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trustagain posted 5/9/2013 09:55 AM

My FWH (DS's SD)found a condom wrapper (opened and empty) on the bathroom floor this morning. He so nicely woke me up at 5:30am to show me. Ugh!!!! I of course tried to get back to sleep but couldn't. So when I did get up I confronted DS16. His eyes looked like a deer in headlights. We had the sex talk about a month ago because I found condoms in his room. I tried to explain to him the importance of making the decision to have sex and all that comes with the responsibility. I got the "I know Mom".

Since DS's GF started to drive a few months ago, I stressed our rule that she cannot be in the house without an adult home. (this was always the rule, but now we lose a little control)

So this morning I told him the wrapper was found on the bathroom floor. He said it must have fallen out of his pocket and that his GF was not in the house without us home (we were out last night). He said that it was in his shorts from the weekend when they were playing pranks on a friend. (I must have stupid written on my face, but it was early and I didn't have my wits about me yet). I then asked him if that was the story he was sticking with and he said yes. I then told him that my first thought was he was "practicing" and he said No- with this disgusted look on his face.

So DS leaves for school and I call GF's Mom to ask her if GF was home last night. The Mom confirmed that she was home since after school. Whewww..... ok at least the rule wasn't broken when the condom wrapper was found and he didn't lie about his GF being over.

I am planning to talk to him again tonight when I get home. I know it is embarrassing, but I really need to stress the importance of being open, etc. I know though it won't happen. I wasn't honest with my Mom about sex way back when.

The next thing I will have to do is handle this with DS's SD. I think I will just tell him the truth - that DS said it fell out of his pocket and that I confirmed GF was not over last night and leave it at that.

I can't stop him from having sex. I wish he waited, but I can't change that. He has been with the same GF since 8th grade, I knew the day would come.

So what are my chances of having DS open up about this to me?

MissesJai posted 5/9/2013 09:59 AM

Whatever you do, and it seems like this may already be the case - make sure your DS feels safe talking to you about this. That is instrumental in getting him to open up to you and be honest about it. Good luck!

ajsmom posted 5/9/2013 10:03 AM

You have your answer.

The GF wasn't there.

IMO, that's all you really need to know right now.

Look at it this way, at least he is handling things safely.

AJ's MOM

trustagain posted 5/9/2013 10:16 AM

I have always tried to be open with my sons about sex, drugs, drinking. I just expect the truth. DS23 was always very open, almost too much for my liking, but I sat, listened and advised the best I could. DS16 is not his brother at all. He gets very embarrassed about this stuff and has more of the attitude of he knows everything.

Last month when I found the condoms I sat and talked to him that condoms don't always work and if he and his GF thought they were for the next step then she should be taking responsibility and be on BC as well. I got the "I know Mom" then as well.

I just don't know what boys "do". I really really thought I was going to hear the "practicing" that is why I asked that - to give him an out. I would think that would be pretty normal for a boy to do, but what do I know ?

I know as soon as I sit him down, he is going to roll his eyes - like "Oh hear we go again".

I think I am more nervous about him breaking the rule about no GF in house without an adult home. I did tell him this morning that he never knows what his SD's schedule is and he could come home at any time. I also told him that we could put the cameras up outside and see if GF comes over. Just a little scare tactic I guess on my part. He again swore she wasn't and hasn't been there without an adult. I have to trust him on that.

This raising boys thing is getting harder, not easier IMO.

h0peless posted 5/9/2013 10:19 AM

I don't know about other boys but "practicing" wasn't on my list of things to do. :) The fact that he's using condoms is a great thing. Much better to find out he's sexually active that way than a pregnancy.

ajsmom posted 5/9/2013 10:21 AM

I think you're going a bit overboard here. Threatening to put up cameras? Really??

I've got one of dem der boys myself. A super responsible one - as is your DS. I think you need to let him navigate this. He knows how you feel. It appears he didn't break your rule.

I know this may be tough for you, but Just. Let. It. Go.

Scare tactics and pushing him for answers are only going to shut him down.

Undefinabl3 posted 5/9/2013 10:48 AM

I did this with SDS when we found out he was having sex.

I was just completely honest with him, we actually had a mature conversation.

We also made him an appointment to do a round of STD testing (even though he swore he didnt have one) and explained that doing these tests every 6 months (or year depending on activity) that its protecting his health and well being.

If he's going to do it, he needs to be responsible. And make sure that he has a stash of condoms. I know it seems like you are helping the cause, but he will always find a way to do it, and you would rather him have one then not have one.

MissesJai posted 5/9/2013 10:49 AM

Scare tactics and pushing him for answers are only going to shut him down.

