patience is something I lacked tremendously throughout life and is something I am learning I need to have in order to allow him to grow as well.

It's not always easy but I know it's not impossible. I need a lot of breathing room myself to grow.

We both have a lot of work still to do. A lot!

However, I pray the worst is over and that we can really put the past behind us so that we can focus on working on now and tomorrow.

Have a great weekend, Liberty, if we don't get to speak again the next few days.

Love you much!


libertyrocks posted 5/10/2013 15:21 PM

YOu! You've been putting 9 years of work in! I'm the one with a long long long way to go. lol. But, I'll take it! I love my H. I now blame his parents for effing up his life. lol. I'm jk. He chose to make bad decisions, they did the best they could...just like any of us.

I think the worst is over, for us both. With God's will (crossing my fingers). Honestly, H and I had a great 10 years. Everyone always commented what an awesome couple we were. It wasn't until the first baby came that things got bad...

Have a nice weekend, too!
Luv ya girl!

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