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I just dont get it....

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SandAway posted 5/9/2013 09:06 AM

I just don't get how WS's mourn the loss of their AP.

I do however mourn the loss of my M. It wasn't perfect, but is wasn't tainted by my A.

I mourn for the loss of my BH. We are still together and committed to R, but he is a completely changed man.

I mourn for the ease of laughter between my BH & I. While we do laugh, it certainly isn't as often or come with such ease.

I mourn for the sparkle in my BH eyes. All I see now is sadness.

I mourn for a mind free from my A. I think about the damage it has caused all the time.

I mourn for the dead sleep my BH use to have, free of dreams.

I mourn for the days I thought a 'trigger' was something that was part of a gun.

I mourn for the days when silence between us didn't really mean anything.

I guess I just don't understand how someone can mourn the loss of the AP when someone who loves them very, very much is still there beside them, wanting to work on the M and hurting way more you can possibly imagine...

Mourn for the loss of the AP?

Fuck the AP...

[This message edited by SandAway at 9:08 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Aubrie posted 5/9/2013 09:14 AM

Word Sister.

I didn't mourn the AP himself as much as I mourned the feelings he gave me. It wasn't about him. It was the feelings. The validation. I used a very sick, twisted man to get what I needed for me. It was all about me and my feelings. I overlooked the fact he was an SA. I overlooked the fact he used arm chair shrink tactics on me to suck me in further. All I looked at was feelings and validation.

Its heartbreaking to see newbies in the fantasy stage, still adamant that they what they had was "real" and "perfect".

We were both there too Sand. Don't forget that. Maybe one day they will realize the truth.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:21 AM, May 9th, 2013 (Thursday)]

longroadhome posted 5/9/2013 09:37 AM

Well said, SandAway.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 5/9/2013 09:42 AM

Well said.

BaxtersBFF posted 5/9/2013 09:46 AM

I agree, and I went through that stage too. Like Aubrie says though, it isn't the AP, it is the feelings. Once a person makes that distinction, it is easier to see how fucked up those feelings were, and the source.

I think that a lot of people exist feeling everything internally, hidden deep within ourselves. And I think we live that way as a sort of self protection. When the A starts, those internalized feelings are off the chart. Never knowing another way of dealing with emotions/feelings, it can be very difficult to learn a new way of experiencing those feelings and the new feelings.

I miss many of the same things that you listed, but it is a chance to grow too.

JKL Vikings posted 5/9/2013 09:46 AM

hugs from TX. I don't get it either. The best thing any remorseful wayward can say to their AP is simple
Go away and STAY away.
Keep doing right by your H. Show him that R is in fact the right move. I know it's hard. You can do it. Holler or even PM anytime.

SandAway posted 5/9/2013 10:06 AM

Yes, it is true that mourning for the loss of the AP is the same as mourning for the high that the A gave us. But, again, I never mourned those feelings.

Since DDay, I never once missed any of that. My BH was my only concern.

We are all different and end up here from different situations. It just seems there has been a lot of talk lately about this and I wanted to add my thoughts to it all.

hardlessons posted 5/9/2013 10:13 AM

My BH was my only concern.

Where do you fit in with that? Remember you betrayed yourself first, before you plopped this shit on your BS right?

Trying33 posted 5/9/2013 10:26 AM

I'm sorry if my posts have upset some people. This was not my intention. I was just being honest and seeking support.

I realise it may have come across insensitive and I apologise for that.

Was just trying to reach out.

BaxtersBFF posted 5/9/2013 10:31 AM

Trying, I don't think this is specifically about you or anyone in particular. It is a matter of fact that what we read is going to make us reflect upon our own situations, and it's okay.

SandAway...sorry if I'm out of line answering this post.

badchoice posted 5/9/2013 10:42 AM

I went through that phase after my first A. I too thought it was about the AP, but for me, it was about holding onto some sort of control, and not letting myself be vulnerable for fear of being left.

As I pick it apart now, for me, it was a way to protect myself. That if my W decided to leave, it would be a soft landing, and easy way out for me. I was not ready to be authentic with myself, or my W at the time.

I can't speak for all WSs, but I agree that it is not about the AP. It is about the feeling, and as long as you are living based on what you feel, and not your commitments, you can't truly look at R as an option.

Trying, I don't think you are upsetting anyone. I don't think you should make this about you per se.

OktoberMest posted 5/9/2013 12:42 PM

I didn't mourn the AP himself as much as I mourned the feelings he gave me. It wasn't about him. It was the feelings. The validation. It was all about me and my feelings.

Yes. This.
All about me....shame I didn't get that at the time :( I guess for an intellectually bright person, it just highlights how emotional dumb I was. :(

SandAway - this is exactly where I am. Unlike you however, I did mourn the loss the A feelings but I realise now it's because I shut myself off from my BH deliberately. I caused the rift when a crack appeared and put the AP in the gap in the middle right between me and my BH. And after the AP was gone I didn't know how to reconnect. Thank God my BH stuck with me long enough from me to get my head out of my arse. Love him.

I don't mourn the AP and I didn't from the day I actually committed to R. Like I switched off from him and refocussed on "us". I grieve from our M; I hate that we can't reminisce about our wedding day. I miss that look my BH used to have for me....I'm sad I threw all this away.

SandAway posted 5/9/2013 12:59 PM

Where do you fit in with that? Remember you betrayed yourself first, before you plopped this shit on your BS right?

Yes, that is true. I was referencing that I didn't miss anything about my A and that my BS was my concern, not the AP or the high from the A. And I did betray myself - I have since realized I had very poor boundaries all my life along with other realizations that I never considered before.

Trying33 - BaxtersBFF and badchoice are right, my post had nothing to do with your posts, or anyone really. I was just reflecting my thoughts - which once again I probably should have kept to myself. I am truly sorry if I have offended you, or anyone else.

[This message edited by SandAway at 1:01 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

1985 posted 5/9/2013 13:30 PM

Sand, don't apologize for posting your thoughts. The thoughts you express at the beginning of this thread are exactly what a BH needs to hear. And, more importantly, to feel from his W. Your H needs to be able to read these words coming from you. He needs to see actions that show the words to be true. He needs to be able to look into your eyes and see that those words come from your heart. You can't begin to imagine how healing your words will be for him when/if he can believe they do come from your heart. Please don't hold back on expressing thoughts and emotions of the type you express at the beginning of this thread. give them to your H often. Show him they are real and true.

SandAway posted 5/9/2013 13:59 PM

Thanks 1985

I do hold back my thoughts. To much.

Your words really hit me - thank you

Joanh posted 5/9/2013 19:27 PM

I agree, there is no missing the AP , the fact is that it was a total screwed up version of reality, so how do you miss that. The only thing I see of the other person is the opportunist he was and is. Its a relief that person is gone. no more lies deciet and bull any more. It is not something a FWS should be doing is mourning that loss. Just my opinion

libertyrocks posted 5/10/2013 11:49 AM

I mourn for the days I thought a 'trigger' was something that was part of a gun.

Me too. I'm a BS, but I totally sympathize with you all, too. It's not "easier" for any of us. I'm glad your BH is still holding on to you. It makes me believe in love again and how strong he is to try to help you because he truly loves you and only you. This board gives me insight because you all have hearts too. Yours are just a little heavier...

I didn't realize how much this board could help me understand WS perspective.

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