Undefinabl3 posted 5/9/2013 10:51 AM

I got the "I know Mom" then as well

When he says this next time, you need to look him in the eye and say...

No, you dont know yet. All you know is that sex is fun and it feels good. That this is something you think you have control over.

You will think that 'you know' until either you get an STD or she turns up pregnant because in reality you only think 'you know'

You are not trying to stop him, but you are trying to protect him and help him to understand that there are REAL consequences to his actions.

PS...my DS is a condom baby. It really does happen.

ajsmom posted 5/9/2013 11:17 AM

So if this happened:

We had the sex talk about a month ago because I found condoms in his room.

Wasn't all of this covered?

You will think that 'you know' until either you get an STD or she turns up pregnant because in reality you only think 'you know'

Undefinabl3 posted 5/9/2013 11:59 AM

Wasn't all of this covered?

You would hope, but anyone with a teen can tell you that it will go in one ear and out the other.

ajsmom posted 5/9/2013 12:06 PM

You would hope, but anyone with a teen can tell you that it will go in one ear and out the other.

Yeah, I had three of those at one time.

My point here is that trustagain has to tread carefully. She's probably already got him a bit spooked/pissed with her reaction (can't imagine hitting the kid first thing in the AM with this), and again, IMO, if she really wants to shut him up, then by all means, she should go for the kill with a sit-down lecture.

I'd put some space between this and then reapproach, confirming what was said the first time around in their talk.

All you can get at that point is confirmation that he's listened and understands. Ultimately, like life, the rest is up to him.

tushnurse posted 5/9/2013 12:51 PM

Trust take a deep breath, the fact that you found condoms, probably means that he was already using them. esp since he has had the same girlfriend for 2 years?

Threatening him w/ cameras and other scare tactics is not going to keep him from doing the deed. Instead of coming to his home where it's safe, and he has access to the things he needs (ie condoms) you are risking him doing it in the back of a car, a bathroom, behind the school, where ever they can get 5 minutes without someone in their business. Oops he doesn't have a condom, oh what will one time hurt? See where I am going with this?

Although you may not be on board with his actions, he is being as responsible as a 16 boy can be. And it is different now from when we were young. Despite our best efforts many young people look at sex, as just that, and act that makes you feel good. Not making love and something special that you save for the one person you plan to spend the rest of your life with.

I have a 16 as well, and pull no punches. I have bought condoms, and convienently placed them so he knows they are in the house. He knows that I don't want him having sex willy nilly, and I fairly certain he has abstained from the act of intercourse thus far. But he also knows that I would far prefer him being in his home, or a safe secure place than out and about when that time comes.

StillGoing posted 5/9/2013 13:06 PM

If my mom tried to talk to me about using condoms when I was 16 I'd have rather cut my foot off and kicked myself in the face.

Also, if your DS is stubborn at all then threatening to put up cameras to prevent 16 year old teenagers from having sex is one of those things that could end up as an Internet legend.

If you want productive embarrassment, praise him for his responsibility in using a condom so he doesn't end up a teenage dad up all night with a baby missing out on being a kid himself or with a colorful STD that will make his dong burn like the fires of the sun before it falls off and disappears into the sewers to become king of the forgotten crocodile monsters.

Sad in AZ posted 5/9/2013 13:18 PM

I also agree that you over-reacted. I understand that you want honesty, but you were ambushed and in turn ambushed him.

If you want an open and honest relationship, threats are not the way to go. They are going to lie once in a while; don't shut the door to further conversations with rash actions.

ETA: Mother of a DS; he always told the truth eventually...

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 1:20 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

jrc1963 posted 5/9/2013 14:09 PM

Not to add to your stress level but...

I stressed our rule that she cannot be in the house without an adult home.

I had sex with my boyfriend many many times while my parents were in their beds sleeping.

If your DS knows hows and whys of condom use and is actually using them... than I think you need to let go just a bit and trust him.

tushnurse posted 5/9/2013 14:11 PM

Sad that is perfect. My boy is like that too.

He will always tell the truth eventually.

trustagain posted 5/9/2013 18:54 PM

Thank you everyone.

We had a nice talk (well at least I think we did). I just explained our rule again - GF not in the home without us home. I told him that I don't necessarily agree that he is having sex at this young age, it is his body and his life, but to make sure he is responsible enough for everything that comes with it. I told him that the use of condoms is great, but she also should take responsibility and ensure that she is protected as well. I told him that he does not want to be a 17 y/o Dad and that I am not ready to be a Grandma . He giggled and we left it at that. I told him that I was not angry with him but wanted to be able to leave the lines of communication as open as possible.

He seemed ok with the talk. I hope if he has any questions about any of this, he will reach out to his older brother.