I was not trying to be dramatic or make a statement. It was genuinely how I felt.
Weeks went by and she apparently never noticed (or never let on that she noticed) until we were away recently and got into a big argument about it (I had posted about this before).
Then the one year anniversary of d-day came and went. My wife showed me a lot of love, kindness and understanding.
Anyway, another period of time elapsed and I was thinking about my ring. I ultimately decided to put it back on.
I felt like not wearing my ring was sending the wrong signal. Not to my wife but to the rest of the world that somehow I was single and available and I just wasn't comfortable with that.
I still think it lost some of its meaning. But now I see another meaning in the ring. That I am committed to someone and unavailable. At least for the present.
I still can't predict what happens down the road but for now I'm still married.
Today, she thanked me for putting the ring back on. I really didn't do it for her but for me. If it comes off again, it will be because I am no longer married.
[This message edited by phoenix54 at 10:46 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]
Or am I confusing your story with someone else's? (It happens.)
I guess my question would be: did you re-think this, or are you giving in because anything else is feeding her drama llama?
I ask that not to be critical, but to understand. Shit, my wife went out and bought me a replacement wedding ring and came home all excited for me to wear it (complete with her wanting to recite our wedding vows as she put it on) that went over completely like a lead balloon for me. I'd specifically said that I wasn't interested in a new ring after I threw mine away when I learned that the duration of the affair hadn't been 3-4 months, but a couple of years.
The new ring felt incredibly disrespectful. It felt like she was trying to smooth things over. A very small part of me also understood that it was a gesture of hope (this was just a few months after D-day)...but most of me resented the living fuck out of it.
But I wore it. Took it off and left it in the truck sometimes. Lost it a couple of times. Finally dug out my old wedding band (that my wife had pulled from under a dresser or something after I'd pitched it) and used it to keep the new one on, because it's a bit too big and I'm too lazy to have jewelry re-sized.
Seriously, I hated the shit out of the replacement ring for a long time, but I knew I'd get over it...and even though I'm more than happy to be a dick on regular occasions, I also didn't want to hurt my wife's feelings by rejecting and ridiculing her little flicker-of-hope gesture.
So...like I said, no criticism here. I just think it's important to delve into *why* you'd put it back on so soon after it was the catalyst for a big, bitchy wife explosion.
[This message edited by Knowing at 11:24 AM, May 9th, 2013 (Thursday)]
We are in R.
Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an
FWH bought me a gorgeous new set of rings... I told him that a diamond wasn't appropriate so he went back and got a green sapphire instead. It's the exact color of my eyes. It's amazing. I HATE it at the moment. I can't wear it. It's more a hard reminder and apology than a new start for me. It came way too soon.
Now I wear a $10 silver band FWH got me 3 years before we were married when I miscarried and he promised that whether we stayed together or not he would always care for me.
He didn't dig it back up and give it to me again - I decided that it still held meaning for me, and I want to do the right thing and display a ring that shows the general public that I am married and I am going to respect my H and my marriage.
I look down at it and I'm sad that I'm not rocking some kind of bling, but it feels like the most authentic-to-me thing to have on my finger right now.
The most important thing we can do as healing BS's is be true to ourselves every step of the way. Wearing a ring after DDay is a very personal decision, and I can't imagine there being a uniform reason why someone should or shouldn't be wearing it.
Hold the ring between the thumb and the index finger, so that you can look through the hole.
What number does it look like??
Yes.... a big fat 'ZERO'..
That's how much a wedding ring, hers and mine, mean to me.
..last year, one of our cats got my ruby ring that my parents gave me for my 18th birthday and proceeded to play with it. Haven't seen it since. I wear no rings or any jewelry now.
After my H first A, I threw away the ring he gave me the day we got married. So, for about four years, I walked around without a wedding ring even though we had reconciled some months after we had separated.
During our fourth year of R, my H surprised me with a vow renewal ceremony at church where he invited my family and friends and his loved ones to come out w/our church family. He bought me a brand new diamond ring to commemorate the renewal.
That was nice until his EA a couple of years later, of which, I pawned that ring.
After that, I bought myself a new, simpler wedding band as a sign of my commitment to God, my H and myself and to have on my hand to show that I was committed and not available but is just temporary until either H and I renew for real the next time or it comes off for good...
[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 11:51 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]
H asked why I wasn't wearing it, so I put it back on. I took it off for a few weeks here and there. But, it's back on.
I get sad everytime I look at it. But, this is my life. This is what I got dealt. What am I supposed to do? I'm tired of fighting myself, I'm tired of being angry. I don't want to cry. I'm in a weird wounded kind of stage now. The bewilderment and angst seems to be residing for now. I feel calmer and loveable again. It's kind of nice. Melancholy, but in a pleasant kind of way.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:08 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]
I'm not going to drive that process. It would have to be her doing.
I put it back on because I was rethinking the meaning.
For the present, I am committed and unavailable. After giving it further thought, to me not wearing my ring suggests otherwise.
[This message edited by phoenix54 at 12:15 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Mine's back on because I'm married and committed to my wife.
Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"